Feeling nothing??

Old 01-23-2017, 10:21 AM
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Location: St. Louis, MO
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Feeling nothing??

AW has been in inpatient detox for 7 days and coming home tomorrow - with a "plan" to do outpatient, go to AA meetings, avoid trigger places (gas station and grocery shopping where she used to buy vodka, wine, etc.). This follows a blow up where the police were called to our house (lovely).

Anyway, I'll admit to feeling anger - you know (in no particular order): (i) here we are AGAIN; (ii) always good financial timing (even with insurance, still expensive PLUS she had previously used up her paid leave days); (iii) leaves me to handle the kids (16 yr old and 2.5 year old); etc. ad nauseum.

But, towards her . . . it's just really nothing. Yesterday, when I visited her with our youngest . . . I told her "look, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop" since you got arrested on a DWI five years ago and did an "outpatient" program (which you were pissed and resentful about).

"Every time you call me - every single time for the past 5 years - my first thought is not 'oh the love of my life is on the telephone' . . . it's been 'well, this is the call I've been dreading from the police' that she's been arrested again for DWI (4th time in her life) or they finally caught her drinking at work so she's screwed and, thus, we're screwed since we get our health insurance through her employer".

"I'm like a soccer player who is covering up his nuts knowing he's about to get kicked in the balls. I've built up a wall or developed a shell - to protect myself. I don't *hate* you . . . but, that "shell" doesn't magically go away just because you've been in this place for a week. I still have to protect me . . . I still have to *function* even if you decide not to."

I get that - from her side - she can only say "sorry" and try to do better, to be better, in the future. There are no guarantees about her sobriety. I truly hope she does stick to her sobriety.

I just can't let myself get my hopes up . . . and so I know I come across as "cold" and "distant."

How does one re-connect with a alcoholic spouse - even one in recovery?? And I don't mean sexually -- I mean trust, intimacy, wanting to share with that person again??

Before all of this, I trusted my W with my deepest concerns (those weird 3 am 'oh god' things) - it was us against the world. Now?? Now, no way - I can't picture it ever being the same again.

Anyway . . . that's where I'm at today.

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Old 01-23-2017, 10:25 AM
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Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, now would be a great time to start.

It remains to be seen if she'll even stay sober, but if she does, there are ways to re-connect. You'll be in a much better position to do that if you work on your own anger and resentments. She has plenty to keep her busy in the meantime.
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Old 01-23-2017, 10:35 AM
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Reconnecting, if it's going to happen is probably a LONG time off. She's going to have to reconnect with herself as a sober person, if she chooses to stay that way. That could put you on the back burner, even more-so than you were when she was's just a lot of hard work.

I second what Lexie said - if you have a chance at reconnecting, you may need to do some of the same hard work she is going to have to do, and Alanon is great place to start.

I takes a long time to dig back out from the wreckage that they cause, and that we enable and allow and often participate in. Nothing happens over night - even though we bank so much on their sobriety fixing all the broken stuff.

Hang in there - take care of yourself!
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Old 01-23-2017, 11:19 AM
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I'm afraid you won't reconnect until she proves herself, over the long haul. That is my opinion anyways.

I agree, now is a great time to seek out Alanon or Celebrate Recvoery (many of which have free babysitting), you may also want to encourage your teen to seek out Alateen or The Landing (through Celebrate Recovery, a program for teens).
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Old 01-23-2017, 11:53 AM
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well, detox is really only going to serve to get the booze out of her system and her head cleared a bit. i wouldn't worry about YOU trying to be and feel anything than who you are in this moment, and what you feel right now. feeling distant and detached is helping to protect you - and keep you sane. you've been left holding the bag, keeping things afloat, watching after the children, all of it.

but here's the thing.....tomorrow she won't be cured. she won't be better. she'll barely be functional and sober. where SHE takes this next is anybody's guess. you will still need to the sane one, the strong one.

do you have a Plan B ready to go is this latest attempt at sobriety is not successful? and are you and the teenager in any type of support group or seeing a counselor?
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Old 01-23-2017, 12:14 PM
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Ah brings back not so fond memories of being numb after XAH's inpatient rehab (30+ days) while he was expecting me to roll out red carpet and be a good little wifey.

Very common, and probably the only way you could feel given the circumstances.

Al-anon will help.

Take care of yourself and kids. Like the idea of plan B as well.
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Old 01-23-2017, 12:49 PM
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Once the trust is lost, it will take a very long time to get it back, if it ever can come back. She's got a long way to go to see if she'll actually stay sober this time.
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Old 01-23-2017, 02:28 PM
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Your post speaks volumes, and I can really relate. My AW suffers from major memory loss throughout the drinking, which is common. Their sense of time is skewed (Has not drank in 4-5 days equals 3-4 weeks in her mind). As a result, I too have often been criticized as being 'cold' or 'distant' since she easily forgets everything that has lead up to that moment. I too feel like I have built a shell around myself in order to protect my me and my son (12 yr old). I certainly don't have the answers, but this site has really helped in proving how common these situations are. Anyways, I feel for you, and am available if you ever want to connect
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Old 01-23-2017, 02:43 PM
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I heard once that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. I think that all of us who love alcoholics have to build walls to stay sane. The problem is that the walls get thicker and thicker and are harder to break down, the more that we have to endure. I am sorry that you are hurting. I understand.
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Old 01-23-2017, 03:11 PM
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She has to prove she can be trusted and respected and the only way to do that is by staying sober. Just because she's sober now and makes promises you don't owe her anything.
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Old 01-23-2017, 05:13 PM
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You my friend, sound very angry. You have every right to be angry, as this is what this disease has done to you. So she is getting help with her issues, you need to address your issues. Do you want to be the raging angry spouse of an alcoholic? I don't want you to get mad at me, but I think it is time for you to address your issues. You have had to be mom and dad for a long time.

I think it is time for you to take the time and address this "family" disease. Nothing will work out if she get sober, loving, great mom, if you don't start pulling away your layers of tough skin that you have had to grow, living with an addict.

Give yourself the love you need, starting from you. Take some breathing time to realize the nightmare you have been living. Own it and work on trying to be the best dad, best person, and maybe the best husband you can be. I am sorry, but time does heal wounds if you take the time and work on yourself.

Sending big hugs my friend. Put on your oxygen mask first and then help others.
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Old 01-23-2017, 06:54 PM
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Oh boy-- been there, exactly there, where you are now. More than once and I'm not proud of it. Seven days is nothing. 30 days is nothing. 90 days? That might be something. That said, every ex-drinker's story, while most are very similar, are not exactly the same. She may find it this time, but the moment you think she hasn't/isn't, trust yourself. You will be right.

I wish the best to you, but especially to your children who are always the most helpless victims of alcoholism. The damage already done to the 16 year old can't be changed, but can be treated if he/she wants it (counseling and/or Alateen). The baby may have dodged much of it up to now, but is getting old enough to really, really be ****** up by Mom. Whatever you do next must be through the lenses of protecting this child, which means you must protect you in order to protect the child. Unless she gets long term sobriety there is no possible way for your wife to be anything but a profoundly ****** mother. Protect the baby. Protect yourself so you can protect the baby.

Good luck Sir!

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Old 01-24-2017, 11:54 AM
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Detox is nothing tbh. My exah has had more detoxes than I can remember. He went to rehab for 3 months but he's still drinking.( I think cos we've not heard from him for a while but he was in November) ) I felt like you. I was numb. I went through the whole of his cpr in hospital twice in one weekend thing with my nurses detachment. Then I got angry. Really steaming mad , can't sleep angry and we split up. Too late for my kids childhood's tho. Protect them. Whatever else you decide, keep them safe and help your 16 year old come to terms with how it was and is . Get help for yourself and let your wife get on with her side of things.Plan b is a great idea too.
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