Looking for advice

Old 01-27-2017, 11:52 AM
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Looking for advice

I started typing and I was like, no, this is going to be too long. Haha. My brother will be 40 this year. He lives with our mom and can't keep a job because of the drinking. She's told him numerous times to move out because she doesn't want him in her house drinking... Most of the time he just goes back to his room and stays in there drinking. He told me last month he was afraid he was going to kill himself drinking, he had fallen and some glass thing he was holding had went in his neck. Sometimes when she tells him to leave he does, like last night. But then he calls her while he's out sitting in his car somewhere and tells her the same story every single time. He doesn't want to live any more, talks about our dad who died 10 years ago.. She starts crying, especially since her brother killed himself and she tells him to come home. So he does, and just keeps drinking.
She's said she can't live like that anymore and she doesn't even want to because of the hell he puts her through and when she tries to get him to leave he does that to her. She's on some prescription med' for her nerves and depression just because of him. We can't get him to get help or go anywhere.

I'm so sick of him. He's the biggest manipulator. But even if the stuff he says is true about wanting to die he needs to get help and I don't know what we're supposed to do? We've taken him to ERs and they put in him in rehab for like a week if that and let him go. Because when he's sober he knows what to say and tells them nothing's wrong. This has been going on for 12 years.

Any advice? It's not occasional drinking, he drinks days & weeks straight... All the time.
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Old 01-27-2017, 12:04 PM
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What a miserable situation for everyone involved. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.

Unfortunately, until your mother is able to enforce her boundary and not let him back in again, I fear this situation will continue. You cannot control your mother any more than you can control your brother. As long as there are no real consequences for his choices, why should he change?

Have you or your mother ever been to Al-Anon? It has helped a lot people make very big strides in letting go of trying to save their addicted loved ones.
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Old 01-27-2017, 12:35 PM
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Sounds like a rough situation. Really the only solution is to get your mom to put her foot down and kick him out. Look into local homeless shelters or salvation army. Most have great programs that offer addiction support, job placement help, and a place to stay.
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Old 01-27-2017, 12:43 PM
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I think it’s always best that when anyone is threatening to harm himself or herself that you call 911. No second-guessing, thinking maybe it’s manipulation maybe it’s not…………just call 911.

And I agree, without your mom sticking to her boundaries of not allowing him back this situation will play out over and over and over again.

Have you given any thought to talking your mom into going to al-anon or for the both of you to go? How about a counselor that the both of you can talk with?
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Old 01-27-2017, 05:22 PM
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Old 01-27-2017, 05:44 PM
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We did call 911 the time we knew where he was.. Every other time has been after he left and didn't have anywhere to go and we didn't even know where he was. Like last night mom said she kept asking him and he told her he was over an hour away but wouldn't say where. So she just kept telling him to come home. He's taken off many times while drunk and we've both called the police and tried following him but they've only found him once and he was parked on the side of the road asleep so they just called and told mom to come get him. It just makes me sick he puts other people's lives in danger like that all the time. Mom just said yesterday we need to try to record him when he says stuff about hurting himself or someone else so we can show someone. He said something about not wanting to live and that he was just going to kill everyone he sees. We think he might hav a mental condition in addition to the drinking..

We've tried to get him to go alcoholics many times and even offered to go with him but we could never get him to go. I didn't know we could go without him and they could help mom.. I know she needs to get him out of the house and it's hard since he's her son and she's so worried about him. I will definitely tell her about it and see if she'll go with me. Thanks!
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Old 01-27-2017, 06:01 PM
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Al-Anon is different from AA. AA is for alcoholics, to help them get sober and stay that way. Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics, to help them recover from the effects of living with someone else's drinking. Both groups have meetings available almost everywhere. If you google "Al-Anon" and your location you should be able to find listings.
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Old 01-27-2017, 06:22 PM
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misaxrt, I think everyone has good advice for you luv. I just want to share something with you. My mother had two sons die of alcoholism they died young and she spent nearly 20 years in total grief. Yes she enabled their drinking, gave them money for booze, sheltered them and bailed them out over and over again. I had many, "Enough is enough!" conversations with her.
All it ever did was make her sad and make me feel totally helpless. I left home at 17 because I couldn't stand it anymore. Then they died and I had a mom who became totally dependent on me, and it would not have been so bad were she not totally grief stricken.
At some point it is ok for you to think of yourself first. I suggest you allow all of your brother/mother drama to play out and in the meantime you, yourself, find someone to talk to about all that's happening.
You need your head straight so you can go on with your life. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you can't force people to see the light if they refuse. Plugging in here will do no harm and will at least give you a place to vent these feelings.
Hope you stick around.
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Old 01-27-2017, 07:23 PM
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Welcome to SR, misaxrt. Lots of help and support here. My situation is similar to yours, though my sib and mom are quite a bit older than yours. He lives with her, leeches off her, does nothing to help her and is basically a waste of space. This situation is some 30 years along. At this point, I wonder who is going to die first.
I hope it's him, sad to say.
My mother and brother's relationship is so entangled that it is truly unpleasant for me to observe. She is quite old, and needs my help. Otherwise, I would never go there because I have anger and resentment toward my sib.
Al-Anon has helped me deal with some of these emotions. Give it a go.
Sadly, until your mom kicks him out and doesn't let him come back in, which, I must tell you, is IME, not very likely, there isn't much you can do. Things will keep going the way they are going now. Take care of yourself. Your mother's decisions are hers to make, but you can choose not to be pulled into the drama and chaos. Good luck.
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Old 01-28-2017, 03:41 PM
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Some 20 years ago my brother's mother in law kicked out her son who wouldn't stop drinking and at that time he told her and his sister that he never wanted any contact with him again. Ten days ago his body was found in an abandoned trailer in Texas, someone found my sister-in-law's contact information. Her mother, at age 95, said she knew he'd end that way and didn't want to pay funeral expenses (they're sending the ashes to my brother). "He made his decisions," she said. She had two decades to accept the inevitable and I'm glad her remaining years won't be full of grief.

I suggest Alanon, a powerful program for family and friends of alcoholics.
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