Welcome, BeachPlease. (I love the name
)
It's really hard isn't it, dropping an identity as a couple and reclaiming a separate identity? I completely lost who I was while with AXH. IDK. I think I finally got so angry that the shame of having an alcoholic spouse was overshadowed. I just got tired of being lied to by him and of covering for him when he messed up. It was easier when I looked at the smaller pieces than it was the bigger picture. Yes, as a family we were struggling, but _I_ wasn't the one blowing through jobs. I wasn't the one drinking all of our income away and making it hard to get food on the table for our young son.
It was hard adjusting to being on my own, but realistically, I'd been single-parenting it for a long time before I left AXH. The financial side actually got a bit easier. It was incredibly tight, but I was able to budget because I knew what my paycheck was and I knew AXH couldn't get at it any more.
Emotionally, it was a HUGE improvement. DS was 3 when I left for good (the last time). While we were with AXH, DS was so quiet and he just looked like all eyes, you know? After we adjusted to being on our own he just bloomed. Goofy, super talkative, running, playing, teasing. That alone was amazing.