lampkins69

Thank you all for your kind advice. I just get so overwhelmed with stuff and go to panic mode. I do need to slow down. For the next 24 hours this is what I am going to do:

1. Get through work and not check up on my wife.
2. Go work out in the afternoon.
3. Take my son to Hockey Training.
4. Go to an Al-Anon meeting.
5. Start daily journaling.

I can do these things ... one day at a time.

dandylion

I think that is a very good plan!

dandylion

Wisconsin

High fives, Lamp! I think those are reasonable goals, and that you are right to take everything one day at a time.

teatreeoil007

For some the concept of detachment is hard to grasp. Especially if you are the kind of person who is used to having a 'say' in most matters. We somehow think we must always "speak up" when our S.O. is doing something wrong and in some cases we do need to speak up in certain situations. Detachment might feel to 'passive' for us. But, sometimes it's not so much a matter of keeping quiet as it is a matter of refusing to engage in something FUTILE. We learn the hard way how to stop wasting our own time, energy, efforts in "reforming" this other person and instead take that effort and put into ourselves and our own fulfillment. We learn that the person in question may never change and become the person we wish they were. We realize that our own happiness is not about *them* and not wrapped up in them. I don't have much more wisdom to add here that has not already been covered very well by others.

hopeful4

lamp...that is a super great plan!

Liveitwell

Tea tree-you hit the nail on the head. That is what de-codie'ing yourself is about (at least some of it). Thank you for your words.

Vandermast

your friends in al anon are right.

time takes time....

van

lampkins69

Ok so I was able to get 1 and 2 done from my list. Son had some major homework that he needed help on so hockey was skipped and I had to work with him so I could not get to Al Anon. Wife and I are taking daughter to psychiatrist so this is my list for today:

1. Attend doctor's appointment
2. Go Workout
3. Attend Al Anon Meeting
4. Take Son to Hockey
5. Start journal

Wife has off the rest of the day and I will be working from home so I guess I should add that I will not buy or condone drinking if she intends to do down that road. If she wants to fight I will leave to diffuse the situation.

FireSprite

One of my favorite recovery quotes has been:

"Courage doesn't always Roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice, at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow." (Mary Anne Radmacher)


Sometimes the bravest thing we do is just getting back up when we've been knocked down.

Good luck with your day; sounds like a great plan!

lampkins69

Hello all! Thursday took my daughter to see a psychiatrist with Wife and as expected daughter had major meltdown. Wife dropped her off at school and then asked if I would buy her wine, told her no. Short time later received a text to forget it. After school Wife was able to calm daughter down and had a nice evening. Wife took son to hockey and I had some free time.

Early start today for her and I today ... really reflecting on the whole detachment thing and trying to not let the actions of my wife affect me. She has been distant from me for the last week ... other than some small talk we have not been talking. Normally I would start freaking out now I am just trying to shrug my shoulders and go about the day.

Typically when it is an early day she will likely end up drinking. If she does this I will do something with the kids and try not to pay attention to same.

My goals today:

1. Focus on work and not worry about wife or what may occur tonight.

2. Spend some time with kids.

3. Continue to read the FAQ's on this board; and

4. Continue to journal.

5. Try to stop my mind from wondering.

I know number 5 is the hardest thing for me to do. I find myself fighting the urge to text my wife and telling her that she has been distant lately, but I know that is counterintuitive to the concept of detachment.

honeypig

You are right to fight that urge. There is a recovery saying--"play the tape all the way thru", meaning if you take a certain action, what will be the result of it, not just short term but long run?

If you play this tape all the way thru, what do you think will happen?

LexieCat

Texting is a terrible way to attempt to communicate about any relationship issues. Save texting for "did you remember to pay the utility bill" or "I love you" (WITHOUT expectation of a discussion and refusing to be drawn into in a back-and-forth about the state of your relationship).

bluebird418

It sounds like you are doing better, and taking it one step at a time. That's a good thing! However I know it doesn't make it any less difficult. Kudos for taking care of the kids and stepping up when she cannot.

lampkins69

Your right texting is usually resolved for small talk stuff. I did text her thanking her for calming our daughter down. The morning was good and our daughter took her medication without incident.

I did have a chance to review again the "Merry go round of Alcoholism" and the discussions regarding detachment and co dependency. While I love my wife this does not mean that I should be sentenced for her moods or actions. It is not fair to myself and those around me (especially my kids).

As you can see I like having a game plan or mini road map for myself so here is my plan if she is drinking tonight or any night for that matter:

1. I will not give in to showing my feelings to her and I will not feel like a failure is she chooses to drink.

2. The choice to drink is hers alone .... money children or a job are simply excuses.

3. I will remove myself from the house I will play in the kids room, play outside, take a walk, do some chores or something else.

4. I will walk away from a confrontation.

lampkins69

Well I almost gave into my emotions. Wife has been sober for a few days and she has said she is anxious. I simply listen ... I go and do some chores and see her looking at apartments on her I-Pad. I find myself getting anxious, but simply finish making dinner for the kids and then take a drive, I am trying to not let her actions affect me, but it does hurt me. Sorry I just wanted to write this down rather than be drawn into a fight.

gleefan

Lamp - I really appreciate this thread. I'm an alcoholic in recovery who's married to an active alcoholic. I came to this side of SR for help with detachment in my own codependency. I definitely find that support here - and I also am able to see my own behaviors in addiction and early recovery in folks' descriptions of the alcoholic in their lives. It helps me recover.

lampkins69

I am glad that some of my ramblings are helping others. Took a ride and wife came back from taking daughter. She stated that she was sorry for being off and that she is working with her counselor. And that she is full of sixty different emotions.

Then it hit me my wife is becoming detached from me. I stated that before she would talk my ears off. She responded that now she is in a different place now.

Right now I am trying my best to not show my emotions. Trying to not be affected by her words. I am having a hard time with it and feeling overwhelmed. Sorry.

LexieCat

Detachment is good for BOTH people where the relationship has become unhealthily enmeshed. Try to stop stressing over where HER head is at and keep the focus on your own.

lampkins69

I am really trying, but then I see my kids, dog or picture and a rush of emotions hit me. She asked what I would do if she left and I said there is nothing I can do. It is wierd it feels like I am living with an alien now.

She is now drinking and I think she has passed out. Right now i am trying to keep myself preoccupied until I go to sleep.

I admit that I did get upset and dived back into the suggested readings classic posts. It seems like in the end the non alcoholic spouse only found peace after they left.

Has anybody here been able to go through recovery and kept a marriage intact?

SparkleKitty

She is not in recovery, my friend.