hearthealth

So I was reading the quackers (I'm not sure what I think of them. Are they PC of we are dealing with a disease.) But there was a post about deadlines coming and going for the A such as New Years. Well isn't that the same with us codependents?
I give reason after reason when I'm leaving and that bottom line gets muddied.
People with strong boundaries would take one instant and be gone, I think. Where me, with weak boundaries, compare and contrast issues. Well this or that isn't as bad as that or this and I didn't leave. How can I leave now? Instead of knowing this is my out.
I have a new boss who is not caring. I'm thinking of leaving. It hit as a trigger. I can't stand being around uncaring people but then... Here I am married, not sticking to a boundary. Why, because of a marriage commitment? Because I don't want to disrupt a way of life I have got use to?

I have been more talkative to husband and he is better but not a life/marriage that I imagined. There was an incident with DS that he could have been mean to and he wasn't. He even pointed out that he kept his cool. Maybe I'm holding on to a change. He was drinking and issues came up. I simply pointed it out. Maybe it's your drinking? And left it at that. Something I would not have done in the past due to his anger issues. He was in complete denial but maybe he was listening? Maybe me changing will change the family? Just venting more than anything. Just talking before I jump into the rapids of divorce.

SparkleKitty

These are good questions to be pondering, whatever you decide.

Bekindalways

"But there was a post about deadlines coming and going for the A such as New Years. Well isn't that the same with us codependents?"

^^^^^Yep Hearthealth, we are very similar to alcoholics. Our addiction is to the relationship with an addict. It is why Alanon is so similar to AA.

Your own changes will absolutely change the family; however probably not your husbands drinking.

The "vent" above shows you are figuring this out. Keep posting and big hug to you!

dandylion

hearthealth.....can you make a list of the major reason that you are fearful of making a change? Like....what about the way of life that you are fearful of losing?
Is it what people will say about you (and marriage commitment)? Who are y ou afraid of...the most.....
etc.
I have found that when I am globally afraid of doing something....if I break it down to smaller specifics .....then I can begin to make baby steps ....
babysteps increase self confidence and makes the fears less overwhelming when viewed, that way.....

If you can share your fears with us....we can help you with babysteps. I doubt that you have one single fear that someone on this forum hasn't faced and, somehow overcome.
(I will bet you three dollars)......

SaveYourHeart

Girl I struggle with boundaries too, because I'm making them "for me". Well, at least I tell myself that. I really make them for him, because I still want to control him. I'm working on it, but it's nice to know that there are others struggling with the same issues. I want to leave, say I'm going to leave, then never leave because I let my fear and comfort control me.

We read something in al-anon the other day about unhappiness, and how it's usually caused by not knowing what we want. I never know what I want (to stay with him and be miserable or leave and face my fears). It made a lot of sense seeing how unhappy I've been lately.

Thank you for sharing!!

hearthealth

Thank you dandylion.
I'm afraid of being financially independent.
I'm afraid I'm not good enough at my job to maintain employment.
I've thought of other occupations but finacially won't be able to swing tuition. I'm also older back to school is a daughting task.

My children will hate me for the change of house, location, school, daycare, routine.
That my relationship with the children will change due to this hatred of me.
Increased hours I will have to work.
Their fear of father.

My husband will get partial custody. Have them solo for more hours then he will have them solo now.
I have less of a vision of what he's doing when he has the children.
That his drinking will escalate.
That he will drink and drive with the children.
That he will block access to me calling and talking to the children.
That he will stall and I have to deal with him and my mother.
That he has a exceptional lawyer.

That future big events, weddings, graduations will be awkward.

That I will have health issues. (though I'm solo anyway dealing with mother)

That he dies due to medical issues and a divorce is unnecessary.

If I stay married. I can go down on my hours. Can do things during the day of my choosing. The children will love me. I deal with him retiring in five years and I'm the main bread winner.

I should back that up that I do have visions of a good happy life being divorced from my husband.

hopeful4

For myself, it took me a long time to get the concept that I was making rules when in my head they were boundaries. All for the XAH. Then I learned boundaries were for ME. It took a lot of nerve to enforce my own boundaries, and lets face it, change is hard.

In my own head, I had to know that I had done EVERY SINGLE THING I could do to keep my marriage afloat. I tried way to hard, because it did not work anyways.

Regardless, I did figure out the difference, and try to stick to both.

Hugs to you.

knowthetriggers

My children will hate me for the change of house, location, school, daycare, routine.
That my relationship with the children will change due to this hatred of me.
************************************************** *********************************

This is so close to home with me because the oldest would be willing to leave and the youngest is like "no way".

Thanks for sharing your list - gives me inspiration to work on my own!

thousandwords53

HH,

Our stories are very much alike. I hate that I have "boundaries"...that have been broken since the get go. I was/am not yet prepared to enforce them, and I really thought that maybe "this time" it wouldn't be an issue...August I almost called it quits but somehow , like always , the status quo went unchanged for AH.
I am giving myself 2 months. My kids will hate this. I will hate doing that to them...AH will react in his way...But I cannot allow this any longer. You can do this. We have to.

dandylion

Hearthealth....congratulations on making the list. Now, you have a concrete list that can be worked on....

And, collectively, we can all help you.....starting with the baby steps....

I am going to "bump" your list to the top of the threads, every day...so you will get lots of input!
(you are going to owe me three dollars...lol)

hearthealth

Thank you, dandylion. I'm pulling out my money now.

Thousandswords, I have cancelled out so many times. I'm kicking myself everytime.

Oh, my mother doesn't think we should divorce. "We have a good thing going." I can't/won't file until after she's gone.

dandylion

hearthealth....that will give you some time to be doing background work.
I am so sorry for what you are going through with your mother. having been there, myself....my heart is going out to you. I hope you can get as much quality time with her, as possible. This is such an important time.....

hearthealth

We can do this. We both need to want it more than the status quo.

It's surprising. I know I have changed since taking him back and finding Alanon and SR. So I think he could change. He has no reason. Part of me says if I leave that he would have to see his part. I don't believe he ever would see his part or change. His family would say, "See we told you she was not the right one."

I wouldn't go back. I would go NC except for the children. I would need a good year of change before I would start dating him again.

I have the plan if I could only leave once again, for good.

thousandwords53

YES. At this point..it's on us. We know what is going on, we know it won't change, and if our AH's do change, while we are still active in the relationship as is..it will only be temporary. I also want to go NC except children...at least a year of sobriety then at that point reassess...something tells me I am done done. Maybe time will heal but I won't count on it. Because his status quo has remained intact, this will be a shock to my AH, even though he should know why it is coming to this.

We have changed and grown... our AH's sound very similar and I honestly doubt that mine will ever truly change or get it. And I have to let that go..that he will "get it" ...I think that is what I have been holding out hope for.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.

hearthealth

We have changed. I know it will be a shock to my husband though if he was intuned tito more than himself it shouldn't be. I'm also concerned about his reaction. it needs to be about me and the children finally not about him. He's had it about himself for the entire relationship.

heartcore

Your list is an excellent and honest one. Nothing is cut & dry. We can have valid reasons for staying and valid reasons for going existing simultaneously and side-by-side. That's just how it is.

I think it just teeters back and forth, and sometimes the teeter totters all the way to one side (remember when you were a kid, and multiple heavier kids one get on one side of the teeter totter and you'd be stuck up in the air on your side?), and we suddenly know what is best.

And sometimes what is best changes.

I do want to address your Quackers comment (about how it may not be PC because this is a disease). My experience (and I dwell on both sides of the forum - as a recovering addict/alcoholic and a recovering co-dependent) is that while there may be biological predispositions and chemical make-ups which do respond to drugs and alcohol in a "hungrier" way - any addict or alcoholic in the world has the choice to quit at any time. It is a difficult road, and often they need medical, psychological and community support, but any addict or alcoholic who remains inside their addiction is indeed choosing (consciously) to remain in addiction.

That being said - I think that sometimes poking fun at the outrageous things that alcoholics/addicts do to justify and cover their continuing addictions - helps those who (in their teeter totter of human relationship) are dealing with those folks on a regular basis...(and heroically too, much of the time).

I guess I'm saying that while alcoholism might be a disease (or biological predisposition) that one would not choose, an alcoholic does choose every single day whether or not to get treatment for that disease or whether to continue drinking...

Just like - regardless of the difficulties on either side of the list - a partner in a challenging relationship actually has the choice every single day whether or not to continue within it.

hearthealth

I've been feeling this way every time an incident happens. I should leave. I may need dandylion to keep my side of the tetter totter up, weighted down with everyone's experience.

hopeful4

I say this out of kindness, because I don't want to overwhelm anyone. However, I will go ahead and say it because I wish someone had said to me, and that I would have listened.

Even if you don't file now, use this time to prepare. Get paperwork in order. Speak to an attorney about your options and having protections put into place. Speak to several and make sure you use one that will serve you and your children well. Get things in a safe place that you cannot do without, pictures, documents, etc. I say that b/c my X would have taken everything in the house had I not gotten those things to a safe place ahead of time.

Run credit reports, make sure you have all of that in order and know your rights and responsibilities, and what his are as well.

I wish I had prepared much longer than I had. I knew things were falling apart, but I could have educated myself so much better and not taken the financial beating I took. I also wish I would have pushed hard for Sober Link, because now my 11 year old DD is essentially my X's sober monitor. Not a good thing.

Once you get these things going, make lists, all of that, you will feel more in control, or at least I certainly did. We will encourage you, but also have a buddy that can help you through this and go with you if you need a shoulder to lean on.

Tight hugs.

Nata1980

Hi there - wanted to offer support and share my story.

What helped me is to make a list of pros and cons of getting divorced as well as staying together. Separate pros and cons for each decision. It was factual, almost cold - I.e I completely left out doom and gloom predictions like "my child on autism spectrum will have exceptionally hard time with this massive routine change", which I was 100% sure would happen. Turns out he has made more gains emotionally this year than anyone would predict, becoming much more affectionate and developing a ton of adaptive skills. Go figure.

I was always a main breadwinner so economically speaking - it was not a hard decision for me. XAH was a main caregiver. I realize it may be much harder for many from financial standpoint, but at the end of the day - this is America, and we are blessed with higher standard of living than just about anywhere else in the world. What I am saying - you will make it, don't let fear drive your decision. Plus, alcoholism is a progressive disease - and one may not only end up "financially independent" when spouse looses job, but also worrying about them in their drunk/high state, stealing cash out of your purse and writing stolen bad checks from your account, which you carefully separated from his last time you were trying to get divorced.

Risk of driving kids drunk is present when you are married, when divorced it can be somewhat mitigated by court ordered testing. Drunk driving spouse exposes you to a whole gamut of financial and physical risks.

I was also thinking about where I want to be in 10 years. I would be 45, XAH would be 60, based on his relapse rate of 1 every two years (getting progressively worse), he would have relapsed 7 more times!

I will never have to experience that "sitting on a time bomb" feeling. At least due to partners alcoholism. And I am greatful for this!

Maudcat

Nata's post brings up, among other good points, one that we don't talk about much when we are dealing with an alcohol-dependent relative. Alcoholism is progressive and detrimental to one's health over time. My sib has been a heavy drinker for all of his adult life. He is 61, but looks several years older. He has poor skin, is always bruised. He's overweight and, wait for it, has alcohol-related dementia.
So he is quite the unhealthy package. He won't see a doctor or dentist, so we have no idea what his internal health is like, but I would imagine it isn't good. Honestly, I am amazed that he is still upright. He lives with my mother. After she passes,I believe we will be looking for a nursing home for him.
This lovely turn of events awaits most of us living or dealing with an alcoholic. Just another thing to think about.