Alcoholic Wife in Recovery Now Wants Out
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Cedarburg, WI
Posts: 34
Alcoholic Wife in Recovery Now Wants Out
When my S14 was diagnosed with Autism my W had a hard time accepting this and was one of the excuses she would use to drink. W beliefs that she is an alcoholic and after going through a few counselors for addiction has found someone that seems to be helping.
In addition to her counselor she also has a number of friends she confides in with her drinking. I have snooped and see no EA or affair or contact with the opposite sex. I realized that I had no experience with this so I joined Al-Anon in an effort to try an understand what she is going through. She has now started to open up about how she is feeling and how she is trying to kick this habit.
On Sunday she did drink and was texting some of her friends. I know that I get nosey when she does this so the next day I was asking her about who she was talking to. W told me she was tired of my accusatory tone and that one of the triggers for her drinking has to do with our marriage. She told me she was unhappy for awhile and is now thinking about leaving while she was at work.
On her way home she had hurt her foot and had to be off her feet for the duration of the night. I could she was in pain so I handled picking up the kids from their sports so she could relax. We also talked about going on vacation for the summer.
This morning she was still in pain so I did as much as I could so she could relax before work. The conversation was ok. My peers in Al Anon have suggested that her behavior is typical when someone is in the early stages of recovery.
At this point I know that I can only control myself and her addiction is her own thing. I will giver her space today (we normally text throughout the day) and see how it goes when she gets home.
I guess I am seeking some assistance in how I can work on improving things with an alcoholic. While I have read countless articles on how difficult recovery is and the affect it has on the spouse there is not much out there on how to improve your marriage. Any help would be appreciated.
In addition to her counselor she also has a number of friends she confides in with her drinking. I have snooped and see no EA or affair or contact with the opposite sex. I realized that I had no experience with this so I joined Al-Anon in an effort to try an understand what she is going through. She has now started to open up about how she is feeling and how she is trying to kick this habit.
On Sunday she did drink and was texting some of her friends. I know that I get nosey when she does this so the next day I was asking her about who she was talking to. W told me she was tired of my accusatory tone and that one of the triggers for her drinking has to do with our marriage. She told me she was unhappy for awhile and is now thinking about leaving while she was at work.
On her way home she had hurt her foot and had to be off her feet for the duration of the night. I could she was in pain so I handled picking up the kids from their sports so she could relax. We also talked about going on vacation for the summer.
This morning she was still in pain so I did as much as I could so she could relax before work. The conversation was ok. My peers in Al Anon have suggested that her behavior is typical when someone is in the early stages of recovery.
At this point I know that I can only control myself and her addiction is her own thing. I will giver her space today (we normally text throughout the day) and see how it goes when she gets home.
I guess I am seeking some assistance in how I can work on improving things with an alcoholic. While I have read countless articles on how difficult recovery is and the affect it has on the spouse there is not much out there on how to improve your marriage. Any help would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I'm sorry for what brings you hear, Lamp (from a fellow Wisconsinite), especially when you have a son with special needs. I'm glad you are already attending Al Anon meetings. I can't tell from your posts if your wife is sober right now, or still drinking. I WILL say that it concerns me that she seems to talk a fair bit about how other things "trigger" her drinking--your son's diagnosis, your marriage, etc. That sounds an awful lot like blame shifting to me, which could indicate that she still has a long way to go in recovery. Your marriage doesn't make her drink. Your son's diagnosis doesn't make her drink. She drinks because she chooses to drink.
I know there are others here who are in a better position to weigh in on improving a marriage with a recovering alcoholic (I left my AH six months ago), but my guess is that the best hope for your marriage is for each of you to focus on your individual recoveries. I think it is very difficult to fix a relationship when the two people in it are still pretty broken.
Welcome.
I know there are others here who are in a better position to weigh in on improving a marriage with a recovering alcoholic (I left my AH six months ago), but my guess is that the best hope for your marriage is for each of you to focus on your individual recoveries. I think it is very difficult to fix a relationship when the two people in it are still pretty broken.
Welcome.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Cedarburg, WI
Posts: 34
She still is drinking about every other day. Longest period she went was 4 days. She will have two bottles of wine after work and then passes out. Never goes to the bars just drinks at home.
She has been going to a new counselor the last few weeks, but by the way she talks she is taking it very seriously and wants to stop.
I understand that she is making excuses for her drinking, right now I am just kind of walking on egg shells around her.
She has been going to a new counselor the last few weeks, but by the way she talks she is taking it very seriously and wants to stop.
I understand that she is making excuses for her drinking, right now I am just kind of walking on egg shells around her.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Hello Lampkins. How my heart hurts for you and your situation, which I know too well. My RABF is in the early stages of recovery and life is a roller coaster. Im so glad to hear you are in Alanon. I know it is hugely helpful for me. I find myself some days, wishing this process would just hurry up, and everything would magically be perfect and healed. That kind of thinking, though is what got both of us into this situation... so its time to do the work the hard way, slowly.
I know you asked for advice on how to make your marriage better, but unfortunately I have no advice for you there. The only thing I can say is work on yourself. From what I understand, you really cant focus on your relationship right now. She has to focus on herself, you focus on yourself, and then down the road you can start working on the marriage. I find, the more I apply what im learning in Alanon, however, the better he and I get along. Im careful about asking too many questions, and I check my motivations... am I asking because I am genuinely curious, or am i trying to control or manipulate him? None of this is easy, and there are good days and bad days... progress, not perfection.
As far as your wife saying she wants out, that myst be awfully hurtful. But there really isnt anything you can do about it, but continue to work on yourself. She might mean it, she might not. Remember, she is just now learning to navigate emotions with out the crutch of alcohol. She is going to be very moody. And if she is still drinking on occasion, then she is going through withdrawal afterwards and is even more emotionally volatile.
Good luck to you and hugs. Keep going to alanon and reading/posting here. 🐢
I know you asked for advice on how to make your marriage better, but unfortunately I have no advice for you there. The only thing I can say is work on yourself. From what I understand, you really cant focus on your relationship right now. She has to focus on herself, you focus on yourself, and then down the road you can start working on the marriage. I find, the more I apply what im learning in Alanon, however, the better he and I get along. Im careful about asking too many questions, and I check my motivations... am I asking because I am genuinely curious, or am i trying to control or manipulate him? None of this is easy, and there are good days and bad days... progress, not perfection.
As far as your wife saying she wants out, that myst be awfully hurtful. But there really isnt anything you can do about it, but continue to work on yourself. She might mean it, she might not. Remember, she is just now learning to navigate emotions with out the crutch of alcohol. She is going to be very moody. And if she is still drinking on occasion, then she is going through withdrawal afterwards and is even more emotionally volatile.
Good luck to you and hugs. Keep going to alanon and reading/posting here. 🐢
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Hi,
Just wanted to say welcome, and how good it is to see you reaching out for help like this.
There's a section of these forums aimed specifically at friends and family of alcoholics, which you might want to explore. It sounds like you're already taking positive steps to find support from people in your situation.
I've not been in your situation myself, my partner is a moderate drinker, but for what it's worth, my experience is that alcoholism is a very complex issue. Some people say they drink because of the problems in their life. For others the problems in their life are caused by their drinking. Some a mix of both and a vicious circle emerges. Me? I drank because I enjoyed getting drunk, and can't really come up with a better excuse than that. I say this because of what your wife said about why she drinks. Maybe it's true, or maybe it's just an excuse, a rationalisation to explain something she would have done anyway. And until you're wife has control of her drinking, it may be impossible to know for sure what's really going on in your relationship. What's causing what. And what she truly feels about anything. Which is incredibly frustrating for someone in your position. But it's possible you may have to put on hold the work on improving your marriage until alcohol has been removed from the mix and a clear picture emerges of what's really going on. For now it may be a case of just trying to provide whatever help and support you feel that you can.
Don't know if this is at all helpful, but I do hope you find the right way through these difficult times.
Just wanted to say welcome, and how good it is to see you reaching out for help like this.
There's a section of these forums aimed specifically at friends and family of alcoholics, which you might want to explore. It sounds like you're already taking positive steps to find support from people in your situation.
I've not been in your situation myself, my partner is a moderate drinker, but for what it's worth, my experience is that alcoholism is a very complex issue. Some people say they drink because of the problems in their life. For others the problems in their life are caused by their drinking. Some a mix of both and a vicious circle emerges. Me? I drank because I enjoyed getting drunk, and can't really come up with a better excuse than that. I say this because of what your wife said about why she drinks. Maybe it's true, or maybe it's just an excuse, a rationalisation to explain something she would have done anyway. And until you're wife has control of her drinking, it may be impossible to know for sure what's really going on in your relationship. What's causing what. And what she truly feels about anything. Which is incredibly frustrating for someone in your position. But it's possible you may have to put on hold the work on improving your marriage until alcohol has been removed from the mix and a clear picture emerges of what's really going on. For now it may be a case of just trying to provide whatever help and support you feel that you can.
Don't know if this is at all helpful, but I do hope you find the right way through these difficult times.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
My STBXAH was a 99% at-home drinker, too.
Because she is neither sober nor in recovery, I suspect it will be virtually impossible to do anything to improve your marriage in a "normal" way. You can detach, and keep the focus on yourself, to take the pressure off of both of you to "fix" everything right now, which may help the overall dynamic. But man...I spent YEARS trying to improve my marriage while my STBXAH was still actively drinking because I was convinced if our marriage was better, he wouldn't want to drink. And it was all wasted time and effort. Once I changed my attitude to improving my own life, serenity, and happiness, it was easier to let go of my need to control his drinking.
Because she is neither sober nor in recovery, I suspect it will be virtually impossible to do anything to improve your marriage in a "normal" way. You can detach, and keep the focus on yourself, to take the pressure off of both of you to "fix" everything right now, which may help the overall dynamic. But man...I spent YEARS trying to improve my marriage while my STBXAH was still actively drinking because I was convinced if our marriage was better, he wouldn't want to drink. And it was all wasted time and effort. Once I changed my attitude to improving my own life, serenity, and happiness, it was easier to let go of my need to control his drinking.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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I think it's great that your wife is seeing a therapist who she believes will help her deal with her issues. That's great. When you said you joined AlAnon to help you understand what she is going through, I don't believe that's the purpose lf AlAnon. It's purpose is for you to help yourself. Personally, I believe the snooping you are doing is wrong. Either you trust your wife or you don't. My suggestion is for you and your wife to seek couples counselling to work on your marriage, however, that would be best at a time when she has stopped drinking.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Hi lampkins. Glad you are here and sorry for what brought you here. I could not quite gather from your post but it sounds like your wife is still drinking? You said she drank on Sunday and it is Tuesday? I am not trying to be harsh but that doesn't sound like recovery, it sounds like an interruption or a change in a drinking pattern.
I will be sober 3 years in June, and I have been married for 20 years. The first 6 months of my sobriety were filled with a lot of high and lows in my marriage. It was a big change for both of us. The one thing that was steady was my sobriety so we were both hopeful that we would find a new groove and we did.
I will be honest, I don't think tiptoeing around an active alcoholic does much good. An active alcoholic isn't thinking clearly and I hate to say it but we take advantage of any perceived weakness.
Bad behavior when she is drinking is still bad behavior. I have attached a chart that talks about the stages of recovery. If your wife found the therapist on her own and is being honest with the therapist then she is certainly moving in the right direction. However, before I got sober I saw a therapist for over 5 years and I was never honest about my drinking. In retrospect it really was like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. It was when I really decided to get sober that I reached out and found an addictions counselor. I made a lot of (necessary) changes in that first year.
Since she is still drinking I would suggest that anything she says should be taken with that in mind. I am glad you are going to Al-anon. No offense to your wife but I wasn't exactly a prize at the end of my drinking, in fact I am damned lucky my husband hung around. I am not sure if she is deliberately keeping you uncertain as it gives her more ability to drink without repercussion.
If you can afford it, I might also suggest a therapist for you. This is messy stuff and the one thing that is certain is that recovery is not a quick process. Take care of yourself. I have attached the chart at the bottom:
http://www.cpe.vt.edu/gttc/presentat...esofChange.pdf
I will be sober 3 years in June, and I have been married for 20 years. The first 6 months of my sobriety were filled with a lot of high and lows in my marriage. It was a big change for both of us. The one thing that was steady was my sobriety so we were both hopeful that we would find a new groove and we did.
I will be honest, I don't think tiptoeing around an active alcoholic does much good. An active alcoholic isn't thinking clearly and I hate to say it but we take advantage of any perceived weakness.
Bad behavior when she is drinking is still bad behavior. I have attached a chart that talks about the stages of recovery. If your wife found the therapist on her own and is being honest with the therapist then she is certainly moving in the right direction. However, before I got sober I saw a therapist for over 5 years and I was never honest about my drinking. In retrospect it really was like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. It was when I really decided to get sober that I reached out and found an addictions counselor. I made a lot of (necessary) changes in that first year.
Since she is still drinking I would suggest that anything she says should be taken with that in mind. I am glad you are going to Al-anon. No offense to your wife but I wasn't exactly a prize at the end of my drinking, in fact I am damned lucky my husband hung around. I am not sure if she is deliberately keeping you uncertain as it gives her more ability to drink without repercussion.
If you can afford it, I might also suggest a therapist for you. This is messy stuff and the one thing that is certain is that recovery is not a quick process. Take care of yourself. I have attached the chart at the bottom:
http://www.cpe.vt.edu/gttc/presentat...esofChange.pdf
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Cedarburg, WI
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Wisconsin 
My STBXAH was a 99% at-home drinker, too.
Because she is neither sober nor in recovery, I suspect it will be virtually impossible to do anything to improve your marriage in a "normal" way. You can detach, and keep the focus on yourself, to take the pressure off of both of you to "fix" everything right now, which may help the overall dynamic. But man...I spent YEARS trying to improve my marriage while my STBXAH was still actively drinking because I was convinced if our marriage was better, he wouldn't want to drink. And it was all wasted time and effort. Once I changed my attitude to improving my own life, serenity, and happiness, it was easier to let go of my need to control his drinking.
Because she is neither sober nor in recovery, I suspect it will be virtually impossible to do anything to improve your marriage in a "normal" way. You can detach, and keep the focus on yourself, to take the pressure off of both of you to "fix" everything right now, which may help the overall dynamic. But man...I spent YEARS trying to improve my marriage while my STBXAH was still actively drinking because I was convinced if our marriage was better, he wouldn't want to drink. And it was all wasted time and effort. Once I changed my attitude to improving my own life, serenity, and happiness, it was easier to let go of my need to control his drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Sorry to hear you are going through this. From what you have said, she doesnt seem to be serious about her recovery in the ways you need her to be. She is blame shifting, trying to get your attention etc. My ex used to tell me he drank because of me all the time so I started walking on eggshells and tried to be the perfect wife so that he wouldn't drink. It didn't work.
I am sure you know, but all you can do now is focus on you and your children and make decisions that are best to keep you guys safe and happy. Its great you are reaching out on here and at Al-Anon. Keep that going as you need all the support you can get
I am sure you know, but all you can do now is focus on you and your children and make decisions that are best to keep you guys safe and happy. Its great you are reaching out on here and at Al-Anon. Keep that going as you need all the support you can get
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Welcome, Lamp. Sorry you find yourself here, but you've stumbled into a wealth of experience & knowledge about addiction. So, your wife has therapy & a support system.... how about you? Are you still attending meetings? I'd highly recommend starting with the sticky threads at the top of this forum, there is really a gold mine of shared experiences to be found there.
I would say that yes, it sounds like early recovery behavior all around, for both of you. How long have you been caught in this spiral?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
Sounds to me like she's contemplating the marital version of the "geographic" cure--"If only I (didn't live here) (didn't have this job) (had more supportive friends) (had more money) (were in more fulfilling marriage), everything would be OK and I wouldn't drink so much."
Alcoholics often think their drinking is due to external circumstances, when the reality is that their external circumstances are shaped by their drinking.
She's not going to get sober by working on "kicking the habit"--because it's not a habit. Nor is it a lifestyle choice. It doesn't sound like she has any interest in quitting drinking for good.
I'm glad to hear you are taking steps to care for yourself and your son. And if your wife wants to leave, I'd suggest letting her go. Sometimes that's the only way alcoholics realize that no matter where they go, they are bringing themselves along for the ride.
Sounds to me like she's contemplating the marital version of the "geographic" cure--"If only I (didn't live here) (didn't have this job) (had more supportive friends) (had more money) (were in more fulfilling marriage), everything would be OK and I wouldn't drink so much."
Alcoholics often think their drinking is due to external circumstances, when the reality is that their external circumstances are shaped by their drinking.
She's not going to get sober by working on "kicking the habit"--because it's not a habit. Nor is it a lifestyle choice. It doesn't sound like she has any interest in quitting drinking for good.
I'm glad to hear you are taking steps to care for yourself and your son. And if your wife wants to leave, I'd suggest letting her go. Sometimes that's the only way alcoholics realize that no matter where they go, they are bringing themselves along for the ride.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Cedarburg, WI
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Welcome, Lamp. Sorry you find yourself here, but you've stumbled into a wealth of experience & knowledge about addiction. So, your wife has therapy & a support system.... how about you? Are you still attending meetings? I'd highly recommend starting with the sticky threads at the top of this forum, there is really a gold mine of shared experiences to be found there.
I would say that yes, it sounds like early recovery behavior all around, for both of you. How long have you been caught in this spiral?
I am emotionally spent... This board and al anon give me some hope. I have an aunt I talk too and a close work friend.
Is it better to let an alcoholic go out on there own? I feel like a failure of a spouse to watch from the sidelines so to speak.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lampkins.....May I suggest that you go to the "stickies" (the threads at the top of the main page).......
Choose the one called "Classic Readings"......scroll to the one called "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of Crap".
This will give you a pretty good yardstick to know where your wife is in terms of seeking recovery.
dandylion
Choose the one called "Classic Readings"......scroll to the one called "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of Crap".
This will give you a pretty good yardstick to know where your wife is in terms of seeking recovery.
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Originally Posted by lampkins69
Since my son was diagnosed the drinking really ramped up. I would say the last 2 years.
I am emotionally spent... This board and al anon give me some hope. I have an aunt I talk too and a close work friend.
Is it better to let an alcoholic go out on there own? I feel like a failure of a spouse to watch from the sidelines so to speak.
I am emotionally spent... This board and al anon give me some hope. I have an aunt I talk too and a close work friend.
Is it better to let an alcoholic go out on there own? I feel like a failure of a spouse to watch from the sidelines so to speak.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Nobody can tell you what is right for your situation, but we CAN tell you that staying on the sidelines isn't the only choice.
Is it right for her to be "let loose"? Why not? If she's a grown woman making this decision, it's hers to make. Right or wrong. It sounds like what we call quacking - like the examples Lexie gave you. A lot of sound & fury signifying absolutely nothing.
You aren't a failure, I can promise you that. Just start reading, get educated. Read the Classic Sticky thread - you will start to feel a LOT less alone, very quickly!
Is it right for her to be "let loose"? Why not? If she's a grown woman making this decision, it's hers to make. Right or wrong. It sounds like what we call quacking - like the examples Lexie gave you. A lot of sound & fury signifying absolutely nothing.
You aren't a failure, I can promise you that.
Just start reading, get educated. Read the Classic Sticky thread - you will start to feel a LOT less alone, very quickly!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
It just seems like there is little chance of keeping the family together.
I am so glad you have alanon, this place, and people to talk to. Keep doing what you are doing. Eventually, something WILL change - maybe she'll sober up and embrace recovery while you embrace yours. You never know. But right now, and on the recovery front, you sound like you are a long way ahead of her....and to echo what several others here have said, its very, very difficult to have a satisfying relationship / family situation when only one partner is recovering. Best to you and your kiddo - it's so painful.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lampkins.......when you speak of "letting her".....
I think that, basically, people do what they want to do....
Ultimately, you can't control other people..... When we try...they, will, eventually, rebel in some kind of way...
Is it possible that you are asking: "If she wants to leave--should I "fight" it or not?
Or, are you asking: "What will happen to her on her own?" Will she get into real recovery/ will she drink more/ can she take care of herself without my help/ will she find somebody else/ etc.....
She will control what she does...she is responsible for her own decisions.....just as you are....
I think that the best you can do is to establish your own boundaries....and do what is best for your own (and your children's) welfare.....
dandylion
I think that, basically, people do what they want to do....
Ultimately, you can't control other people..... When we try...they, will, eventually, rebel in some kind of way...
Is it possible that you are asking: "If she wants to leave--should I "fight" it or not?
Or, are you asking: "What will happen to her on her own?" Will she get into real recovery/ will she drink more/ can she take care of herself without my help/ will she find somebody else/ etc.....
She will control what she does...she is responsible for her own decisions.....just as you are....
I think that the best you can do is to establish your own boundaries....and do what is best for your own (and your children's) welfare.....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Cedarburg, WI
Posts: 34
I guess that's what I have to realize and ultimately accept that my wife will say and do things that I have no control over.
I can only control how I deal with this ... I will continue to be the best dad that I can possibly be. When it comes to my wife I just don't know how to act. I am hoping Al Anon will help with this.
I can only control how I deal with this ... I will continue to be the best dad that I can possibly be. When it comes to my wife I just don't know how to act. I am hoping Al Anon will help with this.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hi lampkins69. Sorry that you find yourself here, but know that many of us know exactly how you are feeling. I agree with others, that the things your wife is saying indicate she is not yet ready to recover and admit SHE has a problem that SHE must get help for.
Have you read the Al-Anon pamphlet "Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Named Denial?" I read it last night and it discusses how the spouse contributes to the problem by chastising the alcoholic for drinking, trying to control them, etc. Please just remember...none of these actions are helpful for you or your alcoholic wife.
I can't tell you what you should do, but I do not believe someone can really detach from their alcoholic spouse's behaviors while the alcoholic is actively drinking and/or not taking recovery seriously. Actions, not words, are the best way to get through to them.
Keep going to Al-Anon, keep posting and reading here and read as much as you can about alcoholism/addiction. Hugs.
Have you read the Al-Anon pamphlet "Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Named Denial?" I read it last night and it discusses how the spouse contributes to the problem by chastising the alcoholic for drinking, trying to control them, etc. Please just remember...none of these actions are helpful for you or your alcoholic wife.
I can't tell you what you should do, but I do not believe someone can really detach from their alcoholic spouse's behaviors while the alcoholic is actively drinking and/or not taking recovery seriously. Actions, not words, are the best way to get through to them.
Keep going to Al-Anon, keep posting and reading here and read as much as you can about alcoholism/addiction. Hugs.
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