Acheleus

Hello. I am up alone and I ended contact with active alcoholic gf. I am having problems down there. We had sex once and before I cut contact she said she went to the gyno and she did not have anything. I am having symptoms i have had almost 20 days of no contact. I am scared. Would an alcoholic lie about serious std. Health risk? I am so worried i cannot function. I just want to read a book and relax but my life is over. I am seven months sober and a stupid alcoholic woman has ruined my life. She said she had unprotected sex while we were not together. She is killing me. I am going to doctor tomorrow. I did bloodwork and gave urine today for liver function tests. I cannot think or even shower or do anything i hate myself for being with an active alcoholic. Im so dumb i felt sorry for her. I am so tired of being unloved and treating myself like worthless dirt. This is worse than drinking. I cut contact before and she showed up drunk and i felt sorry for her. She was probsbly raped while drunk multiple nights. I hate myself

Refiner

Good morning, Acheleus! I totally understand how much anxiety you must be feeling. Please be gentle on yourself. And hey... 7 months, that is SO TOTALLY AWESOME! Listen... your life is NOT ruined. You are taking steps to becoming very healthy and you will overcome this. You live and learn and hit bumps along the way. This is a bump. Try not to get too worked up before you get your results back. Medicine has come a long way. When should you get your results back?

Praying

I'm sorry you're feeling this way--I know that agony.

I obsessed twice over the fact that I thought I had an std due to infidelities...I even had symptoms...that in hindsight must have been psychologically induced? Not sure, but both times my doc laughed (kindly) at me and said I was fine. Sometimes our brains make things huge.

Please try to relax and see what comes. I have a close friend who wasn't as lucky with her cheater, and she has a lifelong std that she's learned to live with and is doing fine. And yes, when she tells partners they still want her.

And yes, people will lie about anything, addicts more so. But sometimes they actually don't know they've had it.

Hugs to you today!!!

Thomas45

Breathe, Acheleus. Put this in context: the VAST majority of STIs that a man would encounter that show visible symptoms can be cleared up with antibiotics. Generally only things like herpes and HIV are lifelong diseases, but they can be managed quite easily.

Depending on your symptoms, it might not even be an STI - sometimes we guys get urinary tract infections that mimic STI symptoms, it's happened to me before.

Acheleus

Thank you all. I saw my shrink today and he said to work with my sponsor, keep no contact, and understand that I cannot help her. I know my blood work tests for hepatitis a b and c. The urinalysis is one with a microscopy. I just got sober to be healthy and learn more about the world. I think the bump ulcer thing I saw yesterday is gone. She does not care about herself if she just opens her body to whoever comes along. I already got something last february that took nine months to clear up. I need to take a shower but i just feel paralyzed with fear. Above all I am mad at myself for letting her back in my life. Her number is blocked but she emailed me. The last text message said she would come down here. I dont even trust anyone anymore. I had loss of appetite and swollen lymph nodes and i lost almost all the fat in my face. Im 30 and the nurse said i had high blood pressure. 140/85. I just hate feeling so abused and humiliated. She does not love me. I am maintaining no contact.

teatreeoil007

I sure as heck hope you don't have a serious disease! The symptoms you describe could be something besides an STD, though. So, if it persists you need to get it checked out thoroughly.

People can be promiscuous minus any substance abuse. My dad was an alcoholic. He slept with one woman his entire life: My mom. Nor was he a liar.

Now, I have a few questions for you and please don't think I am getting on your case. Just trying to understand where you're coming from with regards to co-dependency issues.

Did she abuse you?

Did she force you to have sex with her?

Why DID you have sex with her? She must have some redeeming qualities or you wouldn't have slept with her.

Maybe she's attractive and she offered herself to you and you had sex with her....was it because you "felt sorry for her"? If so, that is not a good reason to have sex with someone, but that definitely points to co-dependency. It's possible you are somehow attracted to women you feel sorry for. I don't know if that's the case here, but by what you've written it seems to be....Maybe you need to feel needed and she needed you. That's not stupidity on your part, but to me it indicates co-dependency tendency. Glad you are getting the help you need. Take care...

Thomas45

Judging from how he describes her lifestyle in his first post, my guess would be that she is very likely ridiculously attractive. When us men get in relationships with charming, drop-dead gorgeous women that we're really in to, our brains can go into low power mode and make us tolerate things that we normally wouldn't.

teatreeoil007

Thx! Totally get it! Could be classic case of not being able to resist temptation. It just seems to me he is beating himself up for being 'dumb'...and I don't think intelligence is a factor in the scenario he gives. See, but co-dependents also tend to veer toward self-blame...

Acheleus

Yes, she is attractive but she is very insecure and she told me she wanted the attention from men. And I am working on my codependency issues. Her behavior just became more erratic ever since she started drinking. We met in aa. She was 2 years sober and i was two months. I looked up to her and she said we could not be together because I was vulnerable. I got sober and i was like a lost, immature 15 year old. Everytime i blocked the number she would drive here and i would feel bad for her. I even befriended a female friend to help me and she went into a jealous rage. I am alone now and i just want to make sure i am healthy. Im stressed and not functioning but i am seven months sober. Im exhausted but i have not responded to emails and the number is blocked. I used to feel normal before i met this person. I also think she has borderline personality disorder.

Acheleus

But my face did fill back in. I just cannot even think. I feel humiliated and disgusted with myself. I could have avoided all this by quitting drinking years ago.

noinsanity2423

I've said the same things to myself. Hindsight is always 20/20, but making a mistake does not make you a bad person. Life is about learning the important lessons. Some of us just have to learn them the hard way. You made a mistake by dating this girl. I made a mistake by dating my ex. We can learn from our mistakes.

The people here are right. Your life isn't over. Life goes on, even if you somehow contracted an STD. It will be okay. I've been living with HSV2 since my ex gave it to me in June of 2013. She was the second person and the last person that I slept with. Worrying about it now won't change the test results except add to your anxiety. It's just another obstacle that you can overcome.

I just want to let you know that you have the power to get better. You're already seven months sober. Most people who get hooked on alcohol don't even make it a week. It kills most people eventually. You survived a terminal illness.

Congrats on 7 months sober! I've made it since 4/30/2015. Keep working the program, friend!

teatreeoil007

Oh my... Sorry you're going through this and the stress of also being ill... please don't be disgusted with yourself ... And be gentle on yourself ... We've all made mistakes and felt dumb... We all have weaknesses... No one here condemns you ... Don't condemn yourself! Be good to yourself ! Your ex gf has issues for sure... Promiscuous people sometimes have a history of being sexually abused..,

dandylion

Acheleus.....I think that all of us look back and wish we hadn't acted in certain ways or done certain things.....
Life can be very complicated and confusing....and the best that any of us can do is to try to learn what we can from our mistakes....

Here is the thing....you will become a very old man if you wait for history to change itself. I know that you are upset NOW....but, you will get through this...
the important thing.....is not to let the past muck up your present or your future.....

Just protect your sobriety.....you will grow a lot...and, you will change a lot....
Let go and let God (the Universe)......

dandylion

Acheleus

Thank you. I am trying to let go and accept reality. It is just scary to see someone act insane and erratic. She is miserable for some reason. Quitting smoking now to focus on something positive. All i wanted or hoped for was that she would quit drinking. But she would rather drink and do drugs and sleep around.

dandylion

Acheleus.....I understand how hard this is.
We are all human....and, I think it is natural to want to reach out to help....
Wouldn't we be a bunch of savages if we didn't have the ability to have empathy and compassion?

You are in good company here....I doubt that there is anyone on this forum who has not been in fetal position....crying the tears of helplessness and pain for the sake of someone that we love or have loved.....
Accepting that we have done all that we can or should do is probably one of the hardest things you will ever face.

dandylion

paddyjnr1

Us Alkies are a strange bunch, we drink and use enough to kill a baby whale and we have one **** and think we are going to die.
I think i have had an ulcer like thing you talk about but it was only from friction , the lady was very dry and i used no lubricant.
Don't worry it's actually quite difficult for a man to get hiv, it normally takes the 2 partners to be cut down below.
That's why anal sex is so dangerous and a hell of a lot easier to get HIV or Aids because of the tightness and the anus being so much easier to rupture.
Sorry for having to spell it out so crudely but hey we've all been there.
We are great worriers when sober.

Acheleus

Yes i also think she is a psychopath and has been spying on my phone. I deleted all apps from my phone and there is 8 gb of used space and i have no music or photos or anything. I left my crazy ex and began a friendship with someone else. I also cannot get into the restrictions place on my iphone and i cant put in the right passcode. So i dont know if she installed tracking software on my phone. She started hanging out with another guy and was with him all summer i hate this woman. I think she wants me to off myself.

teatreeoil007

Have you had a real frank open discussion with her to leave you alone? In one sense you seem heartbroken and angry because "She doesn't love me".... Then you say you hate her... If you really do hate her you wouldn't give a rats ***whether she loves you or not, right? Hate is an extreme emotion friend... You've also said you hate yourself... Sad when it boils down to hate.Why would she want you to off yourself for goodness sake ?? And please don't even entertain the thought of offing yourself... I'm assuming you are referring to suicide..

norashepard

Your paranoia is a sign that this relationship needs to end for good because it is unhealthy enough to make you question the stability of your own reality/safety. It is highly unlikely she installed tracking software on your phone, and the majority of STDs are curable. ALL are treatable.

Perhaps she was even telling the truth that she went to the gyno and all is fine. Perhaps she was also telling the truth that her sex happened when you were broken up. The fact that you can't trust her in these matters, and trust yourself to ignore her calls and emails, means you need to cut contact 100% and for good this time.

I think you are too focused on her even now, and are still in codep mode. Her sex life is NOT your (or our) concern unless you are in a monogamous relationship (and were when she slept with this person you fear had an STD). Just as her drinking is not your concern, her insecurity not your concern. Not your life. No need to judge her for her "promiscuity," or blame her (or her ridiculously good looks, as someone suggests, as if women to straight men are like beer to the alcoholic -- please!!!) for your decision to sleep with her. That's still maintaining an unhealthy attachment to her and the relationship.

By holding on to your hate for her in this way, instead of accepting the situation for what it is and focusing on your own health, you allow her to remain in your life, and open the door for this to happen again.

Let her go entirely. Not just the relationship, I mean. Let go of your hate for her, which seems to fuel the hate you feel for yourself. We are all human and make mistakes, have weaknesses, find ourselves in deep dark places -- recognize this capability in the both of you. Move forward in your life without judgment.

norashepard

Also, if you can afford it and/or are covered or have cheap access, please look into a therapist, because you will need to process all this stuff and recover and it is difficult to do alone. You will be fine, whatever happens; as others said, your own sobriety and continued recovery is paramount!