thousandwords53

So scrap my grand plan, things just went down this morning.

I told him he needed to move out, get help. Kids and I are staying put.
It went smoothly and no drama due to timing which I am so thankful for.

so relieved and overwhelmed. I will update this later.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug. Keep us posted.

SparkleKitty

Big hugs 1Kwords!

Ariesagain

Maybe call your lawyer? He may have gone quietly now, but it may not last. He wouldn't be the first to stomp back in like nothing happened and even if it did, it was your fault anyway.

Maudcat

Sending you good thoughts.

atalose

I wouldn’t scrap that grand plan just yet!! You told him he needed to move out and get help. And just because there was no drama doesn’t mean he’s actually going to just go along with it.

Just a few days ago you were feeling guilty about possibly having to get a restraining order. I have no doubt that you felt strong today in telling him how you feel and what you want, which was great. Just don’t count on him going away that easy. Still be very cautious, still keep in touch with the DV counselor and have no doubt about having to do your grand plan.

Be safe!!!

Westexy

It's all going to be ok 1000words. Thanks for letting us know and hugs to you big time. I agree with the advice above. Call your attorney asap. I think there are typically advantages to being the first to file for divorce (if that's where you're headed). In my case, we shortened the typical period between serving papers and the temporary orders hearing, not giving my AH a lot of time to ruminate and potentially come up with plans of attack. AH ended up reacting completely differently than I anticipated so the short time frame didn't make a huge difference, but it was a relief to blow through all the initial legal stuff quickly.

FireSprite

Just keep doing The Next Right Thing. ((((((Hugs))))))

hearthealth

Just because he went peacefully doesn't mean he's not scheming. Don't quit just because he didn't argue today. He will do what's in his best interest to look good, for leverage later. Keep on preserving your needs. He may change his tune as things continue to advance.

thousandwords53

Thank you all. Yes, I still need to figure out how to navigate this a bit. I will certainly be following through with this however need be. And as soon as the office opens I am alerting them to file.

hopeful4

Often it does not happen the way we see it in our heads, or at least it sure did not for me.

I agree with the others. Sending you hugs and peace.

LexieCat

Have you taken steps to protect yourself? Copies of all important papers? Any money in a separate account (in case he tries to clean out any joint accounts--you'd probably get the money eventually but best to have a little bit socked away)? A safety plan from the DV folks (I'd check in with them and let them know what's happening and to get any advice they can offer)?

Hopefully he will go quietly, but your concerns were not baseless, so stay alert.

Wisconsin

Proceed cautiously. I had a similar talk with my STBXAH, and the very next morning it was business as usual and he acted like nothing had happened. That was the day I started my own search for an apartment.

thousandwords53

Three times in past attempts nothing happened but this time I am strong enough to enforce it. I have some money and should be ok. My mind is just trying to catch up

firebolt

(((HUGS))) You are doing the right things!! I hope you have the most peaceful evening - you've earned it.

Kboys

Big hugs and stay safe TW!!!!!

maia1234

TW,
Make sure you have a back up plan just in case. You have no idea what he will do. Please stay safe. Keep your phone near you at all times.

For any reason, please don't hesitate to call the cops and give them a heads up. They can do drive byes to make sure his car is not in the drive way. Please don't underestimate an angry drunk. A's don't usually give up that easy.

Stay safe my friend!!

thousandwords53

My mind is blank right now, but I want to document and update.

So yesterday he woke up from a bad dream. He mentioned a few catastrophes including him waking up and the kids and I were gone. He was shaken up and asked if that was going to happen. I was calm and said, no we aren't going anywhere but why do you think you're worried about that?"

He asked if I loved him, and I said yes I do. This isn't about love.

He said I don't think you're IN Love with me.

And I said that might be true, right now, but nothing has changed because nothing has changed and I'm done.

He was scared by my calmness I think.
His first excuse was he knew he was working too much.
Then he wanted marriage counseling and I said no. Not until you get yourself straight then we can talk. I told him I did not want to live with him while he goes through any recovery. He then asked where the kids and I will go...and I said that we are not going anywhere so it's easier on them. So then he realized I was expecting him to move out.

Which spiraled into him worrying about how he will pay child support when he will have his own budget to maintain while I stay in the house...how that means he will have to work more, and if that means he has to work on a weekend he has the kids then what? How will that work? I said we will worry about this stuff another day. He was focused on the finances and how it will pencil out....I kept it cool and casual to keep him cooperative. I mentioned a legal separation but for real this time. And with no promises after any certain amount of time. If I had said divorce right away I would have lost him, and I didn't want any dramatics.

I do not think he even heard me he was unfortunately focused on money.

He texted me a few times from work to ask if it was someone else...again...NO. This is not what this is about.

Also to ask about our medical coverage so he must be looking into some sort of doctor visit or something. I dunno. I just hope he makes this easy and realizes this is going to happen whether he wants it to or not. This is not his choice anymore.

It was a quiet evening last night, he came home so I need to give him a deadline to find a place. I also tried to sleep on the couch to prove a point. But he kept checking on me and eventually I just came back to bed so I could sleep. I'm kind of annoyed I did that.

So yeah that's that.

Also, I let it flow on the fly. I did not reveal or discard any of my backup plans. I will see if anyone offers their opinions on our exchange...but I have no grand hopes it will remain this easy.

LexieCat

I have a feeling he won't go quietly. He will start "working" you, and possibly getting drunk and enraged if it looks like that's not working. Yes, keep your plan in place. I have a feeling you will wind up needing it--or parts of it--before this is over.

thousandwords53

"Working me" - yes he does that and already is. Typical things like I've posted in the past...white knuckling, drinking "healthy" also known as WATER... and telling me about it..a few things are showing already just in the first 24 hours..

Thank you for reminding me of these "small" details Lexie.