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Change.....what are your thoughts?

Old 03-22-2016, 09:25 AM
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Change.....what are your thoughts?

I feel like my life is ever evolving. Always changing. And, sometimes it's 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

I have been reflecting on the past year of my life and at how much change has occurred and I wonder how much change can we humanly handle?

What are our limits? Is it a personality thing where one person is way more adaptable to change than someone else or is it something that we all have to learn to press on through because we know the rewards are greater on the other side? And, are some folks just programmed to resist change more than others?

I look at where I was 18 months ago. Preparing to end my marriage through a divorce to my XAH, although I was emotionally ready to end it years prior. I was unemployed, homeschooling my son, living with the insanity of the disease of alcoholism. I was having back pain, stomach issues, all of which I just wrote off at the time, but now that those problems have cleared up I know it was because of the environment I was subjecting myself to.

I am on job #2. I have had to learn to live on my own and fend for myself all over again this past year. My son has had to learn to adjust to these changes, as well, while also adjusting to spending time with his alcoholic father without me being a buffer in the middle.

I have a boyfriend whom I'm crazy about and who I love and who loves me and treats me like gold. His children run out of the house when I pull into the driveway and greet me before I can even get out of the car! And, he and my son are bonding well and cracking jokes with each other all the time. We all spend a lot of time laughing together and it warms my heart. I never thought I'd be ready for this, and sometimes I wonder 'how the heck did I get here?'.

So, now more change is coming. In a few months, my bf and I will be living together. We're talking a LOT about things and we're talking to our kids, too, about the changes coming. Lines of communication are open and flowing and I have never felt like I could be honest with someone like I can with my guy; probably because I was living with alcoholic's for most of my life and I felt that I had to hide part of myself or walk on eggshells.

So much change, but all of it is good for today. I keep wondering if I'm going to hit a wall, if I'm going to just say STOP to these changes and reign myself in. Yet, on the other hand, I feel like I lost so many years in my alcoholic marriage that I am trying to be more open to new experiences and trusting that my HP has me right where he wants me and that if I make a wrong decision, I can trust HP to help me fix any mess I may cause in my own life.

Anyway, just musing about change and life and the 'How did I get here?'. the Talking Heads song just keeps playing over and over in my head right now, lol.
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Old 03-22-2016, 10:15 AM
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I can understand that emotion

for me the gratitude overwhelms me at times ~ when I remember being that woman sleeping with my purse, keys & phone under my pillow every nite ~ the one who stood on the door step every afternoon, dreading walking in the door, because of the drama, active disease and emotional abuse that greeted me each afternoon ~

To the pinkful life of peace, love, serenity, and safety that I have in my world now ~

I am humbled, grateful and extremely blessed.

I would tell anyone who is in the middle of the pain - don't give up on yourself - don't stop on your recovery -
don't give in before the miracles happen

YOU are worth it!
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Old 03-22-2016, 10:38 AM
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I have been fascinated by the phenomenon here that seems fairly common--many of us waffle and sit in our angst, unable to move or change or act, for YEARS. And then somehow, something (or nothing at all) pushes us over some invisible threshold, and things move VERY quickly to get out and leave the abuse behind.

Some things about the changes have been difficult for me. There are still times when I feel deeply sorry for my STBXAH. Sorry for the pain that has put him where he is. Sorry that he was abused so badly as a child, sorry that he never developed coping skills, sorry that he obviously hates himself so very, very much. Even with a bright future ahead of me, my heart still breaks for what he puts himself through. It is so much easier for me now, though, to just acknowledge those feelings and not feel the need to fix him, or fix his life, or get involved in any way.

I don't know how much change I will be able to handle over the coming months. I'm just kind of rolling with it at this point, and trusting that if the changes start to come too fast, I will have enough control over certain aspects of my life that I can regroup and slow down where possible.
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Old 03-22-2016, 10:47 AM
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I think we humans can handle more than we think. Not only change, How many times have I only said to myself, "If this does not kill me, nothing will."

Progress and recovery are not exactly a straight line. In my opinion, it looks more like those stock-market graphs. At times, the stock market is about to crash. Then something happens, and the situation stabilizes. There are things in life you can control. There are things in life you cannot. And it is all about progress, not perfection.

And thank you for posting, lizatola. I find your post very inspiring. You sound so happy. Keep trusting your HP. It will never let you down.
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Old 03-22-2016, 11:02 AM
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What are our limits?
In terms of healthy growth? Personally, I don't think we really have limits except those that we create in our own minds. I see no limits to my adaptability & although it seems odd, I actually like & embrace change in most parts of my life. I do not like stagnation, it gets so boring.

I've been so many different people already in this lifetime, I can't imagine how much more is still ahead of me. I don't think I'll ever be done growing or learning.... especially in this age where information is available at the literal touch of a button.

I'm happy for you Liz, you sound so happy!!
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Old 03-23-2016, 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
In terms of healthy growth? Personally, I don't think we really have limits except those that we create in our own minds. I see no limits to my adaptability & although it seems odd, I actually like & embrace change in most parts of my life. I do not like stagnation, it gets so boring.

I've been so many different people already in this lifetime, I can't imagine how much more is still ahead of me. I don't think I'll ever be done growing or learning.... especially in this age where information is available at the literal touch of a button.

I'm happy for you Liz, you sound so happy!!
I can totally relate. I do feel that I've been so many different people in my life. My XAH could never understand that people change, that values change, that perspectives change. He was always so close minded and even if he weren't an alcoholic, I truly believe our marriage would have ended anyway. We just didn't have the same way of looking at life and it drained me.

And, like MsPink said: those memories of the woman who couldn't sleep at night wondering if the police were going to call my cell phone and tell me my husband was in jail or dead......those are fading fast.
I am replacing those negative memories with new experiences, new happiness, and new love....but also with love for myself.

And for Wisconsin....I'm always rolling with it, girl! Makes life a lot easier, loL!
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Old 03-23-2016, 11:41 AM
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Beautiful post and insight.

This reminds of an article a friend sent me last year- the phenomenon of PTG (Post Traumatic Growth) - that we can experience growth and meaning after experiencing a trauma or tragedy. It was cool reading about the research subjectsiChat were interviewed. I believe there's also also a TED talk floating somewhere on the web about it..
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Old 03-23-2016, 01:13 PM
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Change is inevitable. Either you change or life around you changes. There are positive changes and sometimes people/things change for the worse; take a turn for the worse. It sounds like most of the changes you relate here are good ones and that you are happier and healthier because of it! Sometimes we find ourselves surprised by how we come out on the other side of change for the better. Yet, in other cases, what we predict would/should be "good changes" turns out not as good as we had hoped or predicted.

Change can be stressful. It definitely depends on the person, the circumstances and how drastic. Some people do seem to handle change better than others. Others do better with a certain amount of steadiness and change can FEEL unstable. How a person handles change at any given time may just depend on how stable they feel internally. Change can be going on around them, but inside they are a basically stable person and able to weather the changes better.

I don't mind change much at all if I feel it is good and needful change. What can bother me about change is when things change and there seems to be no good reason for it and it may even make things worse than they were before....so each person has to decide for themselves when to hold the line and keep things sort of the way they are, yet evolve and change internally as a person within that stability. Children tend to thrive on a certain amount of stability in their lives, yet they keep growing and of course as they grow they change. But even children are more resilient than we often give them credit for.

Cats and the elderly don't do so well with change. They can get through it alright, but they don't particularly LIKE it.

But in the context of addiction and co-dependency we have so many accounts of people who need to change (for the better), who are changing for the better even though it doesn't always "feel good" while in the midst of. Transition can feel threatening and scary to us sometimes because we are perhaps more than ever aware of how little control we may have. Letting go of that need to control is perhaps one of the hardest changes a person can make about their self....because being at least somewhat in control was like a security blanket of sorts.
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Old 03-23-2016, 07:40 PM
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I love this thread. Change used to scare me. And I realized that even with the awfulness that was my husband, that had become my normal-no matter how much I prayed for it to not be. Changing that scared me. But one event, after hundreds of others that were just as awful, changed everything for me. But really, it wasn't THE event, it was the simple fact that I had changed. I was ready and willing and able to say no more and call the police and just say NO. I have changed so much in the past few years I barely recognize who I used to be.

W-I too feel the same way sometimes, well, a lot, about my ex. I feel sorry that he was abused and whatever other secrets he carries, I feel sorry he has been led down the path of the devil by others and not in the light and truth, I feel sorry he can't cope and doesn't chose help and recovery, I feel sorry that he hurts so much that he feels the need to lie to others and avoid his reality caused by his own actions, I feel sorry that he lost a wife that did truly love him and just wabted to get better and wabted him to get better and two amazing kids.... I feel these things but none of those are mine to own-so it's none of my business and not mine to fix. These things I've changed the most in. I learned years ago to stay on my side of the street-change is NOT the four letter word I thought it was. Change is good-it's all about your perspective and having faith in your higher power.

I don't know where my story ends, but it will involve a lot of change and will not ever include the words, "I gave up ".

Great thread, y'all. I've enjoyed reading all your words.
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Old 03-23-2016, 07:46 PM
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One final thought on change....with faith, we never know why things happen....God always has our best interests at heart so change/ life happens to either remove us from a situation that maybe would cause us more harm? Or to allow us to see what we need to change in ourselves? As a former control freak, finding my faith has given me such a calm bc I know whatever change comes, I can handle it. I may not understand it, but the change isn't mine to understand. Life is all about change! Otherwise you get left behind.

My two cents
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