Getting over embarrassment of enabling

Old 07-21-2016, 06:05 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
Getting over embarrassment of enabling

I knew my husband was an A when we married 2 years ago (together since 09). I thought I could deal with it. Either I'm waking up from denial or he's gotten even more lazy or both. I've asked him to help me more than once & he promises he will. It never pans out. He won't do more unless it's required.

He ignores needed home maintenance and only works 2 days a week now. There's no sense of urgency and the bills are snowballing.

I'm not financially ready to leave. Right now I'm trying to get organized for when the time comes.

I'm working OT, juggling bills, cleaning, cheerleading mediocrity, arranging repairs, having sex with him. Been living in reactive mode for a while & I know I deserve better.

I practice self care and am reading Codependent No More. It's been a huge help. Besides all that, I feel lonely even though I know I'm not alone. I have major trust issues so nobody knows the whole situation. They know bits of it.

How did some of you lovely folks get over the shame that accompanies being the mate of an A?

Or also how did some of you fare after finally leaving your spouse/gf/bf?
BeachPlease is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to BeachPlease For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (07-21-2016), firebolt (07-22-2016), honeypig (07-22-2016), Kboys (07-22-2016), NYCDoglvr (07-22-2016)
Old 07-21-2016, 07:15 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
SparkleKitty's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,414
Originally Posted by BeachPlease View Post
Or also how did some of you fare after finally leaving your spouse/gf/bf?
I met my now (non-A) husband right after I finally go of my XABF and accepted that he had every right to live as he chose...and so did I. No more front row seat to the progressive disaster he couldn't seem to see he was embracing.

Alcoholism, left untreated, is progressive, so what we can live with one day is not what we are signing on for.

I love your username. And you are not alone.
SparkleKitty is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to SparkleKitty For This Useful Post:
BeachPlease (07-29-2016), Bekindalways (07-21-2016), firebolt (07-22-2016), honeypig (07-22-2016), Kboys (07-22-2016), tomsteve (07-22-2016)
Old 07-21-2016, 07:30 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
theuncertainty's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Blog Entries: 8
Welcome, BeachPlease. (I love the name )

It's really hard isn't it, dropping an identity as a couple and reclaiming a separate identity? I completely lost who I was while with AXH. IDK. I think I finally got so angry that the shame of having an alcoholic spouse was overshadowed. I just got tired of being lied to by him and of covering for him when he messed up. It was easier when I looked at the smaller pieces than it was the bigger picture. Yes, as a family we were struggling, but _I_ wasn't the one blowing through jobs. I wasn't the one drinking all of our income away and making it hard to get food on the table for our young son.

It was hard adjusting to being on my own, but realistically, I'd been single-parenting it for a long time before I left AXH. The financial side actually got a bit easier. It was incredibly tight, but I was able to budget because I knew what my paycheck was and I knew AXH couldn't get at it any more.

Emotionally, it was a HUGE improvement. DS was 3 when I left for good (the last time). While we were with AXH, DS was so quiet and he just looked like all eyes, you know? After we adjusted to being on our own he just bloomed. Goofy, super talkative, running, playing, teasing. That alone was amazing.
theuncertainty is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to theuncertainty For This Useful Post:
BeachPlease (07-29-2016), Bekindalways (07-21-2016), honeypig (07-22-2016), Kboys (07-22-2016)
Old 07-21-2016, 09:06 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 7,180
Welcome Beachplease! I am so glad you found us.

I'm so glad you found Codependent No More. Most of us have found it helpful.
Bekindalways is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Bekindalways For This Useful Post:
BeachPlease (07-29-2016), honeypig (07-22-2016)
Old 07-21-2016, 09:20 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
JennyGrace's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Alaska
Posts: 22
Keep reading and learning about codependency. I had so many misconceptions about what it was and wasn't.

Enabling is doing for someone what they can do for themselves. Do what's necessary for YOUR peace and well-being (around the house, etc.) and let him manage his own needs. He may not change a thing, but he'll get the message that you're not his keeper.

Are you attending Al-Anon? There is no feeling of shame when you share with people who have been there. For me, it was it was a huge relief to be with people who got it. It was like a weight had been lifted when I knew I could just put it all out there in a confidential, non-judgmental environment.

And the sex? Well, if there is nothing in it for you, why bother?

Leaving my ex was pure hell. He was the love of my life and it was torture. It took me a few times, but when I finally left for good, it was because I was entirely spent. I couldn't do it even one more day. And I have built a beautiful new life for myself.

Leaving takes courage. If it's the choice you make, it will happen when you're ready. Keep reading, keep posting, keep asking questions. Focus on you.
JennyGrace is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to JennyGrace For This Useful Post:
BeachPlease (07-29-2016), firebolt (07-22-2016), honeypig (07-22-2016), Kboys (07-22-2016)
Old 07-22-2016, 01:31 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
LeeJane's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
Welcome, Beach Please. 😀
LeeJane is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
BeachPlease (07-29-2016), honeypig (07-22-2016)
Old 07-22-2016, 12:42 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
honeypig's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,209
Welcome to SR, BeachPlease. I'm glad to see you're reaching out for help. There is a lot of experience, strength and wisdom available here. I hope you can take some time to read around the forum--I think you'll probably find input for a lot of your questions there. As others have mentioned, Alanon can be a great help too. Alanon and SR in combination were definitely a force for positive change for me.

I hope you keep coming back to read and post--you don't need to feel ashamed or alone once you've found us here!
honeypig is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to honeypig For This Useful Post:
BeachPlease (07-29-2016)
Old 07-22-2016, 12:58 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,263
You're on the right course, taking action and dealing with your side of the fence. It may not feel good, but it adds up to change. Bravo!
NYCDoglvr is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to NYCDoglvr For This Useful Post:
BeachPlease (07-29-2016), honeypig (07-22-2016)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:46 AM.