Guidance needed to let go, where do I begin?
 

My boyfriend has been a highly functional though active alcoholic.. Though (from my perspective), he's sinking fast. All attempts for recovery have been short lived and any emotional challenge drives him quickly back into the bottle and what I call an alcohol storm. He gets very nasty and relentless with his outbursts of cruelty (voicemails, texting, in person etc).

He is in the midst of another alcohol storm, this one seems different in that I haven't heard from him in over a day. I know for many that's not very long, but this man vents his aggression on the phone /texting.

I have been calling him out on his drinking again, of which he denies and I so do think he's done listening to me and this time he has moved on. This could be why I haven't heard from him. (though we've been together for nearly 7 years).

He has gone total off grid, no word from him for over 24 hours. He's not on Facebook (which he is on at least every hour daily) and does not answer the phone. Last time this happened (one year ago) he ended up in the ER with internal bleeding (which of course "is not from drinking").

I can not be part of this chaotic, craziness any more. I have to rediscover peace for myself. To let go and detach from this insanity that is addition and learn about codependence. But I worry about him so much. It feels obsessive.

My question is........How does one let go and move on when he could be laying there unconscious and bleeding again. I know I need to get out of his way and let him lead his life how he will. I know I need to let him hit his own bottom.

I need to go my own way without him. I feel the adrenaline pumping and my heart is pounding. How do I stop worrying? Do I let him meet his fate even if he doesn't make it? Does one really walk away completely?

Can anyone tell me where do I start? Especially when he is literally drinking himself under. Do I really totally let go? Am I addicted to this adrenaline I feel, even though I dislike it so very much?

Feeling lost in this tornadic atmosphere.....

T

Hi I think you need to post in friends and family of alcoholics, they could offer you advice good luck

thank you.

Hi TLS

I am in my own difficult process of letting go. My story is posted in F&F substance abusers

Do yourself a favor & start reading as much as you can concerning alcoholics & codependency. Knowledge will help you to understand. What you are dealing with. Unfortunately the realities are harsh

You came to a wonderful forum. You will get very informed advice

I'm very sorry for what brings you here. It's all a very difficult road. I'm going through it now

I wish you all the best

Do you want to go under with him? Do you want to continue to hold on to him while he pulls you under?

I often think we mirror the alcoholic.........he won't let go of the bottle and you won't let go of the alcoholic. He doesn't want to stop drinking and you don't want to stop this toxic relationship.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, he'll turn up again, you'll go back and start the cycle all over again until you take the necessary steps to close out this chapter of your life .

Why not check out al-anon, maybe even seek some counseling to help you give up your addiction to him and his addiction. And keep posting here. For many of us it took us a while to work our way through the FOG (fear,obligation,guilt) before we were able to finally leave so you are not alone, we understand.

Mummyto2, this is the friends and family of alcoholics is it not?

Yes it is. This thread is fine as is, no need to move anything.

Mike :)
Moderator, SR

tis19.......If I were concerned about someone who might be critically ill and alone, I would call the police and ask them to do a wellness check. If he requires it, they will summon the necessary help.

It doesn't sound like he js ready to quit drinking. If he isn't ready to quit, then, he won't....and, you can't make him.
Your option, at this point is either to save yourself, or allow him to drag you down, with him.
That is just the bare reality of it.....
This could go on for years and years....if his body does hold out.....
Alcoholism is progressive...it just gets worse over time,....

I encourage you to hang around and keep reading and learning from others who have been in your same situation....
Begin with the stickies that are posted just above the threads, on this forum...on the front page....
And, read the thousands of other real life stories,on here.....

Thank you to all who posted! I appreciate the opportunity to learn and express in such times as these.

I am otherwise a fairly rational person. But I got so caught up with the insanity of it all, the anxiety about his safety, that I couldn't see anything. I felt like I got sucked into a vortex that wouldn't let go. As if I was chasing him inside a tornado, trying to save him only to find out he was somewhere else. He has gone through this before and ended in the hospital nearly dead. I just couldn't let go. I couldn't see clearly. I was as stated by "Atalose" being taken under. I don't want to go under!!!!!! This idea frightens me.

This time he was fine..... I was so shaken by the fear, and the helplessness. All that energy spent! The chaos of it all, shook me so much that I saw outside myself looking in. I don't want to be this person, so irrational and panicked. His world of alcoholism/abuse/anger/kind/peaceful/volitility.... is so far from anything I ever known.

So,I picked up the book "Codependent no more". I will keep reading. I am starting Al Anon.

Those that have commented, I really appreciate and no not too harsh. I think its the reality that exists and hearing this from others validates what I am reading....... I need to hear them.

I do not want to go under with him. I do not want to be as addicted to him as he is to alcohol. Thanks "Atalose" I will make a change, because in my world before this "deep pit", I know what you say is true about wanting something to be different, there needs to be a change. I have been waiting for him to make a change, but I'm learning its me that needs to make a change.

I did tell him today that I can't see him anymore and I want something healthier. And yes, he has already come back and is trying to negotiate a "new start" , on his terms..... seriously? He will undoubtedly, bring out his charm.... and I know there will be weak moments... I absolutely have to stay connected to groups like this......

I have much to learn.......

There will not be any weak moments if you block him from contacting you, do not open your front door should he appear and take a stand for yourself here.

Look at it as if you are fighting a war against addiction and by allow addiction into your life via phone, text or over coffee, you allow it to infiltrate your peaceful safe personal space. Addiction takes prisoners do not become one!

Thanks Atalose.....
I know what you say is true and the best thing for me. Why does it frighten me to block him? It's amazing the emotions that pass through me. One moment I am clear and feel strong, the next is frightened to let go.

I let him know I need healthier in my life.

This morning, he is all remorseful and full of promises. I understand that promises don't work. I know that something needs to change and that change has to be me. I know all these things in my head. Then I hear his voice, the voice of what I perceive as the good part of him. Please stand by me. Don't leave me. I'll make it this time. I know I've hurt you. Of course all the things that play at my heart. And my heart hurts.

You are right, I need to block him...... Having a hard to doing it.

But if I'm honest, totally honest, there is a part of me that hopes he'll recover..if not today but someday and we can have all we hoped for.

The idea that its like fighting a war and it takes no prisoners. I do want my peace back. I read so much about how I should run for the hills (I'm paraphrasing) and that he'll never change. To save myself I know I need this focus. But is there ever a time where they can be trusted again? Do they ever really recover?
Thanks

You would be cruel indeed if you did not hope he recovered.

But hope is not a plan. And promises are just words. It's actions that count.

Some people recover. Some don't. Probably more don't than do. You don't have any way of knowing what will happen. The best you can do it take care of yourself and not count on someone else changing the way you wish they would in order for you to be happy.

Maybe because blocking him truly means you have ended this relationship and that probably scares you. There is always that little flicker of “hope” that they are going to change into the person we know they can be and remain that person all the time 24/7 and you want to there when that miracle happens.

But like Sparklekitty said, hope is not a plan.

Now let’s break down his words and there true meaning.

Full of promises = how many of those promise have you already head? When someone says they are sorry for something but then does the same thing again, they are not sorry at all. They use that word to manipulate you.

Please stand by me = I’m going to equally place my burden of my drinking issue on your shoulders as well so that when I fail again I can also blame you. If you stay and support him and he fails again at recovery he will make that your fault and if you do leave him and he continues to drink he will blame the drinking on you leaving him.

You have not mentioned how long you have been with him but it seems long enough where you have witnessed a number of attempts of him getting sober. So what is different this time? Why do you still believe his words other than having hope that this time he really means it, much like the last time he meant it and the time before that, right?

How about needing and giving space to each other so that each of you can go work on your own issues independent of each other or a relationship. Time will reveal if he’s serious about recovery or just playing the alcoholic hostage game with you.

Can you stop him from drinking? I mean physically prevent him from consuming alcohol? My guess is you can't. Let go of whatever guilt you may be feeling. It simply isn't your fault or your responsibility. It's his.

Wow, you are all so good at this. Seeing through it and calling it as you see it. It feels harsh sometimes, but I deeply appreciate the directness. With directness, it gets to the issue and the quicker there, hopefully the healing gets underway.

I have been with him for nearly 7 years. Met him in high school, each married someone else and had our families. Both now divorced and many many years later met up and started to date. He was a refreshing change at first. There were many red flags but easily provided excuses for, as his x was mentally ill (mutual friends confirmed). It wasn't until he moved in that the issues became more difficult to hide and the anger increased as did the volatility. He can be the sweetest guy ever and then turn on a dime and call me names for hours, cruelty that I never knew anyone was truly capable of. He has taken every vulnerability of mine and used as a weapon. (I read this and wonder why I have stayed at all, if I was reading this I would wonder why this lady is so crazy to stay)

He is relationship dependent, doesn't like to be without a partner. He has cheated and it was devastating to me. Never thought I could get passed this and honestly really haven't.
Okay, now this will sound extra crazy.( If I don't say it, I'll just remain in denial myself so here goes.).......I blame the drinking on things and somehow have it in my mind that without the drinking he will be different. He has anger issues to resolve as well. If he stays drinking, I can't trust him and don't know if he'll cheat again and all other verbal abuse and misery. If I leave him, , he'll surely find someone else that will be with him. When I came into his life, his last girlfriend had kicked him out and months later I found lots of abusive texting to her. I fear the pain of retaliation and throwing other woman in my face. Or maybe this time he'll make it, tired of losing relationships over this, finally wake up and I'll perhaps feel like I did all this work by staying and just didn't hang in long enough... Ok, there I said it.

I really am trying to get over this. This is why I'm baring it all to this forum. I know I need guidance. I've spent too much time dealing with this, trying to make of this, trying to fix this. I truly don't want this anymore.... just having such a challenge getting over this hurdle and truly letting go. Thanks for your words !!!!!

Your story sounds much like mine. Get out while you can. Save yourself you can't save him. I have been doing this for over 3 years and it has only gotten worse. It has cost me my sanity, money, and relationships with friends and family as well as hurt my physical health. Listen to the wise people here. It will save you a lot of heartache.

Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. You can do this!

Hi TLS

You recently posted on my story thread over in F&F substance abusers. You said you read my story

I'm going through all this now. You have a lot of the same feelings I do. I know our stories are different but the one big common element is addiction

For me the hurt of continuing the relationship especially over the past 6 months became greater than the hurt of ending it. Both are bad hurts. The hurt of staying is never ending. The hurt of leaving does have an end date sometime in the future. I'm not sure yet when that will be. This is a difficult road

When I left the relationship several weeks ago now. I did not have the strength to block her. I was given the advice to block her by many of the same people who are advising you now. I couldn't follow that advise

If you read my thread you saw that I paid a heavy price for not blocking her. That was two weeks ago today. I've had a few anxiety episodes just today over it. Felt like my head was going to pop

She's blocked now. I don't say that with any pride. It's sad to me. But has to be for my own sanity

All these fine people know what they are talking about. You also know somewhere deep inside you they are right

Please understand if you make your very difficult decision to leave & block him. You can run here to SR as often as you need. for help during the dark hard times. I run here constantly for my support

Im just pointing myself out as an example for you to think about. I'm not trying to tell you what to do

I feel for you. I understand what you are experiencing To me honestly. This all just sucks big time. It unfortunately boils down to what is going to suck less & for how long.

I'm sorry TLS for what you are going through

Thanks

I had a hard day yesterday as I travel through the emotions of letting go. I have been leading up to letting of this relationship, realizing its not good for me. But found myself suddenly at a wall of having enough. Not anything I hadn't gone through before but for some reason my reaction was so much bigger as I spun in anxiety of worry about his safety and to find out it was only in my head. I felt I had gone crazy.
I oscillate in remembering the good time. Hearing myself tell of the bad time. I know this s a one way journey if I want my sanity back. He sent a text (no haven't blocked him yet) as he goes away to the cabin that I found for us and says he wishes me a great weekend and says "Don't live under a dark cloud. Bust free of your ruminations. Be happy"
Thing is, I do ruminate and I hate it. Why does one ruminate? Feels to me that its when things happen that aren't resolved and perhaps continue to play out presenting as an ongoing threat. Maybe there is something wrong with me that I don't like things go. He presents like he's together, not drinking, enjoying the cabin and I'm the troubled one that is dragging herself down by being depressed, ruminating and unwilling to be happy. And this is actually true, he is out having "fun" and I am at home weighted by all this drama. I hate how this man gets me feeling like I'm nuts.

AT least the following is true. I haven't gone back to me. I booked a week away to see a girlfriend out of state.

Question, is ruminating normal and will it stop?

I have a tendency to ruminate. I did it when I was in crisis mode when the sh!t was hitting the fan with my ex, and I did it when my crisis mode subsided somewhat and I actually had time and mental space to process things.

In my experience, there are 4 things that are helping me to not ruminate as much:

1 - THERAPY. I cannot stress this enough - my weekly sessions give me so much strength and clarity.

2 - Mindfulness meditation - I ran across a podcast with Dan Harris as a guest - it is on Her Rules Radio titled "Meditation for Skeptics." It was life-changing for me. I immediately bought Harris's book called 10 Percent Happier. I highly recommend listening to the podcast and reading the book.

3 - Time - as I have been building my own new life and time has gone by, I find that I tend to not ruminate QUITE as much. I still find that thoughts about my ex, his substance abuse, and his affair take up more real estate in my head than I'd like them too sometimes though.

4 - Awareness and redirection - one of the first things that I worked on in therapy was awareness. When we're in survival mode, as in when living with an active addict, our awareness can get stifled because we're just trying to get through the day. As my awareness has increased, I am now often able to redirect my thoughts when I start to ruminate. Sometimes I'll catch myself ruminating, and I'll start to recite the calculations for red blood cell indices in my head (I'm in a medical lab tech program) or just make an intentional effort to think about something else, like something I have gratitude for, making a mental grocery list or meal plan, etc.

You seem to be very insightful, and that can work in your favor with the right tools and support. Keep reading and posting!

Hi TLS

Again I am only speaking from what I have experienced.

Are all your current feelings normal? Certainly not given a normal relationship. But you are feeling the way you are because you are not in a normal relationship. When you are with him are you feeling healthy happy fulfilled confident? Probably no because you are in a relationship with an alcoholic. That's why you came to SR.

Because we have been in a relationship with an addict our brains aren't functioning normal. We have gotten used to confusion & chaos. I haven't felt good in years now - with her & without her.

I am feeling all the emotions you are. Given your circumstance the way you feel is typical & normal. Its a process you have to go through.

Are the addicts going to go off & have fun - yes. Why - because they are in denial - there is nothing wrong with them - its you & me that have the problem.

Its not easy to do, I am working on it now, but the focus has to come off them & their crazy lifestyle & be placed on you. You have to do it for you. So that you don't remain sick & go down the tubes with him.

Do I want to be with her, talk to her, see her yes! But I know I cant. I cant because it was dragging me down & making me sick on the inside. Sick! I knew I had to stop. I gave her my time, energy, love, caring, emotions, & tons of money - enough to change her entire life. Did that work - no. Why because I couldn't change her. She's an active addict living an addict lifestyle. She's completely in denial.

I hope what I said above somehow helps you.

Take care