Need support, part 2
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You realize the man "he used to be" might have been 80% fake, right? They're fantastic in the early stages...because they have to be. It buys them more time when the addictions start to show through.
Relationships like this are like junk food...in the beginning it's all so sweet and yummy and fun...and then you get sick to your stomach if you make it a steady diet.
He's a human Twinkie. 98% artificial flavors and ingredients and really, really bad for you.
Relationships like this are like junk food...in the beginning it's all so sweet and yummy and fun...and then you get sick to your stomach if you make it a steady diet.
He's a human Twinkie. 98% artificial flavors and ingredients and really, really bad for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
There are meetings pretty close to where I live. My issue right now is time ..i am so tired from my illnesses I don't do much outside of work besides taking care of my kids a d sleeping and trying to catch up at work and go to therapist and dr. Appts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I can't find a friend who will come stay at my place or whose place I can stay at. I don't really have friends that I am that close to. My closest friend is going out of town soon for her daughters wedding.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If you go to even a FEW meetings you can get some phone numbers of other people to call when you feel panicky. Just having someone to talk to can be very calming--to tell you everything will be OK, to say the Serenity Prayer with you or something.
This has to be a top priority. Yes, your work is important, but this situation is jeopardizing your job, right? It's a completely worthwhile investment of your time.
Here's another thought--do you have an Employee Assistance Plan where you work? Contacting them and letting them know what's going on and what you are doing to address it might help in terms of reducing your stress about work and documenting your efforts and commitment to dealing with these issues. With your consent they might be able to loop in your manager to give you some breathing room right now as you work to get on top of this thing.
Incidentally, there are some breeds of dogs that are far less likely to trigger allergies. Do a little research online. If you adopt a dog from a shelter or rescue organization, they will be able to help re-home the dog if you can't cope with the allergy.
This has to be a top priority. Yes, your work is important, but this situation is jeopardizing your job, right? It's a completely worthwhile investment of your time.
Here's another thought--do you have an Employee Assistance Plan where you work? Contacting them and letting them know what's going on and what you are doing to address it might help in terms of reducing your stress about work and documenting your efforts and commitment to dealing with these issues. With your consent they might be able to loop in your manager to give you some breathing room right now as you work to get on top of this thing.
Incidentally, there are some breeds of dogs that are far less likely to trigger allergies. Do a little research online. If you adopt a dog from a shelter or rescue organization, they will be able to help re-home the dog if you can't cope with the allergy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by OT4Kids 
There are meetings pretty close to where I live. My issue right now is time ..i am so tired from my illnesses I don't do much outside of work besides taking care of my kids a d sleeping and trying to catch up at work and go to therapist and dr. Appts.
I also think meetings would be a great help for you. I was so wrapped up in my dysfunctional home that I didn't have a lot of close friends. Now I have several that I can call on and they all came from Al-Anon. What is one hour in a meeting compared to the many hours you have lost worrying about him?
Play the tape forward on how this will end if you contact him. It just isn't worth it and is definitely not healthy!
Jaeger
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
My issue right now is time ..i am so tired from my illnesses I don't do much outside of work besides taking care of my kids a d sleeping and trying to catch up at work and go to therapist and dr. Appts.
think about the insanity of the nights you drove all over hell's half acre looking for him, or chasing down the car, the endless phone calls to police, staying up all night.
you "found" the time do that. SURELY you can find the time to something GOOD for yourself.
we have to learn to sit with discomfort. and not go find a FIX. he is your fix. and you KNOW exactly where it all will lead if you once again bring him back into your life.
think about the insanity of the nights you drove all over hell's half acre looking for him, or chasing down the car, the endless phone calls to police, staying up all night.
you "found" the time do that. SURELY you can find the time to something GOOD for yourself.
we have to learn to sit with discomfort. and not go find a FIX. he is your fix. and you KNOW exactly where it all will lead if you once again bring him back into your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am working on something right now, and I suspect you are a lot the same. I have discovered I have two modes. Good, and complete catastrophe. I let even a little bit of anxiety spiral into something big and out of control.
I am learning, little by little, through counseling and lots of internal work, that this is how I am, and that I have the power to change it. I have to do a lot of self talk to myself through it, and talk myself back to reality if you will. I have reached out to those closest to me who support me during those times, as well as the fine people here at SR who are able to help me cut through it as well.
YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION.
I am also going to second what Anvil said. You are capable of doing more. You have proven that by all the work you have done to track and fix that man. Take all that internal work and focus it on YOU. It's hard to make yourself do it, I get that. However, have people you are accountable to will make a difference. As well as a self commitment that this is what you are going to do.
Hugs to you. Were are here.
I am learning, little by little, through counseling and lots of internal work, that this is how I am, and that I have the power to change it. I have to do a lot of self talk to myself through it, and talk myself back to reality if you will. I have reached out to those closest to me who support me during those times, as well as the fine people here at SR who are able to help me cut through it as well.
YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION.
I am also going to second what Anvil said. You are capable of doing more. You have proven that by all the work you have done to track and fix that man. Take all that internal work and focus it on YOU. It's hard to make yourself do it, I get that. However, have people you are accountable to will make a difference. As well as a self commitment that this is what you are going to do.
Hugs to you. Were are here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
Yes, I pulled up my "big girl panties" and went to work. I have been seeing my therapist still and am seeing the EAP therapist thru my work every 2 weeks. I have gotten information about disability retirement and I am looking into the possibility of ADA accommodations and also setting up a meeting with a rep from my union. I have not yet received official notice that I have been put on a performance improvement plan. I have been careful not to miss work even if I don't sleep and I have slowly but steadily getting paperwork done while carrying a full caseload. I am also seeing my new rheumatologist regularly and losing weight (which I needed to do.)
Yes I think I would be good for me to go to Al-Anon and am also looking into mindful meditation to see if it will help with my nighttime panics.
Right now I am mad at ex. I just wish I could stay mad or at least not panic at night.
At this moment, I deeply regret the 3 years and tens of thousands of dollars I spent on him.
But tonight I won't have my kids so I hope I stay ok. I need to find some west coast friends who are still up late!
I just spent 2 1/2 hours taking stuff out of my car so I can take it for a much needed oil change tomorrow
Thank you all for your continued support!
I am tired but am going to try to stay up and do paperwork. Some days I can't stay awake after making dinner for my kids and then sleep a few hours and then wake up at the time I should be going to bed and then am awake at my most panicky time.
I am still pretty far behind with paperwork for work. It is hard to have a full caseload and keep up with new stuff while still catching up old stuff. I keep telling my boss but she doesn't listen. That is why I am looking into ADA accommodations but I have a ton of stuff due by June 19 and so need to focus on just getting the paperwork in.
Yes I think I would be good for me to go to Al-Anon and am also looking into mindful meditation to see if it will help with my nighttime panics.
Right now I am mad at ex. I just wish I could stay mad or at least not panic at night.
At this moment, I deeply regret the 3 years and tens of thousands of dollars I spent on him.
But tonight I won't have my kids so I hope I stay ok. I need to find some west coast friends who are still up late!
I just spent 2 1/2 hours taking stuff out of my car so I can take it for a much needed oil change tomorrow
Thank you all for your continued support!
I am tired but am going to try to stay up and do paperwork. Some days I can't stay awake after making dinner for my kids and then sleep a few hours and then wake up at the time I should be going to bed and then am awake at my most panicky time.
I am still pretty far behind with paperwork for work. It is hard to have a full caseload and keep up with new stuff while still catching up old stuff. I keep telling my boss but she doesn't listen. That is why I am looking into ADA accommodations but I have a ton of stuff due by June 19 and so need to focus on just getting the paperwork in.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
One suggestion I have would be to work on getting your sleep cycle to a more normal schedule. So often I see posts of yours that are in the wee hours of the morning, and that can't be good for you.
I have severe sleep apnea, and I have really come to cherish normal sleep now that I've gotten treatment for it. Sleep is soooooooooooooo important for your health!
I have severe sleep apnea, and I have really come to cherish normal sleep now that I've gotten treatment for it. Sleep is soooooooooooooo important for your health!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Try getting some soothing music to fall asleep to at night. I have satellite radio on my iPad and I play music from the "Spa" station at night, which is very conducive to relaxation and drifting off to sleep. I'm a big believer in the value of a good night's sleep!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
OT, been following your thread but not posting.
Have to say, you sound stronger all the time.
I agree with others that good sleep is important.
I Know this is truly corny, but warm milk with a little raw sugar or honey and cinnamon really helps me go down at night.
Peace and good wishes.
Have to say, you sound stronger all the time.
I agree with others that good sleep is important.
I Know this is truly corny, but warm milk with a little raw sugar or honey and cinnamon really helps me go down at night.
Peace and good wishes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,012
Hi Ot, I hope you are sleeping soundly as I type this. I'm not west coast but Rocky Mountains so a bit further west than you.
You sound amazing and I hope you can surf that panic and anxiety until it calms down. I like the saying, "Listen to your feeling but don't dance to them". You have damn good reasons for being panicky and anxious so treat these feelings with respect just don't contact your qualifier.
Hugs and angels to you brave lady!
You sound amazing and I hope you can surf that panic and anxiety until it calms down. I like the saying, "Listen to your feeling but don't dance to them". You have damn good reasons for being panicky and anxious so treat these feelings with respect just don't contact your qualifier.
Hugs and angels to you brave lady!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Yup, want to second the suggestions for simple things like warm milk w/honey or a cup of "sleepy tea" to help relax at night. There are a zillion different kinds of relaxing teas, so you should be able to find something you like.
Music is a big help for sleeping/relaxing for me. Tons and tons of it available, and tons on YouTube, so you can listen for free w/o buying anything.
And let me also mention the 10 zillion guided meditations on YouTube for sleep and/or relaxation, which are of course also free. Some of my personal favorites are from Jason Stephenson (have been going to sleep to his "Healing Temple" guided med for a couple of weeks now, love it) and Louise Hay.
A few deep breaths, a carefully made cup of tea that you drink slowly and mindfully, and some calming music or a gently spoken guided meditation could be just the thing to calm you down and let you get some rest.
I agree w/those who say that a sound night's sleep is tremendously important. It's tough to make good decisions and think clearly when you're exhausted. Even Vince Lombardi, famed gnarly football coach, said "Fatigue makes cowards of us all."
Music is a big help for sleeping/relaxing for me. Tons and tons of it available, and tons on YouTube, so you can listen for free w/o buying anything.
And let me also mention the 10 zillion guided meditations on YouTube for sleep and/or relaxation, which are of course also free. Some of my personal favorites are from Jason Stephenson (have been going to sleep to his "Healing Temple" guided med for a couple of weeks now, love it) and Louise Hay.
A few deep breaths, a carefully made cup of tea that you drink slowly and mindfully, and some calming music or a gently spoken guided meditation could be just the thing to calm you down and let you get some rest.
I agree w/those who say that a sound night's sleep is tremendously important. It's tough to make good decisions and think clearly when you're exhausted. Even Vince Lombardi, famed gnarly football coach, said "Fatigue makes cowards of us all."
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Oh, how could I forget essential oils, firebolt? I love those too. I have a little diffuser thing like this:
It's about as big as a computer mouse, but taller, and has a little almost noiseless fan that blows the scent of whatever oil you put on the felt pad out into the air. Sometimes I just use good old lavender, sometimes I look up a mixture from the internet and sometimes I use a blend that I bought. It really is heavenly.
Make your nights a paradise for your senses, listen to things that support and calm and reassure you, and your fears will gradually fade away, OT.
It's about as big as a computer mouse, but taller, and has a little almost noiseless fan that blows the scent of whatever oil you put on the felt pad out into the air. Sometimes I just use good old lavender, sometimes I look up a mixture from the internet and sometimes I use a blend that I bought. It really is heavenly.
Make your nights a paradise for your senses, listen to things that support and calm and reassure you, and your fears will gradually fade away, OT.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
Thank you all for the great ideas! I do have a fan for white noise and essential oils. The good news is that I went to the DR. On Friday and I have lost 20 lbs. which was much needed and eating better has already reduced my blood sugar and blood pressure.
The hard part is that yesterday was the 3 year anniversary from when ex moved here to be with me. And I haven't had my kids overnight since Tuesday. Ex has called me from other people's phones and has been messing with my head.
This is so hard.
The hard part is that yesterday was the 3 year anniversary from when ex moved here to be with me. And I haven't had my kids overnight since Tuesday. Ex has called me from other people's phones and has been messing with my head.
This is so hard.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
This is why going no contact is a good idea. You don't have to answer the phone. I get lots of spam calls, so I don't answer the phone unless I know for sure who is calling. If it's important, whoever it is will leave a voicemail. If it's HIM leaving a voicemail, you can stop the message and delete it as soon as you figure out it's him. He can't mess with your head if you don't let him in there.
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