Too many things on my mind.
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Too many things on my mind.
So here I am again, with so much on my mind. I feel in a way, that I messed up in my talk with AH. He did not move out- but went cold turkey.
I feel disappointed that he didn’t move out. In a way, I feel that I am just done being with him, hurt too much. I am happy, with 7 days in, with his effort at change, and when I am with him I do feel love towards him. But when I have time to myself to think, I still feel like I really need a few months to figure out what I want. I may still want to be married to him, but i’m not sure. And I hate that.
I look everyday at affordable housing options for me and the kids, even have an appt Saturday to view an apartment. But I have this knot in my stomach that once again
I will be blind siding him with this decision/these thoughts.
Even though in appearances he has made changes, I don’t FEEL like there have been any. If that makes any sense? And I am realizing that I have already checked out of this marriage more than I realized.
Is there anything that comes to mind to you knowledgeable folk as you ready my ramblings? Thanks in advance
~S
I feel disappointed that he didn’t move out. In a way, I feel that I am just done being with him, hurt too much. I am happy, with 7 days in, with his effort at change, and when I am with him I do feel love towards him. But when I have time to myself to think, I still feel like I really need a few months to figure out what I want. I may still want to be married to him, but i’m not sure. And I hate that.
I look everyday at affordable housing options for me and the kids, even have an appt Saturday to view an apartment. But I have this knot in my stomach that once again
I will be blind siding him with this decision/these thoughts.
Even though in appearances he has made changes, I don’t FEEL like there have been any. If that makes any sense? And I am realizing that I have already checked out of this marriage more than I realized.
Is there anything that comes to mind to you knowledgeable folk as you ready my ramblings? Thanks in advance
~S
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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I have been exactly where you are. Felt the same way you are feeling. I lucked out as my AH was given an opportunity to make a fresh start in a new state. So we really were not separated in a true sense but he was gone! Gone from the house, the area....it was liberating. He was gone for 9 months and it gave me the liberty to become my old self again, to really work my program.
I could ramble on but in the end it is your choice. Follow your instincts. Separation is ok and it doesn't mean it has to be final. It would give you the time you need to gather your thoughts.
If you are interested I could share more with you in a PM. Don't want to take over your post with my long drawn out story.
Take care
I could ramble on but in the end it is your choice. Follow your instincts. Separation is ok and it doesn't mean it has to be final. It would give you the time you need to gather your thoughts.
If you are interested I could share more with you in a PM. Don't want to take over your post with my long drawn out story.
Take care
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Yes that would be lovely. I invite your long drawn out story - I feel like I come here daily just to absorb other's stories to make me feel like I'm not alone. Then I post my sob story into the SR universe just to get it off my chest. Then someone replies and it literally makes my day lol.
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There's a very interesting book that helped me understand the process as I went through the last three breakups of long-term relationships (two marriages and a six-year LTR). It's called, "Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships" by Diane Vaughan. In her study (she's a sociologist), she found that usually one partner is ready to leave the relationship well before the other has a clue. And that often the relationship continues for a while, as the leaving partner consciously or unconsciously tries to persuade the other that breaking up is for the best. Very interesting and enlightening book.
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I will be blind siding him with this decision/these thoughts.
I wanted to have a big drawn out talk with my ex about why I was leaving, etc. I think there was a part of me that still hoped he would see he was going to lose everything and decide to get sober to keep our family together.
He ended up going on a massive bender the week before I left. Zero possibility of having a rational conversation with him. As an added bonus he cornered my oldest son and I in the living room one night and physically threatened us and verbally abused my son (and I was hoping to "keep the family together" Yeah, I was insane). Screaming at an 11 year old boy who just lost his father "hey TJ, where is YOUR dad you little mf?"
I packed the entire week without him noticing. Now I look back and wonder wtf I was thinking. There was nothing to "keep together" with this man, but at the time I felt so guilty about "blindsiding" him.
Once you get to the point where you're contemplating leaving like that, there is no family to keep together, nothing to feel guilty about. If a rational discussion could happen between the two of you, if this could be fixed, then you wouldn't be contemplating taking the kids and leaving.
Let go of the guilt. Let go of how he will feel about this. That's not going to help you or your kids.
I wanted to have a big drawn out talk with my ex about why I was leaving, etc. I think there was a part of me that still hoped he would see he was going to lose everything and decide to get sober to keep our family together.
He ended up going on a massive bender the week before I left. Zero possibility of having a rational conversation with him. As an added bonus he cornered my oldest son and I in the living room one night and physically threatened us and verbally abused my son (and I was hoping to "keep the family together" Yeah, I was insane). Screaming at an 11 year old boy who just lost his father "hey TJ, where is YOUR dad you little mf?"
I packed the entire week without him noticing. Now I look back and wonder wtf I was thinking. There was nothing to "keep together" with this man, but at the time I felt so guilty about "blindsiding" him.
Once you get to the point where you're contemplating leaving like that, there is no family to keep together, nothing to feel guilty about. If a rational discussion could happen between the two of you, if this could be fixed, then you wouldn't be contemplating taking the kids and leaving.
Let go of the guilt. Let go of how he will feel about this. That's not going to help you or your kids.
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I have finally come to the conclusion that I was so addicted to my xah that I couldn't say no, just like them.
It is a process every day to stop the enabling, the guilt, feeling so sorry for them. This is an addiction that I need to stay strong and take care of myself. Its so funny how you feel sorry for the addict, but you are just as bad as them, addicted to them!!
TW- when you are ready you will get your stuff and move on. Don't force yourself to do something that you are not ready for. Then, you make mistakes. You will know when that time is right. Trust yourself.
All I want you to know is that you will be ok, we are here for you, so you will never be alone!! (((((((((hugs)))))))))
It is a process every day to stop the enabling, the guilt, feeling so sorry for them. This is an addiction that I need to stay strong and take care of myself. Its so funny how you feel sorry for the addict, but you are just as bad as them, addicted to them!!
TW- when you are ready you will get your stuff and move on. Don't force yourself to do something that you are not ready for. Then, you make mistakes. You will know when that time is right. Trust yourself.
All I want you to know is that you will be ok, we are here for you, so you will never be alone!! (((((((((hugs)))))))))
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thousandwords, I don't think he is blindsided. He is not mentally deficient--he knows the deal. He just isn't ready to do what he would need to do. He just isn't.
It sounds to me like you have been in the silent process of separating for a while, anyway.
This is how we prepare for change.
Thinking about it...fantasizing how you could survive....etc.
Much like the forcythia bushes are making their "silent preparation", right now..even in frozen January. The buds are beginning tiny, almost not noticable swelling..responding to the moisture and the changes in light and temperature...preparing for the sap to rise..
Then, one day in the spring-- they will come forth..."apparently" (wink, wink)OVERNIGHT.
A bright yellow riot of color!
In any relationship...when I could admit, to myself, that I had lost that "lovin feelin'"...it was over. I never, ever, got it back, again.
When it is over...it is over.
thousand words...this has been my personal experience
dandylion
It sounds to me like you have been in the silent process of separating for a while, anyway.
This is how we prepare for change.
Thinking about it...fantasizing how you could survive....etc.
Much like the forcythia bushes are making their "silent preparation", right now..even in frozen January. The buds are beginning tiny, almost not noticable swelling..responding to the moisture and the changes in light and temperature...preparing for the sap to rise..
Then, one day in the spring-- they will come forth..."apparently" (wink, wink)OVERNIGHT.
A bright yellow riot of color!
In any relationship...when I could admit, to myself, that I had lost that "lovin feelin'"...it was over. I never, ever, got it back, again.
When it is over...it is over.
thousand words...this has been my personal experience
dandylion
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Two things to share come to mind when I read your post. I'm sorry but I don't remember enough of your history to know if it will resonate - so just ignore if it doesn't. 
.
First - a very big part of how my co-dependency manifested was in manipulation. I did not know how to get my needs met in a straight forward way. I manipulated people and events in very premeditated ways in order to get specific outcomes. It is all I knew. So when I wanted out of my marriage I would try to lead my ah into making that happen. This could be conversations that I felt would elicit certain responses, or doing x, y, and z in order to get back around to where I wanted to be. I wasn't doing it in a mean spirited way but clearly it was not a good. I can just ask out right for what I want/need. I should. I'm much better today but it is still work. It is empowering and gets me unstuck.
Second - I wanted him to do something terrible so I would have permission to leave. That is why I was so pissed when he ran off to rehab. The thing is I was the only one I needed permission from!! I learned (with help from SR.) that I can give myself permission to honor my needs, my past, and all that has brought me to the here and now. It doesn't matter what he does from this moment forward - I can give my permission to act based on what has already happened.
There is a 'Bill of Rights' in the stickies on the adult children of alcoholics forum. I wore myself out reading those!! You might want to check them out.
. First - a very big part of how my co-dependency manifested was in manipulation. I did not know how to get my needs met in a straight forward way. I manipulated people and events in very premeditated ways in order to get specific outcomes. It is all I knew. So when I wanted out of my marriage I would try to lead my ah into making that happen. This could be conversations that I felt would elicit certain responses, or doing x, y, and z in order to get back around to where I wanted to be. I wasn't doing it in a mean spirited way but clearly it was not a good. I can just ask out right for what I want/need. I should. I'm much better today but it is still work. It is empowering and gets me unstuck.
Second - I wanted him to do something terrible so I would have permission to leave. That is why I was so pissed when he ran off to rehab. The thing is I was the only one I needed permission from!! I learned (with help from SR.) that I can give myself permission to honor my needs, my past, and all that has brought me to the here and now. It doesn't matter what he does from this moment forward - I can give my permission to act based on what has already happened.
There is a 'Bill of Rights' in the stickies on the adult children of alcoholics forum. I wore myself out reading those!! You might want to check them out.
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Thank you all for the responses, I took the time to read them all, but had a busy week and couldn't respond.
That is correct, about waiting or looking for a big huge event or fight to come up to give me a reason. Its not like in the movies where there's a big blow up and then you move out. At least not for me. If anything, a drunken/verbally abusive night would follow a morning of him acting like all was well, leaving me confused long enough to forget for the time being and take any stream out of my motivation.
And I am just realizing that through my actions, in a non mean or controlling way, I do give him reasons/permission to leave or be unhappy with me. Ie, not folding laundry because he expects it, being hard headed in my agenda.
I bought "Codependant No More" yesterday and have almost finished it lol.
That is correct, about waiting or looking for a big huge event or fight to come up to give me a reason. Its not like in the movies where there's a big blow up and then you move out. At least not for me. If anything, a drunken/verbally abusive night would follow a morning of him acting like all was well, leaving me confused long enough to forget for the time being and take any stream out of my motivation.
And I am just realizing that through my actions, in a non mean or controlling way, I do give him reasons/permission to leave or be unhappy with me. Ie, not folding laundry because he expects it, being hard headed in my agenda.
I bought "Codependant No More" yesterday and have almost finished it lol.
Last edited by thousandwords53; 01-30-2015 at 07:21 AM. Reason: typos
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Glad you bought the book AND are reading it!
How goes your cold turkey? Still sober? Mine went around 45 days. He switched to hard liquor and got mean as a snake when he relapsed. Some folks set up a relapse plan of action that both of you agree to. If he relapses, he'll do X. If you realize he has relapsed, you have the right to do X and notify Y to help your A.
Peace today 1,000 words!
How goes your cold turkey? Still sober? Mine went around 45 days. He switched to hard liquor and got mean as a snake when he relapsed. Some folks set up a relapse plan of action that both of you agree to. If he relapses, he'll do X. If you realize he has relapsed, you have the right to do X and notify Y to help your A.
Peace today 1,000 words!
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53 
But I have this knot in my stomach that once again I will be blind siding him with this decision/these thoughts.
Even though in appearances he has made changes, I don’t FEEL like there have been any. If that makes any sense? And I am realizing that I have already checked out of this marriage more than I realized.
~S
Even though in appearances he has made changes, I don’t FEEL like there have been any. If that makes any sense? And I am realizing that I have already checked out of this marriage more than I realized.
~S
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Refiner,
Your reply hit home. Hard. Thank you.
I am exhausted, as you said, from all of the withdrawals, and for being tough and constant for my little ones: but at my expense. And while I was being tough inwardly, I was also putty in his hands since it was "easier".
I have an appointment at 11:00 to walk through the apartment. I drove by it today. It feels right.
Your reply hit home. Hard. Thank you.
I am exhausted, as you said, from all of the withdrawals, and for being tough and constant for my little ones: but at my expense. And while I was being tough inwardly, I was also putty in his hands since it was "easier".
I have an appointment at 11:00 to walk through the apartment. I drove by it today. It feels right.
Last edited by thousandwords53; 01-30-2015 at 04:25 PM. Reason: oops
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I got approved for my own little house for me and my kids. I am so scared and excited I feel like I am going to hurl. My best friend has offered to help me if I am short on my security deposit. I have never felt so much in a crossroads as I do right this moment.
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I'm guessing you have that little feeling of hope beginning to blossom in your heart--
one you are almost afraid to trust?
The hope you can have peace and freedom and not have to worry or manage
someone else's "stuff" and that your kids can laugh and twirl and be safe emotionally in their own home?
If so, I think you are very much on the right track.
As someone who grew up without that, in an unsafe environment with an addicted parent
who always had to be the center and cause drama in the family,
I can tell you that I lost my childhood in so many ways but you are taking the
hard first steps to make sure your children get their childhoods, and will have every chance to be
happy, well-adjusted adults rather then "survivors".
Your space for your healing and that of your children sounds pretty darn good.
You can make your little house a haven of peace and serenity and joy.
Hugs on having the courage to act
one you are almost afraid to trust?
The hope you can have peace and freedom and not have to worry or manage
someone else's "stuff" and that your kids can laugh and twirl and be safe emotionally in their own home?
If so, I think you are very much on the right track.
As someone who grew up without that, in an unsafe environment with an addicted parent
who always had to be the center and cause drama in the family,
I can tell you that I lost my childhood in so many ways but you are taking the
hard first steps to make sure your children get their childhoods, and will have every chance to be
happy, well-adjusted adults rather then "survivors".
Your space for your healing and that of your children sounds pretty darn good.
You can make your little house a haven of peace and serenity and joy.
Hugs on having the courage to act
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Somehow I missed this thread. ThousandWords, your courage and strength have been a source of wonderful help for me. Thanks for sharing here. This has been a very helpful thread. Best wishes on your journey with your children. May good memories be made and shared!
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Know the Triggers, I still need to respond to you PM! Sorry things have been crazy busy.
Yes, I do feel and see that glimmer of excitement and hope thinking of my own abode. And I think i figured out how I'm feeling about it, a better word than blindsided, would be I feel deceitful. Planning to move into a new home, deposits, and filling out paperwork. I feel like I'm living a double life.
He mentioned drinking a beer at the end of his work day, a "celebratory" beer as a coworker was leaving for another job. He told me nonchalantly just recounting his day. But my mind got hung up on that tidbit of info.
So he is not abstaining 100%.
You all keep me feeling sane and focused.
Yes, I do feel and see that glimmer of excitement and hope thinking of my own abode. And I think i figured out how I'm feeling about it, a better word than blindsided, would be I feel deceitful. Planning to move into a new home, deposits, and filling out paperwork. I feel like I'm living a double life.
He mentioned drinking a beer at the end of his work day, a "celebratory" beer as a coworker was leaving for another job. He told me nonchalantly just recounting his day. But my mind got hung up on that tidbit of info.
So he is not abstaining 100%.
You all keep me feeling sane and focused.
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