LexieCat

It seems to me like you're still trying to analyze what you "should" do in terms of how it will affect her. If you want/need to talk to her, talk to her. Just keep your expectations in check regarding how she responds. She's an actively drinking alcoholic, so her responses may be hostile, manipulative, or irrational. Don't take them to heart. It has little to do with you and everything to do with her disease.

FireSprite

Well, it depends on how you're looking at it. What IS usual, Lamp?

Not drinking *right now* isn't the same as living sober. Even while not drinking, my husband's behavior & attitude still reflected his drinking self. That didn't change until he started recovering - entirely different.

I also learned that I was judging a situation to happen while he was "not drinking".... but he had been drinking enough on a regular basis that he wasn't ever REALLY sober. He was always in between states of saturation --- but not ever sober. A person doesn't stop drinking one day & dry out overnight. The mind & body both go through a long process when getting sober, which is why you see a lot of talk around here about how early recovery is so much harder & unpredictable than we all typically expect.

dandylion

lampkins.....It must feel strange to you to not be talking so much ....if you were used to always talking with/to her.....
New behaviors always feel strange.....
also, it must be hard to talk to an alien.......

dandylion

lampkins69

I guess I just miss talking bout life in general the weather politics travel etc. the house has been somewhat calm the last week and my daughter has not had any tamp trims or outbursts.

The mornings are a lot calmer but it is wierd.

dandylion

lampkins......I get what you mean....I like to talk about everything....everything...with whatever partner that I have ever been with...
To me...that is a big part of a relationship---sharing feelings and ideas, etc......

this is why it is so important for you to develop social outlets for yourself, now............other people to share these things with.....
It may take you a while to develop these....but, it is a very worthwhile goal...because, you are going to need that.... (we all do)......

dandylion

lampkins69

Sorry I am still learning the lingo. She is not in recovery and is an active drinker. I am starting to get the detachment when she is drinking or drunk, fortunately or unfortunately she passes out in 2 hours.

jada1981

Hi Lamp. That's what is seems like, right? I have found that with my STBXAH drinking was just a symptom of larger emotional issues he has buried inside and until he is willing to really work on himself and address those issues, we won't work out. He hasn't drank in about 40 days, I believe, but he still continues to smoke marijuana and gets agitated easily. So, I guess my bottom line is there is a major difference between between sober and being recovered.

Also, for me, I found there had just been too much damage in our past for me to be able to just be a happy wife when he wasn't drinking. Too many lies, betrayals, resentments. I guess this is where detachment comes in and if you're able to detach, that's great. I just know that I was never able to because he had just caused me too much pain.

When we first decided to divorce, I was devastated, mostly at the thought of losing my best friend....the person I confided in and spent the evenings watching tv with. We had a long talk the other day and we've managed to come to a place where we can still be friends. We've accepted that our relationship is just not healthy for either of us. We avoid talking about any of the past and are just focused on our kids and moving forward. Now that I know we are getting divorced, I have finally been able to detach. I no longer ask him how many meetings he's going to or say anything when he smokes weed. If he were to decide to drink again, I wouldn't say a word (as long as he's not around the kids.)

hopeful4

Lamp, I get it. Once you come to realize the actual problem, it's a constant nagging feeling of walking on eggshells while waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's not a happy feeling, even when things are calm.

Only you can decide how long you can live that way.

lampkins69

Hello! Well it was a drinking day on Wednesday Night and to tell you the truth I did not care. Kids and I played basketball, did homework and watched TV. When she wanted more I told her I was unwilling to do that and she then went to sleep. It felt good doing things with the kids.

firebolt

Glad you had a good night despite, Lampkins.

It gets easier and easier. I remember it being such work to detach in the beginning (and honestly, I never was able to do the whole "with love" part til I moved out.) The more I detached, the more natural it became to focus on myself and a good life for me - by MY own doing.

FireSprite

Uh huh, what she said ^^.

At first, the "with love" was too incongruent to my emotions & the best I could manage was "without hate". And then I worked up from there.

Hang in there Lamp, it gets easier. And you also start to really get a much clearer view of the situation with just that tiny little distance that detachment gives you - when you can truly OBSERVE what it going on around you without tripping over the emotions, you've reached detachment.

lampkins69

Hello All! Not much to report that is new ... wife continues to drink and I am working on detachment. She continues to meet with her counselor and we do not talk about it ... this used to bother me, but I don't care or trying not to care.

Going to another Al-Anon meeting tonight it is good to be around other people dealing with alcoholism. These meetings give me hope.

Liveitwell

Good for you, lamp! You're taking care of yourself-and one of the best things you can do is be with people that get it-which is why you're here as well I'm rooting for you, friend.

lampkins69

Well when it rains it pours. Whole family came down with the cold this week and I am the last one to get it. Wife stayed home from work (never does this) and surprise surprise she decided to get drunk. I could tell something was up when the texts stop making sense - I know that this should not bother me, but the out right lying irks me.

So come home and have to make dinner etc,, after getting my butt chewed out at work. I am sure you all have heard all the comments before ranging from the "I don't blame you if you leave me" to the arrogant "I can quit anytime." Despite feeling like crap tried to have a decent night with the kids and did my best to ignore wife.

She has another appointment with her counselor (who is not covered by our insurance) for what it is worth. I know that none of this should bother me, but I wonder how is this helping her? I know not my issue.

The kids and her and going to South Carolina with my sister in law for a week on Saturday (this is a tradition over spring break they will go somewhere with the kids). Due to staff issues I could not come with. I know that her drinking is her issue, but I am anxious ... I worry about the kids. Fine when she drinks at home she is home and I can take care of the kids. When she is gone that is a different story.

Sorry for the rant the anxiety sometimes gets to be too much.

Fabela

Lamp, I've just read this whole thread and your last post worries me. A whole week with the kids? Do you think she can stay sober, or do you think she sees this as an opportunity to drink even more?

lampkins69

I think she will drink, my sister in law knows she has a problem. Would it be out of line to call her and talk to her?

Fabela

I think that would be the best thing to do here. At least you'll know that your kids will be safe. And maybe she gets through to your wife? I am on the other side, I am the wife with problems and a husband worrying about me. For me the turning point was when he gave me an ultimatum. Either I stop drinking or he wants a divorce. He didn't want to see me ruining the whole family, because he could see how the kids reacted. I don't want to hurt my kids in any way, so I decided to get sober. She needs to see that she is ruining your kids' childhood, and judging by your daughter's meltdowns, it has already gone too far.
These are just my thoughts, you'll have to find your own way. I am glad you are writing here, it helps. Thinking of you.

lampkins69

I will reach out to my sister in law. On a positive note, my daughter has not had a temper tantrum in two weeks.

Eauchiche

I work with someone who admitted that he supplies his drinker wife with wine because it makes her amorous. This is the disease of us codies. We keep them drinking for personal reasons.

Eauchiche

Dear Lampkins
Things getting rough for you at work are just a part of the big picture. You are under a great deal of stress right now and it is spilling over into your life away from home.
I drank with my ex, matching him drink for drink. During the last two years we were together, I lost a house and two businesses. In hindsight, I was drinking to deal with all the stress.
I applaud your efforts to deal with things in healthier ways than I did.
Today I am single and sober. I am in the process of rebuilding my life.
Sometimes couples are not a match for each other, and it is better to move on.