hearthealth

I realized the very first time he showed me his hostility (hole in the wall). I had asked for emotional support through a rough time. I packed up an eight month old and left immediately. I came back. That has really been my response. I thought he was sincere and wanted change. He wanted change but never really did the work. Change is so hard. I'm the same way. I wanted a change from a terrible way of life but never really made a change. He has his vice but I still have mine unless I'm willing to put it down. I must be willing to walk away no matter what. It doesn't matter why, or if he could change it, if I could fix him. *It just isn't good enough* It's not my standard for a relationship. This is an existence together at its best. At its worse it is really bad.

LoveMeNow

I really hope you mean it this time, Hearthealth. Based on what you have shared and more importantly- what you have NOT shared.....he truly is a very abusive person. Nope, he isnt going to change because he is thrilled to have all the twisted power and control. My prayers are with you and your kids. I sincerely hope they are in counseling!!

Ladybird579

I sincerely hope they are in counseling!!

That and a different house asap xx

Hawkeye13

So sorry for you and your kids.
It's horrible to live / grow up in a home full of conflict, anger, pain, fear and sadness.
Kids sense everything, and at some level think they caused it.
My mother blamed just like your husband.
When she died I found little notes I'd written and hidden in the house
taking the blame for her unhappy life and saying I would do better,
be better, act better and take care of her and others.

I did it, still do it, still feel it at 54.

dandylion

hearthealth....I am still wondering what the answers are to the questions that I ask you in my last post, to you.....Because, I am wondering how much freedom to maneuver, that you have....?

hearthealth

If it's a household errand I can go for an hour, hour and a half. I need an excuse and bring back groceries or things if I'm "shopping".

dandylion

hearthealth....good. This gives you a bit of private time to work with. This is how you can begin to take baby steps.....to call and talk to the DV people...or to meet with certain people....

You can create some "cover stories", if you need to....Like....that you are going to the library to look for a certain book....or...that you took the car to have the tires rotated, but the line was too long and you had to finally just leave....
(you will have to use your imagination).....I do not consider this lying if it is to save a life (yours and your children's).
I remember that during World War 11...the Catholic Nuns saved many, many lives by hiding the victims...and telling necessary lies.....
The Universe...or God, forgives such things.

firebolt

This made my chest tighten to read. Sending you strength and peace. Imagine how you will thrive once you're out and making decisions and doing things for yourself! THere is a better way to live, and you deserve it!!

Ladybird579

If it's a household errand I can go for an hour, hour and a half. I need an excuse and bring back groceries or things if I'm "shopping".

My heart is pounding reading that and it made me feel a bit sick inside. You are basically a prisoner and I fear we do not know a quarter of that is happening to you and your kids. Please, please get help asap. You deserve to be happy and live in peace without fear. xxx

FireSprite

And if not? What then, HH?

thousandwords53

Fake a "lady doctor" appointment (no men really want know about that haha)
Eye exam, Errands that lake longer than normal...bring home groceries but maybe pad your time with "dropping things off to Goodwill" "looking for xyz at this store and that store..darn couldn't find it etc...or Teacher conferences or lunch with a friend. Maybe try and go to a ladies yoga class at the community center and only really go every 2 out of 3 times- the extra time can used to check into resources. Get used to padding your commute time from these running arounds so that you have buffer time and slowly adjust his expectations when you should be home. Once he is back to work off medical leave, get your buns busy while kids are at school/He's working. That is the sweet spot for getting some stuff done. Like DV counseling meeting, viewing apartments, moving stuff to storage/safe place etc.

My xH was so critical of my time and whereabouts at certain points that I had to stuff guilt for my epic acting skills. Fake it till you make it. You're protecting yourself not lying for the fun of it.

hearthealth

TW, great suggestions. H is mainly quacking but it grinds on you. He also has the history of violence so i never know. I can't use lunch friend excuse. Today he complained I bought a two dollar bin from a discount store. He wants me to go through the pantry and only toss my things like my canning supplies for my yearly vegetable garden. It's one shelf of items.

thousandwords53

I totally get the financial bind as well. You could even say you're just meeting them at their house, or they are treating you to lunch because of some reason haha...birthday whatnot..

His "stuff" vs. my "crap" I get the discarding of items ...at least he is letting you handle it and didn't just toss the shelf contents on his own accord. I would have things thrown out if they were in his garage without his approval or if they were stored there too long...blah blah. I get it.

Fabricate time when you can. You know how he operates and what flies under the radar...use your walking on eggshells skills to your advantage.
Get creative.

hearthealth

TW, I have had plenty of my things tossed out. I still never know if my things will be gone. The worse was when he took down our wedding picture. I like your creative ideas.

thousandwords53

Basic idea here: Be boring and busy. Boring and busy. Keep grey rock to him, focus on the kids and your well being. He will not like it I'm sure...but he already is a jerk so might as well do your thing and get your butt out of there. The time is now.

LoveMeNow

IMO, he has put so much fear in you regarding a divorce. Just more manipulation. He knows it would cost HIM which is why he does it.

I really hope you get a very aggressive lawyer - when you find your inner strength!

Sasha1972

That sounds terrible. No one should treat a fellow adult that way. You deserve to have independence and freedom. A relationship in which one person needs permission from the other to leave the home is more like prisoner/guard than wife/husband (or spouse/spouse).

thousandwords53

HH- What can you accomplish today/this week to get you closer to your goal?
If you need help trouble shooting some plans I will be near the computer most of today. We are here to help if you're ready to make some moves. One thing at a time. You and the kids deserve much better and you are in control of that future.