NYCDoglvr

Woke up one morning with the realization that our days were numbered.

SmallButMighty

I got off the ride after I realized I would NEVER live a happy or even just peaceful life, married to an alcoholic who wasn't committed to real recovery.

I got off the ride when I realized HE was constantly breaking his marriage vows to me.. I did not feel loved, cherished or respected in the least. I was never going to feel that way with a man who repeatedly lied, deceived and made promised he never intended to keep. You can't trust a liar.. and how are you supposed to stay in any kind of a relationship where there is no trust? I couldn't... I forgave and "tried again" more times then I can count... I kept losing that game in the most heartbreaking of ways.

I got off the ride when I realized I didn't deserve the pain, fear and anxiety his (a) drunken suicidal threats and emotional outbursts (b) drunk driving (c) financial messes, were all causing me. How can anyone live like that and be healthy? I sure couldn't and I lost myself for a long time in that darkness. I feel sad and sorry for people who are still resigned to a life led this way.

I got off the ride when I realized it had been my choice to stay on, I didn't want to feel sick any more so I got off. It took a while for my world to stop spinning, but I DID get my balance back.

I'm damn glad I got off the ride.

Thumper

Hmm. I got off when I hit my own bottom. Actually my own bottom was quite some time before I decided to get off.

The absolute moment that spurred me into action was a camping trip that was an utter disaster from beginning to end with constant drinking - in excess even for him, who drank nearly a case of beer every single day. I was utterly defeated and exhausted in every way imaginable. It was an extended family vacation and while I'm sure my cousin saw him - what she commented on was me. Very lovingly. I knew then that I was not only sinking, I was already at the bottom of the lake.

So I decided it was time to leave and I did. The next 6 months were some of the hardest of my life but even in hindsight I believe it was the right decision.

hearthealth

Today. DD broke her hand while I was at work. I had a bad day at work exhausted and husband did nothing, no ice no pain medication. Literally just dismissed it. Oh he did drink his maintenance amount of beer. Too much to drive to urgent care. He got upset when I even mentioned I should take her, for that. He was cursing upset in the bathroom when I even suggested he should have tended to DD. I gave her some medication and ice as soon as got home. I took her today. Yes it's broken. I'm running around to doctors. My tire was even low and dealt with that. He never even picked up his phone so he had no idea. I didn't know if he would even be home to meet DS. Arranged for the neighbors to meet DS. We also had another appointment we kept today. I made supper today. He has been in is own world since he came home from work. Why should I stay?

AnvilheadII

HH, that is criminal neglect. and it HAS to stop. your children are suffering directly from his lack of connection, concern, or care. your baby broke her hand and he did NOTHING.

Seren

HH, I'm really so sorry for your poor DD!! You have had quite a day *hug*.

You, my dear soul, are the only one who can answer that question. It doesn't sound as though you can offer yourself any good reasons to do so.

hearthealth

I talked to him after the children went to bed. No beer tonight. He said it didnt look that bad and he asked questions but she didn't say anything. I think she might have been afraid to say something. Today she kept asking me if I was mad that she broke her hand. I kept reassuring her that I wasn't mad, (at her). Things happen in life and that's ok. We need to be able to deal with things when they happen.

sauerkraut

Oh, HH, your story hurts my heart. Please listen to Anvil, and don't minimize. He is not doing his duty as a parent. At what point would he realize his child needed to go to the doctor? And what are the implications of him not picking up his phone and not being able to drive, given that he's the 'adult' in charge? And why would your child be afraid of her parent's reaction because she hurt herself? I feel so sorry for your family.

Smarie78

Thanks to everyone for sharing. Your stories are so very relatable. I wrote the post about 3 in the morning on New Year's Day. . Tried to do something normal with the Abf to ring in 2017 where we could be social and around people, but instead ended the night finding him sneaking drinks at the gathering we attended and spending the wee hours of the morning dealing with the tornado aftermath.

It's funny how you continue to be let down and shocked at the disappointment when....well, there is really nothing shocking about it at all, is there?

Seren

Funny is not the word...sad, really. His behavior is predictable and your reactions make me very sad for you. It's heartbreaking that you choose this life over and over again. There is nothing I or anyone else can say to change how you feel or what you think and do. I just hope that someday you will truly understand that you deserve a better life and a healthy relationship. We will always be here when you need to vent or talk

redatlanta

When did I decide? Recently.

After years of turmoil to get him "completely healthy and stable" this was achieved about a year and a half ago. SO it wasn't while things were at the worst, it was when things were at their" best".

The defining moment came on vacation last summer. We were sitting outside at my beach house and he said "I love being on vacation". I turned to him and said without thinking or prep, or anything just blurted "This isn't a vacation to me. I had to pack, load the car, drive, listen to you talk the whole way, stop at the grocery on the way in, get the food, load it, put it up, and also do everything here necessary including prepare all meals. This isn't vacation for me, its work and I am exhausted".

His response: "The Joy on your partner's face should be enough for you".

Done. I am a mother and a non-paid employee to a person who feels entitled to play 24/7 while I provide the gas.

In process of getting out now.

LexieCat

"My wife, I think I'll keep her."

Ariesagain

But this IS normal, for him and for you. It's working quite well for him...he makes messes and either ignores them (his marriage) or lets you clean them up.

I just hope you've managed to keep him away from your new furniture?

jojo82

Sneaking drinks is something he does not control. It is compulsive and part of the disease.

You said it - there is nothing shocking about it at all!

Love and tolerance is our code.

elihoping

Hi Jojo, I'm am both a recovering alcoholic and beginner recovering Codependent. Obviously when I was in active addiction, my drinking was compulsive and very much part of the disease. However, as soon as I knew I was an addict and the treatment options available, it was MY responsibity to take care of that. I couldn't expect my mother, brother, partner, friend to do the work for me. I couldn't keep inflicting my inappropriate behaviour on them and then demand they keep helping me because I have a disease.

I don't know if you're aware of Smarie's situation but her boyfriend (not husband) has been at this for a long time and it's not Smarie's job to keep minding him and enduring his behaviour just because he's suffering from addiction.

I'm trying hard to be tolerant of the comments you're posting but please bear in mind that this is a support page for the relatives and friends of alcoholics. They need recovery support too and part of that is encouraging people to walk away from abusive relationships.

Bekindalways

I'd say "Love and tolerance" is the code of all of us when we stay in a relationship with an alcoholic; "Love and detachment" is the code of folks who get off the ride.

. . . . and I'm not sure that the love in "Love and tolerance" is really love . . . more like fear, habit, and fantasy . . . and perhaps avoiding looking at our own rooster-poop. I think the one time I truly loved someone was when I walked away from my qualifier. It allowed him to do what he needed to do: become an addict. My leaving respected this.

. . . and for any of you who stay in contact with your qualifier, I do get it. Leaving was absolutely dingdangblasted painful even though there were no kids involved and we didn't even live together.

LexieCat

If someone came in drunk, repeatedly, to disrupt an AA meeting with noisy and inappropriate comments, the drunk would be kindly but firmly told to come back when he was able to behave. "Tolerance" and "understanding" don't mean we have to endure unacceptable behavior. Even AT an AA meeting. And a spouse or significant other has the same right to peace from the chaos of active alcoholism.

firebolt

I completely agree with this, but for ourselves, first.

Many of us would, and have about killed ourselves in the name of love for another...at the expense of ignoring our own needs, ignoring our own desires for our short and precious lives, and ignoring the people that are capable of loving us reciprocally.

jojo82

Thank you for sharing elihoping. I respect the ownership.

Allow me please to stand in disagreement with you here.

Mothers, brothers, partners, and friends can also be afflicted by alcoholism. It is possible that they become equally and perhaps in some cases even more sick than the person doing the drinking.

True we tend to our own side of the street. But if alcoholism is a disease that affects relationships ten my own attitude, thinking, and behaviour may have actually played an active role in the afflicted.

No intent to speak for Smarie.

I sincerely appreciate your tolerance. Thank you!

My comments are made in support.

That any relationship become truly abusive I support detachment.


Does getting off the ride always mean ending the relationship?

Isn't tolerance of the mind?

I can tolerate those without the disease. I can tolerate those with other diseases. Why should this be any different?

jojo82

Is there not a difference between self love and love of self?

One being of ego, the other of service.

Neighbor as ourselves would place us second. No?

Aye. Self hate is certainly not monopolized by the alcoholic.