Advice on a letter to my mother
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I will send her a letter, maybe not this one but she will get one!
I think one thing to keep in mind is your expectations in sending this letter. Is it to make yourself feel better or is it to try and get her to stop drinking?
You are approaching this from a very different mindset then the person who will be receiving it. Your intention may be of one thing but the alcohol soaked brain of an alcoholic receiving it will not be interrupting it anywhere close to what you may intend.
Keep your expectation low, very low regarding any positive outcome from sending her a letter.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
...agree with atalose, and if you send her a letter, you can be sure it will be used against you forever - and your family and friends will get to read it and mom will play the victim and and and and...it will just escalate things.
So much easier to just not talk to her when she's drinking or acting out.
So much easier to just not talk to her when she's drinking or acting out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm curious why you are so hellbent on SENDING her a LETTER? what's the real agenda here?
she is not calling you. she isn't bothering you, or your son.
your bf does not have to take her calls. that's the beauty of a phone, WE control it, it does not control US.
block her number.
if she's drinking as much and as often as your story seems to indicate, the chances of her reading any letter and making heads or tails of the content and REMEMBERING IT are quite slim.
stop taking her calls. let her be. you aren't likely to find the magic words to transform her into anything or anyone other than who she is. sad as that may be.........
she is not calling you. she isn't bothering you, or your son.
your bf does not have to take her calls. that's the beauty of a phone, WE control it, it does not control US.
block her number.
if she's drinking as much and as often as your story seems to indicate, the chances of her reading any letter and making heads or tails of the content and REMEMBERING IT are quite slim.
stop taking her calls. let her be. you aren't likely to find the magic words to transform her into anything or anyone other than who she is. sad as that may be.........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
My questions that I was asking advice for was about the letter at hand, nothing else.
I am aware of how a telephone works
When advice is given, NOT ALL has to be received. Free will!
There is so much more to it then what I have put out there, as I am not going into a backstory.
My family and friends will know nothing of the letter because she speaks to no one I know or any of our family. Again, the backstory is missing. If it blows up in my face, I have to deal with that but it is very unlikely anything will happen other than her playing the victim card, totally see that coming, but she has always done that so really nothing new there.
I appreciate the advice, doesn't mean I have to do exactly as you say.
Thank you
I am aware of how a telephone works
When advice is given, NOT ALL has to be received. Free will!
There is so much more to it then what I have put out there, as I am not going into a backstory.
My family and friends will know nothing of the letter because she speaks to no one I know or any of our family. Again, the backstory is missing. If it blows up in my face, I have to deal with that but it is very unlikely anything will happen other than her playing the victim card, totally see that coming, but she has always done that so really nothing new there.
I appreciate the advice, doesn't mean I have to do exactly as you say.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you did specifically ask for guidance and feedback.
it sounds as if you had every intention of sending a letter to your mother before you even posted here. and you still do. so not sure what you really hoped to gain by posting it here?????
we may be on the F&F side, but we still don't throw daggers at the alcoholics or sling them under buses. we recommend detachment, distance and if need be NO contact. which goes both ways.
it sounds as if you had every intention of sending a letter to your mother before you even posted here. and you still do. so not sure what you really hoped to gain by posting it here?????
we may be on the F&F side, but we still don't throw daggers at the alcoholics or sling them under buses. we recommend detachment, distance and if need be NO contact. which goes both ways.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
May I ask why you want to send it so badly? You, yourself, wrote above:
"it is very unlikely anything will happen other than her playing the victim card, totally see that coming, but she has always done that so really nothing new there. "
To me, it sounds like this letter is more about what you need WHICH is totally fine, btw. If you need to send it for you that's OK and honest. Just curious.
"it is very unlikely anything will happen other than her playing the victim card, totally see that coming, but she has always done that so really nothing new there. "
To me, it sounds like this letter is more about what you need WHICH is totally fine, btw. If you need to send it for you that's OK and honest. Just curious.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
I did and still do have every intention of sending a letter to her, you are correct!
Well, what I took was the letter wasn't written well, so I will change it up. That is what I was looking for and I got it! Perfect!
Throwing daggers, like telling someone the truth, I am a truth teller, so being honest in the letter is a must, but I can redirect some specific points so they aren't as harsh.
I would love to fully detach, would you like all of her belongings I have at my home, including her car, so I can no longer move them every single time I move? Seriously, the continuation of my decisions is relentless at this point.
Well, what I took was the letter wasn't written well, so I will change it up. That is what I was looking for and I got it! Perfect!
Throwing daggers, like telling someone the truth, I am a truth teller, so being honest in the letter is a must, but I can redirect some specific points so they aren't as harsh.
I would love to fully detach, would you like all of her belongings I have at my home, including her car, so I can no longer move them every single time I move? Seriously, the continuation of my decisions is relentless at this point.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
I'm sorry your mother hurt you so badly and continues to do so.
I pray that you will one day learn that you have the power to heal yourself. You don't need your mom to do it for you. In fact, continuing to go back (i.e. sending her letters) will only just delay your healing.
Wishing you the best of luck and a loving relationship with your son. I am sure you've learned a lot about the kind of mother you don't want to be so that you can be the best mother you can to him.
I pray that you will one day learn that you have the power to heal yourself. You don't need your mom to do it for you. In fact, continuing to go back (i.e. sending her letters) will only just delay your healing.
Wishing you the best of luck and a loving relationship with your son. I am sure you've learned a lot about the kind of mother you don't want to be so that you can be the best mother you can to him.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17 
Seriously, the continuation of my decisions is relentless at this point.
After reading some of your backstory & seeing how new you are to your own recovery I'll ask this - can you accept any possibility that you aren't seeing this situation through anything except the lens of your own pain & shattered expectations?
Can you see the benefit of even just waiting until you are further into your own healing before tossing a maltov cocktail like this? Write & rewrite that letter a million times but wait a while & then revisit this issue after you've done more recovery work on your OWN side of the street. JMHO.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Seriously, the continuation of my decisions is relentless at this point
We and only we are responsible for the decisions we make. We at any time can choose different decisions to make our lives different or we can chose to continue the chaos.
I would love to fully detach, would you like all of her belongings I have at my home, including her car, so I can no longer move them every single time I move?
You can donate clothing to a woman's shelter, donate furniture/dishes to a charity. As far as the car, not sure who is paying the loan, doesn't sound like she is capable of that responsibility.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi Dream Catcher , My mother is an alcoholic, she has been most of my life and her drinking has increased in her later years. I have big rage issues with my mother, this is one of the reasons I no longer tell her about herself or about how I feel, although I did , for a few years after my father died , want to bring her to her knees by telling her about herself. But it never happened, because she drinks, her perception of things is hugely different from the truth, I no longer burden myself with insisting on telling her the truth, because my truth and her truth are light years apart.
I just try to stick to my side of the street, I spend most of my time asking myself , what is my responsibility in a situation with my mother where I get hurt, time after time the answer is, you engaged. So I just don't engage. Oh, I check in with her because she is now elderly, usually by phone, first thing in the morning, but that is about it.
I am curious to know, why it is , you want your son to have a relationship with someone who is so toxic????
As far a s her stuff goes, arrange to have it taken back to her. These things you have that are hers are just holding you in a negative place.
I just try to stick to my side of the street, I spend most of my time asking myself , what is my responsibility in a situation with my mother where I get hurt, time after time the answer is, you engaged. So I just don't engage. Oh, I check in with her because she is now elderly, usually by phone, first thing in the morning, but that is about it.
I am curious to know, why it is , you want your son to have a relationship with someone who is so toxic????
As far a s her stuff goes, arrange to have it taken back to her. These things you have that are hers are just holding you in a negative place.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
Throwing daggers, like telling someone the truth, I am a truth teller, so being honest in the letter is a must, but I can redirect some specific points so they aren't as harsh.
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
I would love to fully detach, would you like all of her belongings I have at my home, including her car, so I can no longer move them every single time I move? Seriously, the continuation of my decisions is relentless at this point.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
She lives 1200 miles away...
She has a job, makes OK money, and is responsible in that aspect... I feel like just because someone is an alcoholic most people here want to think the absolute worst. She does pay her bills as well...
Talk about HARSH.
She has a job, makes OK money, and is responsible in that aspect... I feel like just because someone is an alcoholic most people here want to think the absolute worst. She does pay her bills as well...
Talk about HARSH.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
What should I do with her things? -I will add I probably won't take the advice given, but I am totally curious as to what you would do?
I've been in this position before (well minus the car/car loan) - long time ago my oldest A bro needed some space to store a bunch of crap for "just a month!" It was like 200 sq feet of boxes, bags, lamps, a desk, etc etc etc. Ridiculous.
Two years (and many AlAnon meetings) later I called him, repeatedly leaving messages, and said, I can't store your stuff anymore what do you want me to do with it? He didn't return my call for a while. Then he finally called, he was out West, I was in Boston. He yelled. He was mad that I had put him in this position on such short notice (Ha! this all played out over THREE months!And I'd kept his stuff for YEARS). And why couldn't I keep the stuff? I just kept repeating "I can't, I'm moving."
He asked for a few days. Fair enough. Two weeks later I called him again and said "Love ya bro but this stuff has to go sorry. Either give me a plan that includes paying for getting it out of here or it goes to the curb." Never once did he say Thanks B, or did he try and call a friend to come take care of it for him, or ask me how I'm doing, or give me any kind of plan, anything, that would make sense for me to move his crap across town with me, again!!??
He never called me back. The stuff went to the curb. But I can count on one hand the number of times I've spoken to him in the last 20 years anyway. YAWN.....
Sad, so very very sad. Frustrating, so very very frustrating. But I don't feel bad about how that all shook down, I did nothing wrong and I had been more than generous keeping his crap for years at my expense. He always had money for booze and weed. If he wanted his crap well.....do the math!
My long time codie recovery has included some real successes (like that!) and some backpedaling (getting sucked back into A drama and "helping" and getting attached again to the idea that something I say will make them stop drinking!). But it's a slow roll and not a roller coaster, and I know where to go when I am at a loss: here, AlAnon, therapy or just go no contact and let some time pass without taking any action, because more is always revealed.
It sucks, it really really does, that your Mom is such a mess.
Enjoy your freedom with your son!
Peace,
B
I've been in this position before (well minus the car/car loan) - long time ago my oldest A bro needed some space to store a bunch of crap for "just a month!" It was like 200 sq feet of boxes, bags, lamps, a desk, etc etc etc. Ridiculous.
Two years (and many AlAnon meetings) later I called him, repeatedly leaving messages, and said, I can't store your stuff anymore what do you want me to do with it? He didn't return my call for a while. Then he finally called, he was out West, I was in Boston. He yelled. He was mad that I had put him in this position on such short notice (Ha! this all played out over THREE months!And I'd kept his stuff for YEARS). And why couldn't I keep the stuff? I just kept repeating "I can't, I'm moving."
He asked for a few days. Fair enough. Two weeks later I called him again and said "Love ya bro but this stuff has to go sorry. Either give me a plan that includes paying for getting it out of here or it goes to the curb." Never once did he say Thanks B, or did he try and call a friend to come take care of it for him, or ask me how I'm doing, or give me any kind of plan, anything, that would make sense for me to move his crap across town with me, again!!??
He never called me back. The stuff went to the curb. But I can count on one hand the number of times I've spoken to him in the last 20 years anyway. YAWN.....
Sad, so very very sad. Frustrating, so very very frustrating. But I don't feel bad about how that all shook down, I did nothing wrong and I had been more than generous keeping his crap for years at my expense. He always had money for booze and weed. If he wanted his crap well.....do the math!
My long time codie recovery has included some real successes (like that!) and some backpedaling (getting sucked back into A drama and "helping" and getting attached again to the idea that something I say will make them stop drinking!). But it's a slow roll and not a roller coaster, and I know where to go when I am at a loss: here, AlAnon, therapy or just go no contact and let some time pass without taking any action, because more is always revealed.
It sucks, it really really does, that your Mom is such a mess.
Enjoy your freedom with your son!
Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
DreamCatcher - " I feel like just because someone is an alcoholic most people here want to think the absolute worst." WHAT? Please take a step back....
Seriously, uncalled for.
I believe you started this thread because you are upset with your mom....All any of us are trying to do, is help you.
You seem extremely angry and because we aren't "agreeing" with the letter to your mom, you've now turned combative towards us. Please stop. Take a deep breath. Take a walk away from your computer, if you can.
Seriously, uncalled for.
I believe you started this thread because you are upset with your mom....All any of us are trying to do, is help you.
You seem extremely angry and because we aren't "agreeing" with the letter to your mom, you've now turned combative towards us. Please stop. Take a deep breath. Take a walk away from your computer, if you can.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I feel like just because someone is an alcoholic most people here want to think the absolute worst.
We actually have gone out of our comfort zones in ways you can't fathom to continue to fight for the good & decent people we love trapped inside the active addiction. Until we HAD to let go to save ourselves.
No one is going to come to your house to stop you from writing/sending a letter.... but if you aren't ready for honest responses given from all levels of experience & just want someone to agree with you- why bother posting at all?
She lives 1200 miles away...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by BAW81
DreamCatcher - " I feel like just because someone is an alcoholic most people here want to think the absolute worst." WHAT? Please take a step back....
Seriously, uncalled for.
I believe you started this thread because you are upset with your mom....All any of us are trying to do, is help you.
You seem extremely angry and because we aren't "agreeing" with the letter to your mom, you've now turned combative towards us. Please stop. Take a deep breath. Take a walk away from your computer, if you can.
Seriously, uncalled for.
I believe you started this thread because you are upset with your mom....All any of us are trying to do, is help you.
You seem extremely angry and because we aren't "agreeing" with the letter to your mom, you've now turned combative towards us. Please stop. Take a deep breath. Take a walk away from your computer, if you can.
Here is what was written
"You can donate clothing to a woman's shelter, donate furniture/dishes to a charity. As far as the car, not sure who is paying the loan, doesn't sound like she is capable of that responsibility."
Doesn't sound like she is capable of that responsibility...
I never went into a back story of her work ethic, but jumping to conclusions is OK?
I am not trying to be combative, I have already stated I was going to write a letter and thanked everyone for their advice. I should have just stopped there.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
YOu told US she was a blackout drunk and going to burn her house down. sorry if we "inferred" a bit there.
but NOW she's stable and gainfully employed. and 1200 miles away. without here CAR. which makes this letter even more useless........
evidently not getting what you want is an issue.........keep doing it your way - that will either keep working for ya or not. and keep working on that sober time, looks like congrats are in order for achieving 90 days recently........
but NOW she's stable and gainfully employed. and 1200 miles away. without here CAR. which makes this letter even more useless........
evidently not getting what you want is an issue.........keep doing it your way - that will either keep working for ya or not. and keep working on that sober time, looks like congrats are in order for achieving 90 days recently........
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