Wheelsup

Things are ... what they are? The whole "I'm not drinking thing" has definitely gone by the wayside and did so on Tuesday. (And yesterday.) Surprise, surprise. I'm sure he's blaming me - because I didn't praise his hard work - but I don't care. (To be clear, I am barely talking to him so I don't know for certain that's what he's thinking and he didn't say anything. I just ... know how he thinks.) I am realizing, though, that the drinking truly has nothing to do with me. He drinks no matter what I do.

The more I have distance from him ... the more I am mad at myself for tolerating all this for so long. ARGH. Nothing I can do now, but boy am I po'd at me.

I am not happy about last night; he took the kids out to dinner as I had a volunteer thing in my home. I doubt he drove (probably my 16 year old did) but I didn't know how to handle it without a huge confrontation (and a confrontation with a drunk person a half hour or so before people are showing up is just ugh) ... so I just avoided. Next time, I'll plan ahead better and just order pizza before it becomes an issue.

I've been trying to figure out how affected the kids are with conversations here and there. I've learned, for example, that my 10 year old knows what vodka is. My 15 year old wanted to know a few days ago why Dad wasn't picking her up - and I explained that I was concerned about his drinking and trying to do more driving duties. She didn't say anything (which was her older brother's response when I had a similar conversation). So, I don't know what that means. But, I am slowly trying to open conversations with my kids about all this drinking stuff.

For myself, I have given up alcohol completely. I had developed a very unhealthy relationship with the stuff and walked away from it in October for good. YAY for me!

I am moving forward with the lawyer and cleaning up some financial stuff. A slow process, but am getting there.

Challenger2013

Sounds like you’re doing all you can.

It seems like a slow process, mostly because it is such an emotional roller coaster. However, someday the worst will be behind you. You will still have to deal with him for a few years because of the kids, but even that will become more and more infrequent as they grow up.

Stick in there!

firebolt

Good for you for quitting drinking! I think we can pretty easily develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, including substances.

Just want you to know we're all cheering you on! YOU are the only one in the partnership that wants things to be different for you and the kids, and you are making it happen! (((HUGS))) to you - nothing about it is easy!

FireSprite

It's really shocking isn't it? At 5, my daughter had no idea about anything being related to alcohol but she had her finger on the pulse of the dysfunction happening for sure. When we separated she asked me who would get custody if we divorced & I asked her what she'd like to have happen. She said she wanted to live with me but visit dad sometimes because she loved him, but didn't feel like he always made good choices. When I asked for examples she recounted multiple incidents of him being pulled over for speeding, etc, him allowing her to have treats when even SHE knew she shouldn't, that no matter what she knew I had/would never lie to her but she was pretty sure dad did lie to her often..... things like that.

I remember making it through that conversation & sobbing heavily afterwards at the shock of how at such a young age she had already had better comprehension & acceptance of what was happening than I did myself - that she was basically telling all about how her love for him didn't automatically come with her trust & respect.

It took me two more years to realllllly catch on to all that was happening with him. My own codependency had me in such a FOG that I didn't even attempt to heal - I just kept myself distracted & worked on managing my panic attacks without even stopping to figure out WHY they were happening.

YOU sound like you are handling all of this remarkably well at this point, hang in there!!

Wheelsup

I had the most upsetting conversation with my oldest son today, who is 16 and got his license in July. Apparently, a few months ago - he didn't give a time frame but I am guessing this would have been when he had his permit (not license) - he went with his father to pick his aunt (my husband's sister) from the airport.

Instead of the father driving home ... the father and aunt went to a bar and did shots of vodka (with my son there - and told he was the designated driver). Side note - my husband's sister is an alcoholic as well. (And, his father.)



REALLY. REALLY.

My son was like "don't tell Dad I told you this." And, clearly, he was told not to tell me. And it is far too late to actually do anything about it. I stayed calm so he'd talk about it. .... But, but, but OMG. That just makes me MAD. My son doesn't think this is a big deal and, if I bring up his father's drinking, he says stuff like 'oh, he knows its a problem and is working on it." Or, 'it isn't a big deal.' I feel like I"m going to lose my son when all hell breaks lose with me filing for separation. But, and I said this to my son, this is NOT normal.

In what world is this behavior okay?

Now, I'm completely scared that I've taught my kids to keep justifying. Today was the perfect example of it. This is NOT okay ...

Wheelsup

I just want to cry. I was telecommuting today and decided to spend a few hours feeling sorry for myself, as I was on the verge of anxiety attacks thinking of what's to come.I wasn't functioning well.

And, then this conversation.

hopeful4

It's so shocking when things like this happen. My XAH drank in the car while my child was driving, she had only even had her license for about 2 months. And...it's in my divorce decree he is not allowed to drink around them or have alcohol around them, or take them anywhere alcohol is the main component (bar). And that was the choice he made. Disgusting.

You really need to have talks with your children so they are not blind sighted if and when you file for divorce. I would have age appropriate conversations b/c the reality is that they should never be put in the place of being their own parent's DD.

I am so sorry. Sending out HUGE hugs to you.

glenl

Oh man, I'm sorry that happened. Your son is young, he will eventually see it for what it was.

Hang in there, I think something was in the air today.

dandylion

Wheelsup.....I actually think that it might not be the best idea to tell the children about the divorce, until it happens....or id your husband is "out I n the open" about it.....Why? Because....it puts WORLD load of "responsibility" on the kids shoulders...knowing something like that...that their father doesn't know. It may have some unintended results...like them feeling in the middle and like they have to "pick a side".....or, like they need to stop dad from drinking...and, feeling guilty when they can't....etc.......

Don't you think you may be future tripping quite a bit?.....
I think you may be surprised that your kids will react less than you expect them to....especially, if you remain calm and don't transfer your own anxieties to them....Kids don't live in a complete vacuum...and probably know a great deal more than you think......

hopeful4

I agree maybe not tell them about divorce, but sit down and have age appropriate conversations about what is acceptable behavior and is not, what is dangerous, etc.

FireSprite

It's going to be ok though, don't throw in the towel after one bad day. Truth is, you're likely to hear more & more that will raise your blood pressure even higher as this progresses.

Just KEEP talking Wheels, don't stop no matter what. Your son is old enough to hear things about YOUR process too, as you make new awarenesses they can be the basis for new conversations. (not everything, obviously) When you share your humility & shame over all of this, you'll show your son that it's ok to feel vulnerable, that we don't all have all the answers all the time. When you listen without judgment, you build trust because he'll felt HEARD.....then go punch walls & scream later.

I'm sorry, it must have felt like a gut-punch to realize how quickly he started abusing your son's driving privileges.

Wheelsup

Thanks everyone. I don't intend on talking to the kids about the divorce/separation until/when it happens. What I have been doing is asking them about the drinking and what they think. Their answers have made me realize that my downplaying it has not served them well. So, I'm changing that, or trying to. It results in some upsetting conversation (like the one I put above with my 16 year old).

Another example ... I've taken over more of the kid driving duties. I used to do all of it, but when my husband lost his job 16 months ago .. he took on more of that so I could focus more on my job. Frankly, I didn't 'need' him to do that ... but it did make it easier, if that makes sense. Anyhow, I've reclaimed that - as I can't trust him to be sober. I just did it; no discussion. After a few weeks, he noticed and griped at me. I ignored that too. Last night, I did all the driving - took one son to a campout, a daughter to sporting event then scouts, another daughter to scouts, then to another sporting event. Husband stayed home (as he had come home from a 'lunch' clearly having too many drinks). He didn't say a word.

My oldest daughter (15) has noticed, and asked the other day 'why can't dad pick me up.' And, I essentially said 'he drinks a lot.' I stated it as a fact and we moved on (so there wasn't much discussion). But, actions speak louder than words. Or, I hope so.

The other thing I'm realizing in all of this is that I have never gotten over his affairs. I uncovered those affairs almost seven years ago; we had marriage counseling, etc. etc. He blamed alcohol as one of the reasons for the affairs, and I believed that. Now, I am not so sure, especially after reading some of the threads on here. Now, I'm thinking he's just a jerk with no boundaries. Regardless, even if you do say alcohol is a reason ... he's still drinking. And drinking more than ever. So, no behavior changed, as he promised it would, in the seven years I've waited to see improvement. And, in many ways, that matters more than me than the drinking. (Sounds absolutely terrible. )

Still puzzling all this out for myself.

maia1234

W,
Sounds like you are taking your voice back. My kids from a very early age knew dad had a drinking problem, the problem was that it was just always the white elephant in the room...yep dad is drunk, yes he's being obnoxious, yes dad works hard but plays hard. Basic 101 in our household, ugh!!

It makes me cry when I think for so many years that I allowed my kids to be subjected to his abuse, as it was ok for me, but not them. My dd25 is working on details for meeting up with her dad for Christmas, and it is a nightmare, he's just an axx to her. I here what he is doing and it makes me cringe as I lived that horror my whole life and now she is subjected to it and I can't protect her.

This whole process takes time for a reason. What happens now is that you become super mom, working, cleaning, driving, shopping, cooking, and team mom. You become terribly resentful because you give him a pass to sit home and get drunk, while you are running around like a crazy fool. It sucks.

Keep lines of communication open, and I am sure you will start hearing startling stories of inappropriate behavior. Just document everything as you will need this info. Also see if the kids are interested in attending alateen. It's a great resource for them and if they see you attending alanon, they might be interested.
My biggest blessing from God, was that neither of my kids are addicts(so far). I believe it's in you DNA so odds are stacked up against our kids. Being open and blunt about it discouraged my kids from drinking at an early age, and so far it has worked.

This is not a race, but a marathon. Get all your ducks in a row, do you homework and make calculated decisions which will be best for you and your kids. He is an adult and needs to be treated as such. Keep moving forward.

Sasha1972

I'm kind of appalled that your husband used his 16-year-old son to facilitate getting drunk with his sister. A teenager should NOT be the designated driver for a parent - parents are supposed to safeguard and look after kids, not the other way around!

It sounds like he's busy minimizing his drinking - yeah, it's a problem but he's "working on it", no big deal. I think it's one of the laws of the universe that addicts will always claim that other people are making a big deal out of a tiny little minor thing, move it along folks, nothing to see here. And then we normal people feel crazy because we think there is a big deal. But we are right.

I'm glad you are talking to your kids about the consequences of their father's drinking. Just stating it factually - dad's not able to drive you because he drinks a lot - helps them to accept it as reality and avoid denial, while also not forcing them to choose sides between Mom and Dad. They're going to be getting subtle pressure from their father to minimize it, as dad's tiny little problem, and you're modelling how to not minimize it, without freaking out. It's a tough line to walk but it sounds like you're doing it really well.

And as for the affairs - alcohol didn't make him have an affair, any more than an affair would have made him drink. He owns both of those things.

You're doing really well and being a great parent to your kids (and they're going to need a great parent in their corner, if the other parent is an addict). Keep going!

Wheelsup

Hello everyone. Just checking in on this journey somewhere (still figuring out where).

I find myself going back and forth between - "Am I crazy?" and "This is the right thing to do." I keep having to remind myself this is the right thing to do.

My husband appears to not be drinking, or didn't appear to this weekend. I've been avoiding him as much as possible -and he's noticed - so (as a friend of mine put it) he is on his best behavior. The weird thing is ... he hasn't asked about my behavior at all. Just given me grumpy looks or said some snotty comments. That's it. It makes me think that he's afraid of what I know - and I wonder if there isn't another affair there somewhere. Wouldn't surprise me.

Anyhow ... that's all to report for now.

Mango blast

Alanon... for us.

Alateen... for our kids.

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. It's not easy.

(((Hugs)))

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...-anon-meeting/

Sasha1972

Sounds like his best behaviour isn`t that great.

Wheelsup

Sasha - I know.

It has been one of the strangest things ... to be waiting for him to ask about why I'm so distant and barely communicating. He says absolutely nothing at all. I got one question - once in early November - that was basically "are we okay?" He asked after having six beers when we went out to dinner with another couple (and I was driving home).

I said: "I don't like how much you are drinking." He said: "I can tell." And, when we got home, he had another 9 beers. And ... that was the only time he asked since I've changed my behavior toward him. Hence, I am quite suspicious.

He was drinking today; came home from 'work' and looks like he's had a few. I do not know if we have any in the house; I am trying really hard to remove myself from all of the drinking. It is really hard to be the 'mother' of an adult child.

Wheelsup

I should say the one thing I struggle with is the feeling I am ruining my children's lives. My addiction therapist says that the kids often end up mad at the sober parent because they didn't do anything to help the addicted one. Essentially, I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

That means ... the kids may be mad at me now for drawing and holding to the no alcohol line ... but, if I don't, they'll most likely be mad at me later for NOT drawing the line.

Or, as a friend of mine put it, you're going to take it on the chin no matter what.

Just sharing in case it helps others. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

dandylion

Wheelsup....when you read the threads written in the Adult Children of Alcoholics foru ms....the one consistent thing that is said....is "why did we have to stay?" There does seem to be a lot of resentment toward the non-alcoholic parent for keeping the kids in the alcoholic environment......
I don't think you will find any support for keeping the children jn a home that is focused around addiction.....so that they won't be "mad" at you.....

I suggested, in another post, that you actually get the books and literature of Adult Children of Alcoholics....which you can get on amazon.com
You can get a more realistic picture of what it is l ike from the actual people who were raised in alcoholic homes....

Also, I hope you are reading the many articles in our extensive library....(known as the stickies)....
here is a link.....I think you will get a lot out of them....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)