What to do when the A runs out of options, and may contact you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Joel,
I think you are looking for "closure". It really is hard to think of how someone can just discard us that easily. Well, they can. This hit me really hard also. I was married for 26 years to my ex, I had 2 different cancers and a DVT that he helped me through. We were looking forward to retirement and spoiling our grandchildren. Then he started to disappear for a weekend, a week, a month, 2 months, and couldn't understand why I would be upset about that. I never got "closure" and I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me. There wasn't nothing wrong with me, and there isn't anything wrong with you.
Sometimes we just need to accept that we will only get that "closure", when we give it to ourselves.
I also learned that I eventually had to forgive my ex. I didn't do this for him, I did this for me, because I no longer wanted to hold onto anger and the wondering. I had to Let go, Let God. I'm a lot happier now.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I think you are looking for "closure". It really is hard to think of how someone can just discard us that easily. Well, they can. This hit me really hard also. I was married for 26 years to my ex, I had 2 different cancers and a DVT that he helped me through. We were looking forward to retirement and spoiling our grandchildren. Then he started to disappear for a weekend, a week, a month, 2 months, and couldn't understand why I would be upset about that. I never got "closure" and I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me. There wasn't nothing wrong with me, and there isn't anything wrong with you.
Sometimes we just need to accept that we will only get that "closure", when we give it to ourselves.
I also learned that I eventually had to forgive my ex. I didn't do this for him, I did this for me, because I no longer wanted to hold onto anger and the wondering. I had to Let go, Let God. I'm a lot happier now.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I should add, the effects on the hippocampus and the frontal lobe from such intoxication is bound to skew judgement and for a long time to come.
huh. i'm sure none of us here know anything about alcohol and it's effects, so thank you.
It seems so easy to write her off because she left me when sober, but the mindset was still that of an alcoholic, clearly.
she has been an alcoholic for longer than one month, joel. she was a drinker when you MET, remember?? so if we follow your line of reasoning about the mindset of an alcoholic, she made the decision to be WITH you with that same mindset.
case in point:
she became an alcoholic about 1 1/2 years before this, and according to her long time friends, the issue showed itself long ago. In the past few years, she was dealing with a change of jobs from being a successful model (VERY SUCCESSFUL) to much less jobs and having to rent out her condo to pay for it. Then, she decided to change jobs to realty, and did fine in that for about a year. Then she started to drink, and lost her job there, and tried to start her own business with a girlfriend. This is when she really picked up the drinking, showing up to showings drunk, and eventually the company holding her license said they will no longer hold it unless she seeks help. After November of last year, she had withdrawal seizures, and I witnessed up to 6 of them through out the next year.
she's been a train wreck for years. before you, during you, after you.
She isn't paying for any of her bills, which I still get at my house, and her condo is likely to foreclose according to her parents. She has huge IRS debt from when she made so much and we were going to do an offer and compromise but since this she isn't taking it very seriously. In fact, she blames her parents for getting the condo and actually all of her financial woes and her mom for even many of her life problems.
i'm sure none of this will make a dent. you have moved from denial to delusional about who this person REALLY is. you believe that if she be dehydrated like an apricot, and gets a couple months under her belt, that she is going to just poof turn into the woman of your dreams. she doesn't just have an ALCOHOL problem, she has a irresponsible, impulsive, selfish, lack of maturity problem.
so i really wish you well. you are going to ride this out how you see fit, and stay deeply enmeshed in her problems, and cling fiercely to what you believe you know about her. i suggest you cowboy up for this ride.
huh. i'm sure none of us here know anything about alcohol and it's effects, so thank you.
It seems so easy to write her off because she left me when sober, but the mindset was still that of an alcoholic, clearly.
she has been an alcoholic for longer than one month, joel. she was a drinker when you MET, remember?? so if we follow your line of reasoning about the mindset of an alcoholic, she made the decision to be WITH you with that same mindset.
case in point:
she became an alcoholic about 1 1/2 years before this, and according to her long time friends, the issue showed itself long ago. In the past few years, she was dealing with a change of jobs from being a successful model (VERY SUCCESSFUL) to much less jobs and having to rent out her condo to pay for it. Then, she decided to change jobs to realty, and did fine in that for about a year. Then she started to drink, and lost her job there, and tried to start her own business with a girlfriend. This is when she really picked up the drinking, showing up to showings drunk, and eventually the company holding her license said they will no longer hold it unless she seeks help. After November of last year, she had withdrawal seizures, and I witnessed up to 6 of them through out the next year.
she's been a train wreck for years. before you, during you, after you.
She isn't paying for any of her bills, which I still get at my house, and her condo is likely to foreclose according to her parents. She has huge IRS debt from when she made so much and we were going to do an offer and compromise but since this she isn't taking it very seriously. In fact, she blames her parents for getting the condo and actually all of her financial woes and her mom for even many of her life problems.
i'm sure none of this will make a dent. you have moved from denial to delusional about who this person REALLY is. you believe that if she be dehydrated like an apricot, and gets a couple months under her belt, that she is going to just poof turn into the woman of your dreams. she doesn't just have an ALCOHOL problem, she has a irresponsible, impulsive, selfish, lack of maturity problem.
so i really wish you well. you are going to ride this out how you see fit, and stay deeply enmeshed in her problems, and cling fiercely to what you believe you know about her. i suggest you cowboy up for this ride.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by GoodguyJoel 
Tom Steve,
What gives you the impression I think you are stupid? I will outright say I think you people on here are stronger than I could ever be. I’m impressed constantly with your resilience and commitment. I don’t believe I ever said I think you are wrong...I just am trying to get through my own struggle.
What gives you the impression I think you are stupid? I will outright say I think you people on here are stronger than I could ever be. I’m impressed constantly with your resilience and commitment. I don’t believe I ever said I think you are wrong...I just am trying to get through my own struggle.
I should add, the effects on the hippocampus and the frontal lobe from such intoxication is bound to skew judgement and for a long time to come.
why should you add that?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by tomsteve
one of many instances:
I should add, the effects on the hippocampus and the frontal lobe from such intoxication is bound to skew judgement and for a long time to come.
why should you add that?
I should add, the effects on the hippocampus and the frontal lobe from such intoxication is bound to skew judgement and for a long time to come.
why should you add that?
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Oh goodness. Joel, I made so many of the same excuses for my ex when I was in the relationship. I still have residual excuse-making stuck in my brain. It's all mixed in there with grief in the yuckiest porridge that sometimes blows out my orifices for the people around me to clean up and I get to hear them say (if my ears are not clogged with my pity porridge): "Shut-the-f-up-Okatz, move on, move on now. I'm not talking to you like this." Are you stupid? Umm... was I stupid? It would be a surprise if all the gaslighting, lying, stealing, cleaning up vomit, financial ruin, control-freaking, aging-into-uselessness that happened during my relationship did not make both of us stupid. Are you stupid. Hell yeah. Was I stupid. Umm, YES. Am I still stupid? Well look at me. Do you think I'm stupid? I'm maybe half a seed less stupid than I was five months ago... but I'm still working through the stupidity. Don't worry about what led you here or you will make yourself stupid from worry.
May I suggest some practical activities that might help? This is just to get you out of your head. I'm not a therapist but this has been suggested to me by doctors and also the wonderful people here on SR:
- Exercise (anything that gets the blood moving through your body)
- Keep a journal or diary and from time to time re-read it
- Write unsent letters.
- Spend at least one hour a day where you are doing something so involving that you don't think about her... and this could include gardening, cleaning the entire house for no reason, repainting something, polishing your shoes, removing all your clothes from your closet and ironing them for no reason, giving yourself a facial... whatever. I was given the advice to Marie Kondo my house (remove anything that doesn't spark joy). I like the idea.
- Let yourself be stupid and cry. Seriously, just lie down and cry like a baby. Do it. Don't be ashamed. Life is stupid and people are stupid and love is stupid. Cry until you are angry.
- Cook your favorite food from scratch. If it's a particular flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, google it and try to make it from scratch. Really nourish your body.
- Look at your hair -- do you need a haircut? Get it. Have you shaved recently? No? Do it.
- If you have done all these things and are starting to feel positive... DO NOT get into another relationship yet (you might just end up with another nutter). Make sure you've lined up all your other commitments: Alanon/Naranon, psychologist, doctor (if you need anti-depressants), dog-walking, work, etc....
- Make a collage or paint a picture of where you want to be in five years and hang it or stick it where you can see it when you wake in the mornings. Make sure that this collage does not include any photographs or the name of your ex. At the risk of sounding flaky, you need to leave things a bit open ended so the universe can send you love that has nothing to do with your ex. You need to allow the universe to send you what you need.
I completely forgot who said this but security is the enemy. I think it was Eve Ansler. Yes it was. She said security was the enemy. We all think we need it. Heck, I think I need it. I know I want it. But it keeps us from moving forwards and receiving the things we need to learn and grow from.
It's hard for me to read your posts, Joel, because early this year, I was saying ALL the things you are saying now to people in my life. I alienated lots of friends and family because of it. I found myself so alone in my relationship with someone who was increasingly taking advantage of my naivety and good intentions. The road to ruin is often paved with good intentions.
I will also add that some of the comments are harsh and I too started out not liking Anvilhead and Tom... but now if I see their names, I go straight to what they have to say. These people really know what they're talking about. Trust them.
May I suggest some practical activities that might help? This is just to get you out of your head. I'm not a therapist but this has been suggested to me by doctors and also the wonderful people here on SR:
- Exercise (anything that gets the blood moving through your body)
- Keep a journal or diary and from time to time re-read it
- Write unsent letters.
- Spend at least one hour a day where you are doing something so involving that you don't think about her... and this could include gardening, cleaning the entire house for no reason, repainting something, polishing your shoes, removing all your clothes from your closet and ironing them for no reason, giving yourself a facial... whatever. I was given the advice to Marie Kondo my house (remove anything that doesn't spark joy). I like the idea.
- Let yourself be stupid and cry. Seriously, just lie down and cry like a baby. Do it. Don't be ashamed. Life is stupid and people are stupid and love is stupid. Cry until you are angry.
- Cook your favorite food from scratch. If it's a particular flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, google it and try to make it from scratch. Really nourish your body.
- Look at your hair -- do you need a haircut? Get it. Have you shaved recently? No? Do it.
- If you have done all these things and are starting to feel positive... DO NOT get into another relationship yet (you might just end up with another nutter). Make sure you've lined up all your other commitments: Alanon/Naranon, psychologist, doctor (if you need anti-depressants), dog-walking, work, etc....
- Make a collage or paint a picture of where you want to be in five years and hang it or stick it where you can see it when you wake in the mornings. Make sure that this collage does not include any photographs or the name of your ex. At the risk of sounding flaky, you need to leave things a bit open ended so the universe can send you love that has nothing to do with your ex. You need to allow the universe to send you what you need.
I completely forgot who said this but security is the enemy. I think it was Eve Ansler. Yes it was. She said security was the enemy. We all think we need it. Heck, I think I need it. I know I want it. But it keeps us from moving forwards and receiving the things we need to learn and grow from.
It's hard for me to read your posts, Joel, because early this year, I was saying ALL the things you are saying now to people in my life. I alienated lots of friends and family because of it. I found myself so alone in my relationship with someone who was increasingly taking advantage of my naivety and good intentions. The road to ruin is often paved with good intentions.
I will also add that some of the comments are harsh and I too started out not liking Anvilhead and Tom... but now if I see their names, I go straight to what they have to say. These people really know what they're talking about. Trust them.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I used to say: but he's acting like this because his PTSD and self-medication affects his frontal lobes.
The people I talked to said: Umm... he's smoking more than weed, Okatz, that stuff looks like freebase cocaine -- that's not a PTSD problem, that's a drug addiction problem.
I quacked so hard.
The people I talked to said: Umm... he's smoking more than weed, Okatz, that stuff looks like freebase cocaine -- that's not a PTSD problem, that's a drug addiction problem.
I quacked so hard.
Originally Posted by amy55
I took that as trying to find an excuse for "closure" or validation.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Try this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92i5m3tV5XY
Or any youtube video of music you used to listen to when you were an enraged, hormonal pre-teen.
Or any youtube video of music you used to listen to when you were an enraged, hormonal pre-teen.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 109
Fair enough all of you. I’m not here to compete with linguistics. I have written many of these posts in heavy emotional states. I reread them and catch my own errs of proofreading as a form of haste, just to convey my thoughts. I am not saying this is right, it just is what it is, and much like text messaging, I think it is hard to capture that moments emotion. I will just say that I agree with all of you, but by me saying a component of the brain, I assumed you likely knew this. It wasn’t meant as demeaning and I don’t need a lesson in being humble over how I phrased it, and if it made some feel like they need to respond showing they know more than me. It isn’t about that. I make statements like that to show I am on board with trying to educate myself, and that statement is seriously just a tiny tip of the iceberg. This is no competition. I have assumed from the start you all have greater wisdom than I, but is it a problem to question the “master” or should the “master” then proceed to reach. I accept your lessons, but come on we are gdtting side tracked here. I never state I am the pro here, never have. There likely is no “pro” but I am happy to listen to those who have experience. This all isn’t easy for me on this end, and it saddens me to know that my experience makes people mad enough to leave the thread. I am only human, and full of flaws. We can only process as quickly as our brains can handle it...so go ahead and keep giving feedback. Thank you.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,555
" it was all about trying to help her get to the place of wanting to go in for detox, "
But she doesn't want to detox. You haven't accomplished that at all. At. All. She just had no other options. You're fantasizing that it's the same as choosing detox. It just isn't.
You keep talking about her being sober for four days or three weeks or some other length of time. She had a drinking problem before she met you. She may have been a functional alcoholic who white-knuckled her way along. I guaran-damn-tee you she wasn't "sober." Not in a real sense where she viewed her life long term and took responsibility for her actions. That's what we mean by being sober, not just not drinking for four days.
I'm out. Your view of this that remains unchanged from your very first post. If you wish to continue to vent and ignore the experiences of others, that is your choice.
But she doesn't want to detox. You haven't accomplished that at all. At. All. She just had no other options. You're fantasizing that it's the same as choosing detox. It just isn't.
You keep talking about her being sober for four days or three weeks or some other length of time. She had a drinking problem before she met you. She may have been a functional alcoholic who white-knuckled her way along. I guaran-damn-tee you she wasn't "sober." Not in a real sense where she viewed her life long term and took responsibility for her actions. That's what we mean by being sober, not just not drinking for four days.
I'm out. Your view of this that remains unchanged from your very first post. If you wish to continue to vent and ignore the experiences of others, that is your choice.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i dont think anyone leaves because theyre mad.
however, people may leave because they read what they feel is someone who doesnt accept they cant change someone else- they are powerless over the situation. they could leave because it hurts to read someone who still has hope that they can say or do something to change a person, yet that person is completely,100% lost. they could leave because they read someone who may be thinking the bottom is near for her and now i can help and get her back.
but no ones mad,joel.
back to my previous post when i mentioned:
the chapter where i fell in love with someone that was a manipulator and unavailable?
for quite some time i was hopin and prayin she would change. for quite some time i was tryin to find the right things to say because nothing i was saying seemed to change her.
through that time, i had someone from here i was communicating with- someone with a pink crowbar really workin it to pop my head outta my but so I could here what was being said- that there was absolutely nothing i could do or say to change her.
then one day i was told,not exact words, but," tom, youve been running crazy with so much hope and tryin to think of some way to get her to change;trying to find the right words or actions to do that. you start doin good, then answer the phone and worse off then before because it was the same viscious cycle- you have what you think are the magic words and she basically tells you,"no ya dont". you think you she's gonna listen to you and you wont listen to me. what makes you think you have the magic words to make her listen and accept what you say yet you wont listen and accept what im saying?"
dam THAT hurt, but dam THAT got through.
dam straight i cried my ass off. i hurt like no ones hurt before( did ya'll catch that uniqueness??
).
because i accepted the FACTS- i was destroying myself by allowing it to continue.
dont know where i was goin with all that, but sure hope ya decide to surrender and work on you.
however, people may leave because they read what they feel is someone who doesnt accept they cant change someone else- they are powerless over the situation. they could leave because it hurts to read someone who still has hope that they can say or do something to change a person, yet that person is completely,100% lost. they could leave because they read someone who may be thinking the bottom is near for her and now i can help and get her back.
but no ones mad,joel.
back to my previous post when i mentioned:
the chapter where i fell in love with someone that was a manipulator and unavailable?
for quite some time i was hopin and prayin she would change. for quite some time i was tryin to find the right things to say because nothing i was saying seemed to change her.
through that time, i had someone from here i was communicating with- someone with a pink crowbar really workin it to pop my head outta my but so I could here what was being said- that there was absolutely nothing i could do or say to change her.
then one day i was told,not exact words, but," tom, youve been running crazy with so much hope and tryin to think of some way to get her to change;trying to find the right words or actions to do that. you start doin good, then answer the phone and worse off then before because it was the same viscious cycle- you have what you think are the magic words and she basically tells you,"no ya dont". you think you she's gonna listen to you and you wont listen to me. what makes you think you have the magic words to make her listen and accept what you say yet you wont listen and accept what im saying?"
dam THAT hurt, but dam THAT got through.
dam straight i cried my ass off. i hurt like no ones hurt before( did ya'll catch that uniqueness??
).because i accepted the FACTS- i was destroying myself by allowing it to continue.
dont know where i was goin with all that, but sure hope ya decide to surrender and work on you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Your current experience was like my first experience with my ex after he relapsed. Keep in mind I said his first relapse because there were many more. Like you I had no idea of the depths addiction would take him and everyone else who jumped on the crazy train and of course we all jumped out of LOVE out of DESPAIR and FEAR for him and his life.
It was as if he jumped into a well and we all jumped in with him, now we were all trapped with him and WE ALL needed help to get out.
Addiction is life long, something I truly did not grasp when in the throes of that emergent situation. I never grasped that there would still be addiction after he was sober, that it would be something he would need to work on every single day of his life and for the rest of his life.
I think it was after relapse # 4 or 5 maybe even 6 that, that finally sunk in. Years and years I lived the life of sober/happy blissful living with the love of my life always followed by chaos and emergency situations.
I think many of us here do know the depth of her situation, the fears you have and the limited experience with it all. None of us think you are stupid, maybe naïve but we all were in the beginning.
I hope your therapist can help you reach a point where you realize you are down in that well and they can help you help yourself climb out without fear, obligation or guilt.
It was as if he jumped into a well and we all jumped in with him, now we were all trapped with him and WE ALL needed help to get out.
Addiction is life long, something I truly did not grasp when in the throes of that emergent situation. I never grasped that there would still be addiction after he was sober, that it would be something he would need to work on every single day of his life and for the rest of his life.
I think it was after relapse # 4 or 5 maybe even 6 that, that finally sunk in. Years and years I lived the life of sober/happy blissful living with the love of my life always followed by chaos and emergency situations.
I think many of us here do know the depth of her situation, the fears you have and the limited experience with it all. None of us think you are stupid, maybe naïve but we all were in the beginning.
I hope your therapist can help you reach a point where you realize you are down in that well and they can help you help yourself climb out without fear, obligation or guilt.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
sober/happy blissful living with the love of my life always followed by chaos and emergency situations.
And then BOOM! Another emergency, more drama, and we MUST drop everything no matter what the time, cost or distance because hey it's an EMERGENCY, damn it! He is sick, he's in trouble, he NEEDS ME, his family needs me, even if only for moral support. So what if I miss class, or work, or break other commitments. This is a CRISIS. Again.
Lather, rinse and repeat. Over and over and over.
Joel, I do not mean to make light of your pain so please don't take it that way. This was my thinking, too, when I was engaged to an addict. Nor do I have anything to add to everyone who shared their wisdom and experiences. I hope you find your way out of this awful cycle.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
Hi Joel, I've been reading your post from the start and I really relate to your feelings. You were me 6 years ago. Here is my story it may help you. I met my addict and he hid his addiction so well. I fell so deeply in love with him I truley believed he was the love of my life. Well a few months in the heroin addiction was admitted. Cue me coming to the rescue and taking him to NA meetings the lot. He dissapeared on me for 2 months with no explanation nothing. I was devavsted. He told me he loved me and the times we shared together we're so beautiful deep and meaningful. We would spend hours and hours on the phone talking and just being so in love. I couldn't understand why or how he could just leave me!! I contacted his mum and friends and they told me he was back with his ex. Well he had told me this woman was a control freak who wouldn't let him see his kids and brought him down,cheated, took all his confidence... I couldn't understand it! I was loving and loyal how could he? I felt sorry for him and I loved him unconditionally so as long as he was happy I was happy for him. I believed he must be so trapped in the abuse cycle with her he couldn't break free.
Fast forward 4 years of me never moving on from him. Being the constant support at the end of the phone through relapse after relapse, break up after breakup with the ex. I was convinced he just needed to have a proper life with me and he would be a changed person.
We finally got together properly and he detoxes off heroin and went on subutex. Life was amazing!! I was so happy so in love I knew this was meant to be. Until the first relapse, then the next, then the stealing, then more stealing and lies and on and on and I got sicker and sicker making every excuse under the sun for him. Tolerating his nasty behaviour saying the drugs makes him do it he loves me really. Holding on to all the good times praying they would return all the while he slid deeper and deeper into addiction (crack now too) on my wages.
Well I had his baby 9 weeks ago and kicked him out the house months ago after finally realising he is actually just a scumbag theif and a user. The person who took up my head for all those years.. Who I couldn't see past.. Who I would have done and did anything for.... Was shooting up herOin in our bathroom whilst out baby was in the next room.
I'm angry now Joel and that anger keeps me strong. I will no longer romanticise or wish back the person whom I THOUGHT I was with and accept that he was always this was way, he just hid it. I listened to all his promises time and time again supported him through every detox but the periods between clean time just got shorter and shorter.
It's a choice. They choice drugs and alcohol over us. Doesn't matter why. It's time to chose us over them.
Fast forward 4 years of me never moving on from him. Being the constant support at the end of the phone through relapse after relapse, break up after breakup with the ex. I was convinced he just needed to have a proper life with me and he would be a changed person.
We finally got together properly and he detoxes off heroin and went on subutex. Life was amazing!! I was so happy so in love I knew this was meant to be. Until the first relapse, then the next, then the stealing, then more stealing and lies and on and on and I got sicker and sicker making every excuse under the sun for him. Tolerating his nasty behaviour saying the drugs makes him do it he loves me really. Holding on to all the good times praying they would return all the while he slid deeper and deeper into addiction (crack now too) on my wages.
Well I had his baby 9 weeks ago and kicked him out the house months ago after finally realising he is actually just a scumbag theif and a user. The person who took up my head for all those years.. Who I couldn't see past.. Who I would have done and did anything for.... Was shooting up herOin in our bathroom whilst out baby was in the next room.
I'm angry now Joel and that anger keeps me strong. I will no longer romanticise or wish back the person whom I THOUGHT I was with and accept that he was always this was way, he just hid it. I listened to all his promises time and time again supported him through every detox but the periods between clean time just got shorter and shorter.
It's a choice. They choice drugs and alcohol over us. Doesn't matter why. It's time to chose us over them.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Embrace uncertainty, Joel. Sit with the uncomfortable feelings and work on yourself. Any path you choose, it'll lead back to you and strengthening yourself and looking inward. It's my humble opinion and experience.
I commend you on your courage to share yourself so openly on the forum. Continue to work through everything and post. This is a GEM of a thread with lots of wisdom and wonderful advice.
Sometimes, it's challenging to truly understand the words and experiences everyone's shared. It's a journey...and it takes time...and some times we have to go through the experience ourselves for everything to make sense.
I think everyone wants to make sure you don't find yourself down a deep hole that takes more time to get yourself out of. Those holes go deep...and the deeper they go...the more time it takes to get yourself out of it. It comes on slowly and quietly...and then one day you find yourself with a shovel in your hand...and look around to see no one else dug it for you except you. Then, the challenging work to get yourself out of it...and looking inward...and taking care of yourself. It comes back to you.
I commend you on your courage to share yourself so openly on the forum. Continue to work through everything and post. This is a GEM of a thread with lots of wisdom and wonderful advice.
Sometimes, it's challenging to truly understand the words and experiences everyone's shared. It's a journey...and it takes time...and some times we have to go through the experience ourselves for everything to make sense.
I think everyone wants to make sure you don't find yourself down a deep hole that takes more time to get yourself out of. Those holes go deep...and the deeper they go...the more time it takes to get yourself out of it. It comes on slowly and quietly...and then one day you find yourself with a shovel in your hand...and look around to see no one else dug it for you except you. Then, the challenging work to get yourself out of it...and looking inward...and taking care of yourself. It comes back to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by GoodguyJoel
The next step is to try to get her to that all women’s rehab facility nearby in town.
Mom would do better by taking that money and going on a cruise to a nice, warm beach. It will certainly have a better end result than throwing someone into rehab that doesn't give two craps about being there.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh Joel. I don't think you are stupid. I think you love with a big heart, and that you cannot move forward because you continue to hope for something that is not likely to happen, and to be the point of contact for a mom who is in a very bad place who should be with a therapist and Alanon.
It's hard for you to grasp, as it is for so many, that if they don't truly want recovery, they just won't recover. No one can make them do it. She only did this because she had no other option. I hope she embraces recovery, but I also doubt it. The best predictor of future behavior...is past behavior. Her past behavior in rehab has not been a successful one.
I wish you well. It's sad to me to hear people say how low they have gotten, and I know I have hit some major lows as well. Addiction, and the behaviors that come with it, are heart breaking.
Sending big hugs and lots of support your way.
It's hard for you to grasp, as it is for so many, that if they don't truly want recovery, they just won't recover. No one can make them do it. She only did this because she had no other option. I hope she embraces recovery, but I also doubt it. The best predictor of future behavior...is past behavior. Her past behavior in rehab has not been a successful one.
I wish you well. It's sad to me to hear people say how low they have gotten, and I know I have hit some major lows as well. Addiction, and the behaviors that come with it, are heart breaking.
Sending big hugs and lots of support your way.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by GoodguyJoel
I just thought I would be honest, feel free to comment.
Seems incredibly obvious to me, from my un-engaged, un-enabling point of view:
Her blood alcohol level was 0.57
I hope YOU see the severity of it Joel, not us. I hope YOU see how far this woman is willing to go and how many people she's willing to drag along with her. I hope you see all of you struggling in the water, trying to force a life jacket on her is doing nothing but drowning ALL of you.
I hope she finds her bottom before she finds death Joel, because that's just the worst kind of tragedy.... but none of you can love her enough. None of you even HAVE the thing she needs to make it right, the fix to find her way to healthy. Not. one. of. you. The faster you all grasp THAT, that faster you start actually helping her.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Missmac, I'm sorry that you went through this (not meaning to hijack your thread, Joel), your story sounds like mine. I just want to point out how similar all our stories are, because I frequently read stories that sound almost exactly like mine on SR and I feel validated somehow. My ex said that his mother and ex-wife abused him. Fast forward years later, after years of him lying to me and using me (and even stealing), I said I didn't want to have a relationship where drugs were being used anymore, and he now goes around saying that I was abusive. Some of our friends told me that his ex-wife left him because he was using drugs. Never trust anyone in deep addiction, they will throw you under a bus if that means they don't have to face reality. So Joel, it is likely that the things we are saying here, if you take your ex back (or continue to pursue her), will happen to you. And if you keep in touch with anyone in touch with your ex, you are going to keep hearing rubbish. Some of it will be true, but a lot of it will be rubbish.
Originally Posted by Missmac35
Hi Joel, I've been reading your post from the start and I really relate to your feelings. You were me 6 years ago. Here is my story it may help you. I met my addict and he hid his addiction so well. I fell so deeply in love with him I truley believed he was the love of my life. Well a few months in the heroin addiction was admitted. Cue me coming to the rescue and taking him to NA meetings the lot. He dissapeared on me for 2 months with no explanation nothing. I was devavsted. He told me he loved me and the times we shared together we're so beautiful deep and meaningful. We would spend hours and hours on the phone talking and just being so in love. I couldn't understand why or how he could just leave me!! I contacted his mum and friends and they told me he was back with his ex. Well he had told me this woman was a control freak who wouldn't let him see his kids and brought him down,cheated, took all his confidence... I couldn't understand it! I was loving and loyal how could he? I felt sorry for him and I loved him unconditionally so as long as he was happy I was happy for him. I believed he must be so trapped in the abuse cycle with her he couldn't break free.
Fast forward 4 years of me never moving on from him. Being the constant support at the end of the phone through relapse after relapse, break up after breakup with the ex. I was convinced he just needed to have a proper life with me and he would be a changed person.
We finally got together properly and he detoxes off heroin and went on subutex. Life was amazing!! I was so happy so in love I knew this was meant to be. Until the first relapse, then the next, then the stealing, then more stealing and lies and on and on and I got sicker and sicker making every excuse under the sun for him. Tolerating his nasty behaviour saying the drugs makes him do it he loves me really. Holding on to all the good times praying they would return all the while he slid deeper and deeper into addiction (crack now too) on my wages.
Well I had his baby 9 weeks ago and kicked him out the house months ago after finally realising he is actually just a scumbag theif and a user. The person who took up my head for all those years.. Who I couldn't see past.. Who I would have done and did anything for.... Was shooting up herOin in our bathroom whilst out baby was in the next room.
I'm angry now Joel and that anger keeps me strong. I will no longer romanticise or wish back the person whom I THOUGHT I was with and accept that he was always this was way, he just hid it. I listened to all his promises time and time again supported him through every detox but the periods between clean time just got shorter and shorter.
It's a choice. They choice drugs and alcohol over us. Doesn't matter why. It's time to chose us over them.
Fast forward 4 years of me never moving on from him. Being the constant support at the end of the phone through relapse after relapse, break up after breakup with the ex. I was convinced he just needed to have a proper life with me and he would be a changed person.
We finally got together properly and he detoxes off heroin and went on subutex. Life was amazing!! I was so happy so in love I knew this was meant to be. Until the first relapse, then the next, then the stealing, then more stealing and lies and on and on and I got sicker and sicker making every excuse under the sun for him. Tolerating his nasty behaviour saying the drugs makes him do it he loves me really. Holding on to all the good times praying they would return all the while he slid deeper and deeper into addiction (crack now too) on my wages.
Well I had his baby 9 weeks ago and kicked him out the house months ago after finally realising he is actually just a scumbag theif and a user. The person who took up my head for all those years.. Who I couldn't see past.. Who I would have done and did anything for.... Was shooting up herOin in our bathroom whilst out baby was in the next room.
I'm angry now Joel and that anger keeps me strong. I will no longer romanticise or wish back the person whom I THOUGHT I was with and accept that he was always this was way, he just hid it. I listened to all his promises time and time again supported him through every detox but the periods between clean time just got shorter and shorter.
It's a choice. They choice drugs and alcohol over us. Doesn't matter why. It's time to chose us over them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Missmac, I'm sorry that you went through this (not meaning to hijack your thread, Joel), your story sounds like mine. I just want to point out how similar all our stories are, because I frequently read stories that sound almost exactly like mine on SR and I feel validated somehow. My ex said that his mother and ex-wife abused him. Fast forward years later, after years of him lying to me and using me (and even stealing), I said I didn't want to have a relationship where drugs were being used anymore, and he now goes around saying that I was abusive. Some of our friends told me that his ex-wife left him because he was using drugs. Never trust anyone in deep addiction, they will throw you under a bus if that means they don't have to face reality. So Joel, it is likely that the things we are saying here, if you take your ex back (or continue to pursue her), will happen to you. And if you keep in touch with anyone in touch with your ex, you are going to keep hearing rubbish. Some of it will be true, but a lot of it will be rubbish.
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