BAW81

It is obviously your call, you know them, it's your situation.

I know that I was VERY afraid/ashamed to ask for help (and I still struggle) so if you are and that is your reason for not asking these people or others to help (ultimately your son), please give some time to rethink that mindset. Removing your son for 2 days so the adults have time to deal with this could go a long way for all of you and if they are "dear friends," they should be happy to help.

I am not trying to overstep, I hope you don't mind my suggestion.

thephoenixrises

If I was in Ohio, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Peace to you, COD.

FireSprite

Me too - if only we could have an SR babysitting chain to help keep our little ones safe & happy during these hard times..... that'd be just as useful as the Codie Bus, eh?

hopeful4

Yes!!!!!!!

CentralOhioDad

That would be totally awesome!! I'd be happy to pitch in as well!

Challenger2013

Your lawyer is right. My STBXAW said that she would go to court regarding Primary Residential Parent status, but once she read through the interrogatories that her lawyer sent me (questions about arrests, addiction treatment, etc) she admitted there is no way a judge would side with her.
She’s also sweating the idea that she will have to produce bank records for the restaurant she is part owner of. The restaurant that has LOTS of cash transactions that may or may not get reported to the IRS.
If your AW is smart, or her lawyer can talk some sense into her, she is liable to just fold and quit fighting.

hearthealth

COD, May you have all the happiness this world has to offer.

Hawkeye13

I'm useless with childcare--the home I grew up in was so toxic with alcoholism
I realized I was too broken to break the chain and so I chose never to have children.

However, I could play games, toss the ball, take him hiking for a few hours

You are doing the right thing. Sparkle and I, and some others here, grew to adulthood in an untenable situation.

You are saving your son from that. Be strong and be comforted

ScaryTime

Good for you COD. Hoping her response is not as bad as anticipated.
Continue to keep a level head with your eye on the prize of taking care if your son.
Sending positive thoughts and peace!

CentralOhioDad

He just likes to have company when he plays: have a lightsaber fight, throw the football or baseball around, watch a science show on TV - he's pretty easy.

You guys are the BEST!!!!

FireSprite

Actually, this makes you a babysitting HERO in my world.

I'm AWFUL about playing & making time for simple fun. I can hardly tolerate board games at all - this is the biggest area I have for improvement with my parenting. I'd rather take her to the movies, to an event, go shopping or get pedicures than play Monopoly or Life.



How are you holding up, COD? Stomach still in knots?

CentralOhioDad

FS - thanks for asking! I'm wavering between a sense of calm and relief, and also waiting for the sh*t to hit the fan. I know it will get worse before it gets better, and I know I can't worry about the 'what ifs' - I just need to deal with the anger, hate and vile as they come from AW. The fact that I made a move in some direction, ANY direction, helps a bit.

I told my dear friend today at lunch, who is also DS's Godfather. He is not surprised it all came to this. I didn't keep him updated with all the goings-on, but he had a feeling.

I guess I'm in the "in-between" place right now. Closing in on everything getting all turned upside down.

CoParentToA

Personally I underestimated - and find I am still underestimating - how much I needed support, both emotionally and functionally - during this transition period where I am suddenly the sole custodial parent. I just had therapy this morning, and my therapist pointed out how much emphasis I was putting on being the one to handle it, alone, versus reaching out and letting others in. I'm an oldest child, a planner, a dealer, and my tendency is to try to be the "perfect mom" without assistance. It's super hard for me not to think of myself - or want to be singlehandedly - their hero.

(Even my husband called me on it the other day when I said I felt guilty he had to deal with something I felt I should have done - "Hey, maybe it's not obvious, but I love the twins and think of them as my own. You're not in this alone.")

Years ago, someone shared a construct called "the Drama Triangle" and I find the more I can apply it, the calmer I can manage things.

The idea is that drama results any time people are wittingly (or unwittingly) cast into one of three roles: Villain, Victim and Hero.

It is SOOOO easy for me to slip into casting myself, my ex and my two children into those roles. But I find that doing so increases the drama, and at the same time, my ability to deal with it, because I get personally riled up in a hero vs villain dynamic.

I have had much more success negotiating when I can use language that's about me versus him: I feel comfortable / uncomfortable, I think it's important, I don't feel it's appropriate for me to police your drinking, your recovery is your responsibility, etc.

There is SOOO much gaslighting that happens in these situations that keeping drama to a minimum helps me to maintain my cool, my detachment, and my focus on what I am trying to achieve:

"I don't want to argue about whether it is right for me to be concerned about your drinking - what's important is that you know that I am concerned, there's nothing that you can say which will change my level of concern, and for child's sake, I feel I have to take action accordingly."

By the way, it took me about three years to figure this out, and I feel like I have only recently been able to put it into practice more than 50% of the time. So easier said than done but maybe you'll be able to apply it from the initial court proceedings in a way that I could not!!

HardLessons

Hi COD

There came a time when I had to make decisions concerning my addict. I had to face my worst fears. I didn't want to make those decisions & had no strength left to face those fears. But some how I did it. Some how I got it done. I honestly don't know how.

Facing our worst fears is usually not as bad as we thought it was going to be.

I have followed your various threads. I don't believe I ever posted any response. But I want you to know I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks

tomsteve

COD, its been quite a few years since i got out of a severly dysfuntional relationship. just because i was done didnt mean she was. there were many,many days of sh*t hitting the fan.
something that helped me stay sane during those days the sh*t was hitting the fan was kikin back and cranking this up. sometimes it was just when i saw it was her calling:


she may not have appreciated it playing in the background, but it made me feel better.
not suggesting ya do it while interacting with AW,though.

CentralOhioDad

Oh, tomsteve - that was hilarious! I needed that, thanks!

FireSprite

I'm REALLY happy to hear that you starting reaching out - I know this is particularly hard for an introvert like you. I hope it gave you even just a tiny bit of relief to have unburdened yourself to a trusting friend. This was a habit I had to intentionally build - I had gone so long never reaching out for any little thing.

I remember being surprised because I expected to feel worse every time I shared (shame, guilt, fear) but ended up walking away feeling lighter & less burdened.... even though nothing really changed as a result of one single conversation like that.

The biggest surprise was that it actually helped me develop deeper trust & friendship in those relationships..... - why? Because I hadn't realized that in allll that time of me never "needing" them I also wasn't doing anything to build trust on my side in that way - I'd give, give, give & then leave the false impression that I never needed....that I was "perfect" in some ways, at least in their view. It made my relationships far more one-sided than I realized or intended & sometimes left others feeling judged (when I wasn't). Doing this increased my own internal pressure to keep up the façade. Once I opened up, people closest to me were like, "Finally! Now I know how to be a real friend to her!"... and we've developed far stronger relationships as a result.

Don't be afraid to show the worthy, supportive people in your life that you have needs too, no matter how few & far between those peeps are!

dandylion

COD......Monitoring your self talk might help. When you tell yourself...."Thing are going to get worse....things are going to get turned all upside down".
Change that to-----"Things might get rocky when she is served....but I am a competent person and I will handle whatever challenge presents itself, I know that help is available and I will use it as necessary".
self talk is very important.....

CentralOhioDad

Very good insight, FS. I understand where you're coming from, I've been the same way in many instances, I was the helper, not the one needing help.

CentralOhioDad

My self-talk is not always so positive. Not that I'm a negative person, I'm just REALLY hard on myself!