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Update, feeling more confused

Old 01-27-2017, 07:39 PM
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Update, feeling more confused

I posted around a month ago about leaving an alcoholic boyfriend. I had given him so many chances to get his act together, but he continued to drink and verbally abuse me. I packed my car for California (this is where my family is, but we had a home in Pennsylvania), left a note for him, took our puppy and drove across the country with a broken heart and in shock about what I had just done. It took everything in me to not turn the car around.

Since then he has been in touch with me. He said he is getting outpatient treatment now and he told all his family and friends about his problem...this is something he never did and he made me swear I would not tell anyone about his problem. He says that I am right and it took me leaving for him to realize he has to get help. He is begging me to come back to PA, making promises he is going to be better because he realizes what he lost. I told him if he is serious, he can move to California and that I would not leave my family and support system here to be stuck in a bad sitauation again. He is telling me it would be impossible for him to do that and California was never in our "plan." Now I am stuck, I can't believe any of the words he says to me since he has lied so much in the past about his drinking.

What do I do? I am scared if I cut off communication completely he will go off the deep end.

Thanks for any thoughts/guidance. ❤
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Old 01-27-2017, 08:22 PM
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If he was serious about his recovery, it would not depend on you turning your life upside down for him.

If it were me, I would tell him to call me when he has a year sober.

All you have right now are words. All that matters are actions.
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Old 01-27-2017, 08:44 PM
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Exactly. If he's serious about wanting to be sober, your staying in California (an EXCELLENT idea, BTW) will not make him "go off the deep end." Sure, he wants you back there with him. Dollars to donuts if you did that, you would be right back where you started. If he's going off the deep end because you are taking care of YOU, then he's a lousy bet for the long haul anyway. It means he's just making noises and not serious about recovery.

Your being in California, with your support system in place, is absolutely the right place for you to be.
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Old 01-27-2017, 09:56 PM
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Good for you on the move to California!
Living in alcoholism wasn't in your "plan", either.....
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Old 01-27-2017, 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Providence9 View Post
I packed my car for California (this is where my family is, but we had a home in Pennsylvania), left a note for him, took our puppy and drove across the country with a broken heart and in shock about what I had just done. It took everything in me to not turn the car around.
^^^ Been there and boy-howdy was it hard.

Alanon can be helpful for what you are going through and as you have noticed it is super hard to walk/drive/crawl/get-the-heck-out-of-dodge.

I hope you are settling down in California and finding all the support you can get.
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Old 01-28-2017, 02:24 AM
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Providence, I'm so glad you have a home base and support system to go back to! Your road won't be easy even with this in place, but it would be so much harder if you felt all alone, and so much easier for you to fall for his promises now, when nothing is really solid or known.

I agree w/the other posters that it's in your best interest to stay where you are and keep taking care of you. I was taken in more than a few times by XAH's tearful declarations that he was a "very sick person" and that he needed help. They never turned out to be more than words, and he never made more than a token effort, returning to his usual behaviors in no time.

I wish your A all the best and hope his recovery is for real. I also wish YOU success in your own recovery--sending you strength and clarity to stay the course!
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Old 01-28-2017, 03:37 AM
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Thank you for the updare! I am glad that you stayed the course and are staying in CA. I did similar back in October.
Do not fall for his tactics. I, too, was worried about xabf self destructing after I left. He has not. I am not completely n/c, but I am not initiating any messages nor am I saying much to him when he messages me . I love him, but right now I am angry as hades at everything that he did and everything that I allowed him to do to to me.
I see some of his current behaviors and hear his quacks and, well, they are just stupid. It is a different perspective to detach and observe them from afar. It is not easy, but I am trying.
Do not look back. Go forward. Without him.
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Old 01-28-2017, 05:40 AM
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Good Morning

You did the RIGHT thing for YOU. Good for you, dont second guess yourself. As Dandy said, I'm sure your living with HIS alcoholism wasn't in your " plan ". If he's serious about getting help for himself he will do that whether you are with him or not.
Get yourself into some Alanon meetings, take some time for you to get your head on straight. Sometimes we all just need a little space and breathing room to see exactly what has happened. Believe me, I'm 1 1/2 years out from leaving and I still reflect back and think " Huh?"

You'll be fine... Chin up!
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Old 01-28-2017, 07:29 AM
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If he goes off the deep end, because you cut off communication, then he was going to go off the deep end anyway. You did what you needed to do. If you left it at that, where would be no question you did the right thing. Anything else would be taking a chance that might well not be worth it. Maybe you should both just start new chapters in your lives. Both of you may get better....or not. Concentrate on yourself and enjoy the rest of your family. There is something to be said for not living a life of drama. For what it is worth, I was on his end of drama many years ago. Everything turned out best for all. My life is beyond my imagine. Now just take care of yourself and leave his deal to taking care of him. Right now, he likely can't make a promise that he can keep. He will either get better or not, but it is up to him. Just wish him a good life and move on with yours would likely be the best course of action. Don't be confused.
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Old 01-28-2017, 07:52 AM
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Since then he has been in touch with me. He said he is getting outpatient treatment now and he told all his family and friends about his problem...this is something he never did and he made me swear I would not tell anyone about his problem. He says that I am right and it took me leaving for him to realize he has to get help.
First off, that makes no sense at all. If he has told all his family and friends about his issue then why would it be so important to him that you don't tell anyone? hummm

The fact he is placing HIS said recovery on you with the fact that it was all due to you leaving him - offers you a sense of having some control over his addiction, and well as we all know, that is just not true.

So you feel that false sense of control and now it keeps you hostage to his addiction thinking you can help/fix or control it.

What an unloving and manipulative position he has put you in. Don't buy into it. Stay on course of staying exactly where you are surrounded by REAL love and support of your friends and family.

No contact is one of our best tools ever!!!
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Old 01-28-2017, 07:57 AM
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I can't believe any of the words he says to me since he has lied so much in the past about his drinking.
That is exactly right. Your instincts are spot on.

His recovery absolutely positively does NOT depend on you returning to PA. It depends on him and him alone.

Stay in California with your support system. If you go back to PA odds are pretty darn close to 100% you'll be back in the exact same situation you left.
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Old 01-28-2017, 12:12 PM
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What do I do? I am scared if I cut off communication completely he will go off the deep end.

are you sure that's the reason? if he is telling the truth - then it was after you LEFT that he made the decision to do something about his drinking. NOT while you were there. and if he is half serious about sobriety, he can do that all just fine WITHOUT you.

it's only been a month. you've just landed back home. you hardly have your bearings. you traveled a great distance to get away from him and to return to your support system.

go no contact. let him have his life and let him go. free yourself. there is so much more to living than this.
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