SmallButMighty

You do know you wouldn't be so sick if you weren't putting yourself through so much stress, yes?

I understand that you have a chronic condition, but you must also understand that stress aggravates and intensifies all illness and disease. That is a medical fact.

I see you actively doing something else that intensifies your anxiety; it seems like you wake up expecting to be panicked in the evening. You post in morning and afternoon about how much you know you will be panicky and anxious later that night. Essentially setting yourself up to feel that way.

I also understand that you are in a pattern of feeling that way so your body reacts accordingly. Nights when he was missing were the most scary times, when your head raced to all the worst case scenarios and your brain would dump loads of adrenaline and cortisol into your system...which in turn causes that fight or flight response, we not so lovingly call, anxiety.I lived in that hell myself for a long time, so I am in no way judging you. I have deep empathy because I know exactly how it feels. I also know NOW, that I am many steps away and far healthier, that I was my own worst enemy when it came to my anxiety.

Future tripping, "what ifs", "if onlys" and impending doom scenarios are your worst enemy. When you allow them to take over your thoughts then you, yourself, actually become your own worst enemy.

Please try and learn how to do some positive self talk and turn your thoughts around before they lead you down that long, dark, scary rabbit hole. Please continue to do the yoga, reach out to friends, change up your meds and make whatever other activities that enforce your strength a priority.

Also, PLEASE stop spending your days "knowing" your nights are going to be hell. You keep setting the stage and it keeps playing out just the way you expect it to. When you catch yourself during the day, dreading the night, have a chat with yourself and refocus. Its hard at first but you will get the hang of it. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying , " Stop.. just stop it...stop it right 'effing' NOW!!!!!" Because you know what?...even if your anxiety is going to rage at night....worrying about it all day is not gonna help you one bit anyways...at least give yourself the daylight hours to be free of it.

We need sleep to be able to deal with stress, it's impossible to sleep while anxiety ridden.. insomnia leads to more stress...which we can't handle because we are already too stressed so we don't sleep yet again... it is a horrible, horrible vicious circle and it only gets worse and worse until we find a way to stop it. Its like a snake eating it's own tail... eventually we end up with nothing but a crazy, crazy head.

I suggest you find a way to distract yourself on the evenings when you don't have your kiddos there. Pamper yourself, block his numbers( you can unblock it in the morning if you must), get lost in a movie or binge a series or read a good book or do a jigsaw puzzle... anything that takes the focus off what your head keeps grinding on.

Good luck OT... keep moving forward, one step at a time. It's not easy but it is worth it.

PuzzledHeart

Chances are you're not going to feel any better today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that.

The "better" is going to creep at you at such slow degrees you most likely won't notice it. When my ex broke up with me, it took me at least three-four months before I started feeling like I could wake up without dread. Weekends were the worst because everybody was dating somebody and I was tossed toast. Two of my best friends were happily married, the ex before my ex-fiance was engaged, and I felt like a failure.

This guy takes your heart and plays around with it like a doggie chew toy. I wouldn't be surprised if he got a thrill over seeing how badly he treats you. You come back to him, and he thinks "Oh somebody still loves me even though I treat them like crap. I must be a pretty awesome guy if my family is willing to take me back. Yay I'm awesome! Time for a drink!"

You're going to have to find some way to relish the small moments of happiness that pass through the day. The warm perfection of a hard-boiled egg as it rests on the palm of your hand. The way that dust sparkles and shines in the sunlight. The steam that floats from a mug of tea. The stinky child scent that isn't stinky at all. Even though your heart is breaking and you feel numb, make the effort to recognize those moments of pleasure. You need to know for yourself that you can recognize and cherish beauty on your own.

This sounds kind of crazy, but have you heard of ASMR? Some people swear by it to help them calm down and fall asleep. Google "Gentle Whisperings ASMR" to see what I'm talking about. Some people think that Bob Ross, the painter, inadvertently practiced ASMR in his videos.

I'm just giving you suggestions. Take what you wish and discard the rest. You'll build your own toolkit to deal with your anxiety, and I'm certain one day you'll be helping someone else as they go through their own journey.

FallenAngelina

This is no small suggestion, this is huge.

Just simply being present and focusing on this very moment is enormously life changing and anxiety reducing. We can't feel anxious when we are present in this moment because anxiety is a war of fearful thoughts about the past and the future. Being present is called mindfulness and being mindful is a skill that anyone can develop. It's a skill, not a personality or something some people happen to be gifted with. It's available for anyone to practice and develop, just like every skill. "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Mindfulness" is a good way to start - affordable used copies on Amazon. This book draws on spiritual and secular traditions throughout history and the world.

The road to serenity is paved in mindfulness and focus on the present moment.

OT4Kids

puzzled heart your suggestion is not strange at all. It's a great idea! I don't have many close friends but I am going to try to see if someone will come the nights I don't have my kids or if I can stay at a friends house.

I still feel sick today but got my kids and we went to have lunch at my parents house and my sister and nephews came. then went to my son's game. It was good for me to get outside and talk to a friend at the game. My boys and I went to the grocery store.

I was also blessed by a friend who gave me a lawnmower (I have been trying to cut the lawn with a push mower which is impossible.) It is perfect since it is electric since with my illness I can't breathe in gas fumes. It is also quiet which is good cause I always have a migraine.

Last night he sent me one email saying, "I'm fu__ed." Though I feel horrible, he "fu__d" himself. He probably doesn't know who took the car with his stuff in it. Should I send an email saying I have his stuff packed and he can come get it out of the garage or shed?

I have to say that I wanted him to come home last night.

OT4Kids

I will look into ASMR and Mindfulness today. I am willing to try anything.

OT4Kids

I know why I panic every night. Because for 3 years he has worked at night and I have always waited for him to call or message me at night when he was done with work. Lately I panic every night since every week or so he just randomly doesn't come home. So how do I disassociate night time with the panic of not hearing from him and him not coming home?

LexieCat

One of the things I did (not exactly the same situation, but nights get lonely when you're newly single) is to create a really great evening routine for yourself. Plan dinner each night. Plan to watch TV or a movie or work on a hobby--whatever gives you pleasure. Have a good bedtime routine, too. I bought new sheets/bedding, and put on relaxing meditation/yoga music. I used to love reading in bed and I started doing that again. And I fixed myself a small cup of ice cream and took it to bed with me. Basically pampered myself and made that my new routine. Eventually it takes over, but you have to give it some time to get established.


Give it a try--it really works.

Ariesagain

First of all, how is he emailing you if you cut off his phone?

Second, no no NO to yet again jumping when he snaps his fingers. He created this mess. Let HIM figure out where his stuff is.

Third...so you panicked back before when there was a decent chance he might come home and that's what's contributing to your panic now? You basically have PTSD. You need a therapist who can help you process that reaction, yes?

In the meantime...distraction, support, and focusing on your family and your health.

Sending you hope for clarity and strength.

LexieCat

Personally, I'd ignore the email. Why should you make him feel better? You know he'll show up on your doorstep eventually. I'd have his little bag/boxes packed, hand them to him, and tell him never to call or show up there again. Ever. If he doesn't leave immediately, tell him you're calling the police if he won't respect your wishes. And then do it.

OT4Kids

He can email and facebook message by using the phone on wifi

PuzzledHeart

How about this for size?

You could block him on your email and FB, while setting up a burner email address just for him. Send an email using your regular address but inform that moving forward that you will only accept correspondence from him at the new one. You can inform him that he can expect replies within 72 hours. If he expects a faster response, well, that's what happens when you disappear on your fiance for days on end.

And here comes the truly evil, horrible idea but I just want to put it out there....

The beauty of the alternative email is that you can name it anything you want.

i_need_to_work_on_my_issues@______.com
I_owe_OT4Kids_8000_dollars@.____.com


Of course you could do the adult thing and create a completely benign email address.

If he wants his stuff back, he'll have to use THIS email to get it back. And since it's not your regular email address or FB feed, he won't get to interrupt your day.
You only have to read what he wrote when you want to.

Tell him that you will show up at this public place on such and such a date with his stuff. Bring a friend for moral support. Heck, if you want to, do it in front of a police station. Tell him that if he doesn't reply within 7 days that you will presume he no longer wants it and you will donate his stuff to charity. If he proposes an alternative date, it has to be within a 14 day window. A no show also means that you will donate his stuff to charity. There is no option for rescheduling once a date is agreed upon, because you don't want him to prolong the agony by postponing the date. Call the shots, just don't wait for him to show up on your doorstep.

If my memory serves me right, he's not your children's biological father. You may want him to be their dad, but that's not going to happen. You're not financially dependent on him. There is NO reason to talk to him after this. I know that sounds so scary, but believe me it will set you free.

Once you give his stuff, block him completely from your life. YOU can call the shots.

OT4Kids

All good ideas Puzzled Heart

PuzzledHeart

Yeah but when I think about it can be made much simpler.

1) Mail stuff to mutual acquaintance or family member. Confirm Receipt.
2) Email ex and let him know stuff is at mutual acquaintance. Arrangements should be made with that person.
3) Block him.

No Contact is your friend.

Bekindalways

^^^^ Yep all good ideas. However, OT in all honesty, are you emotionally strong enough to do any of this?

This guy has been your kryptonite. If he comes anywhere near you, will you cave?

Please understand I'm not being snarky as I had (and to some extent still have) my own krytonite. You really do sound like you are making progress!

May every angel in the universe dive bomb you OT.

Nonotme

You're probably not getting any money back. It's gone.
Also, is any of his stuff important? It's just stuff.
I might consider the stuff a fair trade for the money owed, and move on with life, 100% with no contact.
That owed money can be a connection that strings you along for years and years to come. It's not worth it.

Stay strong, mama.

LexieCat

I agree. If it were me, I'd willingly pay $8,000--probably a lot more--to be done with this agony. Whether you can "afford" it or not, you can afford it a lot more than you can afford to keep living this way.

Ariesagain

You said it's cost you $1000 in parking fines and towing in the past six months. Plus you're making the payments on "his" car and no doubt insuring and fueling it.

Yes, he throws a little money your way when he's slithering back into your house, but I'm guessing at a minimum it's costing you about $20k a year to have him around. And that's just talking the financial cost.

So using the financial rationalization doesn't compute. If you let him torture you for another six months chasing that $8k you still end up behind, yes?

P.S. $20k a year buys lots of help around the house...and they would actually show up.

OT4Kids

He owes me a lot more than $20,000.

Well I drove 1 kid to school, then the other, then went to work, then to pick up glasses, then to pick up kid, then to therapist then fixed dinner. Now I am tired.

Puzzled Heart, you are right, he is totally messing with my mind. Sending me sad or cryptic emails. I set up a time for him to pick his stuff up from garage when kids and I weren't home and he didnt come. Then said he would email me at 5 and didn't. I know...I shouldn't be surprised. It's both frustrating and sad. And yes, I know I should just set a date and then tell him after that I am donating it. Send me strength.

PuzzledHeart

I'm sending strength on the SR Express!

LexieCat

Then it was a $20,000 bad investment. Look at it this way, if he actually ever DOES recover, that might be part of his amends (not that you should count on it). But really, unless he gets his sh*t together you will never see a dime of what he owes you anyway. And the longer this goes on, the more he is costing you--the tab is actually going up, not down, over time.

If you feel like pursuing it, talk to a lawyer about how you might recover some of that money. If there's no way, write it off. You might even be able to do that literally--talk to an accountant about whether you could take a deduction for the loss of money that he owes you. According to the IRS website: I'm not a tax law expert, but it might be worth it to find out.