Acheleus

Im sorry. I will go get tested tomorrow. I will just stay sober and no contact. Maybe i will move. Going to meeting tonight.

norashepard

Glad to hear it -- the meeting will help!

Just a side note, Ach, that Wellbutrin -- if that is the SSRI you are taking -- has a possible side effect of increased anxiety. Not for everyone, but for some, and sometimes the increase is dramatic. So, if you feel very anxious/paranoid/worried often, you might talk to your doctor about it, and possibly change your rx.

teatreeoil007

I echo what nora said about Wellbutrin. I was taking it for awhile and it caused me to feel like I was on some sort of "steroid rage"...I just wanted to go to the gym and throw a bunch of weights around. It did give me a pick up in energy, but it also made me very on edge and irritable and I tended to turn everything into a "negative". Also felt a type of anxiety that was WAY out of character for me...Combined with the onset of menopause and well, it was sort of freaky....I stopped taking it and I mellowed out greatly.

Refiner

Add me to the Wellbutrin causing anxiety wagon. I tried that to quit smoking and was already depressed. It wreaked havoc. Then I was on Zoloft for years, and it became ineffective for my depression and made me "thick" body weight-wise. I then started Lexapro for my depression and have been SO happy with it to just feel NORMAL every day at 20 mg. it is my FRIEND.

Acheleus

No not taking it now. I just am afraid I have hiv and I cannot think. My own stupidity. I cant take a shower or get out of bed i just feel stuck. And she always showed up randomly so i cannot relax in my own home. She wants me to be miserable.

teatreeoil007

Ach-I have confidence that you will get through this; she will be out of your life for good and you will have "un-done" what was done to let this woman control you so much. Yeah you feel stupid. But, it's not really stupidity; it's having a soft heart and being VULNERABLE.

You've already posted here that she didn't want to get into a relationship with you because you were "vulnerable". So, I give her credit for that. Yeah, she was the sober longer than you when you first met, but an addict is an addict and you were both addicts.

Also-bringing in another "female friend that you befriended" is manipulation on your part and playing mind games...it's also known as "triangulation". You didn't need to bring in another female friend to get rid of this lady; and I think you would perhaps feel better about it if you'd never gotten involved in the first place and then when it was time to "get rid of her", do it your own self rather than needing to have another female friend to prove: what.? Triangulation just adds fuel to a fire that would burn out anyway.

So what I am seeing a little bit in you is some vindictiveness, which is nothing to be ASHAMED of: "It is what it is." Yet, you are still not really vindicated, are you? Well, maybe you were vindicated, but vindication did not bring you the peace you had hoped it would. Nor did it heal your wounds.

I am really sorry you are going through this PAINFUL experience. I know how it feels EXCEPT for the vindication part and bringing in a third person to get rid of someone.

I wish you peace.

Acheleus

Yes I agree. She was seeing other men and going out drinking and i was jealous. I woke up with a skin problem. I'm immature but I am trying to grow up. Months ago I texted her that she should get healthy and i would get healthy but i was blocking her number for the good of both of us. Then days later at 2 in the morning she bangs on my door drunk and i feel bad. I put her in my bed and i slept in my recliner. Im so tired and i am glad to be alone.

Dee74

Go get tested like you said and at least you'll be closer to getting one worry off your mind Ach.

If you can't see who's at the door...put a chain on the door, too so that you can bar people you don't want getting in..

D

teatreeoil007

I hope you are okay, Ach.

One thing I am gathering from this thread is that you seem to get into territories of extreme emotion(s). Hatred, vindictiveness. And, while these emotions are not bad for fleeting moments, it's what we do with these emotions that make all the difference. I didn't include anger in that group because anger to me can be useful if channeled right. But, anger can turn into hate, and vindictiveness. Jealousy can turn into rage. But, jealousy can turn into vindictiveness. Instead of admitting you were jealous you decided to go the vindictive route and don't you think she FELT that? She doesn't sound like a "stupid alcoholic" at all, really. But, I think even still today you are somewhat in denial about this relationship and feel ASHAMED because of it and wish it never happened.

But, it DID happen. And though we don't have her side of it.. I still think it's good that you are GETTING OUT your side and mainly how you feel! And it's affecting your thinking. You even think she wants you dead or that she gave you something deadly (on purpose)...really?? You think she tracks your phone? Really?? You are very scared. Why? Thinking these kinds of things are just keeping you in bondage, m'friend. There's got to be a way to release it...

You broke things off with her, she moved on and started "seeing other men". Okay, is that a grievous sin? How do you know who she slept with if she even did sleep with anyone? She started drinking, yeah? That's her sin to deal with. I am sensing some condemnation here. She's out of your life and that's what you wanted, and if you can let those toxic emotions go you will soon find out that your haunted thoughts, feelings and emotions will start to feel better and heal and they will slowly go away as the healing takes place.

But, you've got to stay the course and work on yourself. That is the most important thing for you right now is to get healthy for yourself. I think you have been projecting some of your feelings onto her.

teatreeoil007

If you can somehow drop the condemnation of her, maybe you can drop the condemnation of yourself. Yes, I think you are condemning yourself and that's NOT GOOD for you...

I myself had a "breakthrough" of sorts when I drop the condemnation of others and I soon realized I was able to stop condemning myself. Maybe that will work for you too? Give a try anyways. But I will forewarn you that "dropping the condemnation" was not a simple task. It led to the necessity of working on other issues I was not even aware of...

Acheleus

She slapped me. She called me a spoiled bitch. She told me how to dress and she said she was always right. She said not to tell her to be good to herself. She cheated on me and gave me an std and i found someone else and she still did not go away. I have not felt in control of my own life and I am trying to move on. Now I have another problem down there. It is like a nightmare that will not stop.

Acheleus

But yes I will work on letting go. I am just ashamed that I let my insecurities stay in this situation for too long.

teatreeoil007

Okay, I thought she started seeing other men (found someone else) when you broke it off? But, you say she cheated on you? I guess I was unclear as to what really happened. It sounds like to me, according to what you've posted that you broke it off, she started seeing other men, then you at some point brought a female friend into the mix (triangulation) , etc. Can I get you to see that at the point in which you broke up you needed to stay broke up and let her go, let her see other men, don't get upset about her drinking, it's her life, and just be indifferent. But, see, I get the feeling that indifference is not on your emotion register? Indifference and neutrality are okay in certain instances, especially if they are going to help you get out of a toxic relationship. And, yes, the reality is that sometimes I only way to deal with toxic people is to not respond and be indifferent. In other words: don't get sucked in. It works for me!!

teatreeoil007

I've had to work through shame too and it's a work in progress. There are a number of FACTORS that FEED shame. (think about that.) How we were raised. Our early relationships and on-going relationships. Our weaknesses, faults, and failures. I could write a book about shame. But I will tell you that it is not UNIQUE to you...most everyone has had to deal with shame. And sometimes, SHAME gets plunked right down into your life when you least expect it to, which can make it even more difficult. Acknowledge the shame for what it is. It's even okay to let it sit with you and feel it, but let it go. No one condemns you here. Don't continue to condemn yourself. Easy for me to say, harder to make it REAL, m'friend....take care...

teatreeoil007

AND-there is nothing wrong with being insecure either. I think you've TAGGED yourself with some labels that you think are bad or wrong and rather than working through them and getting them resolved you have avoided them because you think it is such a BAD way to feel. You are not BAD. The way you feel at any given time it not bad. It is what is is. Tell yourself that over and over and over again until you believe it. It's what you decide to do with how you feel that makes all the difference.

teatreeoil007

Not feeling in control of your life really boils down to a boundary issue....as you build healthy boundaries you will feel in better control. (something to think about)

Acheleus

Thank you for your time and help. The shame has made me isolate myself. We were in a relationship and she was going on dates with other men. She kissed other people and slept with them and hurt me. I then found a friend to help me. For example my friend drove me away while my ex showed up at my place three nights in a row. Im trying to let go but I just feel so humiliated. I have no friends and all my confidence is gone. Im just resting in bed waiting to see what problem I have now. She used to throw and break things in a rage. I dont know what is wrong with her. Im moving and starting over in a new place. I do not feel comfortable where i live. At seven months sober I just have to focus on staying in AA and discovering who I really am. Im just exhausted.

Dee74

Are you seeing a counsellor or therapist right now Ach?

D

teatreeoil007

Shame can sure to that...and it's a big reason that addicts tend to isolate. They want to hide their addiction and they don't want anyone to find out OR interfere with it. In fact one bad sign is when someone starts drinking alone or using alone rather than socially. Sometimes I only way to BREAK LOSE of the shame is to be open and honest about that which is making you feel ashamed. It's a scary feeling and that approach is not for everyone, but sometimes that works; to be able to openly talk about it. You're doing that here, but I second what Dee has asked. Do you have a therapist. It seems to me your boundaries have been all torn down. And it's not one single person's fault for that usually, but in most cases there is a vulnerability that is there first. There is NO CONDEMNATION in being a vulnerable person, but our mind tells us we need to be tough all the time so we avoid getting in touch with how we really are vulnerable so we don't we don't fortify what IS vulnerable. But if we continue to deny the ways in which we are vulnerable how are we supposed to have healthy boundaries?

Acheleus

Yes my counselor told me I could choose this relationship and relapse or I could choose sobriety. I saw my psych tuesday. I just want to feel like I did before I met this dangerous person.