firebolt

Thanks Honeypig. There are mornings lately I wake up lately and don't bother to put on mascara, because I'll just cry it off. What a lovely reminder that those days are OK too.

honeypig

I have always thought that if I felt "bad", I needed to do something to fix it. It's only recently that I've begun to realize that it's OK to feel "bad." If I just observe that and continue in my day, honoring the fact that I'm not going to be at my best for a bit, eventually it passes w/no help or prodding from me.

I don't have to be operating at 110% every moment of every day. I can have days where doing just enough to get by is perfectly acceptable. When I am on an upswing, I can help out others who might need it. When I'm on a downswing, I can ask for and accept help from others.

It's not faking, it's not pretending, it's not wallowing, it's not being a victim.

It's just having this human experience that we are having right now.

firebolt

It's mind blowing how we can get so trained (between our own thoughts and feelings, and those of others that we let affect us) to believe that ANYTHING emotion wise is not ok and needs to be 'fixed.'

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Recognizing Feelings

Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. Learning to identify what we're feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. Nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.

Here are some ideas that might be helpful as you learn to recognize and deal with feelings:

Take out a sheet of paper. On the top of it write, "If it was okay to feel whatever I'm feeling, and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling?" Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. You can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a note pad.

Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person might. Listen to your tone of voice and the words you use. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness?

What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?

Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. Once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.

We are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. One of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don't have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open, and willing to try. Our emotions are there, waiting to share themselves with us.

Today I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; I will accept myself.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

Dropsie

Wonderful thread.

I would also highly recommend the 21 day consciousness cleanse by Debbie Ford.

Check it out.

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Accepting Imperfection

"Why do I do this to myself?" asked a woman who wanted to lose weight. "I went to my support group feeling so guilty and ashamed because I ate half a cookie that wasn't on the diet. I found out that everyone cheats a little, and some people cheat a lot. I felt so ashamed before I came to the group, as though I were the only one not doing my diet perfectly. Now I know that I'm dieting as well as most, and better than some."

Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm not talking strictly about dieting, I'm talking about life. Why do we punish ourselves by thinking that we're inferior while believing that others are perfect - whether in relationships, recovery, or a specific task?

Whether we're judging others or ourselves it's two sides of the same coin: perfection. Neither expectation is valid.

It is far more accurate and beneficial to tell ourselves that who we are is okay and what we are doing is good enough. That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes that need correcting; doesn't mean we won't get off track from time to time; doesn't mean we can't improve. It means with all our mistakes and wandering, we're basically on course. Encouraging and approving of ourselves is how we help ourselves stay on track.

Today I will love and encourage myself. I will tell myself that what I'm doing is good enough, and I'll let myself enjoy that feeling.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

walkinganewpath

I never wear makeup to an alanon meeting for the same reason....

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Twelve Step Programs

I was furious when I found myself at my first Al-Anon meeting. It seemed so unfair that he had the problem and I had to go to a meeting. But by that time, I had nowhere left in the world to go with my pain. Now, I'm grateful for Al-Anon and my codependency recovery. Al-Anon keeps me on track; recovery has given me a life.
--Anonymous

There are many Twelve Step programs for codependents: Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, CoDa, Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, and more. We have many choices about which kind of group is right for us and which particular group in that category meets our needs. Twelve Step groups for codependents are free, anonymous, and available in most communities. If there is not one that is right for us, we can start one.

Twelve Step groups for codependents are not about how we can help the other person; they're about how we can help ourselves grow and change. They can help us accept and deal with the ways codependency has affected us. They can help us get on track and stay there.

There is magic in Twelve Step programs. There is healing power in connecting with other recovering people. We access this healing power by working the Steps and by allowing them to work on us. The Twelve Steps are a formula for healing.

How long do we have to go to meetings? We go until we "get the program." We go until the program "gets us." Then we keep on going and growing.

Selecting a group and then attending regularly are important ways we can begin and continue to take care of ourselves. Actively participating in our recovery program by working the Steps is another.

I will be open to the healing power available to me from the Twelve Steps and a recovery program.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

walkinganewpath

The topic of the steps (particularly 1-4) keep coming up for me all the time lately. Wednesday meeting was on Step 2 - the speaker did a fabulous job with it. Daily readings that I do and here on SR the subject keeps popping up. As always...what I need but this time I'm more aware of the message.

I agree that there is so much recovery to be had by working the steps. That said I have found that it has taken me a bit of time to let the program and the messages soften my heart and for my head to intellectually grasp and implement some basic concepts. Until those things happened for me I couldn't wrap myself around the idea of working the steps - it sounded so daunting. But once I've started I seem to be gaining some momentum - yes with the usual two steps forward and one step or more backwards. I also have realized that you can't just work them 1-12 once and be done. Each time I encounter something that scares me about my circumstances or myself I have to take it back to Step 1 again.

Thanks again for posting

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

People Pleasers

Have you ever been around people pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety producing.

People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.

People pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile a minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.

Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, people pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.

Help me, Higher Power, to work through my fears and begin to please myself.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Letting Go of Denial

We are slow to believe that which if believed would hurt our feelings.
--Ovid

Most of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.

We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. We denied the truth.

Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something or someone.

Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.

We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.

We will do this when the time is right. We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.

We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.

Today I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awarenesses on my own time schedule.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

You are Lovable

We go back ... and back ... and back ... through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, inside us.
- Beyond Codependency

You are lovable. Yes, You.

Just because people haven't been there for you, just because certain people haven't been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not me that you're unlovable.

You've had lessons to learn. Sometimes, those lessons have hurt.

Let go of the pain. Open your heart to love.

You are lovable.

You are loved.

Today I will tell myself I'm lovable. I will do this until I believe it.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Letting Go of Anger

In recovery, we often discuss anger objectively. Yes, we reason, it's an emotion we're all prone to experience. Yes, the goal in recovery is to be free of resentment and anger. Yes, it's okay to feel angry, we agree. Well, maybe. . . .

Anger is a powerful and sometimes frightening emotion. It's also a beneficial one if it's not allowed to harden into resentment or used as a battering ram to punish or abuse people.

Anger is a warning signal. It points to problems. Sometimes it signals problems we need to solve. Sometimes it points to boundaries we need to set. Sometimes it's the final burst of energy before letting go, or acceptance, settles in.

And sometimes, anger just is. It doesn't have to be justified. It usually can't be confined to a tidy package. And it need not cause us to stifle our energy or ourselves.

We don't have to feel guilty whenever we experience anger. We don't have to feel guilty.

Breathe deeply. We can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for our behaviors.

I will feel and release any angry feelings I have today. I can do that appropriately and safely.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Feelings on the Job

I'm furious about my job. Another man got a promotion that I believe I deserve. I'm so mad I feel like quitting. Now my wife says I should deal with my feelings. What good will that do? He still got the promotion.
--Anonymous

Our feelings at work are as important as our feelings in any other area of our life. Feelings are feelings - and wherever we incur them, dealing with them is what helps us move forward and grow.

Not acknowledging our feelings is what keeps us stuck and gives us stomachaches, headaches, and heartburn.

Yes, it can be a challenge to deal with feelings on the job. Sometimes things can appear useless. One of our favorite tricks to avoid dealing with feelings is telling ourselves it's useless.

We want to give careful consideration to how we deal with our feelings on our job. It may be appropriate to take our intense feelings to someone not connected to our workplace and sort through them in a safe way.

Once we've experienced the intensity of the feelings, we can figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves on the job.

Sometimes, as in any area of our life, feelings are to be felt and accepted. Sometimes they are pointing to a problem in us or a problem we need to resolve with someone else.

Sometimes our feelings are helping to point us in a direction. Sometimes they're connected to a message or a fear: I'll never be successful. . .. I'll never get what I want. . .. I'm not good enough. . . .

Sometimes the solution is a spiritual approach or remedy. Remember, whenever we bring a spiritual approach to any area of our life, we get the benefit.

We won't know what the lesson is until we summon the courage to stand still and deal with our feelings.

Today I will consider my feelings at work as important as my feelings at home or anywhere else. I will find an appropriate way to deal with them.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Accepting Ourselves

While driving one day, a woman's attention focused on the license plate of the car ahead. The license read: B WHO UR. How can I? she thought. I don't know who I am!

Some of us may have felt confused when people encouraged us to be ourselves. How could we know ourselves or be who we are when, for years, many of us submerged ourselves in the needs of others?

We do have a self. We're discovering more about ourselves daily. We're learning were deserving of love.

We're learning to accept ourselves as we are for the present moment - to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws, wants, needs, and desires. If our thoughts or feelings are confused, we accept that too.

To be who we are means we accept our past - our history - exactly as is.

To be ourselves means we are entitled to our opinions and beliefs - for the present moment and subject to change. We accept our limitations and our strengths.

To be who we are means we accept our physical selves as well as our mental, emotional, and spiritual selves for now. Being who we are in recovery means we take that acceptance one step further. We can appreciate our history and ourselves.

Being who we are, loving and accepting ourselves, is not a limiting attitude. Accepting and loving ourselves is how we enable growth and change.

Today I will be who I am. If I'm not yet certain who I am, I will affirm that I have a right to that exciting discovery.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Higher Power as a Source

I've learned I can take care of myself, and what I can't do, Higher Power will do for me.
--Al Anon member

Higher Power, a Higher Power as we understand Him, is our source of guidance and positive change. This doesn't mean we're not responsible for ourselves. We are. But we aren't in this alone.

Recovery is not a do-it-yourself project. We don't have to become overly concerned about changing ourselves. We can do our part, relax, and trust that the changes we'll experience will be right for us.

Recovery means we don't have to look to other people as our source to meet our needs. They can help us, but they are not the source.

As we learn to trust the recovery process, we start to understand that a relationship with our Higher Power is no substitute for relationships with people. We don't need to hide behind religious beliefs or use our relationship with a Higher Power as an excuse to stop taking responsibility for ourselves and taking care of ourselves in relationships. But we can tap into and trust a Power greater than ourselves for the energy, wisdom, and guidance to do that.

Today I will look to my Higher Power as a source for all my needs, including the changes I want to make in my recovery.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Be Who You Are

When I meet people or get in a new relationship, I start putting all these repressive restrictions on myself. I can't have my feelings. Can't have my wants and needs. Can't have my history. Can't do the things I want, feel the feelings I'm feeling, or say what I need to say. I turn into this repressed, perfectionistic robot, instead of being who I am: Me.
--Anonymous

Sometimes our instinctive reaction to being in a new situation is: Don't be yourself.

Who else can we be? Who else would you want to be? We don't need to be anyone else.

The greatest gift we can bring to any relationship wherever we go is being who we are.

We may think others won't like us. We may be afraid that if we just relax and be ourselves, the other person will go away or shame us. We may worry about what the other person will think.

But when we relax and accept ourselves, people often feel much better being around us than when we are rigid and repressed. We're fun to be around.

If others don't appreciate us, do we really want to be around them? Do we need to let the opinions of others control our behavior and us?

Giving ourselves permission to be who we are can have a healing influence on our relationships. The tone relaxes. We relax. The other person relaxes. Then everybody feels a little less shame, because they have learned the truth. Who we are is all we can be, all were meant to be, and it's enough. It's fine.

Our opinion of ourselves is truly all that matters. And we can give ourselves all the approval we want and need.

Today I will relax and be who I am in my relationships. I will do this not in a demeaning or inappropriate way, but in a way that shows I accept myself and value who I am. Help me, Higher Power, let go of my fears about being myself.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Peace

Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: If I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.

Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.

Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a walk, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.

Today I will let go of my need to stay in turmoil. I will cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness will arise naturally and harmoniously out of the wellspring of peace. I will consciously let go and let Higher Power.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

venuscat

Hello honey, and thank you. I needed to hear this today. ♥

honeypig

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Fulfillment

Everything I need shall be provided today. Everything. Say it, until you believe it. Say it at the beginning of the day. Say it throughout the day.

Sometimes it helps to know what we want and need. But if we don't, we can trust that Higher Power does.

When we ask, trust, and believe that our needs will be met, our needs will be met. Sometimes Higher Power cares about the silliest little things, if we do.

Today I will affirm that my needs will be met. I will affirm that Higher Power cares and is the Source of my supply. Then I will let go and see that what I have risked to believe is the truth.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.