DreamCatcher17

Hey,

I dont post much here in friends and family, as I am in recovery however my Mom is an alcholic and I am in need of some guidance on a letter to send her.

So, some of you might know that I have removed my mother from my life due to her alcoholic ways.

Well, when I did that, I never really gave an explanation or expectations if she wants to be back in my life. While in my head, I know I need to see 6 months plus of recovery before I can even talk to her. With this time frame, one is a more serious about like change VS a month.

I know first hand if someone told me to stop drinking, I would go harder.
You have to want to stop for yourself as the number 1 reason, stopping for others does not work long term.

So really, here is what I have. I need to lay out the boundaries and the whys so she fully understands the severity of this.

Mother,

It is sad that this day has come however for the protection for myself and my son. I am unable to have any contact with you unless you decide to stop drinking. The relationship is very toxic as you are one of my biggest triggers. That could be due to unresolved resentments I have towards you (which I am working on), the lack of respect, responsibility, self-respect you show for yourself and others. It is all very sad to watch. I will not allow my son around someone who I don't trust with him, and I don't trust you. I will not allow you to come in and out of his life as you please as you did mine, so I am putting an end to it. While alcoholism is a self-diagnosed issue, it is up to you to do some soul searching to figure that out for yourself. I will tell you from what I have seen and experienced you drink alcoholically. It is not my decision to make on which road you choose, as only you can better yourself and want to be sober for you as number 1, while getting sober for someone never works. I hope you choose a better way of life for yourself before you're in a coffin due to a blackout and doing something you'll regret like: starting the house on fire because you are cooking while in a blackout, deciding to drive, or walk home and meet the wrong people, or alcohol just takes your life slowly as your origins begin to shut down while underlying issues aren't being taken care of like your high blood pressure.
I will say all I wanted in life was a mom, I still do, but she is and has been lost for a very long time. I am sure my son would love to have at least 1 grandparent.
The choice is yours.
I wish you all the best.

-Daughter

Feedback is appreciated
Thank you

SparkleKitty

Honestly, DC, I don't think there is any stronger demonstration of our boundaries than simply living them.

trailmix

I agree with Sparklekitty. You putting your boundaries in to place is all that's really needed.

I see a lot of hurt in your letter and no doubt justifiably so. You are in recovery, would a letter such as this helped you? Now maybe you aren't looking to "help" your Mother as such, but it could actually hinder her?

I'm not an addict but i'm sure there is a lot of negative thinking and shame and beating yourself up that goes along with it (for many).

Being told what a horrible Mother you are and how you will die in a grisly way if you don't change your ways, well it just seems a bit counter-productive.

Please take what you like and leave the rest from my post, i'm just voicing an opinion from the outside here, not trying to criticize you.

Learning14

I agree with the other posters.
I wouldn't send a letter right now. Just do YOU and your son.
Mom is an adult and can live her life any way she chooses and you get to do the same.
Take a few steps back and don't worry about mom. You are needed in the life of your son and your recovery depends on it.

Best wishes. ♥

AnvilheadII

actually, i didn't see a single BOUNDARY in that letter, just a lot of blame giving.

i'd file that letter away for now, and just work on making sure YOU are living the best recovery possible. we often say here that we should live the recovery we wish that THEY would...........

biminiblue

I agree with everyone else.

If it were me (and I'm a double winner) I would read it one more time and then burn it.

You got the words out of your head and we have heard your pain. I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing, but if you give this to her it will hurt her and she will have that letter to read over and over and I think you will regret it. It will cause anger and discord and division and to me recovery is about being kind and compassionate to family members who hurt me and being my higher self. I feel much better about myself when I act in a forgiving manner.

I can stay away from people without lashing out.

Be the change you want to see in the world and focus on your recovery.

DreamCatcher17

Thank you for the reply.
The only boundaries she knows for sure is to not call me when she is drinking, she still calls when she is drinking...
While I no longer answer and have told her I am never talking to her again, I feel she is at least owed an explanation.

BAW81

I'm jumping on the bandwagon too. I write letters all of the time but do not send them...and your letter is one I wouldn't send.

I hope writing it was cathartic for you!

I'm sorry your mom isn't there for you or your son as you would like her to be. What you can control is being there for your son. Refocus your energy on you and your actions and being a good mommy for your son.

Sending you hugs.

BAW81

Unless she has outright asked you for an explanation, I disagree.

DreamCatcher17

Thanks for your reply. I can see what you are saying.
The truth is if alcohol itself doesn't kill her, her actions will, which is a huge concern.

Would any of this helped me... Hmmm... I am not in this type of situation but if my Son ever told me how worried he was about my actions, I would deeply consider making changes.

It could make her drink more, but that is not my problem. - Harsh, sure. I have dealt with this for years, and I am almost to the point of no return of a relationship and if she wants one at all she has to know it comes with actions being taken on her part.

I could revamp the letter where it is just boundaries. But there are still consequences when those are crossed, so that has to be in place somewhere too.

I definitely have something to think about.

Thank you

DreamCatcher17

My worry isn't so much her, it is my son being left with no grandparents. Which I rather he not have a single grandparent if the one he has is toxic. But, she should be aware of the stupid things she does in a blackout, its bad and could kill her or her roommate.
This is affecting me, she is my biggest trigger, so when she calls and does stupid ****, it bothers me. I dont answer anymore, but the last time I did, last week all of this unraveled.
I have already buried her in my mind once, before I had a son, once I had him is when we started to talk again.

There is a backstory, I am sure most people on this forum don't know if they haven't read it. I don't want to go into all of that right now, too much to type.

SparkleKitty

But this isn't a boundary. It's a rule.

The difference is, when someone breaks a rule, you don't really have any recourse. They have free will. You aren't a cop. (Or, who knows, maybe you are, but in this instance, rule-breaking doesn't constitute an arrest)

When someone crosses a boundary, the question isn't what can you do to prevent them from doing that, but what can YOU do to remove yourself from the situation?

You could hang up when you realize she is drunk. Or you could not answer calls from her after a certain hour.

Boundaries don't require other people's validation, acceptance, or even awareness. Boundaries are for you, and they are in YOUR control to enforce. As opposed to rules, which, ultimately, are unenforcible.

DreamCatcher17

I really respect what you have written. Maybe this letter I could burn, but there will be a letter sent to her. It is now just how I go about it. Kind and compassion is far from my thoughts on her right now, which probably is not the best time to write or mail something.

I'll sit on it a little longer to see a better-written letter!

Thank you

DreamCatcher17

Yea, I've done all of that.

DreamCatcher17

She hasn't called me since but she is calling my boyfriend DAILY asking questions. So, yea, she needs to know something.

biminiblue

But that is your BF's problem. He doesn't have to answer or listen to her. That's his issue.

Let him deal with that.

BAW81

While you re-think your letter, I encourage you to rethink why you want to send it and what you want to happen AFTER the letter is sent?

If you think the letter is going to magically change your mom, I am worried that you will be disappointed. Based on my experience, you most likely will be.

Also, if your mom is a trigger for you then perhaps you're better loving her from a distance. If her behavior is so bad then maybe you should protect your son from her too?

As I wrote before I've written many letters to my STBXAH and his family members, multiple letters to each of them over the past many months. After examining the letters and talking with my therapist, I've come to realize that the reason I write them and sometimes entertain the thought of sending them is because I so desperately want to be heard. I want my truth to be acknowledged. I want them to hear me and understand me AND of course, I want them to change.

But that's not how it works....

It is SO hard when someone like our mom or dad or sibling let us down. We are told that they are supposed to always be there so its especially painful when they aren't and cannot be.

If it makes you feel any better, I hear you. I acknowledge what you're feeling and what you want. Others on this site do too. Hopefully, you have friends that you can also talk to.

Your mom is going to have to walk her own path. Unfortunately, its not the path you want her to.

BAW81

She actually doesn't. She can be told by your boyfriend, politely, to stop calling.

atalose

Boundaries are not rules for you to state and her to follow. Boundaries are all about what YOU will do if she………x, y or z.

You already have a boundary of not answering your phone and engaging with an alcoholic. You had a boundary of not having an alcoholic in your life and you did not uphold your own boundaries and allowed the chaos back in.

Your son is not going to have the relationship with your mom that you wished you did or could. I think keeping the toxic alcoholic out of his life is the healthiest thing to do right now, maybe for a long time.

This is what is going to happen when we disrespect our own boundaries.

Time and distance along with working on your own recovery can bring you a different perspective. Focus on creating the life you want with your son.

No, your boyfriend needs to set his own boundaries with her and not feel obligated to answer that phone.

DreamCatcher17

Great advice, thanks, everyone.

I will send her a letter, maybe not this one but she will get one!