Is amends to a spouse even possible??
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Rural PA
Posts: 1,021
Is amends to a spouse even possible??
I've been sober for a few months now. My wife and family know something is up. I never really told her I was done with it, as she has heard that a hundred times before. I knew I was done after I threw out some emotional garbage and made peace with some things.
Anyways, besides staying sober, is there anything to make amends? Anything you wish you would hear from an addicted spouse in recovery? I've said I was sorry so many times that I am afraid it won't mean anything.
I am very blessed. My wife stuck with me through it all. Granted, I was never violent, never got a DUI (Could've, though!!) and never was overly obnoxious in public. But I hurt them all emotionally. She had 101 reasons to take the children and leave.
So what do I do?
Anyways, besides staying sober, is there anything to make amends? Anything you wish you would hear from an addicted spouse in recovery? I've said I was sorry so many times that I am afraid it won't mean anything.
I am very blessed. My wife stuck with me through it all. Granted, I was never violent, never got a DUI (Could've, though!!) and never was overly obnoxious in public. But I hurt them all emotionally. She had 101 reasons to take the children and leave.
So what do I do?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I would tell her what you told us: "You stuck with me through it all. I hurt you all emotionally. You had 101 reasons to take the children and leave. I am very blessed," and then ask her what she needs from you.
She may not know right away, so give her time to think about it.
If it were me, I would like to feel heard and have my feelings about your active addiction and its repercussions on the family validated. But she may feel different. She may not be ready to address it all. Let her lead the way.
She may not know right away, so give her time to think about it.
If it were me, I would like to feel heard and have my feelings about your active addiction and its repercussions on the family validated. But she may feel different. She may not be ready to address it all. Let her lead the way.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If you're in AA, have you worked all the previous Steps? Do you have a sponsor? The "amends" are supposed to be undertaken with guidance. It's very easy to make things worse, rather than better--to cause someone more pain, rather than easing it--if you don't handle it the right way.
If you're not in AA and just want to make things right, I'd still suggest doing some reading about Step 9. There's a lot of good advice there. And yes, a lot of it involves listening to what the other person WANTS or NEEDS from you to feel whole.
If you're not in AA and just want to make things right, I'd still suggest doing some reading about Step 9. There's a lot of good advice there. And yes, a lot of it involves listening to what the other person WANTS or NEEDS from you to feel whole.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
There have been so many times I've needed to be heard by my husband. And that is coming from a very introverted person. But even I have such emotional trauma from all that he and I have been through that I just need to cry to him and hear him say he understands. I'm sorry still means something, and I personally believe he is sorry, I just don't think he knows quite the impact this has had on me.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
For me, when I imagine what an amends would sound like...I imagine sincerity...an acknowledgement of the harms that were caused...not a list but get at the core and give some acknowledgement and accountability would be such a relief! My qualifier always says "sorry for my part" or "sorry for my behavior it was so stupid" but if I call him on it, he can't actually say what he had done that was hurtful! And then days later he will take it back! But you are right she has heard it all before...so for me sincerity backed up with action.
I also agree with Lexi
I also agree with Lexi
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Your wife is the only one who really knows what she needs from you. She processed your drinking and the associated behaviors in her own way.
My husband has apologized to me and I know he is sincere.
He has thanked me for sticking by him, and for pushing him to seek treatment. Thanked me for being willing to do marriage counseling with him, and for forgiving him (not forgetting) the way he acted when under the influence.
But the most important thing for me is that he has been willing to openly talk to me about what he is going through. About things that have happened. He listens and asks how specific things made me feel. He asks what he can do to help me heal. What I need for me, (regardless of how that will affect him). For example we are not living together at the moment because I need time to process some things. He is patient and thoughtful. His remorse is shown in his actions, and his willingness to try and rebuild our marriage slowly. He has made up for the neglect of our marriage by trying to spend more time focusing on it.
One of the most important things I want for him is to find peace within himself. Healing just as you said you had found "by getting rid of emotional garbage and making peace with some things."
I want my husband to forgive himself for using drugs, for the past events which he cant change, and also for the things that he struggles with emotionally.
If I was your wife, I would want you to say something just like you did in your post. You sound sincere, concerned, and are showing that you have a willingness to meet her needs.
My husband has apologized to me and I know he is sincere.
He has thanked me for sticking by him, and for pushing him to seek treatment. Thanked me for being willing to do marriage counseling with him, and for forgiving him (not forgetting) the way he acted when under the influence.
But the most important thing for me is that he has been willing to openly talk to me about what he is going through. About things that have happened. He listens and asks how specific things made me feel. He asks what he can do to help me heal. What I need for me, (regardless of how that will affect him). For example we are not living together at the moment because I need time to process some things. He is patient and thoughtful. His remorse is shown in his actions, and his willingness to try and rebuild our marriage slowly. He has made up for the neglect of our marriage by trying to spend more time focusing on it.
One of the most important things I want for him is to find peace within himself. Healing just as you said you had found "by getting rid of emotional garbage and making peace with some things."
I want my husband to forgive himself for using drugs, for the past events which he cant change, and also for the things that he struggles with emotionally.
If I was your wife, I would want you to say something just like you did in your post. You sound sincere, concerned, and are showing that you have a willingness to meet her needs.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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saying," im sorry" is not making amends.
amends-compensate or make up for a wrongdoing; alter or modify;something done or given by a person to make up for a loss or injury he or she has caused .
amends are actions. even with change, that doesnt mean amends will be recognized or accepted right away. it can take lengthy time for change to be noticed or accepted, if it ever is.
amends-compensate or make up for a wrongdoing; alter or modify;something done or given by a person to make up for a loss or injury he or she has caused .
amends are actions. even with change, that doesnt mean amends will be recognized or accepted right away. it can take lengthy time for change to be noticed or accepted, if it ever is.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by tomsteve 
saying," im sorry" is not making amends.
amends-compensate or make up for a wrongdoing; alter or modify;something done or given by a person to make up for a loss or injury he or she has caused .
amends are actions. even with change, that doesnt mean amends will be recognized or accepted right away. it can take lengthy time for change to be noticed or accepted, if it ever is.
amends-compensate or make up for a wrongdoing; alter or modify;something done or given by a person to make up for a loss or injury he or she has caused .
amends are actions. even with change, that doesnt mean amends will be recognized or accepted right away. it can take lengthy time for change to be noticed or accepted, if it ever is.
Even when I heard the words I thought I wanted/needed to hear, it was a hollow experience compared to witnessing Living Amends like tomsteve describes.
The words didn't have any meaning until the actions had shown a new, lengthy pattern of improved behavior. I also needed him to truly understand the impact of his behavior on the rest of us - which was impossible until he was well established in his own recovery & no longer struggling so much with acceptance & accountability. He was really blind to the reality the rest of us experienced until he was way past early recovery - initially he struggled to understand my need for recovery at all; after all, these things were not happening now, so in his opinion I should be able to "drop it" & "get over it" & just blindly trust that things would be ok.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
ah said sorry so many times but would keep repeating, drinking, hurting, lies, then more sorry.
For me someone who uses fewer words and shows by action is making true amends.
Do you show up every day? Do you tell the truth even about the small stuff? Do you show you care?
To me more than ever it is the little things. Gas in the car. Help unload the groceries. Fixing things ...all without being asked is a marker of someone who wants an equal partnership. I fold laundry and cook and work and care for kids. Someone who is in it with me shows they are in it with me.... words are only as strong as what you do everyday not just when in trouble...or trying to make things better....time together can heal ...and showing up.
Of course roses never impressed me!
For me someone who uses fewer words and shows by action is making true amends.
Do you show up every day? Do you tell the truth even about the small stuff? Do you show you care?
To me more than ever it is the little things. Gas in the car. Help unload the groceries. Fixing things ...all without being asked is a marker of someone who wants an equal partnership. I fold laundry and cook and work and care for kids. Someone who is in it with me shows they are in it with me.... words are only as strong as what you do everyday not just when in trouble...or trying to make things better....time together can heal ...and showing up.
Of course roses never impressed me!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Steve, unsure if this helps, but these are thoughts and feelings on this.
The only words I ever want to hear from my addicted wife are:
'whatever it takes.'
She can keep the 'I'm sorry', and all the other promises, proclamations, attestations, whatever else she ever said to me. I just throw them on top of the heap of all the other worthless garbage she ever said to me about her addiction and the damage it's done.
'whatever it takes'.
And after those 3 words, I don't want to hear them again.
All I want is action. I don't want to hear her plans, intentions, etc. Means nothing without action anyway, so I've been ignoring all her words.
Addiction is intensively destructive problem and it will take an intensively constructive effort to deal with it.
That's what I would want to hear and see...
I hope and pray your marriage will make it. I really do...
The only words I ever want to hear from my addicted wife are:
'whatever it takes.'
She can keep the 'I'm sorry', and all the other promises, proclamations, attestations, whatever else she ever said to me. I just throw them on top of the heap of all the other worthless garbage she ever said to me about her addiction and the damage it's done.
'whatever it takes'.
And after those 3 words, I don't want to hear them again.
All I want is action. I don't want to hear her plans, intentions, etc. Means nothing without action anyway, so I've been ignoring all her words.
Addiction is intensively destructive problem and it will take an intensively constructive effort to deal with it.
That's what I would want to hear and see...
I hope and pray your marriage will make it. I really do...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
staying sober NO MATTER WHAT is imperative. walk the sober walk. be humble, gentle, grateful.
demonstrate that you HEAR her on things that matter to her. don't attempt to fill the void with a bunch of words or gifts. BE present.
demonstrate that you HEAR her on things that matter to her. don't attempt to fill the void with a bunch of words or gifts. BE present.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: the real world
Posts: 166
It's called a "Living Amends." 
There is absolutely nothing that my husband could ever say to me that will "make it right." I've prob'ly heard it many, many times already.
I know he loves me. I know he's torn up about things that have happened. But words alone can't fix this.
I really do still want to hear those things. [Hey, I'm a recovering alcoholic myself. We're not always 100% logical!] I do want to hear his plans/intentions. But I want consistent [dare I say constant at this point?] proof/evidence that backs up his statements. I want to see what he is doing different this time around - that he hasn't done in the past. For us that means him working an AA program. Meetings, a sponsor that he stays in regular contact with, phone calls/coffee with AA fellows. If all of that doesn't show an attitude change? He's not actually working on the problem.
This is not to say that there's nothing I can/need to do as well. But that's for your wife to ask about.
There is absolutely nothing that my husband could ever say to me that will "make it right." I've prob'ly heard it many, many times already.
I know he loves me. I know he's torn up about things that have happened. But words alone can't fix this.
I really do still want to hear those things. [Hey, I'm a recovering alcoholic myself. We're not always 100% logical!] I do want to hear his plans/intentions. But I want consistent [dare I say constant at this point?] proof/evidence that backs up his statements. I want to see what he is doing different this time around - that he hasn't done in the past. For us that means him working an AA program. Meetings, a sponsor that he stays in regular contact with, phone calls/coffee with AA fellows. If all of that doesn't show an attitude change? He's not actually working on the problem.
This is not to say that there's nothing I can/need to do as well. But that's for your wife to ask about.
Last edited by darkling; 05-30-2017 at 02:00 PM. Reason: typos make me insane ;)
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I would tell her what you told us: "You stuck with me through it all. I hurt you all emotionally. You had 101 reasons to take the children and leave. I am very blessed," and then ask her what she needs from you.
She may not know right away, so give her time to think about it.
If it were me, I would like to feel heard and have my feelings about your active addiction and its repercussions on the family validated. But she may feel different. She may not be ready to address it all. Let her lead the way.
She may not know right away, so give her time to think about it.
If it were me, I would like to feel heard and have my feelings about your active addiction and its repercussions on the family validated. But she may feel different. She may not be ready to address it all. Let her lead the way.
I honestly dream of the day that my ex would contact me and say something like that to me.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I wouldn't over-complicate it Steve. Obviously stay sober, but put some creativity into little considerate acts that help her through her day. And of course take responsibility for your half of family and home life. Chances are she carried a lot while you were checked out.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Living amends to me means showing up and getting involved in the household life, not throwing one's weight around but participating and being of service without a pricetag or demand or even request attached. Simple stuff such as; do the dishes, take out the trash, help with kid logistics without drama or expectation of thanks makes a big impression.
For my money that list is applicable to the codie in recovery as well.
For my money that list is applicable to the codie in recovery as well.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Schnappi, well said. You're so dead on with this:
'participating and being of service without a pricetag or demand or even request attached. Simple stuff such as; do the dishes, take out the trash, help with kid logistics without drama or expectation of thanks'.
That's the actions of a truly contrite heart.
'participating and being of service without a pricetag or demand or even request attached. Simple stuff such as; do the dishes, take out the trash, help with kid logistics without drama or expectation of thanks'.
That's the actions of a truly contrite heart.
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