Abort mission!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just one other thought. Maybe I've been doing this too long, but is there any chance he found out about your plans and the "dream" he was telling you about was a ploy to derail your plans? It all just seems awfully coincidental and, in my experience, when you're dealing with an abuser there are few coincidences. Any chance he's gotten into your cell phone or email or browsing history?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Lexie, I had thought of that ,
But I know this is not the case: he lacks access or technical know how.
Also: it is simply a manifestation of his guilt/habits. The timing of us having a serious talk, him spiraling and me detaching, is almost to the exact date from two years ago when I eventually left with the children.
But I know this is not the case: he lacks access or technical know how.
Also: it is simply a manifestation of his guilt/habits. The timing of us having a serious talk, him spiraling and me detaching, is almost to the exact date from two years ago when I eventually left with the children.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
He's already got you talking about separation instead of divorce and sleeping in bed with him again.
Slippery slope...be careful. I don't think this is even conscious manipulation at this point, it's just his instincts taking over to protect the status quo, which protects his addiction. There are few things more powerful in human behavior than the fear of change and the clinging to old patterns.
Be smart and be safe and take nothing at face value.
Sending you a hug.
Slippery slope...be careful. I don't think this is even conscious manipulation at this point, it's just his instincts taking over to protect the status quo, which protects his addiction. There are few things more powerful in human behavior than the fear of change and the clinging to old patterns.
Be smart and be safe and take nothing at face value.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I think you handled this beautifully! I especially like what you wrote..."This is going to happen...this is not his choice, anymore".
Oh, I expect him to "work you"...he will probably try every single angle and push every single button that has worked for him in the past....
Remember not to JADE...Justify...Argue...Defend....Explain your position....
Because it will just be wasting your breath....
He brought every bit of this on himself....you have already given him too many passes and it didn't do a thing!
Stay strong and use your safety plan if you need to....
Oh, I expect him to "work you"...he will probably try every single angle and push every single button that has worked for him in the past....
Remember not to JADE...Justify...Argue...Defend....Explain your position....
Because it will just be wasting your breath....
He brought every bit of this on himself....you have already given him too many passes and it didn't do a thing!
Stay strong and use your safety plan if you need to....
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
You're doing great! Your calm resolve is scaring him to death. Buckle up, Buttercup (and I mean this lovingly) - he will likely become undone when it sinks in you actually mean business this time. Stay safe and please keep us updated!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by thousandwords53 
Typical things like I've postdrinking "healthy" also known as WATER... and telling me about it..
Stay strong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Dandy: Things are "ok"...nothing has really happened? He is digging his heels in passively (not even on purpose I believe) he is taking a few superficial steps to try and bandaid this whole thing...so I will have to reiterate to him that this is going to happen and we need to set a date for him to be out of the family home. I have my backup plans ready but he is really good at deflecting blame and I need to not JADE at this point like you had said, because I am certain I have given him enough chances.
I did not sleep in our bedroom last night so take that! Haha.
But I am ok, just frustrated and confused? But I'm not giving up.
Feeling great: I am glad you enjoyed my humor even in times like these. Sorry about the coffee out your nose though! Ouch haha
Thank you all for your encouragement and insight. MUCH APPRECIATED
I did not sleep in our bedroom last night so take that! Haha.
But I am ok, just frustrated and confused? But I'm not giving up.
Feeling great: I am glad you enjoyed my humor even in times like these. Sorry about the coffee out your nose though! Ouch haha
Thank you all for your encouragement and insight. MUCH APPRECIATED
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords.....I think you might be mislabeling fear as "confusion".
I don't think you are confused, at all. You are , actually, seeing things more clearly than ever, I think....
Naturally, you are going to have fears...to be shaky in the knees...when you are doing life changing actions....that is the way all of us humans are about change (even good change)....
the important thing is that you are doing what you now know is the best thing for you and your family....
Your hidden courage will always show up at just the second that you need for it to....
Some of the most heroic things that have been done were not done because the person felt bold and courageous...but, that they acted in spite of shaking knees....
You are doing fine.....
I don't think you are confused, at all. You are , actually, seeing things more clearly than ever, I think....
Naturally, you are going to have fears...to be shaky in the knees...when you are doing life changing actions....that is the way all of us humans are about change (even good change)....
the important thing is that you are doing what you now know is the best thing for you and your family....
Your hidden courage will always show up at just the second that you need for it to....
Some of the most heroic things that have been done were not done because the person felt bold and courageous...but, that they acted in spite of shaking knees....
You are doing fine.....
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
But I know this is not the case: he lacks access or technical know how.
I thought my exah lacked technical know how. He pretended he didn't even know how to text, had no computer or computer skills and did not have access to my phone. I found out he had been reading all my posts here and had somehow got hold of my phone ( possibly when I was asleep) and sent texts to people in my contacts he had grievances with. The texts were so bad one person blocked me. He had the ability to cover his tracks too. I never knew until someone realised it was him and warned me. I would not rule anything out. They are sneaky and feign ignorance to put us off guard.
I thought my exah lacked technical know how. He pretended he didn't even know how to text, had no computer or computer skills and did not have access to my phone. I found out he had been reading all my posts here and had somehow got hold of my phone ( possibly when I was asleep) and sent texts to people in my contacts he had grievances with. The texts were so bad one person blocked me. He had the ability to cover his tracks too. I never knew until someone realised it was him and warned me. I would not rule anything out. They are sneaky and feign ignorance to put us off guard.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
But I know this is not the case: he lacks access or technical know how.
I thought my exah lacked technical know how. He pretended he didn't even know how to text, had no computer or computer skills and did not have access to my phone. I found out he had been reading all my posts here and had somehow got hold of my phone ( possibly when I was asleep) and sent texts to people in my contacts he had grievances with. The texts were so bad one person blocked me. He had the ability to cover his tracks too. I never knew until someone realised it was him and warned me. I would not rule anything out. They are sneaky and feign ignorance to put us off guard.
I thought my exah lacked technical know how. He pretended he didn't even know how to text, had no computer or computer skills and did not have access to my phone. I found out he had been reading all my posts here and had somehow got hold of my phone ( possibly when I was asleep) and sent texts to people in my contacts he had grievances with. The texts were so bad one person blocked me. He had the ability to cover his tracks too. I never knew until someone realised it was him and warned me. I would not rule anything out. They are sneaky and feign ignorance to put us off guard.
The only worry I have is if he has landed here and read these posts. Some of my plan may be revealed, but maybe he will read my posts and learn something, maybe get an idea of what it's like to be in my shoes... I would also hope he might stumble upon the forum sections that pertain more to helping him.
Maybe he will read that I am serious this time...and if he really loves me as much as he says he does, he would honor my wishes of space and time.
Dandy, maybe you are right I'm not confused...I am fearing that I will have to do what I've hoped I didn't have to do...and that is no longer playing it nice...I will have to play hard ball and use portions of my backup plan. A big fear I have is being "the bad guy" and the fallout following it all. But he has left me with no other choice at this point.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by thousandwords53
Some of my plan may be revealed, but maybe he will read my posts and learn something, maybe get an idea of what it's like to be in my shoes... I would also hope he might stumble upon the forum sections that pertain more to helping him.
Maybe he will read that I am serious this time...and if he really loves me as much as he says he does, he would honor my wishes of space and time.
Maybe he will read that I am serious this time...and if he really loves me as much as he says he does, he would honor my wishes of space and time.
I am fearing that I will have to do what I've hoped I didn't have to do...and that is no longer playing it nice...I will have to play hard ball and use portions of my backup plan. A big fear I have is being "the bad guy" and the fallout following it all.
lol... He will never get it.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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passive is active. you set a date. you set a date. you set a date. bless you, "we need to set a date" means absolutely nothing. It equals zero and is exactly the door alcoholics need to make sure something does not happen at all, or will happen as late as possible. everybody here is being nice but, IMHO, you are being worked. you set a date. you set a date. you set a date.
and, if you don't set a date, please consider investigating what it is about you that won't set a date. if you can't, it's not a little problem, it's a HUGE problem.
take care and good luck, especially to your children who are the biggest victims of his alcoholism. set a date. slow or stop the damage. protect your children from more years of this chaos.
from one who didn't and can't go back and save his child from how her mother's alcoholism followed her into adulthood. i tell you now, when they are 21 years old you sure as hell don't want to live with the guilt i live with now as i watch my child make decisions about who she dates-- alcoholic/addicts, each and every one of them.
good luck.
Cyranoak-- Dad of the Decade
and, if you don't set a date, please consider investigating what it is about you that won't set a date. if you can't, it's not a little problem, it's a HUGE problem.
take care and good luck, especially to your children who are the biggest victims of his alcoholism. set a date. slow or stop the damage. protect your children from more years of this chaos.
from one who didn't and can't go back and save his child from how her mother's alcoholism followed her into adulthood. i tell you now, when they are 21 years old you sure as hell don't want to live with the guilt i live with now as i watch my child make decisions about who she dates-- alcoholic/addicts, each and every one of them.
good luck.
Cyranoak-- Dad of the Decade
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes set that date.
There is nothing "not intentional" about what he is doing right now. From his "faux" dream (yeah, mine had that same dream its amazing isn't it they dream the same!). Every move he is making is with intent, and deliberate manipulation to keep you from doing what you are doing. All the way down the marriage counseling.
You can be nice even when you are having to hardball someone. need to understand your AH is in denial that this is actually going to happen. Keep sleeping on the couch. I had some hotel stays during my recent break up which were integral for my X to understand I meant it - DONE.
I am very much in agreement with Cyranoak - YOU set a date. Forget WE, there is no WE. You wait for a WE you'll still be here in a year wondering when AH is going to set that date with you.
and if he really loves me as much as he says he does, he would honor my wishes of space and time.
Mmmmmmmm. I wouldn't put any stock into this statement. People can love people a lot and not go the distance to "prove" it. If he loved you as much as he says he loves you - then he wouldn't be drinking right? So why expect that his "love" is going to be provable in other actions since it isn't enough to get in recovery and stay there? I think you are sadly mistaken to think he will hop on board the A train to prove anything. Even an alcoholic knows that moving out is serious consequence - out of the house means YOU are more likely to really like your life with out the drunk in it. I'm not saying that I think he won't cooperate with the move - but you are going to have to be the one to enforce it.
There is nothing "not intentional" about what he is doing right now. From his "faux" dream (yeah, mine had that same dream its amazing isn't it they dream the same!). Every move he is making is with intent, and deliberate manipulation to keep you from doing what you are doing. All the way down the marriage counseling.
You can be nice even when you are having to hardball someone. need to understand your AH is in denial that this is actually going to happen. Keep sleeping on the couch. I had some hotel stays during my recent break up which were integral for my X to understand I meant it - DONE.
I am very much in agreement with Cyranoak - YOU set a date. Forget WE, there is no WE. You wait for a WE you'll still be here in a year wondering when AH is going to set that date with you.
and if he really loves me as much as he says he does, he would honor my wishes of space and time.
Mmmmmmmm. I wouldn't put any stock into this statement. People can love people a lot and not go the distance to "prove" it. If he loved you as much as he says he loves you - then he wouldn't be drinking right? So why expect that his "love" is going to be provable in other actions since it isn't enough to get in recovery and stay there? I think you are sadly mistaken to think he will hop on board the A train to prove anything. Even an alcoholic knows that moving out is serious consequence - out of the house means YOU are more likely to really like your life with out the drunk in it. I'm not saying that I think he won't cooperate with the move - but you are going to have to be the one to enforce it.
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