How to explain that I'm fine after AB's death
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
How to explain that I'm fine after AB's death
Hello Everyone,
Sorry I haven't been on here much. After my AB's death, I've had to move back into my home, help his daughters handle the estate, start a new job and get through the holidays.
I'm constantly asked how I'm doing...if I'm sad...if I need help. Actually, I'm fine. I want to explain to them that I'm relieved and the girls are relieved. I already did my mourning of him and us while he was alive. I've mourned him for years.
I know that will make people uncomfortable if I say that, though. I just tell them I'm getting through it okay.
But, I am still angry. It will take me a long time to clean up the mess he's left us to deal with. Yet again, I'm handling everything for him.
There was only one thing that hit me pretty hard this past weekend. I had to dismantle the saltwater tank. He and I spent a lot of time on that tank when we put it together 10 years ago. He was still social and interested in things other than drinking. It made me sad.
How would you answer the question "Are you doing okay?"
Sorry I haven't been on here much. After my AB's death, I've had to move back into my home, help his daughters handle the estate, start a new job and get through the holidays.
I'm constantly asked how I'm doing...if I'm sad...if I need help. Actually, I'm fine. I want to explain to them that I'm relieved and the girls are relieved. I already did my mourning of him and us while he was alive. I've mourned him for years.
I know that will make people uncomfortable if I say that, though. I just tell them I'm getting through it okay.
But, I am still angry. It will take me a long time to clean up the mess he's left us to deal with. Yet again, I'm handling everything for him.
There was only one thing that hit me pretty hard this past weekend. I had to dismantle the saltwater tank. He and I spent a lot of time on that tank when we put it together 10 years ago. He was still social and interested in things other than drinking. It made me sad.
How would you answer the question "Are you doing okay?"
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
So... instead of how are you doing...
How about, "How are you doing, today?"
If the people inquiring aren't adding that VERY important word, you CAN.
"Today I'm doing well. Thank you."
And that's enough. The other person is fumbling the ball, yet are there with you in the ball game! Others are stepping up, stepping in and attempting to give support. That's a really tough thing that MANY people avoid doing.
So, having been on both sides of this, we get to bring humor, awareness and curiosity to the game of life... we practice so we have a different way of communicating with people around us.
I can't change how others ask. I can change how I respond. Having a simple go-to phrase with no-need-to-follow-it-with-more is something that live practising helps with... play acting with a friend, or if you've ever been to Alanon this is a great way to reach out and ask someone to listen as you practise some phrases or let out a great rant you'd never actually say.
I had triggers to several things when they were said to me and a recovering alcoholic who is also a member of Alanon said... "Say, 'Thank you.'" As I started doing that, my reactions disappeared. New tools, new skills... new feelings for me as I gained control and let go of the results and expectations.
(((Hugs)))
How about, "How are you doing, today?"
If the people inquiring aren't adding that VERY important word, you CAN.
"Today I'm doing well. Thank you."
And that's enough. The other person is fumbling the ball, yet are there with you in the ball game! Others are stepping up, stepping in and attempting to give support. That's a really tough thing that MANY people avoid doing.
So, having been on both sides of this, we get to bring humor, awareness and curiosity to the game of life... we practice so we have a different way of communicating with people around us.
I can't change how others ask. I can change how I respond. Having a simple go-to phrase with no-need-to-follow-it-with-more is something that live practising helps with... play acting with a friend, or if you've ever been to Alanon this is a great way to reach out and ask someone to listen as you practise some phrases or let out a great rant you'd never actually say.
I had triggers to several things when they were said to me and a recovering alcoholic who is also a member of Alanon said... "Say, 'Thank you.'" As I started doing that, my reactions disappeared. New tools, new skills... new feelings for me as I gained control and let go of the results and expectations.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I would just say, "I am taking things one day at a time, thank you for asking," and then move the conversation on to something else. It is vague enough that they can fill in with whatever it is they expect you to be feeling.
People usually cannot fathom how complicated addiction makes grief, and ultimately, most of them don't want the nitty-gritty truth of it all. They are asking because they care about you, and that is all it needs to be.
People usually cannot fathom how complicated addiction makes grief, and ultimately, most of them don't want the nitty-gritty truth of it all. They are asking because they care about you, and that is all it needs to be.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Becki.....here is what has worked for me.....
"How are you doing?"
Me....."Oh, about as well as one would expect".....then change subject, quickly.
Or---if you are from the SOUTH (of the U.S.)
"How are you doing"...
Me---"Oh, about fair to middling...bless you heart, for asking!"
If people ask very specific questions that yo are uncomfortable discussing----just say, with a gentle smile----"I will forgive you for asking, if you will forgive me for not answering".....then, move on to another subject quickly....
"How are you doing?"
Me....."Oh, about as well as one would expect".....then change subject, quickly.
Or---if you are from the SOUTH (of the U.S.)
"How are you doing"...
Me---"Oh, about fair to middling...bless you heart, for asking!"
If people ask very specific questions that yo are uncomfortable discussing----just say, with a gentle smile----"I will forgive you for asking, if you will forgive me for not answering".....then, move on to another subject quickly....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I too, mourned my husband long before he died. Not just friends and family of alcoholics do that. It's surprisingly common for long illnesses, or sometimes for cases in which there is mental illness.
Take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
Fine thanks.
Frankly, i dont think you owe anyone an explanation. You shouldn’t feel like you do or worry about how they’ll feel about your honesty. One thing i’ve become since dealing with my STBXAH is to be authentic about my feelings to those close to me especially since we live in a situation where he so rarely is about his and i cant be about mine to him because it wouldn't matter.
Death sometimes is a welcome finality to the madness, but i can see how others may not understand that. I often tell my friends i wont mourn his death as i have already made my peace with that eventuality. They aren’t judgmental about it, so... try being authentic. You might be surprised.
Death sometimes is a welcome finality to the madness, but i can see how others may not understand that. I often tell my friends i wont mourn his death as i have already made my peace with that eventuality. They aren’t judgmental about it, so... try being authentic. You might be surprised.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I should have added:
*Some* people are going to judge no matter what. I never met anyone who said anything to me about my adjustment after LH's death, but it happens.
If you're getting on okay, (or people perceive that) some will have it in their heads that you should mourn for X period of time. Other people will be assuming you 'need to move forward.' People who haven't lost their spouses don't have a right to tell you how to grieve. Actually, people who have shouldn't, either. No one else is living your life.
*Some* people are going to judge no matter what. I never met anyone who said anything to me about my adjustment after LH's death, but it happens.
If you're getting on okay, (or people perceive that) some will have it in their heads that you should mourn for X period of time. Other people will be assuming you 'need to move forward.' People who haven't lost their spouses don't have a right to tell you how to grieve. Actually, people who have shouldn't, either. No one else is living your life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
He was still social and interested in things other than drinking. It made me sad.
When I think of the good times, I feel wistful? Can someone feel poignant?
How would you answer the question "Are you doing okay?"
The minister who spoke at his memorial service said we would move "from knowing J to remembering him." Yup, that about sums it up. It wasn't a fairy-tale, but the end of our marriage isn't the whole story of our marriage.
When I think of the good times, I feel wistful? Can someone feel poignant?
How would you answer the question "Are you doing okay?"
The minister who spoke at his memorial service said we would move "from knowing J to remembering him." Yup, that about sums it up. It wasn't a fairy-tale, but the end of our marriage isn't the whole story of our marriage.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
Awwww, hugs to you, Dear Becki
Here's another suggestion for you - since you wrote that you are doing "fine" - you might just say:
"I am doing OK - thanks for asking".
Because that's the truth. You are doing OK.
And isn't it nice that others care??
I understand - truly understand the relief you and your AB's daughters are feeling since his death.
That is exactly how I felt after my AF died suddenly, but directly related to his alcoholism.
Oh------How he had struggled and suffered so much with this disease. For decades!
For me, I dealt with his death as if he had died after a long struggle with a terminal, very painful disease like cancer. (After all, Alcoholism can be terminal and very painful - for ALL involved).
To me his death took him out of his pain and misery. It had become obvious that he was not going to survive this terrible disease. He was finally out of pain and no longer had to battle his horrible alcoholism!!!
Sadly, (unless my ASis claims and keeps the miracle of sobriety), now I am watching (from a distance) as my ASis drowns in this disease called alcoholism.
And like you did with your AB, I recognize I am grieving her loss, before her actual death. (Sometimes I think this slow grief/mourning can be more painful than the grief of a sudden loss......). But the initial shock of the ACTUAL death may not be as severe. (I have been through several deaths, sudden and anticipated.)
Your feelings about your AB are OK, Becki. You are OK.
And we, the members of SR's F&F understand and support you!
Sending more hugs to ya'.
Here's another suggestion for you - since you wrote that you are doing "fine" - you might just say:
"I am doing OK - thanks for asking".
Because that's the truth. You are doing OK.
And isn't it nice that others care??
I understand - truly understand the relief you and your AB's daughters are feeling since his death.
That is exactly how I felt after my AF died suddenly, but directly related to his alcoholism.
Oh------How he had struggled and suffered so much with this disease. For decades!
For me, I dealt with his death as if he had died after a long struggle with a terminal, very painful disease like cancer. (After all, Alcoholism can be terminal and very painful - for ALL involved).
To me his death took him out of his pain and misery. It had become obvious that he was not going to survive this terrible disease. He was finally out of pain and no longer had to battle his horrible alcoholism!!!
Sadly, (unless my ASis claims and keeps the miracle of sobriety), now I am watching (from a distance) as my ASis drowns in this disease called alcoholism.
And like you did with your AB, I recognize I am grieving her loss, before her actual death. (Sometimes I think this slow grief/mourning can be more painful than the grief of a sudden loss......). But the initial shock of the ACTUAL death may not be as severe. (I have been through several deaths, sudden and anticipated.)
Your feelings about your AB are OK, Becki. You are OK.
And we, the members of SR's F&F understand and support you!
Sending more hugs to ya'.
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