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Final Decree/ Divorce

Old 04-22-2017, 03:04 AM
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Zircon, I have nothing to offer but my most sincere wishes for you to find the strength and patience to get through this. It sure does seem unfair, and in your shoes, I'd be going crazy too. Someone on SR here has a signature line that says "When you're going through hell, don't stop--keep going!"

Here is the full version, attributed to a Christian Science editor, in hopes you might find some help:

Someone once asked a man how he was. He replied, “I’m going through hell!” Said his friend: “Well, keep on going. That is no place to stop!” If you seem to be going through the deep waters of physical anguish and cannot for the moment seem to gain the understanding which binds the strong man, keep on going—keep on clinging to Truth, and hear again the comforting, strengthening message, “My grace is sufficient for thee.” God, divine Love, is eternally sustaining His child, and will “bind the power of pain” as surely as the summer sun will melt the stubborn frost.
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Old 04-22-2017, 03:56 AM
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It's not surprising you feel downhearted at how this is dragging on - I sincerely hope things turn in your favour soon.
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Old 04-22-2017, 07:04 AM
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Hi All,
Not sure what I'm feeling right now! Trying to continue to have faith in people, and the justice system.
I didn't think this was going to be so difficult.
The judge awarded him the whole kubota tractor we bought together. It's worth about 10,000. I actually paid for it when we bought it.
Also she is expecting me to pay the 868.00 we owe because my AH made a mistake on the taxes and didn't dispute it, just paid his half.
I think the judge thought we wanted the whole kubota, not half the value.
I am very grateful for getting half the equity in our home, but not having to wait. But as everyone says the time will pass quickly!
The judge gave him our business.
I guess I need to look at this as a victory, even though there are no winners when your dealing with this disease, only incredible pain and heartache!
I spoke with my lawyer yesterday. He is going to file a motion regarding the:
1.) kubota: stating we only requested 1/2 the value, since I bought it not the whole thing.
2.)The taxes owed: Inform the judge that I was never given the choice of whether to dispute the amount owed. There was no communication from my AH except 2 pages of a 7 page letter sent to him from the IRS, 1 week before the money was due. It never indicated what he had done. We sent a communication to his lawyer that we felt we didn't owe the money. We only found out in court that my AH paid 1/2 the taxes owed and now wants me to pay the other 1/2, even though we don't owe it
3.)The judge had 2 different orders about his IRA accounts. In one place she awards me 1/2 of his IRA account. In another place she awards me 1/2 the growth for the duration of our marriage. My lawyer is questioning that. He feels that an IRA is not a pension plan but a savings account so I should be getting 1/2.
4.) the other issue is the gun collection was never mentioned. It should be spilt 1/2. It has considerable worth. When the police took everything from the house, they said to me all this stuff is worth well over 30,000.
I hope the judge doesn't thing I'm being ungrateful for what she's already decided on, but every penny is important to me
My lawyer said he'll submit theses requests to her. We won't have to go to court again, unless their is something she really needs discussed. Once we get all this settled, once my AH and I sign the decree, it'll be 30 days and the divorce will be final.
Of course I'm sure my AH lawyer will be submitting motions herself too. My AH didn't want to give me any of the house or his IRA, so we'll have to see what happens there.
Most of the stuff we're asking for are clarifications of the IRA order, and being sure the judge understood the situation with the taxes and kubota.
Feeling so drained and like I've been hit by a truck!!
Z
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Old 04-22-2017, 08:43 AM
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I know how hard it is to process all this stuff. You ARE getting quite a bit that he wasn't willing to compromise on, so as upsetting as it is to have to wait some more to see your money, you will see a lot more than he was willing to share. I don't think anyone ever feels the division of property is "fair." Nothing about alcoholism or having to go through all this is fair.

This is a super lame analogy, but I'm living in a house that I bought in 2006. Only three years after I bought it, I discovered huge cracks in the foundation that weren't there when I bought it. I believed they happened due to the failure of my homeowners' association to maintain a collapsing retaining wall behind my house. I hired a lawyer and engineers, and after YEARS and tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and other expenses, I wound up with a tiny settlement that covers only a fraction of the legal fees I paid out. And I'm stuck, still, with a house worth roughly 1/3 of the price that I paid (and am still paying--house is still worth about half of the unpaid balance of my mortgage). And I can't sell it the way it is, obviously. So I've spent the last couple of years saving up almost enough money to have the repairs done (I'll still have to take out a sizable loan). I just made arrangements to have the plans for the repair drawn up and put out for bid.

None of this was FAIR. I'd had an inspection before I bought it, and everything was great. None of the damage is covered by insurance, because it's considered "earth movement." Despite the best efforts of a good lawyer we didn't have sufficient evidence to prove the retaining wall was the cause of the damage--it appears the house was built on bad soil, and too much time has gone by to sue the builders. So it's like an act of God. One not covered by insurance. I just have to eat it. Not fair at all. But the point is, when something unfair like that happens, there are two choices. One is to focus on the unfairness, and the other is to give the unfairness a rueful shake of the head and figure out a way to deal.

You're sounding much, much better. You WILL find a way to deal. Have you thought about whether there's any kind of work you can do to supplement your income? I know you have health problems, but is there something maybe you could do that has flexible hours so you can work when you feel up to it?
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Old 04-22-2017, 09:31 AM
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Hi,
I'm a nurse. Have been for the last 30 years. I worked for 6 years after my brain hemorrhage. For me it resulted in blindness in my R eye, weakness and lots of strange feelings on my R side. For what I'm told I'm pretty lucky to be here. As a nurse, it was hard for me to accept I couldn't fix me! LOL. Thank goodness my cognitive function wasn't effected, accept for the normal getting old stuff! During this time of working, I also so taking care of my MIL, with dementia with some psychosis! She was a 24/7 care. This took a huge toll on my medical issues! Then, I had my mom in failing health, being the nurse I was also helping with her care!
She passed away in 2015. Then I guess put the added stress of watching my AH verbally abuse his mother. Saying things a son should never say to his mother. There was no support from his sister to take the mother, she blankly refused to help when my mom passed away, and in my professional opinion, it was no longer safe for my MIL to be living with us, she required care I couldn't provide in the home.
I came home one day and my MIL was gone. My AH had left her on his sisters front porch! To make a long story, less long, his sister put her in a nursing home the day before Christmas because she had plans! Broke my heart!
After all this chaos, my MD told me this had taken quite a toll on my body and suggested I apply for disability. I'm a stubborn woman, and didn't want to admit I was so broken!
I finally broke down and applied, and was approved 3months later.
Little did I realize there would be so many more changes in my life!!
All of these changes have been difficult, I was a workaholic, and most of my identity as a woman and a person is wrapped around my nursing career! Loosing my mother was very hard, but I never had time to grieve. I was dealing with my MIL and my abusive AH.
Too many huge changes for one person!!
This past year has given me the time to accept the changes I can't do anything about.
I guess, I'm a fighter, but need to learn to trust the judicial system, and most of all accept the fact that I did the best I could in all the situations I was faced with!
I hope someday, I will be able to help someone else the way this forum has helped me!

Thank you,
Zircon
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Old 04-22-2017, 10:12 AM
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You certainly HAVE been a fighter! When the dust settles, maybe you could consult with a disability attorney to figure out whether it would make sense to try to do something that doesn't require a lot of physical work and that you could do at your own pace. Sounds like you have a lot of expertise you've developed in elder care. Consulting and writing are two things that might potentially be doable, and there's a lot of demand for content and information on stuff like that as our parents age.

This can be an opportunity to figure out a direction to go. I'm about the same age as you are (61 this summer), and even though I sometimes wish I had more time to do what I want, my job provides some very necessary structure and purpose to my days.
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Old 04-22-2017, 10:43 AM
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Hi,
I would definitely like to continue doing something in the nursing field!
My life has been so chaotic over the last 2 years, it would gave been unfair on my part to make a commitment to any kind of project!
As soon as the dust settles, I'm thinking of looking into teaching a class maybe, I've been published before in the field of children and adults with developmental disabilities, so the idea of aging is very intriguing to me. I can't wait till my focus can be for what I have always had a passion for!
Hopefully I will be posting soon with positive outcomes, with less drama involved!!
Z
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Old 04-22-2017, 10:53 AM
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I'm gonna throw one more idea into the hat along those same lines. There's an increased awareness about elder abuse. It's being prosecuted much more vigorously--my organization has been helping to educate and train prosecutors, advocates, police, and healthcare providers on appropriate responses. So providing consulting services to those folks in that context is something that is in increasing demand. There's also a need for expert witnesses for trials. Some issues might require a physician's testimony, but for things like regular caregiving, explaining the effects of aging, etc., a nurse could definitely qualify as an expert.

I think pursuing your passions will go a long way toward building a good, meaningful life.
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Old 04-22-2017, 11:04 AM
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Hi,
Wow! What an excellent idea! That would certainly be something I would love to do! I have an incredible desire to help individuals who either can't help themselves, they are mentally challenged, the frail and elderly, and individuals that just don't have or know what resources are available to them!

Thank you!!
Z
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Old 04-22-2017, 11:12 AM
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When you're ready to explore, send me a PM. I can connect you with some folks who might be able to get you pointed in the right direction.
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Old 04-22-2017, 11:45 AM
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I will!! Thank you again!
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Old 04-22-2017, 01:23 PM
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A lousy divorce decree doesn't dictate your future. It just dictates the divorce.

A dear friend of mine lost everything when she divorced her ex-husband two years ago. She had sacrificed her incredibly promising career to support his as he travelled around the world. He got the house and the retirement plan. She had been emotionally abused for years. She was so desperate to get out that she just wanted it over and done. She took a series of crappy jobs that she was vastly overqualified for just to pay the rent. Fortunately no children were involved.

Fast forward to today. She has an AMAZING career, one that she could have never imagined when she and her ex split up. Her ex? Not so great. He essentially served himself extra large helpings of humble pie. Let's just say bankruptcy for him would not be the worst case scenario.

I never liked him, and when I caught him cheating on her, I REALLY didn't like him. (The aftermath was not pretty.). When I found out he was the driver of his own karma bus, I allowed myself a good long laugh.

And SHE is living well and living large, and no longer under his thumb.

And I get the feeling that you will make it too, no matter what the judge decides.
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Old 04-26-2017, 05:06 PM
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New News!!

Hi,
The story continues! I'm not sure what to think!
My STBXAH, has filed a motion with the court regarding the marital residence.
At the court hearing, both parties agreed upon a fair market value for the house. My AH lawyer asked for the court to give him 6months to refinance, if he can't the house will be listed for sale.
The judges decision was that my AH would be given 6 months to refinance, if not the house would be sold. She gave a dollar amount that he owed be upon refinance or when sold.
My AH is now asking for the order to be changed because he can't refinance the house, and he feels, due to a market analysis done that the house is worth between 175,000-199,900. At the hearing we all agreed upon 220,000. So he states that if I was awarded what the court deemed he would only end up with much less than 1/2. They now what the house sold and the proceeds split!
I'm having a difficult time with this! At the hearing, my AH agreed to the fair market value, actually he wanted to use the tax assessment, and the judge said no. His lawyer wanted the court to give him 6months to refinance, which they did, knowing he has shown no income for almost 2 years. They agreed upon everything.
But now that the judge specified a dollar amount to be given to me, my AH now can't refinance, has stated an even lower amount that the house is worth than even the tax assessment, and doesn't what the judge to take back the dollar amount, and says split the sale of the house in 1/2!
How do I know my AH won't destroy the house before it's sold so I get less money!
I was so hoping this would be o ER soon! I'm hoping the judge sees through his game playing!
This is my life!!

Z
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Old 04-26-2017, 05:20 PM
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If he destroys the house he gets less, too. Do you really think that would happen? If so, get your lawyer to order pictures taken now so there is proof regarding condition.

In my area the market is pretty hot. This is a very good time to sell. I hope you can take a breath, this is the best scenario - you probably knew he couldn't refi, but the judge had to assume he may have had family or someone who was willing to finance him. Sounds like this will likely shorten the time, a refi could have taken the whole six months.

It's going to all work out. It might sell in a week. Either way it could have gotten delayed further anyway.
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Old 04-26-2017, 05:35 PM
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Hi,
My AH wants the judge to change the dollar amount she had awarded me. He now wants me to take 1/2 of the proceeds of the sale. We decided on a value for the house, now he's changing that! I'd feel more secure with a dollar amount like the judge awarded me.
What if in the process of selling it he decides he's going refinance, then the value needs to be determined .
I just feel that setting a dollar amount was wise on the judges part. This man is not playing by any set of rules. '
Another senario! If he lets the house go into foreclosure, I only get 1/2 if what's left after the bank takes what's owed, maybe a lot less than if sold!
I don't trust him!!!
He doesn't want me to have any if the house! To be honest, I feel my AH probably has a plan for someone he knows to buy the house then sell it back to him.
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Old 04-26-2017, 05:47 PM
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What does your lawyer say? I mean, the house is worth what someone is willing to pay, and you don't know that number until you sell. Is your name on the deed/mortgage? If so, you have to sign - so if someone offers below market value, you negotiate at that time. You don't have to accept any offer that is below your asking price. Insist on asking $220,000. I mean, you have to start somewhere on pricing a house.

It's all a negotiation. I suppose you could insist on half of the proceeds from a sale price of $220K, but you might never get that and it will drag this out longer. At the most (with the numbers you've given) it would cost you about $25,000 if it does sell at his low-ball $175K. Then there are Realtor fees... so $30,000 worst case scenario. You'll spend that much in attorney fees if you keep going back and forth. I would think he would want the most $$$ out of this, too.
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Old 04-26-2017, 05:48 PM
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Listen, you're getting carried away with "what ifs" again. Do you realize how many scenarios you've just thrown out there?

Here's the most likely outcome: the judge says no, you already agreed to this. He whines and complains, gets the money he was supposed to, after the sale, and continues to tell everybody in the world how he got screwed in the divorce.

Tell your lawyer you want to go forward AS AGREED. Let the lawyer worry about the contingencies. You might ask for the court to permit a home inspection and to require your ex to be responsible for any interim damage. I don't think he'll probably make it a showplace, but if he tries to interfere with the court-ordered sale he will be looking at potential contempt charges.
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Old 04-26-2017, 05:57 PM
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Lexie obviously knows more about court proceedings. I just know Real Estate transactions.
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Old 04-26-2017, 06:04 PM
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Hi,
What I don't understand is my AH knew at the court hearing he couldn't refinance but asked for 6 months. He agreed to the value of 220,000, after trying to low ball it with the court. The court didn't accept that figure.
Now since my AH doesn't like the court ordered dollar amount to be given to me, he's finally telling the truth that he can't refinance, and the house will most likely be sold. He now wants the judge to not set a dollar amount to what he owes me, and what's us to split the proceeds.
I think the judge was taking into account awarding him the business, the money I put into improvements to the home, and having taken care of his mon for 2 1/2 yrs.
The judge wouldn't hear that my AH thought the house was worth the tax assessment of 184,900. Again he's trying to cheat me by saying it market analysis was 175,500-199,900, frankly quite a large spread!
I just want what's fair and this to be over. Sick of fighting and dreading going to the mailbox everyday
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Old 04-26-2017, 06:20 PM
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He's just being difficult, playing games, trying to avoid the inevitable. It WILL end, I promise. Try to stop letting him yank your chain. He'd totally LOVE the thought of you getting into a tizzy every time he pulls one of these stunts.
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