dandylion

hearthealth.....I am so sorry! I clearly made an error....and I sincerely apologize for that.
I hope that you will be generous enough to forgive me....
I will try to be more careful, in the future....
(my brain is very old...)

Clover71

I haven't read the entire thread but had to stop at this.

I have almost said the same thing quite a few times now, except that we should get our own places. I've hit the point where I am done on so many levels. I have a financial plan that I'm hoping to stick out and make it through. I don't know if I'll make it that long

hearthealth

Big verbal argument tonight. Children are at sleep overs. He said it was smart a** giving him an ultimatum. Throwing some out right lies out there. The problem is me not him. If I would just be happier (and more agreeable) I wouldn't have a problem.

Then it turned to financial separation of our income. Him holding all the money and I will struggle financially if I divorce him. Throwing out there my parents divorce which he knows nothing about so it was scare tactic lies. Lies, manipulation and scare tactics.

My head is spinning. I can't believe some of the things that came out of his head. Now i can't sleep.

DontRemember

Don't engage.. I know that's easier said than done,but TRY to not engage..plan your exit strategy and follow through.

dandylion

hearthealth......I hope that you take time to look at the website that I gave you the link to, in an earlier post, tonight. It is arranged by state....and it will give you an idea of what your actual rights are in a legal separation or divorce.....
It will make you feel more confident, just knowing what your rights are......
He has financial responsibilities that are defined by law.....

this brings up a second important point.....You need some support and counseling of a financial nature....The best place to get that is through your local DV organization.....as they can supply or refer you to that kind of information or legal person to talk to.....through that organization, you can get someone who is sensitive you your particular type of abusive and controlling situation.....
From what you have shared...you are living in an abusive situation, even if you have never thought of it, that way. A person doesn't always have to be hit to be abused....there are many types of abuse....one, of which, can be financial....as well as verbally abusive, psychologically/mentally abusive, etc.......

I am giving you the number to the main hotline....they can get you connected to you most local organization.....
National Domestic Violence Hotline......
1-800-787--3224.....

You will find these people to be very kind, understanding and non-judgemental. You can talk to them on the phone, at any hour....
It is completely confidential and is not a government agency....Your husband need never know that you have talked to them....and, he will not get in trouble, as they will never contact him.
You will not be obligated to do anything that you don't want to. the decisions are entirely your own.

does he use your computer? or does he check your telephone?
If so, be careful to erase your search history on your computer and delete numbers from your phone.....

These people can help you with your concerns and help you with safety and exit planning.....this is their work and what they are dedicated to....

You are not alone, even though you may feel like you are, right now.
There ARE options and help....just reach out for it......

Sasha1972

I am sorry that you had to endure this, but I'm glad you were able to recognize lies as lies and not believe them.

One thing that has helped me in similar situations of head spinning/can't sleep (or breathe, or swallow, or anything else) is to think of it as the body's physiological response to perceived danger. Once these responses are activated, it's almost impossible to turn them off until they have run their course. Living with an alcoholic we become hypervigilant and easily triggered, at least I did. You WILL be able to sleep, think calmly and rationally again, but your body has to go through all the panic-reaction stuff first.

hearthealth

Thank you all. I was able to get some sleep. I think maybe PTSD was triggered last night. I'm still jumpy. I need some time. I don't use the household computer. I do delete my history.

thousandwords53

Hh, I am still catching up on this thread, but wanted to say:
Being alone is not lonely. It’s much more peaceful than remaining in a dead /unhealthy marriage.
The kids may be upset, hate the change, question the new way of things, but it doesn’t mean it’s bad for them. My kids also hate when I make them brush their teeth, lol.

Revisit out of the fog forum and maybe really really start planning- and taking action to move out of this situation. Your brain and heart will quiet down once the dust settles. You can do this

hearthealth

TW, I've been wondering how you're doing. Thank you for responding. I can picture myself walking into the DV office. The second cycle has begun but I know it won't last. He said somethings last night that I can't forget. He used distorted truths yesterday. How I cornered him into marriage. What the....I know I can't tell him anything or it will be twisted. He tried rewriting my history. Wow.

thousandwords53

I’ve been lurking and cheering you all on.
They are very good at rewriting history. I’m still dealing with that, and warping the present to make me question the past. Thankful I diaried here or I’d be worried about my sanity. And counseling. Have you gone lately? The DV resource /shelter is not as scary to go to as maybe your mind tells you. They are very warm, welcoming and safe. You can visit with different advocates depending on your needs .

I’m happy to be out and on my own. It’s doable. It’s not easy and the mental games do not stop but I have more clarity each day and he doesn’t control me anymore. He still tries.

hearthealth

The more I think about H calling me a smart ... for speaking my feelings the more upset I get. I didn't speak it as a smart aleck. I spoke my truth which he didn't want to hear. I have not had a conversation with him nor will I. The second cycle is ended and now it's right back to the way it was.. Except I have more knowledge now. I plan to talk to DV. I have a few things to do to prepare for the future. I almost bought myself some flowers today.

Sailorgirl57

His not wanting you to go to school is a big red flag. I have taught at a community college for 23 years, and when female students tell me that I know their world is very troubled. A man who loves you should honor your choice to educate yourself and be your biggest supporter. If you do disentangle yourself from him, make a bee line for the nearest community college. We all have special programs to help women with in your shoes with counseling, financial aid, housing, child care assistance, bus passes, and a supportive environment. You can choose a program that will lead you to a career you love. Some of them only take one year! Not only will your earnings potential go up, but you will gain a lot of self confidence and make new healthy friendships with other women. I’ve seen hundreds of women in your shoes turn their lives, and their children’s lives, around by going back to school. At any age! Good luck to you!

trailmix

Hi Sailor,

That's really helpful! HH - this is a good example of the type of help that is out there, just waiting for you.

I don't know if additional education opportunities are something you are interested in right now, but it's a great example of a program that's set up for people who could use a bit of help.

dandylion

HH....I want to underline what Sailorgirl and Trailmix have just said.
Just like with the DV organization and local community college, there is much more support than you probably imagine......
Your whole life can change.....

Givenup2018

HH, do not let him browbeat you. As someone wrote A don't have people they love, they have hostages and you are his hostage right now.
What you need to do is start making a plan to live life with your kids without him.
I know you are worried about the finances. The first thing to do is either get more education (this is what I did, it took many years but now I have a good job with pay and could rent my own place, pay for my car etc if needs be). Also go and see a lawyer as to what your options are. He is still responsible for the kids and for you too. I know you are worried that he might decide to fall off the wagon, lose his job etc.
Many of us have heard the same threats when we said we would leave.
I was told
1. You will have nothing without me, you will end up like your mother alone and in a bedsit with nothing (incidentally my mother is very happy being alone!)
2. I will simple sell off everything and let you all go to hell and travel the world
3. I will drink myself to oblivion
blah blah blah
At that time I was powerless, I knew I had to get my kids out of the house and educated. However, he had an attitudeI hadn't worked for many years, but went back to uni part time, worked part time got more qualifications. Now I am no longer so dependent on him and he knows I can walk any time I want. It surely changed his attitude big time. You can do the same, just live for your plan to escape. Ask close friend/family member to help you, bounce ideas of them. I had a close friend to talk to. You can do this.

hopeful4

Sending you much needed love and support friend! Buy yourself those flowers. Go to the DV. Get YOUR life in order, and honor what you deserve.

Many hugs!

hearthealth

H had minor surgery and I was so proud he could tell the doctor his recent drinking history, though I don't know if it's completely accurate. I also am happy that I could be of service to him while he recovers. I started getting that fantasy back, maybe.... until I interact with him and he's still so selfish and ungrateful. Reality once again showed itself. I really wish he could be different but he's not.

dandylion

hearthealth.....why in the world are you so proud that you could be of "service" to him?? Do you really yearn for his approval that much? You have been in service to him for years and it has resulted in your being held as almost a prisoner in your own home.....

After followi ng your threads for a long time...and, from what you share....I seriously doubt that he has it within him to be what you want him to be....
He sounds seriously narcissistic, to me.....
Narcissists are impossible to change....
I fear that you will be a very old woman...still trying to change...or waiting to change someone who doesn't have the desire or capacity for it...

Please go back and read my posts to you....you need support and help to get free of the emotional prison that you are trapped in.....you must get some help....
Start with calling the DV people.....that is what they exist for...to help people who are trapped in an abusive situation...

lightandsea

heart health, can you see the cycle?

I ask with great compassion, for it's a ride I've hopped on over and over so many times.

The push and pull. The intermittent rewards (please google "intermittent rewards abuse" and the first link should be from OUT of the FOG, and is valuable reading).

We latch on to anything we can find that may tell us "yes, he's in recovery. Yes, he's changing." It's hard to not cling to that. It's hard to want to stop hoping.

This is where you choosing to put yourself first, even in the smallest of ways to start, is how you begin to break away from this cycle.

Because right now, your entire life revolves around this man, his moods, his addiction, his feelings, and how he treats you.

So because of that, of course any time he is kind, it means a lot, and any time he is selfish and ungrateful, it also means a lot.

When you find other things and people in your life to give you meaning so it's. not just your husband who gives you meaning and value, you can begin the process of finding peace.

Hearthealth, can you think back a few years when you were younger? Was there anything, before you met your husband, that you liked to do? Did you, for example, like to read books? Or maybe you liked to dance.

Think back. Remember that girl. See if you can find the smallest of things -- just 1 or 2, and bring those back into your life now, today.

Those are yours. That's you. The way off this ride is to find you again, even if you aren't really sure who she is. It's okay. You don't need all--or any--of the answers. But take a step toward the peace you deserve by reclaiming a part of your life as just yours, and yours alone.

hearthealth

Now I'm in tears. When I think I'm making baby steps I'm reminded of the dangers posed. Isn't service a good thing for marriage? I'm sadden and resentful by the discrepancy between his actions and my own sense of what is right? I can't do anything until he's back to work. He's going to be recovering for some time.