LexieCat

I think your threshold for being "impressed" is getting rather low. He acted OK for PART of a day. So you're impressed he's not a jerk 24/7?

I'm not belittling you--just pointing out that this shows how willing you are to settle for crumbs.

hearthealth

I wasn't going to go into a list of how he acted that impressed me. I will give him credit when it's due to him. Doesn't mean I don't think of the other side of my life. He wanted me to go down on my hours again yesterday and I said no. I would love to go down on my hours but I'm not because I'm not willing to say this is good enough.

LexieCat

I think it's great to give credit where it's due. I also think, though, that it's important to be careful about giving someone more credit than he deserves within the context of an abusive relationship.

Glad you are looking out for your financial independence--that's terrific!

AnvilheadII

Husband really stepped up to the plate yesterday. I was impressed.

Of course we had a discussion about issues and he drank very much yesterday. His trigger is time and after 4pm he isn't reliable

HH, i am really worried about your altered sense of reality and normal. he DRANK yesterday. drinking and abuse are the two BIG elephants in your house. and yet you want to give him "way to go" stickers for actually doing...........something. well up until 4 when he gets too drunk.

you can't treat train him like puppy when he doesn't pee on the floor.

HUSBANDS SHOULD STEP UP ALL THE TIME. every day. it shouldn't be SO out of the ordinary, it should be the norm.

husbands should be reliable ALL THE TIME.

we shouldn't have to look quite so hard to FIND something good.

hearthealth

I know what is like a husband to be but maybe it's too lofty goal.

SparkleKitty

It may be too lofty for HIM to meet, but that does not make it too lofty for you to want.

dandylion

Hearthealth....congratulations on standing up for your own welfare. Financial security is very I mportant for you and the kids.

Someone else, here on SR said...."Nothing is more frustrating than expecting something from someone who doesn't have it to give"......
I think you are right--that acting l ike the kind of husband that you have a right to expect may be "too loft of a goal" to expect from him.

Just keep your eye on your goal.....and, you will get there

dandylion

Hearthealth...by the way.....telling him "no" about your hours counts as a good baby step!!......lol......

Every baby step counts!!
Every journey is made up of tiny steps....
How does a jug fill with water? Answer: One drop at a time.

hearthealth

So I'm worried about how to get them out of the house to go to counseling l. I'm also concerned DS11 won't want to come or speak to counselor.

LexieCat

Why not take them during the school day? Just let the school know there's a doctor's appointment and you will be taking the kids for a couple of hours.

I'd get some safety guidance, though. If the kids talk to him about it, there could be repercussions.

As far as your son goes, he has to go with you. You can't force him to talk, but you can make him go. Counselors have ways of getting kids to open up.

AnvilheadII

doesn't it say a lot that you are worried about you and your children leaving the house for an appointment?

11 yr olds don't get to call the shots. he may not want to go, and he may not want to say a word, but he doesn't get to choose to NOT go.

hearthealth

Never once could he initiate something nice because my mom is dying. Never could he pick up the slack without complaining. Never once could he put me first. It's always the way he wants it or he wants to do. If it's my way I always get a discussion. I call never call him from work if he's at home. I rarely get a response of I call him at work. Even if it's about my child's broken thumb.

SparkleKitty

Yes. This is who he is.

LexieCat

Yes, this is who he is. So much of your pain seems to come from expecting it to be different, and being disappointed--crushed--that he isn't any different. You're doing something positive by taking your kids for counseling. Concentrate on that. If you go pick them up from school you don't need an excuse (except for the school).

merhaba

Secrets are the stones that sink the boat.
Take them out. Look at them, throw them out and ......float.
Lemn Sissay

hearthealth

I had a *perfect* example of crumbs and possibly gaslighting, blaming me instead of taking ownership tonight. I can't forget tonights dialogue.

dandylion

hearthealth.....I sense that it is sinking in that you have been climbing a steep hill without any help, and, with a millstone around your neck.....
I think it is good that you can begin saying these things out loud... and get feedback from others...
I think it is, also, good for you to be able to say your fears out loud, here on the forum....as you are among others who understand....and to find out that others have had your same fears, in one form or another....

Continue to remember that even if you are afraid...your inner courage is there and it will come forth and carry you at just the minutes that you need it the most!

You are doing good with your baby steps!!!!

hearthealth

There's a boulder in my path. I've been pushing and pushing it but it won't budge. Yesterday I realized how much easier it is to admit pushing it isn't working *I'll just go around the boulder.* That's my future path.

dandylion

good strategy!

LexieCat

Yup, often regaining our own power (to change the things we can) involves changing our response, rather than the thing that is posing the challenge. Good thinking.