hearthealth

Okay 10 hours later and fear is setting in. It's like what am I doing? It must be a trigger me for him to be in the house. He's now home. It's a light day of drinking. Hes only been home 30 minutes and we're not communicating. He doesn't know about the counseling appointment. He will find out after the event?

LexieCat

Maybe that can be one of the topics you bring up with the counselor. Hopefully, the counselor is familiar with both alcohol and abuse issues. I'm concerned that if you tell him, not only will he potentially flip out on you, but he will pressure the kids about what to say to the counselor.

Another good idea would be to call and discuss your concern with a DV advocate, who might be able to provide you with guidance to make sure you and the kids are safe and that the kids are safe in talking to the counselor.

thousandwords53

I may be wrong here, but why even discuss it? You aren't communicating anyways, and in my experience - AH learning of this would cause abusive behavior...or in the very least him attempting to talk you out of going.

Just carry on with your appointments and keep it between your child and you..who are the ones who need the counseling.

thousandwords53

Lexie, I replied same time as you. Glad I wasn't off base here

hearthealth

??? In what way wouldn't they be safe with the counselor? I had mentioned to husband I think DS needs counseling for his fears. His response was about cost. I can use that as an excuse if it comes out. I eill check into DV.

LexieCat

It's not that they wouldn't be safe with the counselor, it's whether they would FEEL safe--they know what happens if dad isn't pleased about something. And you better believe they will have the sense that this could be dangerous.

The other issue is that they remain safe from your husband's attempts to take it out on them, or to pressure them about what they can/cannot say to the counselor, or to discourage them from talking to the counselor at all.

AnvilheadII

Okay 10 hours later and fear is setting in.

this is your CONDITIONED response. you are going against the RULES. and until now FEAR has prevented you from moving forward. not only the fear of what MIGHT happen, but the known history of what HAS happened.

we cannot express enough that you really need the assistance and support of your DV resource. when we are dealing with abuse, we should not try to manage alone.....too easy to make missteps. and by including your DV office, while held in confidence, your concerns are noted should anything happen.

i suggest you share all of this with the counselor, with the children present. you all need a working PLAN.

dandylion

I agree with the others that you need a plan. That way, you will know what to do if your husband finds out and has a negative reaction.....

In case you have never talked to a dv advocate, before....You will find them to be very understanding and non-judgemental. They are not a government agency...so, your husband will not get in trouble...and, everything is held in strict confidence. They are very dedicated to helping you in whatever way you need...and, they are very dedicated to helping. They see situations like this every day. You can trust them...they know what they are doing.....
They will help you with the details of having an emergency safety plan.....
I think you will feel much more comforted after you have talked to them!

The more help you have in your corner...the better you will feel....

hearthealth

I *don't* trust the DV advocate. When I talked to the women she stated I could be held responsible. If I say to much there will be a home check. H will find out. It will go too fast.

LexieCat

Whoa, wait a minute. You could be held responsible for what? I have a feeling you misunderstood. Depending on the state, there could be a legal obligation to report child abuse. I get the impression the kind of abuse you've talked about, so far as the kids go, is not of the type that would be legally reportable (usually physical or sexual abuse or extreme emotional abuse). Verbal putdowns of the kind he is prone to aren't the type of thing that gets reported.

Also, was this a local advocate you spoke to--one in your state? Did you explain the specifics of what was going on, or just hypothetically asking if one parent could be held legally responsible for the other's abuse of the children? You don't have to give your name or any details when you call, but I'd suggest calling again. Incidentally, to the extent ANY licensed professional learns about child abuse (including the counselor with whom you've made the appointment), there is a legal obligation to report child abuse. So you're not taking any more risk with the advocate than you are with the kids' counselor, their teachers, the school nurse, or anyone else working in a professional capacity.

AnvilheadII

he's going to FIND OUT......one way or another. you need as much support and guidance as you can. if your children are being abused, in any way, you should be grateful there are agencies that care. but if you stay.............things are not going to get better. you will all be living with active addiction and abuse. and you cannot stop him or control him.

LexieCat

One more thought. Just because you're afraid he COULD be violent/dangerous (and he may well be) wouldn't be a basis for any kind of home check or official action. Nobody swoops in and takes kids away or locks anyone up based on fear that something MIGHT happen. You need help with safety planning so nothing bad DOES happen, not to be rescued because you're all being physically abused. I don't see that there is anything to be afraid of in terms of getting that kind of help/guidance.

hearthealth

When I talked to DV I gave some examples. The person on the other end construed something incorrectly. I was nervous talking to her also. She was talking CPS and filing a report. I don't want someone to jump to the wrong conclusion on the other end.
I said he threw a chair and she thought I said threw someone. She asked why I would say that if it didn't happen. I didn't realize until I was off the phone why it turned so awful with this person. I need someone that I can trust not just someone picking up the phone for the day.

LexieCat

Well, it isn't unusual for someone to backpedal when they think CPS is getting involved, so I suspect that's what she thought was going on. As you said, a simple misunderstanding. Advocates are trained to keep everyone's safety at the forefront, so they aren't going to just make a report without trying to figure out the safest way to do so, even if they conclude a report does have to be made. In this case, I can't imagine that they would make a report, but she was being up front with you, which gives you the chance to explain your safety issues if a report were to be made.

The thing is, as I said, potentially ANYONE could make a report. Your neighbors could, if they heard him yelling and weren't sure what was going on. And CPS doesn't exist to break up families. Most often, their response involves offering services and keeping an eye on the situation if it's one they feel they need to keep an eye on.

If you are insistent on keeping things secret from everyone, nobody will be able to help you. You need the help. I think the benefits of working with an advocate FAR outweigh the risks.

hearthealth

I am going through with couseling and working with DV if he recommends it. If CPS gets involved through what the children say I'm ok with that.

I realized I've been conditioned with fear and being nervous. I survey the horizon about everything. Omg that's how I've been living my life.

LexieCat

I'm glad you see that. I understand how scary it is to bring anyone else into your world, but this has to happen, for everyone's safety. Abuse and addiction both thrive on secrecy. When it starts getting shared with others it loses some of its power, and you get a chance to become stronger. There are ways to deal with every situation. You want to find the safest, most effective ways.

AnvilheadII

HH, have you considered that what you describe about life in your house and with him, how he treats you AND the children, is abuse - including child abuse and the DV person had valid reasons for concern? i recall the incident in October when he broke a plate and was pulling the children's HAIR.....throwing chairs, assaulting you verbally, emotionally and physically? and that IT IS that bad? and it will not get better, until you are SAFELY away and protected?

dandylion

Hearthealth.....thinking about you.....how are you doing this morning?

hearthealth

Thanks for bumping. This will be a busy week. Husband really stepped up to the plate yesterday. I was impressed. Of course we had a discussion about issues and he drank very much yesterday. His trigger is time and after 4pm he isn't reliable. Since this week is busy couseling will be next week for the children.

NYCDoglvr

Bingo! I'm a recovering alcoholic and also codependent. When I put off leaving a self-destructive relationship with an alcoholic I saw it as similar to my inability to stop drinking. Denial and rationalization are present in both scenarios.