dandylion

Ituvia....I get it that the cultural pressures in your country are much more intense for single women, than here in the US.
Since you do crave a more satisfying relationship...you stand a better chance if the current guy is not in the picture....doesn't that make some sense to you...?
All of the frustration and guilt that you carry around with this guy just seems too big a price to pay for having a warm male body around....
There are a lot of other men around...even in your country...lol! And they are not all the same....
If you are miserable with this guy single...you will be 10 times more miserable married to him! I can gurantee you that.
You got unstuck from him, last year...so, you can do it again....with the help of your psychiatrist and better self care.....
It is your responsibility to "unstuck" yourself....
There is m ore to life than this......and you will need to be willing to step outside of your comfort zone.....
I don't think anyone makes any real changes from their comfort zone....
Most dramatic changes are made during periods of "crisis".....

An old adage from psychiatry is this---One doesn't want a patient to become too comfortable if any change is to be expected.....
This only means that those who are too comfortable lack the motivation to change....

atalose

I don’t think there is anyone here who’s worked on their recovery that doesn’t feel embarrassed by how they previously handled things. That is what recovery is all about, learning new ways, making changes, doing the hard stuff and continue to learn as we go.

Old posts can be a gage on where we were to where we are. And if we see that we are still stuck with the same issues then we know we’ve got more work to do or actually begin to it.

firebolt

Oh, sister, it's a game changer!! Generally, I feel happy, healthy and dedicated to things and people I love. There isn't anyone that is going to make me compromise the life I have right now. They'll either happily join in and or be supportive, or they aren't worth ma time! <3 Feels good, and we're worth it!

Sasha1972

Would you feel less guilty if you continued to let him come to your place and hang out with you? I think guilt is a part of all breakups, especially with addicts ("I should have stayed to help him ... I let him down ..." etc), unless you're a complete sociopath and can't experience guilt. The question is whether your feelings of guilt should be a reason to keep doing what you're doing now.

teatreeoil007

There are different types of guilt. If guilt can sort of stir us to do what is truly right and/or put things right, so be it.

But there are the other types of guilt that just weigh us down and hold us back from being liberated to fulfill our true potential. Don't let guilt keep you in a relationship that is no longer truly fulfilling, uplifting and supportive. Remember FOG. Fear, obligation, guilt which keeps us codies tied down much longer than need be. Figure out what it is you need to be free of and what you don't want to enter into for the future.

Aeryn

This is awesome...a friend and I have recently been discussing how much of an addiction codependency is and how hard it is to quit and this plays right into it so well. I remember knowing how bad the relationship was but clinging to it and making every excuse to stay in....and you lose almost EVERYTHING. And the excuses are never obvious we were as cunning as A's about it..."oh he's having a hard time at work and might get laid off I can't leave now" for example. It's hard to say what the addiction is to...in my case it was having a relationship like this post says...in my friends she was/is more addicted to being "needed" to make her feel whole.

To the OP - my friend lost her financial security (she paid for everything for him and took on his debts), he stole from her, she lost her health, she lost her honesty (lied to police etc for him)...everything. For me, well I became a miserable angry person and started hating the world - I lost myself. So don't feel bad that it's hard! It is hard....quitting the relationship for me and my friend had withdrawal symptoms even, but once those clear and you work on yourself you come out the other side a brand new (and happier) person.

teatreeoil007

Like dandylion, I think it takes stepping away from your comfort zone to shake things up and truly step away from a relationship that is too comfortable with the WRONG type of comfort that is not TRUE comfort, but more of a complacency of sorts and an obligation of another sorts. Maybe it's not so much a comfort zone as a complacent zone. It's what you currently know and have grown accustomed to.

Ideally, you want to be with someone because you love BEING with them because they treat you right and don't use guilt to manipulate you and enslave you and you can truly "be".[[ Being/be.]] He sounds like the kind of guy who will expect you to stoop down to his level when he's miserable because for one thing misery loves company. And codies fall into that trap rather easily.

On the one hand you have a little bug whispering in your ear to stay with what you know. But there is something deeper within you that wants to, needs to, break out. Breaking out does not necessarily bring immediate comfort. But, to be comfortable by yourself in your own skin...that is actually priceless.....to reach a point to where you don't really NEED to be with anyone.....but can just be....and then you will more likely attract those who enhance you as an individual, not bring you down. Ideally, someone who won't feel threatened if you are doing well and are happy.

I don't like to be around people who feel threatened by me....so I spend as little time as possible with those types. There no need for me to compete either. Simply no need. I've got enough going on in my life as it is.

ExMrsLopez

Ituvia,

At 31, your life, your mature adult life is just starting! Why would you want to pursue a relationship with someone who has an addiction that is very suseptible to relapse because of the ease of acquiring alcohol.

At 31, you have the chance to find a man who will cherish you, not manipulate you. You have time to have children, do you want to raise them with a man who may not be healthy enough to support them.

People used to tell me all the time, there is no future with an alcoholic. Sure, my husband stopped drinking, until the day that he found alcohol helped him avoid all the problems his screwed up psyche told him he had!

And everytime I told him I was calling it quits, he'd lay on the pity ploy, and swear he'd change. He only got worse.

Stop compromising yourself for a relationship you're not happy in.