Really need help
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I simply feel obligated to stay together because we have been together for so along and if I decide to leave when he got sober, I'd feel terrible and I am giving up too easily. Lot of people work on their relationships where intimacy is bad and I thought that's what I should do.
I also feel my expectations are too much. I demanded him to get sober all those years and now I don't know why I am saying I feel underappreciated and want physical comfort. Maybe I am in the wrong here. Maybe I should let him work on his issues and I work on mine. I feel like I am even giving up easily.
I also feel my expectations are too much. I demanded him to get sober all those years and now I don't know why I am saying I feel underappreciated and want physical comfort. Maybe I am in the wrong here. Maybe I should let him work on his issues and I work on mine. I feel like I am even giving up easily.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I think that when a person stays for years in a relationship where they feel in "agony"....to use your words....I don't see that as giving up easily.....quite the opposite.....
Letting go of same thing that is damaging is not the same thing as giving up...
You are not obligated to stay in a miserable relationship....no one is....
In our culture, people are allowed to leave a relationship at any time they decide to for any reason that is important to them,,,,
Did you not do "nice" things for him along the way? Why does he get so much credit for what one should do in the course of a relationship, anyway?
Letting go of same thing that is damaging is not the same thing as giving up...
You are not obligated to stay in a miserable relationship....no one is....
In our culture, people are allowed to leave a relationship at any time they decide to for any reason that is important to them,,,,
Did you not do "nice" things for him along the way? Why does he get so much credit for what one should do in the course of a relationship, anyway?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I just want to know what the definition of unhappy is or if I am sabotaging this because I have fear of commitment. When he was drinking I postponed marriage because he was actively drinking and now he is sober and wants to get married after a year, I am not ready for it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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You have said that you are unhappy...you have said that you are in agony.....
You don't need a definition...you already know what it feels like. You don't need a dictionary for that....
Love is not supposed to hurt this much....
Love doesn't cause a person to use words like "agony".... and don't describe themselves as feeling like some one is stabbing them in the heart over and over....
Love is suppose to enrich our lives and bring out the best in us....
You don't need a definition...you already know what it feels like. You don't need a dictionary for that....
Love is not supposed to hurt this much....
Love doesn't cause a person to use words like "agony".... and don't describe themselves as feeling like some one is stabbing them in the heart over and over....
Love is suppose to enrich our lives and bring out the best in us....
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Yes I get that. I just feel like in this day and age it's difficult to find someone and stay with then for many years but sometimes we give up too easily. What if he is the one and I am giving up because of the things I feel which maybe expecting too much? That's what keeps me up at night.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Oh, Ituvia.....I think that you really need more professional support than you are getting. You could use a good therapist....because I think you are co-dependent....and, maybe, don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like....
And, a support group...like Co-Dependents Annoymous or alanon or an abuse support group......
And, keep reading about co-dependency and alcoholism.....there are thousands of other stories of women who have been in your exact situation, on this forum....and over a hundred articles in our library.....
I hope that you will w rk on your self and put your happiness first...you don't have to settle!
Honestly...I feel that, at this point, my words are just going over your head.....maybe, you are just too entangled with him that you can't absorb anything....
And, a support group...like Co-Dependents Annoymous or alanon or an abuse support group......
And, keep reading about co-dependency and alcoholism.....there are thousands of other stories of women who have been in your exact situation, on this forum....and over a hundred articles in our library.....
I hope that you will w rk on your self and put your happiness first...you don't have to settle!
Honestly...I feel that, at this point, my words are just going over your head.....maybe, you are just too entangled with him that you can't absorb anything....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
No, I am taking in everything from these posts and thinking how I should better myself. It's just that I am feeling so awful.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Oh, Ituvia.....I think that you really need more professional support than you are getting. You could use a good therapist....because I think you are co-dependent....and, maybe, don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like....
And, a support group...like Co-Dependents Annoymous or alanon or an abuse support group......
And, keep reading about co-dependency and alcoholism.....there are thousands of other stories of women who have been in your exact situation, on this forum....and over a hundred articles in our library.....
I hope that you will w rk on your self and put your happiness first...you don't have to settle!
Honestly...I feel that, at this point, my words are just going over your head.....maybe, you are just too entangled with him that you can't absorb anything....
And, a support group...like Co-Dependents Annoymous or alanon or an abuse support group......
And, keep reading about co-dependency and alcoholism.....there are thousands of other stories of women who have been in your exact situation, on this forum....and over a hundred articles in our library.....
I hope that you will w rk on your self and put your happiness first...you don't have to settle!
Honestly...I feel that, at this point, my words are just going over your head.....maybe, you are just too entangled with him that you can't absorb anything....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Then ask your therapist to recommend a su pport group for you....
Actually, I think that it would be good for you to call the local domestic abuse organization and ask the workers to recommend one of their groups.
You don't have to be hit to be abused...emotional abuse qualifies you....
You certainly won't get a "cult feeling" in one of their groups.....
Actually, I think that it would be good for you to call the local domestic abuse organization and ask the workers to recommend one of their groups.
You don't have to be hit to be abused...emotional abuse qualifies you....
You certainly won't get a "cult feeling" in one of their groups.....
I am just going to find a new therapist and stick to it.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello ltuvia,
I am sorry for the emotional turmoil you are feeling right now. Breathe, take your time, use the resources you have available to you to figure out what you want. Sometimes, we women are conditioned to *not* cause anyone any pain. I know that I have stayed in a relationship even when I was not really happy to be there, not really compatible with the man in question, just because I felt guilty for wanting to break up with him--it meant causing him pain. And that's not what a "good girl" does.
Whether or not you want to be in a relationship with your current/ex bf is something you may not even know yet. Because he is in early recovery, he still doesn't know who he is just yet. You may, or may not, like the real, sober him. And that's OK either way. Time will tell.
You deserve to offer yourself the patience to figure this out
Hang in there!
I am sorry for the emotional turmoil you are feeling right now. Breathe, take your time, use the resources you have available to you to figure out what you want. Sometimes, we women are conditioned to *not* cause anyone any pain. I know that I have stayed in a relationship even when I was not really happy to be there, not really compatible with the man in question, just because I felt guilty for wanting to break up with him--it meant causing him pain. And that's not what a "good girl" does.
Whether or not you want to be in a relationship with your current/ex bf is something you may not even know yet. Because he is in early recovery, he still doesn't know who he is just yet. You may, or may not, like the real, sober him. And that's OK either way. Time will tell.
You deserve to offer yourself the patience to figure this out
Hang in there!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
This is how i feel. What if i leave him and he blames me for it or relapses. If neither, i actually don't want to hurt him. I am even considering staying without any of these comforts and simply existing in the relationship without any regret. just resign myself to this life.
Originally Posted by Seren
Hello ltuvia,
I am sorry for the emotional turmoil you are feeling right now. Breathe, take your time, use the resources you have available to you to figure out what you want. Sometimes, we women are conditioned to *not* cause anyone any pain. I know that I have stayed in a relationship even when I was not really happy to be there, not really compatible with the man in question, just because I felt guilty for wanting to break up with him--it meant causing him pain. And that's not what a "good girl" does.
Whether or not you want to be in a relationship with your current/ex bf is something you may not even know yet. Because he is in early recovery, he still doesn't know who he is just yet. You may, or may not, like the real, sober him. And that's OK either way. Time will tell.
You deserve to offer yourself the patience to figure this out
Hang in there!
I am sorry for the emotional turmoil you are feeling right now. Breathe, take your time, use the resources you have available to you to figure out what you want. Sometimes, we women are conditioned to *not* cause anyone any pain. I know that I have stayed in a relationship even when I was not really happy to be there, not really compatible with the man in question, just because I felt guilty for wanting to break up with him--it meant causing him pain. And that's not what a "good girl" does.
Whether or not you want to be in a relationship with your current/ex bf is something you may not even know yet. Because he is in early recovery, he still doesn't know who he is just yet. You may, or may not, like the real, sober him. And that's OK either way. Time will tell.
You deserve to offer yourself the patience to figure this out
Hang in there!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Ituvia
This is how i feel. What if i leave him and he blames me for it or relapses. If neither, i actually don't want to hurt him. I am even considering staying without any of these comforts and simply existing in the relationship without any regret. just resign myself to this life.
I'm glad you're taking some time to figure out your needs. You have to know that before you can know what direction you want to walk going forward. Just remember YOUR needs don't include obligation or guilt for him & his choices.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Ituvia
I told him yesterday that I need space but he keeps calling. Maybe because till last week I went along with being in this state of limbo.
Do you think you are doing him a favour by not levelling with him? If you won't level with him for yourself, do it for him.
By not levelling with him you aren't giving him all the facts so he can make decisions for HIS life.
Fast forward 5 years. Let's say you are still feeling like you are, how does that look 5 or 10 years from now? Depression is real, nervous break-downs are real. Do you or did you have ideas for your future? Do they include marriage and children? Do you think this is the person you want to have a family with?
The bottom line is your thinking is very one-sided. While he is pressuring you, you do have to acknowledge that you aren't being straight with him.
When he calls you and says, what did I do, what did I say that you need space - what do you reply? I'm going to guess it's something kind of wishy-washy like - I just need some time for myself?
You are considering staying with a person you can't even be honest with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I told him I needed space because I am not able to make a decision given the situation. He calls me and says what about the dog? How are they? How can I help them? And just that I am feeling so guilty and thinking if my honesty is causing him to be distressed. Plus, he just called and ask what's up. I was like you please focus on your recovery. To which he says, I almost had a drink two days back but I called my sponsor and spoke to him.
Again this is making me feel guilty.
Again this is making me feel guilty.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
You say please focus on your recovery, he replies he almost had a drink but made a call.
The either means he is manipulating you or just letting you know that hey, he is focusing on it and making better choices.
Regardless which it is, no reason for you to feel guilty.
You have enmeshed yourself so far in to this situation that everything he says triggers guilt in you, like you are somehow the puppet master for his life.
Do you see a little arrogance there? Every thing he does you bring back to yourself, your influence, your contact. Of course that could be his intent, I don't know.
Please understand that I do not want that to come across as harsh, I am truly trying to help. You are not his master either. He is a grown man.
The either means he is manipulating you or just letting you know that hey, he is focusing on it and making better choices.
Regardless which it is, no reason for you to feel guilty.
You have enmeshed yourself so far in to this situation that everything he says triggers guilt in you, like you are somehow the puppet master for his life.
Do you see a little arrogance there? Every thing he does you bring back to yourself, your influence, your contact. Of course that could be his intent, I don't know.
Please understand that I do not want that to come across as harsh, I am truly trying to help. You are not his master either. He is a grown man.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
No it's not rude. I have been faithful to him all those years when he was drinking and not providing me with physical comfort. I have been through so much with him and still didn't give up. But now I feel like I need a hug sometimes, you know. I need someone to tell me I look good or give me a kiss after a long day. It's just not happening.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
ltuvia, do you think he feels guilty about how disrespectful he is being by not even giving you a little bit of the space you are asking for to clear your head?
You need some distance to figure out what you want. In response, he demands to know what's happening and where you stand -- the very questions you are trying to answer for yourself!
You deserve a partner who is capable of giving you what you want. Waiting for the partner you have to magically become that person could leave you waiting for the rest of your one, precious life on this earth.
You need some distance to figure out what you want. In response, he demands to know what's happening and where you stand -- the very questions you are trying to answer for yourself!
You deserve a partner who is capable of giving you what you want. Waiting for the partner you have to magically become that person could leave you waiting for the rest of your one, precious life on this earth.
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