hearthealth

It was right there. I almost said it to H today. He could tell I was acting so weird during our conversation. I couldn't say it. All I can think of was the negative consequences from my words. The children will hate me. It will ruin any foward momentum. Financially I can't take this on. How do I get over this hurddle?

CentralOhioDad

Why would it ruin any forward momentum? It sounds LIKE forward momentum. And why will the children hate you?

Sending ((((HUGS)))

SparkleKitty

You do it by building your self-esteem and self-worth. When you believe that you deserve to be happy, you will be able to act in your own best interest and to deal with whatever those choices bring.

(But for what it's worth, HH, children are resilient creatures who by their nature resist change. However they feel about a situation when it happens is not how they will ALWAYS feel about it)

AnvilheadII

All I can think of was the negative consequences from my words

could you try to balance those thoughts with any positive consequences?

it's normal to doubt making BIG changes.....but that does not mean we should NOT make them anyways.......

hearthealth

Thanks you COD. I'm still hooked on the he's not drinking and hence it is better so I will hang on a little longer. I don't believe that he will change. It's been too long. It's been to much of an effort. It's been too little gain The children" but he's better" That's selfish.

Maudcat

Sounds like you are done, hh.
Whether he drinks or not won’t change that.

SparkleKitty

HH, from what you have described, he isn't even trying to change. He's at "good enough." But what is good enough for him is not necessarily good enough for you, and doesn't have to be.

hearthealth

That's exactly it. This isn't good enough and I need better or at least not this. I'm getting to the point alone is less depressing than this. I can't take this saddness anymore. Selfish people aren't happy maybe I'm just selfish.

SparkleKitty

Also, people who are in unhappy marriages are not happy and it doesn't have to have anything to do with being selfish.

The argument you seem to be making is that it is selfish to want to be happy. Imagine your daughter at 30 years old, saying that to you. What would your response be?

hearthealth

I think at times it can be selfish to be happy. Is there saddness in selfishness? Does consequences come from selfishness? When does my selfishness over ride my husband's selfishness? I was raised to be too accommodating to others at my own expense. I can't do it to others let alone family. Maybe it's just venting. I want to leave and be gone. I don't want to be enticed back. When I leave I must be done.

SparkleKitty

Sometimes, to take care of myself properly, I have to be selfish.

With my time, with my energy, with whatever.

While I am happily married and employed at the moment, I understand that the only person in the entire world who I will always be able to count to take care of me, is me. The only person who I should ever expect to prioritize me is me. I am not saddened by this. I am empowered by it. And I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life who fill me up enough to see to this awesome task of taking care of myself. They don't fill me up by giving up part of themselves for me, they do it by sharing part of themselves with me. And in return I share part of myself with them. But we all get to keep those parts we share for ourselves at the end of the day.

I, too, was raised to put everyone else's needs before my own. I was told this was a noble way to be by the very people whose needs were being met, while mine were not. I have sinced learned that this was a dysfunctional way to be, and that everyone deserves to have their needs met, and to be happy, but that not everyone is capable of meeting my needs or making me happy.

hopeful4

Why does everyone think alone is so bad? Wow, I LOVE being alone! I do what I want, when I want. Are there hurdles with the kids? Definitely. Through mental health education and counseling, we deal with those. The relationships my children form now have clear boundaries for themselves. They have high self worth. All of this coming from a broken home and continued (not by choice) exposure to their father with many, many mental health and personality issues.

I listed to Robin McGraw tell another mentally abused woman yesterday that the #1 thing a woman HAS to do to is take care of herself. You deserve that, and the people you love deserve the best of YOU.

Big hugs friend.

honeypig

Phenomenal post ^^, SparkleKitty! Thank you.

AnvilheadII

i guess we could think of the Airplane Rule, the talk given before EVERY flight....in the event of an emergency, oxygen masks will drop down.....and they tell us to do what???? put our OWN on first BEFORE rendering aid to others.

and why is that??? because we are of no use to anyone else dead.

is it selfish for the mother to assure her own flow of air before helping her child? or is the mother actually taking CARE OF her child by assuring her own well being FIRST?????

hearthealth

I don't think so much that I'm alone. I'll be breaking up a home. A home that is broken but the only one the children know. They are happier. Marriage is better. The marriage came up from an extremely low spot. It's not the relatiomship we had when we where dating. That evolution is normal but our interaction is so different not better.

hopeful4

So do you think by them seeing you unhappy and miserable it is showing an example of what their marriage should look like? What they should tolerate? You don't have to answer, just food for thought.

CentralOhioDad

You can't break something that's already broken - this Forum has given me THAT speech more times than I can count.

"Marriage is better"- better than what? How low have you had to drop the "better" bar to say that it's 'better'?

We codies can rationalize just about anything and everything the alcoholic does/says. We complain about their quacking, yet we can also do our own quacks! And just to be clear, I'm not singling you out - this whole place has been guilty of that at one time or another.

trailmix

They are happier - than what? The marriage is better - than what?

Sometimes when you are in a situation for a long time you begin to think of it as "normal". Like it's normal for someone to come home roaring drunk and kids are sent to their rooms beforehand so no one has to witness the anger, violence, whatever.

Well, that's not "normal". I know you are depressed, but try to think of a normal life you could have. A life where you get up in the morning feeling secure in your own home. Where no one hides, where there isn't fear all the time.

SparkleKitty

My parents stayed together, hearthealth, and I've got fifteen years of therapy bills to prove it.

trailmix

We cross posted but basically are saying the same thing!

Only part I am not sure I agree with is the "guilt" part. Guilt should never play in to this I don't think. Even when our choices aren't perfect, they are what they are and while we have to be responsible for them I think most are doing the best they can. It's tough.