teatreeoil007

Ach-I don't know if we can ever go back and feel like we did before __________. It sounds as if she didn't want to get into a relationship with you at first...because she recognized you were vulnerable and maybe she really tried NOT to get into a relationship with you. You know, however it went: it takes two. She's gonna have to deal with the consequences of her actions and you are dealing with yours. It's hard I know. It sounds like you BOTH turned to other people to try to get out of the relationship or try to detach from one another somehow. Maybe you just needed a decent mediator. I don't know.

But, the very BEST way to resolve these things is through your own power and/or with a Higher Power, or with a neutral party...not with triangulation....that really just makes it MORE complicated and tangled. And, the more vindictive a person is the more it keeps them in bondage. So, I very gently suggest that at a certain level you've had a very hard time letting go of this person even though she is 'dangerous'. Maybe there is a part of you that is drawn to the drama and thrill. And, I'm not knocking you for that at all. It is what it is. You may have been going through a phase in your life when you just need CONNECTION with someone that felt good for however long it felt good.

Well, it got to a point where it didn't feel good anymore, yeah? And, you know, there is a funny thing that happens with us HUMANS when something that once felt good starts to fee not so good...in a way, we start to PANIC and don't want to let go, even though that would be best....something to think about....we are "feel good" junkies.....

Anyways, I hope you have a good therapist and that you are able to forgive yourself and heal.

Dee74

that's going to take a little time ...and effort Ach. You're absolutely *obsessing* about this, and over analysing things.

It's time to move on.

block the number, Don't answer the door until you know who it is...consider a restraining order if she keeps showing up.

really focus on your recovery.
Get another test if you're still worried about STD or HIV....

but move on - you're making yourself sick here, man.

D

Acheleus

She called. I had her number blocked and she knew it was blocked. I unblocked it last night. I hope she is not spying on my phone.

teatreeoil007

As hard as it may be to accept, Ach. You can't go back. I can't go back. None of us can go back. Yeah, I sure as shootin' would love to return to a more innocent time....sometimes....but that's not REAL. Instead, my challenge is to use my un-erasable memories wisely and do it with grace. I try not to involve others in the messes I've made. I've got my counselor and my Dr. who has seen me at my worst and still believes in me as the good person, the nice person he first knew...he believes I can recover and I am....he believes there can be healing and there has been....

Acheleus

Move on. You are right. Just keep it blocked and clear out the phone.

teatreeoil007

Ach: Please, stick with a decision-for your own good. Also, it can come across as a mind game to the other party if you block then unblock...it's confusing. Mainly it's confusing to yourSELF. If you're gonna block, block. And, maybe it's only fair to tell the person straight out: Don't call me anymore and don't come around. I am going to block you anyways because when you DO call I am too tempted to answer it. This isn't a healthy relationship and I have to end it for my own well being. You don't need to say anything about it being for her sake: just make it about YOU. For your own piece of mind, you might want to get a whole new phone so that no matter what happens she can't get through. The fears you have expressed sound paranoid. She cannot hurt you. Let yourself believe that.

Acheleus

Ok I will stay the course and heal.

teatreeoil007

Yeah...I wish you well, friend! Please follow up with your therapist.

teatreeoil007

Dealing with consequences of our actions can be a jagged little pill to swallow...I KNOW!

But, thinking back to my Dad...he was rough around the edges, sure...he was a recovering alcoholic, yeah...who was sometimes like a dry drunk, but not always. He never went to AA. He didn't go to a shrink or have a therapist. But you know, he was sort of like a therapist himself. He created his own therapy. He meditated. He read. He found joy in life despite his tough childhood and his addictions.

His most common form of meditation was to sit on the porch, sipping coffee and commune with nature and come to the realization that he was a GRATEFUL person. He did this largely ALONE.

When something bad was going down like him being accused of something he didn't do, well, he KNEW he wasn't the villain...but he also knew he couldn't convince others that he wasn't the villain. They would need to find that out in their own time and come to that realization themselves. And they did. But I just remember what he said to us kids: "I know I didn't do it." Then, he shrugged his shoulders and let the chips fall. He didn't want to get revenge for being falsely accused. He just let things happen and the wheels of (divine) justice turned like they always do...but that didn't happen overnight...and he was fairly cool-headed and patient through the whole thing...which really amazes me NOW...more than it did then...because NOW I have seen that pattern play out over and over and over again.

Be patient my friend. Protect yourself and keep healthy boundaries. Be careful who you let in your life and who you become intimate with. You will heal.

Acheleus

I want to heal and I want to respect myself. I have to get out of this paralyzed feeling.

Acheleus

Thank you for your time and help. I am glad to be seven months sober.

Hawkeye13

Stay sober, stay No Contact, and you will get better Ach

Acheleus

Thank you. I just want to be sober. I want to make sure my health is ok and I want to learn to be self-sufficient.

Dee74

You guys and your avatars are breaking my mind lol

D

teatreeoil007

Detaching in a healthy way: Is it an art form? Do some people have a knack for it? Or is it a skill you develop with experience (s). My dad sure seemed to have the detachment thing down pretty good really. He was like an expert at detaching... But, when I think about his overall life I realize that maybe he learned to detach early in life because he had to...in order to find any semblance of joy and happiness. I think maybe he used alcohol at times to detach...he went to jail once for supplying alcohol to minors. He said it was the easiest time he'd ever had. His gay brother in law made a play for him once...youza! I think he coped with that by detaching as well. The aftermath of that could have turned out a lot worse than it did...but: he detached and dealt with it. Anyways...this thread got me to thinking about detachment. Can a person be too good at detachment?

Acheleus

I think I have had to detach from a lot of things to stay sober for any significant period of time. Maybe I am trying to draw a line between detachment and self-protection. When I got sober I was naive, isolated, stressed, and scared. Today I know I can face things without wanting to drink and hide from reality. The most horrible thing for me is feeling like I do not know what to do without my person. I am co-dependent. I had so many things I needed to do to improve myself but instead I focused on a relationship.

teatreeoil007

Hi Ach: How are you feeling today? I hope better and that tests come out okay so that you aren't so worried about your health. (one less thing to worry about).

One thing that has helped me over the years is learning how not to get too carried away by my emotions. I say carried away because it's totally OKAY to feel emotions, I just needed to learn how to not get carried away with them and/or act on them in unhealthy ways by doing something I would later regret. It's really been working well so far....I find that I need to think clearly about things, but I know there are things that can cloud my vision so I need to be aware of the things that cloud my thinking..It still feels like a work in progress sometimes as various things come up, but I have more peace with myself and with others.

Yes, you are co-dependent, but you are also an addict. Both. So am I so I understand how that all goes. It boiled down to coping mechanisms for me. For so many many years I coped without needing anything to numb myself.

Did you mean to write:

"The most horrible thing for me is feeling like I do not know what to do without any person." ?

There is nothing wrong with needing people...we all need others...some people are people people more so than others....but your challenge may be knowing what you want to do, making up your own mind to do it, and then being able to do it without getting enmeshed. And that involves healthy boundaries and just accepting there are certain areas you simply cannot get into. Healthy boundaries are something that get established very early in relationships. Once you cross over that line it can be awful darn hard to untangle yourself; hard to "extract" yourself.

A few reasons I can write so freely about this and one of them was a bizarre relationship I came out of at age 20 in which there was a triangulation type thing going on and the other woman threatened to commit suicide. These types of things are very very scary and I thought: "If she would be willing to kill herself over this whole deal, what would stop her from killing me?" Too many suicides involve killing others too. I've never been suicidal myself, so I don't know what all is in a person's mind and what they are thinking during those moments, but they say suicide is homicide turned inward.

Take care and hope you can start healing soon.

teatreeoil007

Here is a link that explains triangulation briefly. I found it very interesting.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triang...8psychology%29

Hawkeye13

We're just worker bees, tryin' to get something done here Dee
Whadaya want?

Dee74

LOL Hawkeye - ok ok I'll buzz off...

How are you doing, Ach?

D