HardLessons

"Regardless...i was swept into the hurricane"

Hurricanes 101 - if you choose to chase powerful unpredictable hurricanes there is a very high probability you will be swept up into the storm. You risk loss of life & ending up alone by the curb under a big pile of debris.

No need to ask me how I know this.

Thanks

OpheliaKatz

Wait... yada yada, slept with addict ex who doesn't really love me, yada yada... trophy wife? Wait... how is she a trophy? She's an addict, probably has STDs, shacked up with a guy who does drugs, takes advantage of people, doesn't work anymore, basically she chose to be a faildog -- that's her life, she likes being a faildog. HOW is she a trophy person? What an offensive term: trophy wife. I don't think the other guy wants an object for display, Joel. I think he wants a drug buddy that he can bone. A doll is equally as useful, only a doll isn't going to do drugs or drink with him. Sorry for being crude, but there are NO trophies in this case. No no no no. Unless she's a "trophy" you get for being a faildog, like a razzie in the movie industry.

Sorry dude, sorry you keep hanging on. It's really hard to read your posts, to be honest. Really hard. Cause I can see her treating you like total garbage *even if* she gets sober. I also think she's too selfish to get sober... but what do I know about her? She's not the one posting, you are. So... do something for you, okay? Or don't. I think sometimes life gives us exactly what we need so we can learn.

OpheliaKatz

Can confirm. Most people here are typing on their laptops from a pile of debris. I'm sitting on 10 years of toxic love detritus.

Also, what teatree said about the mother. If the ex said she had a problem with the mother, she DOES have a problem and you should stay away from the mother (if you really give a sh*t about your ex). Mother is toxic. No idea about your ex, but definitely toxic for you.

OpheliaKatz

You need to run from the hurricane if you don't want to be swept up in it.

redatlanta

Hmmmm.

I think if you could extricate yourself from your own obsession with this person and look at this situation unemotionally you would be appalled. Not by her behavior, by your own. You are intelligent, though IQ is not affiliated with doing what's right for US. I have many, many times not done what was right for me in dealing with my addict.

There are a couple basic things that perpetuate the alcoholic love triangle you have going here - first is denial (you). Lack of accountability (you). Denial again (you).

Are you aware that even the most egregious behavior your Ex has executed you have an excuse for? Wasn't ready for the rehab. Wasn't in right state of mind. Was in a fog. The SSRI's affected her. The BAC was so high it affected her hippocampus. She texted the other guy, but, not immediately after intimacy, she waited (as there is an appropriate amount of time that that was ok????) She cannot make decisions for herself, the Dr. said detox is necessary she is a threat to herself!

Here's my experience in a nutshell not only my personal own, but knowledge gathered over the past 5 years. Alcoholics and addicts have survival skills that are so astounding they could survive being dropped on the crest of Mt. Everest with no clothes, no tools, and no food. This person that you are dealing with is surviving to live the dream of another drink. That includes entering into detox, going to rehab, sleeping with you, sleeping with "him", begging Mama to figure it all out, and you, and whomever will join the party. You are neglecting to look at what you are all doing "really", based on "love" and your personal character to not turn a blind eye to human suffering.

I'm curious - if someone knocked on your door today, a stranger, and said "I'm homeless, can i move in"? Would you let them? You should, based on your statements of responsibility to saving the world one addict, or disaster at a time.

No one has ever achieved sobriety without the moment of clarity in which they understand they are powerless over their addiction, and they don't want to be that way anymore. BAM. That's what it takes - and you can fool yourself, as can her mom and whomever else is involved in this mess that you all can save her. You are ALL ignoring her actions, and you are ALL taking the accountability off of her for what she has done and dismissing it as "not able to help herself she is too drunk". Even to the point of putting her in an all woman facility to keep her from repeating the same groundhog day hookup with another man. You all are making that decision, SHE is not. She is going along with it because she is surviving - you really, really need to see that.

Addicts dial up whatever it takes and that can be one day telling you they don't want to have anything to do with you (red flag this means they currently as of that moment have a working plan and you aren't needed) to two days later calling you up, sleeping with you, and staying at your place (red flag, had no plan, out of booze, out of options, in need of booze, place to stay, and money). Im curious - it seems this person is unemployed, correct? How did she pay for those two (10) glasses of wine the day she "went for a walk"?

Of course no one here is going to support you going to coffee with her. There is nothing gained for you in reality that is positive. Its all negative.... We have tendency to believe the positive that is said, and ignore (rationalize) the negative. That is what you are doing. You believe her when she says you have a future. You don't believe her when she says you don't. You believe her when she says she wants help. When she checks out of rehab its because she is not mentally in the right place, so you don't believe its not really because she doesn't want help. You believe her when she sleeps with you that it means something, what does it mean when she does with others? She is incredibly manipulative as most addicts are.

You also need your own moment of clarity. No one, nobody on this planet has the ability to make us happy - happiness is found within ourselves Joel. Ironically when it comes to unhappiness the same rule doesn't hold true - the thing to do when someone is contributing to our unhappiness is to exit the building. The feelings and depression you are experiencing (which are very normal in a break up) are also in part due to allowing this person to treat you horribly excused by you (and you are) because she is "not in her right mind".

Keep posting. I know sometimes the feed back seems hard, but everyone here is just trying to get you to click a notch or two to the right. A lightbulb flicker. You will get it.

DesertEyes

Enough people. Repeating the same advice over and over and over is called harrasment. We have a large number of newbies who need attention, more on the way with the holidays, and you all are sitting here repeating yourselves again and again wasting everybody's time and writing posts that are bordering on offensive.

Go find a thread where you have actual experience to offer, instead of advice, and where there have been very few replies.

I am closing this thread.

Mike
Moderator, SR