Travissss

I'm the alcoholic in this situation. Since I have been sober things have seemingly gotten worse in my marriage. We had a talk about how to support each other through this process but that talk seemed to have been a waste of breath. Yes I've been moody. Kinda of isolated. I've opened up little by little, talking about how this is for me. She talked about how it has been hard for her. But she just seems to be "over it" now. Days of silence between us. Extreme tension. A lack of consideration for each others feelings. I'm at fault here too. I'm just not sure what to do. If I break the silence I feel it will be met with passive defiance unless I say something deep. Followed by a conversation about how this is my fault. Idk if I need to back off or what. That's usually how these things get worse in my situation so Idk. I really need some help making it through this with my wife. Thank you for reading.

CentralOhioDad

Welcome, Travis. How long have you been sober? What kind of program are you working?

Since my AW is still active, I have no experience with the 'sober side' of things.

Others will come along who have greater experience and wisdom than I, so I'll leave it to them.

Congratulations on your sobriety - keep it up.

COD

Travissss

I'm sober 58 days today. So not that long and I am involved in AA, working the steps.

CentralOhioDad

Congratulations on that accomplishment.

Let me just say this from 'the other side': my AW has 'promised' to stop/cut back, etc.etc. - MANY times. The drinking is still going on, the passing out is still going on. Over the years a great deal of: hurt, resentment, anger, frustration has built up. All these things took time to build up, coupled with (empty) promises of quitting. One of the biggest things that went away first, was trust. I don't trust that she can make a can of soup at this point, much less trust her to make hard decisions.

Most likely your wife has gone through these same emotions, and maybe more. She's not going to change overnight - she needs to recover as well. Will it happen? Maybe, maybe not. It could be that too much time and too much resentment (or whatever emotions/feelings) have built up, and she will never find that again with you. I just don't.

"If" my AW finally had the light switch flipped today (which I know won't happen) and stopped drinking and worked a program, it would take a LONG TIME for me to break down my own walls, and especially to trust again - and I'm not even sure I could at this point.

Again, this is just my story. Thanks for reading. I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you.

Keep going!

COD

Travissss

No that is all very helpful and I'm glad for you sharing your experiences. Our relationship is still quite young. Married one year in February, been together a total of two. Years in February as well.y drinking has only been a problem, for her any way for a year or so. I've always had a problem but the past two years I was drinking Alot less than before. I know she has also dealt with trusting me, and dealing with my empty promises. Unfortunately she marries an alcoholic. This is the longest I've been sober since I've known her. I just don't want my marriage to end because of a difficult time. I know we love each other. And again thank you.

OpheliaKatz

Nothing to add. Same story as CentralOhioDad. I don't trust my AH anymore. Too many lies. Years and years of broken promises. She needs time. While you were using, you could not be present to see how long she's been hurting. Making amends is a long hard journey. Stay the course and have faith.

Mango blast

Pray about it.

Prayer is a powerful action. So is Hope. It's okay to wait, to not do... just be. Be yourself. She's never known you without alcohol along for the ride, somewhere in the vicinity.

Looking directly at the problem -- or talking about it -- rarely solves it. Look for feel good things... uplifting music, any little thing that brings joy and laughter... for you, not her... her emotions aren't for you to "fix".

AA is for you. Your recovery is for you, not her.
Alanon is for her, if she's willing to go. Her recovery from this Family Disease of Alcoholism is up to her, not you.

When the house gets quiet and no one's talking, pray. When there is joy and laughter, pray. God/Universe/Great Spirit can transform life. Silence, irritations and having things jumbled up are often a normal part of the process, let these things come, let them go... start looking for little or big things to have joy in. Pain and joy can reside in the same space.

Prayer: Help!
Prayer: Thank you!
Prayer: Please give me eyes to see, ears to hear JOY in my life.
Prayer: Please give me strength to embrace the Illogical.

Recovery is counter-intuitive and illogical. So is life. Embrace that!

Mango blast

Btw - if you get happy and she gets mad, let it be. Respect that. She has emotions to work through in her own way, in her own time.

Do what you need to protect a healing space around you, and if that means stepping away for something new for yourself... meetings, shoot some hoops, something productive, creative and fun.. it's important to do that.

Travissss

Thank you for that. I feel really guilty trying to be happy when things are this way. Like I'm leaving her behind somehow. Most of this is because of my emotional state since quitting. But yes I can also belive there is a great deal of resentment and anger twords me. I've told her I'm open to listening if she needs to be angry with me or get out out or say whatever it is that's really hurting or has hurt her. I'm ready to be held accountable for my actions and to try. And fix. This. But yea I need prayer. I need to get a Bible today maybe. I may suggest she go to alanon. She had mentioned going or having thought about going in my first week of sobriety. Maybe I'll bring it up again. She isn't. Speaking to me(also my fault) but I know she will read the text. And thank you m

Mango blast

Get a bible if you feel inspired. Whatever, wherever you find inspiration. God/Higher Power/whatever name resonates with you at whatever time, can reach us through anything... a sign on a bus, a magazine ad, words in a commercial, words from other people.

Ask for guidance, ask ... for anything, except your own will... just ask and keep asking. God will show up, often in the most unexpected ways.

firebolt

Congrats on your sober time!!

My x never sobered up, but once I learned a little about alcoholism, my desires for him went from "just freaking stop drinking and be the person I want you to be" to "wholly cow, I need to work on myself, and I hope you do the same no matter what happens."

Can you just be honest and let her know that this is going to be a real struggle for you for a while and it has to be your priority. Because of that, you might not be able to support her all the ways she needs, and that sucks but if you can stay the course, you can grow to be able to. For those reasons, Alanon or counseling for her would be a way to supplement some support for herself while you work on getting yourself straight.

Hang in there - I know how things escalate, and how animosity and resentment can crush a relationship even if both people love eachother.

Keep moving forward!

Travissss

I have actually been spending some time away from home. I dread going home. Because of this. It's a crushing silence and tension between us. I've been to church some, with and without her, I've been going to these state funded classes to get my Ged twice a week, and I spend time at the library and bookstore just reading comic books and what not. I have a guitar but I'm not comftorble playing in front of anyone, so I choose the away from home activities. I think that is really bothering her also. My absence. I got a glance at a. Notebook she had been writing in, and it said as much. I also think that's why she's not talking shes just Journaling instead. But I think you are right. Despite this difficulty maybe I should just step back and focus on me and just be there for her in whatever capacity she will allow?

Nola0250

In a way it's kind of ironic, a bunch of codependents trying to advise an alcoholic on how to manage his spouse's hurt and anger over his drinking - but who else could do it? Who else would understand it all?

Congrats on your sober time, that's huge.

It's also still just the beginning.

Everyone is different, but right now I think she's probably dealing with a lot of anger over loss of trust with you and overwhelmed at the life challenges she's stepped into. She needs to figure out what SHE needs to move forward, and you may be a distraction to that, just as she may be a distraction to your own recovery.

Give her the space she needs to figure her own stuff out, but don't stop communicating. Speak to her openly and honestly about your goals and hopes, but make sure you don't make it all about you. It's easy to do on each side of this equation. I think pain does that to people.

For myself, I would not open up to my spouse about what I was thinking and feeling, once I realized the degree to which he used everything he knew about me to manipulate me into getting what he wanted or needed. We were many years more along than you two, so you have a much better chance of working your way through this thing.

But recognize that it's damn hard on both sides.

Mango blast

Sounds like you're making being at home all about her and what she's doing or not doing.

If you need space and time to yourself and want to move out, let her know. If there's emotional abuse going on with either of you, start learning about... how to not be emotionally abusive and how not to be a target.

Reading her journal without her inviting you to is an invasion of her space and privacy.

There are no wrong paths, just different ones. Pray. Ask for guidance.

Clover71

from the perspective of a wife who is living with an active alcoholic - I feel betrayed and have lost a lot of respect for him - I know those things don't come back overnight (for me probably never will do to other things I feel) . She is probably pondering whether she even wants this new life. I say that because I have asked myself whether I would want to live a life with a recovering alcoholic.

When I was a kid my dad went through rehab. I remember specifically being excited about him coming home sober and as a kid having certain expectations. Well, what we got for a long time was a "dry drunk. ". I apologize for the wording, but that is how I saw it. He was not happy and wasn't fun. Granted he wasn't when he was drinking either. She, like you, has a lot on her mind I'm sure.

Have you considered marriage counseling?

Travissss

I understand I invaded her privacy. This was during my first week of recovery and she just left it open and on the bed. I read one sentence. I just was concerned about Y she wouldn't speak to me. And I can really relate to where you're coming from about not wanting to be with a recovering alcoholic. Ive stated many times I wouldn't wanna be around someone like me. I just feel like whatever option I choose will have some negative outcome. Possibly positive as well. I just need to do something. Moving out is not really an option for me, I have some responsibilities with her kids and mine plus my income doesn't really allow it. If I moved out for a break she would probably end the marriage. Which could possibly happen anyway. I think what I'm gonna do is continue with my recovery process. Continue with staying busy, but not spending to much time away. I really need to let go of my expectations for her dealing with this. Maybe in time she will come around. There has been an off and on lack of communication because I don't wanna play the blame game with alcoholism but maybe I need to get over that as well.

Mango blast

Travisss,

It may seem complicated, yet it really is as simple as letting go and letting God. The blame, the negative feelings, the worry... those were my roadblocks and I couldn't move them. It's the same for all of us ... when I go to open AA meetings, I can relate. This is a family disease. It effects all of us.

So the answer isn't in all the crap we can't change... the answer is in BELIEVING that good things are possible for us, Right. Where. We. Are.

Pray. Hit another meeting. Buy some sidewalk chalk or colored paper and markers and tell your wife and the kids "Hi!" ... "Good morning! " "Have a beautiful day." in new ways with no pressure, no expectations.

A huge part of recovery is doing EVERYTHING differently. This opens up the heart and mind to new ways of seeing and experiencing life.

FireSprite

Hey Travis - congrats on your sobriety.

Maybe you'll get something out of these old threads?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6477173 (Is amends to a spouse even possible??)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6496546 (Feeling bitter)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ide-fence.html (What does it look like on the other side of the fence?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ther-side.html (If it is so great on the other side)

firebolt

I always had a sense of urgency to 'do something' too.

But, we DON'T have to do something this second. We don't have to make a decision this second.

THis is from an awesome daily reader called the Language of Letting go - and it is one of my favorite "passages" from the book. It helped me through so much of feeling like I need to fix things, make an immediate decision, and "do something NOW!"

Waiting

Wait. If the time is not right, the way is not clear, the answer or decision not consistent, wait.

We may feel a sense of urgency. We may want to resolve the issue by doing something - anything now, but that action is not in our best interest.

Living with confusion or unsolved problems is difficult. It is easier to resolve things. But making a decision too soon, doing something before it's time, means we may have to go back and redo it.

If the time is not right, wait. If the way is not clear, do not plunge forward. If the answer or decision feels muddy, wait.

In this new way of life, there is a Guiding Force. We do not ever have to move too soon or move out of harmony. Waiting is an action - a positive, forceful action.

Often, waiting is a God-guided action, one with as much power as a decision, and more power than an urgent, ill-timed decision.

We do not have to pressure ourselves by insisting that we do or know something before it's time. When it is time, we will know. We will move into that time naturally and harmoniously. We will have peace and consistency. We will feel empowered in a way we do not feel today.

Deal with the panic, the urgency, and the fear; do not let them control or dictate decisions.

Waiting isn't easy. It isn't fun. But waiting is often necessary to get what we want. It is not dead time; it is not downtime. The answer will come. The power will come. The time will come. And it will be right.

Today, I will wait, if waiting is the action I need in order to take care of myself. I will know that I am taking a positive, forceful action by waiting until the time is right. God, help me let go of my fear, urgency, and panic. Help me learn the art of waiting until the time is right. Help me learn timing.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation

dandylion

Travis....you may get some perspective from the following books on the early recovery period.....

You can get them pretty cheaply, on amazon.com...especially, if you get the used ones....

"Loving Someone in Recovery"
"Everything Changes"
"Living With Sobriety".....

I think it is a good idea for her to go to alanon.
LOl...you could go to your AA meeting, while she is in her alanon meeting, and maybe you could have a "date" afterward...?