Zircon

Hi,
I just so want to be able to put this behind me! Just when I think, I'm starting to feel alive again and able to breathe, another piece of poop is thrown at me!
All I ever wanted from the start was everything split 50/50. Even though I stupidly gave my whole inheritance to this man. I understood that this was considered marital assets.
But my AH couldn't accept mediation, so wanted to go to court.
My AH is the beneficiary of a very large trust, which is paying his bills right now. I know unfortunately I don't have any claim to it, not that I'd really want it!
I believe in working for the things you want and need in life.
None of the circumstances gave changed from when my AH lawyer presented their case in court regarding the marital residence other than my AH is saying the house is worth less!!
I just want all this to stop!! I don't want to still be talking about this a year from now!!
Every time I start to feel alive again, I have the wind knocked out of me.
How do you stop your the chaos going on in your head.
I've always been a person who has felt very responsible and accountable for my words and actions. I just need to let this all go, and trust someone else with my financial future!! Very hard thing to do!
Z

Zircon

Hi,
One more thing! I will never trust a man again! EVER!!! I don't ever want to be in a relationship again!! I don't mind being single. Then I'm accountable to no one but myself, and I hold myself to a very high standard!!
I am so done with MEN!!!

Z

LexieCat

I hear ya. Well, fortunately you don't have to plan the rest of your life at this moment.

You actually CAN mentally put this behind you. None of this crap he's doing constitutes an emergency. You are exhausting YOURSELF by going into full-blown panic mode every time he does something. If I were you, I'd start thinking of this as a movie script you've read before: "Yup, there he goes, right on time." The judge sees it too, no doubt. She's seen it ALL before. And, really, so have you. It's the same sort of crap he's been doing since this all started, isn't it? Did going into panic mode help, those other times? No, things moved ahead regardless of what he was doing. This is the SAME THING. Rinse and repeat. It WILL be done. The house will be sold, you will get your share, and it will be OVER.

theuncertainty

((((Hugs)))) Just a quick note that just because your STBXAH asks the court for something, it doesn't mean he'll get it. In fact, it's more likely that the more he pulls stuff like this, the more irritated the court is going to get with him.

I had to actually tell myself to "Stop!", when I found myself freaking out and trying to set up contingency plans for everything that I though AXH would try to pull. I'd tell myself to stop it and focus on *this* - whether *this* was a book to read, a household chore, or whatever. And every time my mind wandered back to worry at the AXH problems, I'd repeat it the stop and refocus. And I'd mix in some breathing exercises.

Zircon

Hi,
I guess I react and have to find a solution immediately to the problem, or at least be able to put a bandaid on it until I can figure out how to fix it!
I have to keep reminding myself logic doesn't apply to this situation in any form, shape, or manner. It's just craziness in its purest form, if there is any such thing!
My logical brain is having a hard time accepting all this craziness, and down right irrational behavior!
I'm being my own worst enemy, by not seeing it for what it truely is, and by trying to find a solution to a situation that has none!
I'm going to try and take everyone's advice( thank you all very much), and try and refocus myself before I let things get too dramatic!!
I'm going to go visit my sister this weekend, and we'll have some fun going into the city!
But there is one thing I need to have happen, this to be over!!
I thought I was really doing well!! LOL!! I guess I gave a way to go!!
I can say one thing thought, I absolutely have no feelings anymore for my AH. And I used to call him a kind, and wonderful man. Those words will never come out of my mouth again!
Z

SparkleKitty

Z, it is like you keep expecting him to be rational, fair, or even kind or thoughtful.

That is not the guy you used to be married to.

The one thing you can do right now is accept him for exactly who he is right now, and let go of what you wish he was. Then when does these thing it won't throw you into such a tail spin.

Try to hand all this over to your lawyer. That is what you are paying them for!

Ladybird579

I just want all this to stop!! I don't want to still be talking about this a year from now!!

I just walked away. Could you? I let him have it even tho it was mine to start with. Life is too short. We are doing OK and the chaos stopped.

Zircon

Hi,
I could walk away, but financially would have nothing, and I mean nothing. I was foolish to give this man everything I had. When I met him, I owed my own home, no mortgage. I finally sold it in 2012, felt we'd been together 8 years then, and put most of the money in his home, that then had my name on the deed and mortgage.My mom passed in 2015, and left me a small sum of money. I also with great reluctance spend this money on things my AH wanted. I wanted to save it for our retirement. My AH would have no part of that!
Could I walk away! Yes, but I'd be homeless in a matter of months.
I also think that's exactly what my AH wants me to do!
I have to remember and it's difficult! This man is paying lawyer fees everytime he contests something! His mother's trust is substantial, but she is in an expensive nursing home, has dementia with no significant health problems so could live many more years. His sister, who is just as crazy as him has control of the trust and has been paying his bills with that money. Who's to say she won't get angry at him and stop doing so! Obviously she's not going to give him the money to buy his house.
As difficult as this is, I'm not a quitter! My whole life I've been an advocate for others to be sure they knew and understood what they deserved and pointed them to the right path.
Even though, I don't see any end to this, I will not allow this man to take from me everything.
My AH took such a huge piece of me, my self-esteem, self worth, and actually told me "I'd should have died when I had my brain hemorrhage."
I think all of this court stuff is kinda wrapped around all my feelings about myself!!
I need to get myself back! All my life I've fought for others.
It's about time I cared enough about myself to fight for me!!

Zircon

hopeful4

Ok Z here is the deal. I had my a$$ handed to me financially just to get away from my XAH. I mean to the tune of about $125k that I took in debt that I should not have. Sure, it ticks me off. However, it's done. It's over. I cannot change it. So instead of kicking myself every single day for it (it was my choice, I did this just to get a quick divorce and avoid conflict), I keep moving forward.

Sometimes I don't have $20 in the bank. However, I keep moving forward.

This will be over. It's a sellers market in many places right now. It's spring. Homes are moving. If he were to trash the house, he would be screwing himself, not just you. Don't let every piece of mail make you spiral out of control. Keep a firm NO to his request, that's all you can do. I know from personal experience, all of these "what if" situations will drive you nuts.

Hugs friend.

Zircon

Hi,
I've had time or maybe taken the time to process things!
Nothing about this situation has been fair! I texted my lawyer a few times, he responded yesterday and told me he'd get back to me by the latest on Monday. I'm assuming nothing can be done till the judge comes back with a new decision, taking into account by AH new position, and information regarding the marital residence!
Maybe, the judge will see this man for what he is, and let the original decision stand! Who knows!!
Right now, I'm ready to just walk away from it all!! There is more to life than financial security and fairness!!
In my life, I've always given things, never with the expectation of getting anything in return. It always gave me a great sense of satisfaction to help someone else, or just see the smile on their face.
Not sure I want to go through years more like this! I'm thinking whatever the judge decides about all this, I'll just accept! Actually we really did accept everything the judge decided, just asked her to clarify a few points because she said one thing in the narrative, and another in the order page.
I guess there are no guarantees that my AH will accept anything the judge orders!
I think what I'm saying is I'm done fighting! What will be, will be!
I think, there will be such a peace knowing this is all finished!!
Loving the weather today! My 2 Westies and I are busting my sister!
Again, thank you all for helping me with all this!
Z

PuzzledHeart

Zircon,

Screw him. Go you!

PH

LexieCat

Attagirl. One of the things I used to think of was how valuable my own time and emotional energy was to me--how much would I PAY someone for not having to go through more crap. Turned out, it was worth QUITE a lot to me, and I've never regretted doing what I could to get things wrapped up as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Remember, you've got some ideas floating around about jobs you might pursue, and plenty of other good things coming your way, regardless of the outcome.

honeypig

Zircon, my brother and his ex-wife have been divorced for nearly a decade now. When she finally sold the house and gave my brother (who moved to Canada nearly 3 years ago) what he had coming, minus money he'd borrowed from her for this and that over the years, he got nearly $40K less than he imagined he'd get. Now, what he was basing his figure on, god only knows, b/c he had no records or anything to prove what he was owed.

He was annoyed that he didn't have as much income from this as he thought/wished/hoped and started badgering her about the money, and she forwarded me one of the emails. Long story short, I told her NOT to give in and pay him money he was not owed; he had left everything on her shoulders and thus would have to accept the way she handled things.

I told him as directly as possible to drop the f'ing rope and leave her alone. I said to him, "Part of this is b/c you yourself have no idea of the finances. You left it all on her to figure out, so now you have no recourse. And the other part is, how much time, $ and energy do you want to spend trying to prove that she owes you that money? You've moved out of the country, you're living with your Canadian SO, you've begun a new life, NEITHER the SO nor you is hurting for $$, so DROP THE ROPE!"

We fought about this for some time. I kept insisting it was NOT personal, he was NOT "losing" if he just let go. He finally did let go, largely, I think, b/c his Canadian SO (now wife) has a good head on her shoulders and told him the same thing, that it was not worth the headaches.

And now that it's been over a year since this happened? He actually made a point of thanking me for getting him to pull his head out of his hind end. He said he hadn't realized how good it could feel to just say "OK, that's it then" and let go and be done. Truthfully, I think part of it that he may not admit so readily was that his ex was completely taken aback by his response, had expected a fight and I think in a way wanted one, as it was a way of continuing to have contact and the illusion of control over him, and he was gratified when it set her back on her heels when he didn't engage...but either way, YES, it can be SO WORTH IT to just be done, finished, no more, all gone.

Here's hoping you get to that point soon too!

LexieCat

LOL, not to hijack, but the last guy I was involved with did the same damn thing. We owned property "together"--in truth, everything was in my name, but I'd bought it so he could operate his winery business. It was a vineyard, and we both put a ton of work into it, planting, working on weekends. He and his son almost single-handedly built the winery building. I helped, and I planted and did other work.

He had no credit, so all the financing was in my name. He used my credit (with my permission) to buy tanks and other necessary items.

He never really made any money--he made just enough to pretty much cover operating expenses and the token rent I charged him (just enough to cover most of the payments). When I finally convinced him to sell the place, several months after we'd broken up, I created a listing that was good enough (with photos and great copy) that within a week we were in a bidding war and sold it for about 100k more than we originally were asking. Our written agreement (which I also insisted on, thank god) called for us to evenly split the profits, with the money he owed me deducted from his half, and with half the tax I would have to pay on the sale similarly deducted from his half. When all was said and done, I sent him a certified check for $60-some thousand dollars, along with my accountant's calculation of the tax liability attributable to the sale. All done EXACTLY as he agreed.

He called me to complain, and I told him to talk to my lawyer, and then hung up on him. When he wrote to my lawyer, I told her exactly what to say. She enclosed our written agreement, as well as a redacted copy of my tax return showing exactly what I paid. I had her point out that once the actual taxes were paid, he owed ME more money, but we were willing to let that go, unless he planned to make an issue out of it, in which case we would be seeking to recover what he still owed me.

That was it, never heard another peep out of him.

My lawyer's opinion was that I didn't even have to give him the money I did, but I felt a certain moral obligation, considering the work he had put in that made it worth the money we were able to sell it for. So I did what I thought was right, and yet he had the nerve to bitch about it.

Refiner

I swear these guys think they have the upper hand just because we're women. They are so misogynistic and it's not just because of Trump LOL,

merhaba

Thank you...hope this concept helps you as much as it just has me Z.
I too am panicking about upcoming divorce settlements....and even though I have said to myself if I lose all, I lose all....I still find myself in panic mode with a frazzled brain.
I just got a sheet of breathing exercises and will combine that with being in the present...... Thanks. You try it too Zircon - whats the worst that can happen to us?

qtpi

I feel like my life is on hold until the financial settlement. Would love to move out of my teeny tiny apartment or decide when I can retire or cut back on work... all on hold.

hopeful4

Z, I am so happy to hear what you have said! I know you are sick about all the financial fallout, but you are right, there is more to life than the financials. You have to LIVE.

My XAH has the best job he has ever had right now. He and his wife are burning through money left and right. He blames me for all financial issues in our marriage (never mind that he had no job lol), and guess what, I no longer give a crap.

You will be free of this my friend. You have done everything you can with the courts, it's time to let your mind know that and move forward.

Hugs.

Zircon

Hi,
Not sure how long it'll take the judge to decide on the motions my lawyer did to clarify, and the motion by my AH lawyer to change her decision regarding our marital home. All I know, is whatever the judge decides, I'm done, and ready to accept the court's decision. I want to be divorced in the year 2017. Really surprised my that my AH doesn't want to be divorced as well so he can start his new life with his gf.
As rough as the past almost 2 years have been, I would never want to be back there again! I can't believe I let someone treat me like that!! And to boot, I loved that man. Boy, does time have a way of making one see things very clearly!
My life is far from perfect, but it's my life, I'm the only one that can make it just the way I want the it to me!
Trying to loose some of my drama and anxiety over things to come!
Hopefully getting better!!
Thank you, everyone, on this forum for all their support, advice, and compassion!
Z

hopeful4

Your new good attitude looks good on you Z!!!

Hugs to you!