When did you know you had to get off the ride?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Mine came when my ex called me in a screaming rage. Whats the matter I asked. I have an STD that showed up on my latest exam you piece of s***!!!!!.
I knew at that moment that it was over for us. I knew there was absolutely no way she got it from me as I was seeing noone but her and it had been that way for years. Knowing this, I remained calm and said I'm happy to support her in this and lets go down and get me tested together so she could confirm her claim. I knew in my mind that it didn't come from me, however I wanted any doubt to be removed.
She was LIVID....... because she knew that her true life was about to come unraveled now. If it didn't come from me, which she was praying it would, then she was trapped. She knew her goose was cooked. In the end she didn't know where she got it, there were several possibilities, none of which were me. She was just hoping for a Hail Mary that I somehow had something I too was hiding.
I didn't.
We were done at that point.
I knew at that moment that it was over for us. I knew there was absolutely no way she got it from me as I was seeing noone but her and it had been that way for years. Knowing this, I remained calm and said I'm happy to support her in this and lets go down and get me tested together so she could confirm her claim. I knew in my mind that it didn't come from me, however I wanted any doubt to be removed.
She was LIVID....... because she knew that her true life was about to come unraveled now. If it didn't come from me, which she was praying it would, then she was trapped. She knew her goose was cooked. In the end she didn't know where she got it, there were several possibilities, none of which were me. She was just hoping for a Hail Mary that I somehow had something I too was hiding.
I didn't.
We were done at that point.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When did you know you had to get off the ride?
When I got healthy enough to accept that I could not save him.
When I got healthy enough to realize that I deserved so much more then what he could possible offer.
When I realized that the person I first fell in love with was no longer that person and that person probably was never coming back.
When I realized that my dreams/fantasies of a life with him was just that, a fantasy, because his dreams where clouded over by pills and his history was a crystal ball into his future.
When I accepted that I was not responsible for his poor choices.
When I accepted that his fate was not tied to me or any choices I would make.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by jojo82 
true love occurs once in a lifetime
And, frankly, that's the kind of romantic BS that keeps people trapped for so long. For many people, "true love" comes several times over the course of a lifetime.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
Originally Posted by tomsteve
"When did you know you had to get off the ride?'
oooooooh, after about 1,685 red flags.
oooooooh, after about 1,685 red flags.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Psshh... I knew I shouldn't START the relationship!! I figured, ahh, I'll just leave if it's a problem - he'll probably calm the drinking down once he's in a relationship anyway - LOL
Then the first "this is not for me" moment happened 8 or so months in. Then, those moments slowly and insidiously became more and more frequent. I threatened to leave many, many times. Then (5 years later) I actually moved out and kept the relationship going. Then more "HELLO - STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF" moments happened. Then I had other life stressers, and finally said, I have control over this one....NO MORE!!!
1.19.17 will be one year no contact....and probably about 6 months out from finally stopping kicking my own butt for entering the relationship in the first place.
I had just as many moments that should have been my rock bottom as the alcoholic did - maybe more!
Then the first "this is not for me" moment happened 8 or so months in. Then, those moments slowly and insidiously became more and more frequent. I threatened to leave many, many times. Then (5 years later) I actually moved out and kept the relationship going. Then more "HELLO - STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF" moments happened. Then I had other life stressers, and finally said, I have control over this one....NO MORE!!!
1.19.17 will be one year no contact....and probably about 6 months out from finally stopping kicking my own butt for entering the relationship in the first place.
I had just as many moments that should have been my rock bottom as the alcoholic did - maybe more!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Rupert ID
Posts: 469
I did have a thousand red flags, (And great comment, tomsteve!), but I did actually have, the moment. I was living in southern California and I had just had a long, utterly debauched, drunken, 3 day-weekend bender in Palm Springs. Woke up and did not know where I was, who the person was in bed with me, how I got there, etc. Found my car, was driving back and had to pull over for a complete, moment of clarity-mental break down. I cried and prayed to God to take away my alcoholism, my being such a loser and horrible person, or just take my life. One of the only things that kept me from killing myself with my sidearm, was that I had to get home to Redlands and take care of my dog, whom I really loved. I would not wish anyone that kind of broken-heartedness.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Um, what does this have to do with the topic?
Recovery doesn't require getting off either.
Suffering is part of any marriage. To what degree a person chooses to suffer is their own decision.
What part of for better or worse don't you understand?
And, frankly, that's the kind of romantic BS that keeps people trapped for so long.
For many people, "true love" comes several times over the course of a lifetime.
Take what you like and leave the rest!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
jojo, I believe the topic here is "when did you know you had to get off the ride?", not "why you shouldn't get off the ride and if you do get off, you are betraying your marriage vows."
Of course it's your choice to stay or go as well as to believe in "one true love forever", and it is wrong for folks here to try to convince you otherwise. However, it's also wrong for you to allude to the fact that anyone who does leave their alcoholic marriage is "not understanding 'for better or for worse'." I don't think I've heard from anyone here who left an alcoholic partner or spouse lightly, not NEARLY as lightly as alcoholics have left some of their partners or spouses...
Please keep your guilt trip off the other members.
Back to the topic?
Of course it's your choice to stay or go as well as to believe in "one true love forever", and it is wrong for folks here to try to convince you otherwise. However, it's also wrong for you to allude to the fact that anyone who does leave their alcoholic marriage is "not understanding 'for better or for worse'." I don't think I've heard from anyone here who left an alcoholic partner or spouse lightly, not NEARLY as lightly as alcoholics have left some of their partners or spouses...
Please keep your guilt trip off the other members.
Back to the topic?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Suffering is part of any marriage. To what degree a person chooses to suffer is their own decision.
maybe YOUR marriage, but not ANY marriage.
maybe YOUR marriage, but not ANY marriage.
Good point raised though. I can only speak for myself.
YOU can choose to stay in your marriage SUFFERING with your "true love" as is your right.
we don't aspire to the "stay until it kills you" paradigm here.........we ALWAYS seek to find the healthiest way forward.
Alcoholics are not killers. They are sick with a disease they had no choice in getting.
I understand the disease affects me, but do I believe the afflicted kills me? No.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by jojo82
I understand the disease affects me, but do I believe the afflicted kills me? No.
I can only imagine you don't know, or you'd never say such a thing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by honeypig
jojo, I believe the topic here is "when did you know you had to get off the ride?", not "why you shouldn't get off the ride and if you do get off, you are betraying your marriage vows."
Of course it's your choice, and it is wrong for folks here to try to convince you otherwise. However, it's also wrong for you to allude to the fact that anyone who does leave their alcoholic marriage is "not understanding 'for better or for worse.'" Please keep your guilt trip off the other members here.
Apologies if I have shown any disrespect.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by honeypig
But jojo, for some, "the afflicted" quite literally DOES kill. Do some reading around the forum about the domestic violence and abuse cases.
I can only imagine you don't know, or you'd never say such a thing.
I can only imagine you don't know, or you'd never say such a thing.
I think its time for me to be quiet!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
heh. While we're at it, let's refresh.
The OP of this thread is involved with a married alcoholic who has ruined her furniture with his vomit and urine, who she has split up with numerous times after some abusive situation only to take him back, who she doesn't even want her family to know about and who keeps her pretty much isolated due to shame.
There is nothing in this particular situation that even remotely suggests that this is anyway near a healthy relationship.
The OP of this thread is involved with a married alcoholic who has ruined her furniture with his vomit and urine, who she has split up with numerous times after some abusive situation only to take him back, who she doesn't even want her family to know about and who keeps her pretty much isolated due to shame.
There is nothing in this particular situation that even remotely suggests that this is anyway near a healthy relationship.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd sat through one deathbed vigil. I didn't leave then. I left when it became apparent he didn't care whether he lived or died. At that point I no longer felt obligated to wait around for the next coma. Or for bankruptcy. Or for my own trip to the hospital (or psych ward, as a result of a nervous breakdown). Or for my children (not his) to watch a man they'd come to love destroy himself.
I feel just fine about my marriage vows, which didn't include a mutual suicide pact.
I feel just fine about my marriage vows, which didn't include a mutual suicide pact.
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