Need support, part 2
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Forget about sending the police after drug dealers. I'm sure the cops know who they are, and they aren't your problem.
Can you tell where the card was used? The locations of use or withdrawal should be noted. If they were used at an ATM, most have surveillance cameras. Most convenience stores do, too. You should report the theft to your bank's fraud department immediately, tell them what you suspect, and let them take it from there. They may be in the best position to investigate the fraud. Also, if you don't immediately report the loss of the card/compromising of your account, you might be liable for the loss. If your card was stolen and you report it immediately, you might not be liable.
OK, is THIS enough to convince you that he is bad, bad news? Stop worrying about his well-being and start worrying about your own.
Can you tell where the card was used? The locations of use or withdrawal should be noted. If they were used at an ATM, most have surveillance cameras. Most convenience stores do, too. You should report the theft to your bank's fraud department immediately, tell them what you suspect, and let them take it from there. They may be in the best position to investigate the fraud. Also, if you don't immediately report the loss of the card/compromising of your account, you might be liable for the loss. If your card was stolen and you report it immediately, you might not be liable.
OK, is THIS enough to convince you that he is bad, bad news? Stop worrying about his well-being and start worrying about your own.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,012
Originally Posted by OT4Kids 
you won't believe this.
Most of us, at one point, were where you are and have been. We too didn't understand that addicts/alcoholics lose all sense of right and wrong. Only the fix/drink matters.
My qualifier had many scholarships for university. One of our professors said he was the brightest student he had ever taught. He was always helping other students with higher level math problems. As an addict, he did armed robberies.
Yes, in the beginning, it is hard to believe but it is as predictable as a linear equation.
Big hug to you OT. What you are going through is super tough. Stay close and keep posting!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh I do believe it. And I believe as long as you are entangled w/him, it will continue on and on, worse and worse. Go to an attorney, get something served to him to get his crap by X date or it gets disposed of. Then, do not EVER speak to him again. That is the ONLY way you will have peace.
And explain to anyone who calls that you are not interested in where he is or what he is doing. Who cares about any drug dealers, they are a dime a dozen. Go to the bank and do what you have to do to make sure there is no more stolen money from your account. Go to the police and report it.
Move on from this craziness and give yourself some peace.
And explain to anyone who calls that you are not interested in where he is or what he is doing. Who cares about any drug dealers, they are a dime a dozen. Go to the bank and do what you have to do to make sure there is no more stolen money from your account. Go to the police and report it.
Move on from this craziness and give yourself some peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
So you all called it....he spent 1 night in jail after getting released from the hospital and sent me an email when he got out.
That he loves me, that he is done messing up, blah blah blah. Full of crap that I have heard many times. He wanted me to feel sorry for he...he got drunk or high, put his fist thru a huge window, it fell on him and he got cut up. It was so painful and miserable in the hospital, and in jail...he did all of that to himself. He feels sorry for himself, yet for a long time he has been the cause of all the bad things in his life. His thinking is soooooo messed up.
I already have a storage unit that he has a key to so I put all of his stuff in there. I plan to move my things out of the next month to save money. I don't really care of he takes any of my stuff out. Less for me to move.
He is staying in a homeless shelter. I hope he gets the help he needs. I am DONE! There is absolutely nothing positive he can do for me. And there is no way for me to help him except to pray.
OT OUT!😉
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That he loves me, that he is done messing up, blah blah blah. Full of crap that I have heard many times. He wanted me to feel sorry for he...he got drunk or high, put his fist thru a huge window, it fell on him and he got cut up. It was so painful and miserable in the hospital, and in jail...he did all of that to himself. He feels sorry for himself, yet for a long time he has been the cause of all the bad things in his life. His thinking is soooooo messed up.
I already have a storage unit that he has a key to so I put all of his stuff in there. I plan to move my things out of the next month to save money. I don't really care of he takes any of my stuff out. Less for me to move.
He is staying in a homeless shelter. I hope he gets the help he needs. I am DONE! There is absolutely nothing positive he can do for me. And there is no way for me to help him except to pray.
OT OUT!😉
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A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OMG, OT, I am SO PROUD of you!
Now, just to shore up your plan, block all means of communication. If he shows up, tell him NOT to contact you further, and if he doesn't leave immediately, or if he disregards your wishes, contact the police. He's got to get a firm, unwavering message from you. And if you feel like you even MIGHT be wavering, post here and we'll back you up.
GOOD JOB!!!
Now, just to shore up your plan, block all means of communication. If he shows up, tell him NOT to contact you further, and if he doesn't leave immediately, or if he disregards your wishes, contact the police. He's got to get a firm, unwavering message from you. And if you feel like you even MIGHT be wavering, post here and we'll back you up.
GOOD JOB!!!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Mic drop!
I am sooo glad to hear from you. Usually when you go quiet it's because he's oozed his way back into your life.
His mess is his but as long as you kept cleaning it up for him, he had no reason to learn anything. He may never...this behavior is pretty entrenched...and sometimes a grifter is just a grifter...the addictions are just the rancid icing on the moldy cupcake.
Stick to your guns, good woman. A better life awaits.
Sending you a hug.
I am sooo glad to hear from you. Usually when you go quiet it's because he's oozed his way back into your life.
His mess is his but as long as you kept cleaning it up for him, he had no reason to learn anything. He may never...this behavior is pretty entrenched...and sometimes a grifter is just a grifter...the addictions are just the rancid icing on the moldy cupcake.
Stick to your guns, good woman. A better life awaits.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,012
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
You're a rock star, OT.
So good to hear what you are saying.
As the others have said, circle all the wagons to shore yourself up as the memories of his crap behavior fade!!
Keep posting.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Actually, it did last much longer than usual before your anxiety showed up, so give yourself some credit.
Your anxiety is not reality, it's a feeling. The reality is that letting him back in your life would only lead to endless new sources of anxiety...financial (having him steal from you, paying his bills and fines), health (being up all hours in dangerous neighborhoods, not eating right, not getting enough rest or not taking your meds regularly, possible STDs), career (how many deadlines have you missed chasing him?), self-respect, your relationship with your kids, etc. etc. etc. on and on.
You will get through this. You have before. Nothing is worth letting a drunk, addicted, deadbeat, abusive, grifting, soul-sucking, slimeball, cheating, cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four flushing, snake licking, dirt eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood sucking, dog kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat assed, bug eyed, stiff legged, spotty lipped, worm headed, sack of monkey ***** back into your life, your home, or your bed. Nothing.
Take a long hot bath, breathe, and go to bed. This will pass.
*Okay, so I cribbed that last part from "Christmas Vacation", it still fits.
P.S. Throw your phone out the window if you have to, just DO NOT contact him. You will be glad tomorrow that you didn't.
P.S.S. If you let him come back, there's a 100% guarantee you'll be back here Memorial Day devastated yet again because he's disappeared, yet again. And then July 4th. And then again on some day you might count on him in August, because Labor Day is a bit of a stretch for him.
Just don't.
ETA: Oh and I forgot legal stress...if he isn't dealing yet he will be. Out of your home and your car on the phone you pay for. If he gets busted, you're a suspect, too. Oh and your ex just might go after sole custody, because this is no situation for children to be around.
Again, don't.
Your anxiety is not reality, it's a feeling. The reality is that letting him back in your life would only lead to endless new sources of anxiety...financial (having him steal from you, paying his bills and fines), health (being up all hours in dangerous neighborhoods, not eating right, not getting enough rest or not taking your meds regularly, possible STDs), career (how many deadlines have you missed chasing him?), self-respect, your relationship with your kids, etc. etc. etc. on and on.
You will get through this. You have before. Nothing is worth letting a drunk, addicted, deadbeat, abusive, grifting, soul-sucking, slimeball, cheating, cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four flushing, snake licking, dirt eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood sucking, dog kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat assed, bug eyed, stiff legged, spotty lipped, worm headed, sack of monkey ***** back into your life, your home, or your bed. Nothing.
Take a long hot bath, breathe, and go to bed. This will pass.
*Okay, so I cribbed that last part from "Christmas Vacation", it still fits.
P.S. Throw your phone out the window if you have to, just DO NOT contact him. You will be glad tomorrow that you didn't.
P.S.S. If you let him come back, there's a 100% guarantee you'll be back here Memorial Day devastated yet again because he's disappeared, yet again. And then July 4th. And then again on some day you might count on him in August, because Labor Day is a bit of a stretch for him.
Just don't.
ETA: Oh and I forgot legal stress...if he isn't dealing yet he will be. Out of your home and your car on the phone you pay for. If he gets busted, you're a suspect, too. Oh and your ex just might go after sole custody, because this is no situation for children to be around.
Again, don't.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, OT,
Good for you--you're posting before you do something you'll regret--that really IS progress.
EVERYTHING Aries said--times ten. You CAN do this. Yes, it's uncomfortable for a bit. I get that you become anxious. But the very TEMPORARY relief is not worth the price you pay in MORE anxiety. The answer is to learn to ride these moments out. It will become easier every time you do it until the anxiety of being alone is gone completely.
When I was newly sober, strong emotions were the very hardest part for me to handle. When my blood pressure went up with anger or stress, my go-to solution was picking up a drink. What I discovered, though, was that if I rode it out, it passed. Distracting myself helped. Sometimes I just had to wait it out, but it always passed. I didn't die from it, and I didn't drink--even though that would have been the quickest and easiest thing to do.
For you, he is like a drink. You WILL get past it, but you have to put up with some discomfort in the meantime. It will pay huge dividends down the road.
You're gonna be OK--keep telling yourself that, because it's true. And whatever you do, do NOT CONTACT HIM. Nor answer your phone or your door if he comes knocking.
Hugs!
Good for you--you're posting before you do something you'll regret--that really IS progress.
EVERYTHING Aries said--times ten. You CAN do this. Yes, it's uncomfortable for a bit. I get that you become anxious. But the very TEMPORARY relief is not worth the price you pay in MORE anxiety. The answer is to learn to ride these moments out. It will become easier every time you do it until the anxiety of being alone is gone completely.
When I was newly sober, strong emotions were the very hardest part for me to handle. When my blood pressure went up with anger or stress, my go-to solution was picking up a drink. What I discovered, though, was that if I rode it out, it passed. Distracting myself helped. Sometimes I just had to wait it out, but it always passed. I didn't die from it, and I didn't drink--even though that would have been the quickest and easiest thing to do.
For you, he is like a drink. You WILL get past it, but you have to put up with some discomfort in the meantime. It will pay huge dividends down the road.
You're gonna be OK--keep telling yourself that, because it's true. And whatever you do, do NOT CONTACT HIM. Nor answer your phone or your door if he comes knocking.
Hugs!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Then get out of there, yes? Check into a nice hotel with a pool, a hot tub and a sauna and snuggly bathrobes. Five nights of a nice hotel is a hell of a lot less money than whatever his next binge drama is going to cost you. Take long walks. Do streaming yoga classes. Call some girl friends and have them over for pseudo-spa pajama nights at the hotel. Get a massage or three.
Shake things up and get away from the triggers. You need to know that you can and you need to know you deserve good things in life.
Shake things up and get away from the triggers. You need to know that you can and you need to know you deserve good things in life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
If you met him for the first time, would you go on a date with him in the condition he's in? Would you want to bring a guy who's been in jail to meet your kids?
You just have to work through the anxiety one minute at a time.
There's this guy named Andrew Johnson who offers a free relaxation app. He has a Scottish accent thick enough to be a blanket. I like the app because you can put it on repeat numerous times. You may want to give it a shot.
I am beginning to think that my fibroid and your anxiety have some sort of symbiotic relationship. I'm up tonight because the damned thing is buzzing like a bee.
You just have to work through the anxiety one minute at a time.
There's this guy named Andrew Johnson who offers a free relaxation app. He has a Scottish accent thick enough to be a blanket. I like the app because you can put it on repeat numerous times. You may want to give it a shot.
I am beginning to think that my fibroid and your anxiety have some sort of symbiotic relationship. I'm up tonight because the damned thing is buzzing like a bee.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know I've suggested it before, but could you get a pet? A cuddly dog or cat (heck, I've got two annoyingly friendly cats I could gift-wrap for you right now) could be GREAT company. And they won't make NEARLY the mess your ex did. A dog, especially, might make you feel safer, too. However much trouble it is taking care of a pet, they will be NO trouble compared to what you've been dealing with.
Some of the advocates I've met work with therapy dogs. They are wonderful for calming down victims who have been traumatized. Some of them even go to court with them!
I'd sure think about it if I were you.
Some of the advocates I've met work with therapy dogs. They are wonderful for calming down victims who have been traumatized. Some of them even go to court with them!
I'd sure think about it if I were you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
Thank you all. No, I know that he is completely spiraling out of control and that he isn't good for me or my kids.
I know when I miss him I miss the man he used to be.
I am allergic to cats and dogs bit much more to cats. Maybe I will get a dog.
I just wanna fast forward thru this. It is much harder than I imagined to let go of him. I really feel addicted to him.
I know when I miss him I miss the man he used to be.
I am allergic to cats and dogs bit much more to cats. Maybe I will get a dog.
I just wanna fast forward thru this. It is much harder than I imagined to let go of him. I really feel addicted to him.
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