Need support, part 2
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
OT4Kids, well, if anything, I hope that story gave you a good chuckle. It may be even worth the 25% chance that I'll get strep too.
Your ex is in good hands. He's safe. That's one less thing to worry about.
Your ex is in good hands. He's safe. That's one less thing to worry about.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,012
Sigh OT . . . . yep this is more of same.
Is there any way you can use this time of being away from him (no choice of yours but a gift from the universe) to jump start your own choice to stay away from this man?
I know it is super hard but you do seem to be getting a teeny bit better.
Please circle the wagons: alanon, yoga, movies, exercise, call a friend, keep SR permanently open in your browser . . . whatever it takes.
Is there any way you can use this time of being away from him (no choice of yours but a gift from the universe) to jump start your own choice to stay away from this man?
I know it is super hard but you do seem to be getting a teeny bit better.
Please circle the wagons: alanon, yoga, movies, exercise, call a friend, keep SR permanently open in your browser . . . whatever it takes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
I have a policy - unless I know who is calling me, I don't answer my phone. I figure if it's important, they will leave a voicemail.
YOU have the power here. You don't have to answer his calls. It sounds like you're getting sucked back in, and for your own sake I hope you can find the strength to let go.
This is not "surreal," it's the natural progression of bullsh!t that has been going on for a LONG time and will continue AND GET WORSE if you let it.
You have power. You have choices. Take your life back!
YOU have the power here. You don't have to answer his calls. It sounds like you're getting sucked back in, and for your own sake I hope you can find the strength to let go.
This is not "surreal," it's the natural progression of bullsh!t that has been going on for a LONG time and will continue AND GET WORSE if you let it.
You have power. You have choices. Take your life back!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
So you have spent time calling the hospital, trying to reach him, trying this and that. No wonder you have anxiety. There is a REASON for you not to be in contact with him. He is in their hands and that is fine. I feel as though you are just waiting for him to run back home, and the cycle WILL START all over again. Only you have the power to stop this. You are giving yourself anxiety by putting yourself into this cycle over and over again. You deserve more.
Originally Posted by OT4Kids 
It has been a long day. Even though I wanted to go to the hospital i went to work, fed my kids, and we went to my son's chorus and band concert. My kids just left to sleep at my ex husbands which leaves me alone and increases my anxiety.
I don5 know it I already wrote this but the first time I called the hospital today they told me what room he was in and connected me to it but no one answered. When I called back later, they first said he wasn't there. When I said I called earlier and knew what unit and room he was in they said it was confidential. I asked them what if it was a family member who called and they said they still couldn't give the info. I asked what if I go there can I see him.and they said no. I asked well then how can I check on him and his condition. And share information wiith thr dr. And th3y said i cant
I don5 know it I already wrote this but the first time I called the hospital today they told me what room he was in and connected me to it but no one answered. When I called back later, they first said he wasn't there. When I said I called earlier and knew what unit and room he was in they said it was confidential. I asked them what if it was a family member who called and they said they still couldn't give the info. I asked what if I go there can I see him.and they said no. I asked well then how can I check on him and his condition. And share information wiith thr dr. And th3y said i cant
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
Ok. Feeling a little better today. Feeling thankful for the support of all of you and of one of my friends who called me late last night to give me some tough love and a pep talk.
Throwing myself into catching up at work and taking care of my health. I do feel somewhat relieved that he is either in the hospital or jail and that those places have a better chance of helping him than me. I know I did everything in my power to help him....far more than anyone should.
Throwing myself into catching up at work and taking care of my health. I do feel somewhat relieved that he is either in the hospital or jail and that those places have a better chance of helping him than me. I know I did everything in my power to help him....far more than anyone should.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by OT4Kids
. I know I did everything in my power to help him....far more than anyone should.
This man has damaged every.single.aspect of your life.
Praying this is finally the last of it and as I'm an atheist, that's a real leap.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,012
Originally Posted by OT4Kids
Throwing myself into catching up at work and taking care of my health. I do feel somewhat relieved that he is either in the hospital or jail and that those places have a better chance of helping him than me. I know I did everything in my power to help him....far more than anyone should.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
Good point Lexiecat. What do I do when gets out. And what if he shows up at the door when I am home. He can't get in cause I changed the deadbolt. And fixed the lock on the storm door. But i know it will be hard for me. I will need to tell him to take his stuff from the garage and go. Tell him or to contact me or come to the house again or I will get a protective order. And i will phone a friend for support? Easy to write the plan but may be harder to do
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If you know he's coming over, post here and we'll give you some reinforcements.
I'd suggest that if he contacts you, you tell him you will leave the garage door open but you don't want to see him or talk to him. Period. Keep your cell phone on you and if he doesn't leave immediately upon picking up his stuff, call the police and--I am dead serious here--sign a complaint for trespassing. He's GOT to see that you mean it. Because if you don't, he will keep trying until he wears you down. You have to stop it BEFORE it gets to the point where he's got the door open and talking to you.
I'd suggest that if he contacts you, you tell him you will leave the garage door open but you don't want to see him or talk to him. Period. Keep your cell phone on you and if he doesn't leave immediately upon picking up his stuff, call the police and--I am dead serious here--sign a complaint for trespassing. He's GOT to see that you mean it. Because if you don't, he will keep trying until he wears you down. You have to stop it BEFORE it gets to the point where he's got the door open and talking to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
The plan may FEEL harder to do but as they say around here feelings are not facts.
You can also put a steering wheel lock in your car (remember the Club?) just in case he tries to take your car again.
The easiest thing to do, IMHO, is find a way to get the stuff out of your house before he arrives. If you have a friend who is willing to serve as intermediary and will store the stuff for you, or even if you just cough up the money and put his crap in self-storage and tell him if he doesn't pick it up in 30 days you're sending it straight to the dumpster. Anything that allows you to go No Contact sooner rather than later is worth the cost.
You can also put a steering wheel lock in your car (remember the Club?) just in case he tries to take your car again.
The easiest thing to do, IMHO, is find a way to get the stuff out of your house before he arrives. If you have a friend who is willing to serve as intermediary and will store the stuff for you, or even if you just cough up the money and put his crap in self-storage and tell him if he doesn't pick it up in 30 days you're sending it straight to the dumpster. Anything that allows you to go No Contact sooner rather than later is worth the cost.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One other suggestion (and I think the restraining order if he doesn't respect your wishes is an EXCELLENT idea--call an advocate in advance to find out what's required for that and to get some additional support)--write out your plan IN DETAIL, and visualize yourself taking each of the steps. Rehearse it in your mind until you know it by heart and can see yourself doing it.
Seriously--that's what I do any time I'm about to do something that I'm a little bit afraid of.
Seriously--that's what I do any time I'm about to do something that I'm a little bit afraid of.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Just one more thing...
You know what I'm afraid of? He's going to take a look at his pile of crap and say that it's too much for him to take it away in one go. You're already saying to us that it's too much for his workplace to handle it. So he's not going to be able to just pick it up and leave. And he has no friends, so he's not going to have an army to help him. So you have to arrange ANOTHER date for him to pick up the load. And it goes on and on.
Look at the end of the day, if you really wanted to get rid of this guy and get rid of his stuff, you would have figured out a way to do it by yesterday.
You know what I'm afraid of? He's going to take a look at his pile of crap and say that it's too much for him to take it away in one go. You're already saying to us that it's too much for his workplace to handle it. So he's not going to be able to just pick it up and leave. And he has no friends, so he's not going to have an army to help him. So you have to arrange ANOTHER date for him to pick up the load. And it goes on and on.
Look at the end of the day, if you really wanted to get rid of this guy and get rid of his stuff, you would have figured out a way to do it by yesterday.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Call a local movng company, move his junk into a storage unit paid for 30 days in cash and leave the key there in his name.
If he doesn't move it or pay for it, that's on him.
Memorial Day is coming up. You know how you're going to spend it if you let him come back, right?
If he doesn't move it or pay for it, that's on him.
Memorial Day is coming up. You know how you're going to spend it if you let him come back, right?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Call a local movng company, move his junk into a storage unit paid for 30 days in cash and leave the key there in his name.
If he doesn't move it or pay for it, that's on him.
Memorial Day is coming up. You know how you're going to spend it if you let him come back, right?
If he doesn't move it or pay for it, that's on him.
Memorial Day is coming up. You know how you're going to spend it if you let him come back, right?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
you won't believe this. So, two things happened today. First of all, I was paying bills online and saw that there is a lot of money spent out of one of my bank accounts... I have two...one has most of my money, and then I have a second small one. Well, he must have stolen my debit card the last time he was at the house. I didnt notice cause I don't use the debit card ever. So, do I go to police and report this as a theft? He NEVER had my permission to use my debit card and I had already gotten new cards for the two credit cards that I have.
Also, I just got a call from DC. It was someone who works at a jail who said that "HE" had been released from the hospital and was being held at the jail until he goes before a judge. This person was calling on their personal phone and told me he had asked them to call to let me know where he was at that he loves me. She also said not to call back to that number and gave me the actual number to the jail and said if I called, to act like I hadn't already received the call. He is such a sociopath he can get people to do what he wants even in the jail.
Oh, and one more thing...I think I said this before, but I had gone online to see the numbers he had called and called them. I was pretty sure 2 were drug dealers by the pattern of calls/texts and by what they said when I called. I so badly want to send the police after them. Do you think the police would help?
Also, I just got a call from DC. It was someone who works at a jail who said that "HE" had been released from the hospital and was being held at the jail until he goes before a judge. This person was calling on their personal phone and told me he had asked them to call to let me know where he was at that he loves me. She also said not to call back to that number and gave me the actual number to the jail and said if I called, to act like I hadn't already received the call. He is such a sociopath he can get people to do what he wants even in the jail.
Oh, and one more thing...I think I said this before, but I had gone online to see the numbers he had called and called them. I was pretty sure 2 were drug dealers by the pattern of calls/texts and by what they said when I called. I so badly want to send the police after them. Do you think the police would help?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I understand the temptation to send the police after these potential drug dealers, but honestly OT, I would rest a lot easier knowing you were untangling yourself from this mess as much as possible while you can. You don't actually know who those people are. If the police are interested in following up on his contacts, they can do that themselves.
Report the debit card stolen, and try to not to get too obsessed about what he's doing or getting other people to do.
Take good care of yourself tonight.
Report the debit card stolen, and try to not to get too obsessed about what he's doing or getting other people to do.
Take good care of yourself tonight.
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