TLC

Thank you Natalie13. It's so strange to me, while I am feeling like I'm going crazy with all this and then hear others tell their stories. Some are further down the road but are very familiar with my feelings as they were once there. They give hope, guidance and often strong words, sharing their knowledge lights the path that needs to be taken and they shine the light so well. And others like yourself. I hear your story and they could be my words. So much common ground we share, different people but such similar behavior of manipulation and desperation to keep their drug in play. It really shows the disease and how vast and deep it runs across so many. I'm sorry for what brings you here. It's a difficult road. I"m glad we all have each other. Thanks again. I hope peace in your heart
TLC

dandylion

TLC.....I think it helps if you can keep in mind that their brain is altered by the drug so that reality is altered. They are truly looking through a different filter...a drug altered filter.
For the loved one it may come down to "believing" one of two things....
Either believe what you KNOW....or...
Believe what another person with a drug altered perspective says.

TLC

Thank you Dandylion... your words have meant a lot and brought wonderful insight when I needed it..... Trying to digest this.....I think that when someone (the drug altered perspective) speaks and they aim "low" to hurt, using perhaps known vulnerabilities with seeming intent to harm. They know you, and they know how to hurt you, that pain can be felt deeply. If you are healthy, I think we are more capable of understanding where these words are coming from.
Now from a person "like myself" who has invested so much in caring, support etc (and the happiness or sense of peace is measured by those around you//codependent), its seems harder to maintain that perspective of the source of those words. Intellectually, I can see what you say, but in practical application its ever so challenging and the wounds seem like they just get more salt added.
I am realizing time and distance from him is the only way to heal those wounds. Looking forward to all of his "things" at my house are removed, then there is no reason to have anything more to do with him.
TLC

TLC

I have been swimming in emotions of sadness, wishing things were different, morning the nice guy that got swallowed up by alcohol, deeply hurt by his cruel abusive words etc.
I haven't spoken to him in nearly a week. Though he has sent a few cruel text messages which of course ripped my wounds open again.
As I spend time reading, maybe time distracted with other things, writing my feelings, reading posts on SR.
I always knew he had problems. But oh how I hoped he'd get help. But I am beginning to feel the degree of his mental illness, the con he had going, the betrayal, the games he has been playing, the endless lying just to get me to play along so he could get what he wanted. As much as I'd like to believe he loved me, I don't know that he could see past the bottle.
The emotions and sadness is starting to give way to anger. I am getting so angry with him. I am realizing how much time I have wasted on him. He manipulated me, betrayed me, lied to me, was abusive to me.
I think it was Atalose that said that nothing changes if you don't do anything different.
As much as I have fallen into his "soft times" and have allowed myself to get pulled back in. Every time I have done that, I have equally experienced great pain.
Right now I want as far from him as possible. As much as I have tried to "fix" or "support" things/him, it has gotten me no where. The only thing I haven't tried to absolutely no contact. I know there will be difficult times as I read so many stories where they had no contact only to soften and then get hurt again. I really want to stay the coarse. I am so angry with him and with me for allowing this in my life.
All this stays in my mind and heart nearly all the time. I look forward to a time that he doesn't come to mind at all and a time where I feel positive and hopeful about a healthy life for myself. And one day (after great healing) hopefully the possibility of a life shared with a healthy person.
Other than staying the coarse and continued reading, any thoughts on dealing with all this anger that is surfacing. I'm sure its just part of the process.....
TLC

TLC

Advice needed, please.
As I am closing the door on this relationship with A, I get an emotional call from his daughter (who has never called me, so interesting timing that she called just as I'm deciding not to be involved anymore...its a test). She was crying as she hadn't been able to reach her dad for several days and had missed calling for a significant event(not like him).
I didn't tell her that I didn't want to call him. But I told her I would see about having a neighbor check on him. (I didn't have their number). So I left them a generic message and another message to never mind as he just surfaced. I relayed the same message to his daughter. And thought I was done and didn't need to interact with him. Phew! Though I had allowed myself to get involved with his disease again. Frustrated.
The neighbor lady called me later that night, she and her husband are worried about his well being . She expressed a lot of concern for his health, he obviously has a problem, he is a heavy drinker, there were many concerning situations she didn't want to go into, he was always alone and his kids never visit, they felt he didn't have any support and could someone do an intervention?. She said that I was obviously really good for him and he is always at his happiest when I'm there. I told her I wasn't part of this anymore and his siblings and parents have opted for not speaking to him. I told her this was hard on me and that I had tried everything I could and need to remove myself for my health. She understood and supported that. I did tell her that if he knew I spoke with her about this, he would be verbally abusive towards me. (he is always accusing me of ruining his relationships) He told the neighbors that I didn't want to spend time with them because they drank and that I had left him for someone else. Fascinating how he lies to maintain addiction, taking no responsibility.
I have gotten text messages/phone calls from him (which I've not responded to) saying how he is sober, has been sober, is working the program successfully and I am the one that is holding us back because I am negative and don't believe him and all his great efforts to be sober. This obviously isn't true as he is drinking and in great denial. I obviously can not confront him on this. Anything I say would reinforce how suspicious I am to not believe him. I don't want to feel crazy anymore.

So, there are the cabin people concerned about his well being, his kids that are highly dysfunctional but do know he has a problem, his siblings that don't talk with him and a father who is recovering (in his 80's) and not emotionally strong and wants to remove himself from the situation and has advised me to do the same.

Do I just let it all fall where it may, which I am inclined to do? I have worked hard to walk away I am being challenged on this. Do I risk one more attempt (NOT to make a relationship with A), but to suggest to his dad an intervention? He is the only one that can afford it. His father struggles a lot in how to deal with his sons addiction and when I contact him I fear I appear like the crazy person A represents me to be.
Love to hear the thoughts. Do I just shut the door with no further thought? Do I call the dad with the information from the neighbor and suggest an intervention? Intervention, not to save the relationship but think it the only thing that may help him over the edge of denial as his family means everything to him..... ( I don't want to be part of an intervention, I think it would carry more weight if the family did it. I am the only one in the family that has tried to "help" him and think he would focus more on my enrollment than what they have to say)
Thanks for any thoughts on this.
TLC

dandylion

TLC.....I think the best thing, given what you have posted, is just to follow you inclinations to let it "fall where it may". Any action would just be a way to suck you back into the vortex.....

Ariesagain

Many people whose knowledge of alcoholics is based on what they see on television think that an intervention is the magic cure, after which the alcoholic will choose to seek help. Cue music.

They're just trying to help, as is his daughter, but their idea of "help" means assigning him to you.

You know better.

Stay strong and consider blocking him, yes? It will only escalate.

Sending you a hug.

BAW81

Recently, I was having extreme feelings watching my STBXAH continue to decline. I felt like I was watching him drown in the ocean while standing on the beach and everything in my body wanted to badly to save him or scream to those around him to help, HELP HIM! No else is doing anything which is hard for me to accept too.

I was reminded by my therapist that I wasn't able to help him when I was with him, despite everything I did to try....why did I think now it would be any different then it was before? The truth is that it wouldn't be any different.

It's hard to stay on dry land and watch, I'm not going to lie, it SUCKS but I've made the decision that I cannot help anymore because deep down, I know that if I swim out and try to help, I'm just going to go under with him...

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope you find the strength to refocus your energy on what you can be doing to help you be safe and be well.

Sasha1972

It sounds like you have been very clear with the people getting in touch with you that you have done everything you are willing to do for this person and you are finished. If others want to intervene to try to help him, they are free to do so. You are also free to say "no, this is no longer my problem".

In my limited experience, addicts end up spreading responsibility for their condition around everyone in their orbit, so you end up with lots of communication and back-and-forth about how is so-and-so doing and what can we do to help, and who can get through to him and talk to him and on and one. The only way to get out of this endless looping of concern for the addict is to say "no, I'm done, whatever happens will happen without me". If this were a helpless child, your responsibility would be different, but this is an adult, even if he doesn't act like one.

TLC

This absolutely sucks! I have not acted on anything and just waited to 1) here from all you who have so much valuable experience, and 2) to just wait to see how it sits with me to wait. The more I wait, the more certain I am to not do anything. I am powerless over this situation. Its these first steps away from him that feel daunting, one day at a time. thank you all so very much.

As Ariesagain states, it will only escalate to not respond (or I think was to block him). I haven't blocked him yet but am getting lots of messages, of which I haven't responded to. He is scary at times and I feel more afraid to not see whats coming (in the way of threats) than to be blind sided. Currently its only at the point he is insisting I respond, or he will call the police and have them check on me. He says he is worried and wants to know I'm ok. Which plays on my heart. I am wanting to stay the coarse (I am being tested here). shall I just tell him I'm ok? But If I respond even to say I'm ok,.... my fear is that I get pulled in, if only for the conversation.
This is so hard. I don't want to have to start this all over again. It's hard enough. Thanks to all !!!!!!
TLC

dandylion

TLC...one little thing that I have heard others say that they did....
It was to change the name that they may have on caller identification to something that keeps them focused on the reality.....
Like, maybe...."Not My Problem".......

TheHopeful

I used to feel this way about my boyfriend. I knew I couldn't do it anymore but at the same time, I was like "how can I just let go knowing that he might literally die?"

It's been a long road to acceptance, but I finally realised that it doesn't really matter whether I'm there for him or not. He was going to do what he was going to do. The only thing that would change if I was there is that I'm would be the one dealing with the aftermath of his poor decisions.

So when you look at it that way, maybe it makes a little more sense to let go and 'leave him to his fate.' Accepting that there's nothing you can do is the first and probably also hardest step.

So sorry you're dealing with this madness. The best advice I ever got here was to stop focusing on him (the alcoholic) and start focusing on myself. Sounds simple but it was a revelation to me.

Sending you strength for the days ahead, I hope you can take that step for yourself and put your own health and happiness first. Keep coming here too, because there are some smart and lovely people here.

TLC

I find myself detaching. Oh sure, there are still moments when great feelings surface. But actually anger is being more center stage these day.
You see, he can go from very funny, nice, caring etc to absolutely crazed, violent and rageful person who frightens me. He is the whole person and not just the nice side.
Due to not responding to him (which I do not regret), he escalated to the point that he called the police on me and potentially affected my work/income/livelihood ("out of love and concern for me"). I was livid and told him off. Of course he retaliated with aggressive words etc...
Then I thought of step 1 and step 2, the serenity prayer and my center started to feel glimpses of calm.. just glimpses, but thats all I needed. I realized that while I am powerless over alcohol, him, his reaction etc, I can be who I want to be, I knew if I kept up showing him my anger, I would only get escalated anger from him (and believe me, he doesn't have an end to how angry he can get,,it just keeps escalating). So I decided when he texted me next, that I wanted to give us peace by us both letting go of the relationship and the easiest path was to not talk or see each other. I got, "ok".
This is my end, not in being angry, just to say lets have peace by not talking. Oh sure, he'll be back at some point with anger or whatever. For today I have peace, I plan to keep learning about step 1 and 2 for now and have that my focus instead of him. When the day comes that he contacts me, I plan to not respond... And I do like the suggestion by Dandylion and will change his name to "not my problem" in the phone contacts.
What a journey, this has been so hard and gut wrenching. Hearing the stories of others that sound so similar to mine, helps me know I'm not alone and crazy, that this is a terrible disease and unfortunately reflected in far too many people. The heartache we share is sad in deed, but I am so grateful for this forum and all of you that share your journey so we don't feel so alone, you are like lights that show the way.

dandylion

TLC....I like it that you "know" how to manage the situation in order to keep you safe from his abuse..verbal and/or otherwise. That is so critical.
I think you are doing a good job in a situation that we all know is painful, beyond words.
You will get stronger and stronger, as you go along....

BAW81

Good for you, TLC!!!

TLC

Thank you so much for all your support and willingness to share your wisdom.

atalose

If you block him from contacting you, you can also have peace tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. As they say, the ball is now in your court, you chose to either pick it up and continue playing this emotionally abusive game with him next time he feels like it or take control and just block him.

TLC

Blocked the phone. Because I run a business, there are many ways he could contact me if he wanted to.
I've liked the peace and hope comes back to my heart, I'm starting to feel more like myself instead of the crazy person that I felt like in his world.
Why a I so surprised he let go so easy? Do I want him back? Absolutely not! We've known each other for a long time. Maybe he has someone else? Maybe he was as ready to leave the relationship as I was? I'll never really know, but it has surprised me. I did expect some drunk outbursts of threats "like always" but no.... just absolute quiet. Part of me sits in wait of a shoe to drop. Part of me honestly is a bit disappointed that I didn't mean more to him. Please don't take my confusion and /or curiosity about this phase with regret or that I'm leaving a crack open in the door. I do not want that relationship back for anything, its been too destructive to me. But after 6 plus years to just quiet, its weird.
Thoughts?

dandylion

Naturally, it is going to feel weird for a while. Anything that we are used to in our daily lives feels weird when it is, suddenly, gone.....
We even miss our enemies, after we get used to them...
What is weird, today, will become the new normal in the future.....

FeelingGreat

Allow yourself to accept it TLC. Maybe just simply stating you should both move on finally got to him.

Turn your focus on to your own life now.