The Language of Letting Go, Part 1

Old 01-20-2016, 09:52 AM
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JANUARY 20

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

New Beginnings

Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving others and ourselves. Resentments do not punish the other person; they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.

Letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries.

We try to see the good in the person or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to see our part.

Then we put the incident to rest.

Praying for those we resent helps. Asking Higher Power to take our resentments from us helps too.

What better way to begin a New Year than by cleaning the slate of the past, and entering this one free of resentments?

Higher Power, help me become ready to let go of my resentments. Bring any resentment that is hidden within me, and blocking me, to the surface. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself by letting go of resentments, and then help me do that.

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Old 01-20-2016, 09:19 PM
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JANUARY 21

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Wants and Needs

Part of taking responsibility for us means taking responsibility for what we want and need, and knowing that's okay to do.

Learning to tune in to us, learning to listen to ourselves, is an art. It takes practice. We can use our ability to guess what others want and need and apply that skill to ourselves.

What does it sound like we might want and need? What would we guess would help us feel better? What are our feelings telling us? Our body? Our mind? Our intuition?

If we ask, then listen closely, we'll hear the answer.

We are wiser than we think, and we can be trusted.

What we want and need counts. It's important, and it's valid. It's okay to learn to participate in meeting our own needs.

We can learn to identify what we want and need and be patient with ourselves while we're learning.

Today I will pay attention to what I want and need. I will not discount myself.

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Old 01-22-2016, 06:51 AM
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JANUARY 22

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Appreciating Our Past

It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.

The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.

Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes-stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too.

Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed.

Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.

Today, Higher Power, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept with gratitude all that has brought me to today.

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Old 01-22-2016, 07:00 AM
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We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
--from the AA Ninth Step Promises

It has sometimes taken me a very long time to see any good in "bad" things in my past, and to be honest, there are some "bad" things I do not think I will ever see good in. But b/c of things that I saw as "bad" or not what I expected/wanted at the time, I've learned a lot about how to live frugally and how to entertain myself. I've never had a "career path", but that has kept me from being paralyzed w/fear when I've needed to change jobs.

And most of all, being burdened w/things I didn't understand and too heavy to carry alone has taught me that I DO need other people; I'm not a freaking island even though I spent many years thinking I was one, or at least a peninsula!
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Old 01-22-2016, 07:07 AM
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I can accept with gratitude all that has brought me to today.

Love this last line. Perfect.
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Old 01-23-2016, 06:13 AM
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January 23

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

New Energy Coming

Fun becomes fun, love becomes love, and life becomes worth living. And we become grateful.
--Beyond Codependency

There is a new energy, a new feeling coming into our life. We cannot base our expectations about how we will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how we feel at this moment.

There are no two moments in time alike. We are recovering. We are changing. Our life is changing. At times, things haven't worked out the way we wanted. We had lessons to learn. The future shall not be like the past.

The truly difficult times are almost over. The confusion, the most challenging learning experiences, the difficult feelings are about to pass.

Do not limit the future by the past!

Reflect on the beginning of your recovery. Haven't there been many changes that have brought you to where you are now? Reflect on one year ago. Haven't you and your circumstances changed since then?

Sometimes problems and feelings linger for a while. These times are temporary. Times of confusion, uncertainty, times of living with a particular unsolved problem do not last forever.

We make these times doubly hard by comparing them to our past. Each situation and circumstance has had its particular influence in shaping who we are. We do not have to scare ourselves by comparing our present and future to a painful past, especially our past before we began recovering or before we learned through a particular experience.

Know that the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you will feel or when you will feel differently. Instead, trust. Accept today but do not be limited by it.

A new energy is coming. A new feeling is on the way. We cannot predict how it will be by looking at how it was or how it is, because it will be entirely different. We have not worked and struggled in vain. It has been for and toward something.

Times are changing for the better. Continue on the path of trust and obedience. Be open to the new.

Today, Higher Power, help me not judge or limit my future by my past. Help me be open to all the exciting possibilities for change, both within and around me.

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Old 01-24-2016, 05:09 AM
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January 24

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Clearing the Slate

One of the greatest gifts we can give is an open, loving heart. Holding on to negative feelings from past relationships is our greatest barrier to that gift.

Most of us have had relationships that have ended. When we examine these relationships, we need to clear the emotional slate. Are we holding on to anger or resentments? Are we still feeling victimized? Are we living with the self-defeating beliefs that may be attached to these relationships such as "women can't be trusted", "bosses use people" or "there is no such thing as a good relationship"?

Let go of all that may be blocking your relationships today. With great certainty, we can know that old feelings and self-defeating beliefs will block us today from giving and getting the love we desire. We can clear the slate of the past. It begins with awareness, honesty, and openness. The process is complete when we reach a state of acceptance and peace toward all from our past.

Today I will begin the process of letting go of all self-defeating feelings and beliefs connected to past relationships. I will clear my slate so I am free to love and be loved.

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Old 01-25-2016, 05:30 AM
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January 25

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Step One

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
--Step One of Al-Anon

There are many different versions of the First Step for recovering codependents. Some of us admit powerlessness over alcohol or another's alcoholism. Some of us admit powerlessness over people; some over the impact of growing up in an alcoholic family.

One of the most significant words in the First Step is the word we. We come together because of a common problem and, in the coming together, we find a common solution.

Through the fellowship of Twelve Step programs, many of us discover that although we may have felt alone in our pain, others have experienced a similar suffering. And now many are joining hands in a similar recovery.

We. A significant part of recovery. A shared experience. A shared strength, stronger for the sharing. A shared hope for better lives and relationships.

Today I will be grateful for the many people across the world who call themselves "recovering codependents." Help me know that each time one of us takes a step forward, we pull the entire group forward.

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Old 01-26-2016, 07:43 AM
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January 26

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Off The Hook

We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.

We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.

Often people do things consciously or without thinking that pull us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate and the results predictable.

Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.

When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.

We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.

What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, and the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?

What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?

Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.

We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.

If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.

Today I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty I and others deserve.

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Old 01-27-2016, 07:38 AM
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January 27

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Needing People

We can find the balance between needing people too much and not letting ourselves need anyone at all.

Many of us have unmet dependency needs lingering from the past. While we want others to fulfill our desire to be loved unconditionally, we may have chosen people who cannot, or will not, be there for us. Some of us are so needy from not being loved that we drive people away by needing them too much.

Some of us go to the other extreme. We may have become used to people not being there for us, so we push them away. We fight off our feelings of neediness by becoming overly independent, not allowing ourselves to need anyone. Some of us won't LET people be there for us.

Either way, we are living out unfinished business. We deserve better. When we change, our circumstances will change.

If we are too needy, we respond to that by accepting the needy part of us. We let ourselves heal from the pain of past needs going unmet. We stop telling ourselves we're unlovable because we haven't been loved the way we wanted and needed.

If we have shut off the part of us that needs people, we become willing to open up, be vulnerable, and let ourselves be loved. We let ourselves have needs.

We will get the love we need and desire when we begin to believe we're lovable and when we allow that to happen.

Today I will strive for the balance between being too needy and not allowing myself to need people. I will let myself receive the love that is there for me.

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Old 01-27-2016, 07:50 PM
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January 28

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Staying in the Present Moment

Often one of our biggest questions is "What's going to happen?" We may ask this about our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life. It is easy to tangle us up in worrisome thoughts.

Worrying about what's going to happen blocks us from functioning effectively today. It keeps us from doing our best now. It blocks us from learning and mastering today's lessons. Staying in the now, doing our best, and participating fully today are all we need to do to assure ourselves that what's going to happen tomorrow will be for the best.

Worrying about what's going to happen is a negative contribution to our future. Living in the here and now is ultimately the best thing we can do, not only for today, but also for tomorrow. It helps our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life.

Things will work out if we let them. If we must focus on the future other than to plan, all we need to do is affirm that it will be good.

I pray for faith that my future will be good if I live today well and in peace. I will remember that staying in the present is the best thing I can do for my future. I will focus on what's happening now instead of what's going to happen tomorrow.

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Old 01-28-2016, 07:57 PM
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January 29

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Going to Meetings

I am still amazed, after years of recovering, at how easily I can begin to talk myself out of attending meetings. I am also still amazed at how good I feel when I go.
--Anonymous

We don't have to stay stuck in our misery and discomfort. An immediate option is available that will help us feel better: go to a meeting, a Twelve Step support group.

Why resist what can help us feel better? Why sit in our obsession or depression when attending a meeting - even if that means an extra meeting - would help us feel better?

Too busy?
There are 168 hours in each week. Taking one or two hours a week for a meeting can maximize the potential of the remaining 166 hours. If we get into our "codependent stuff," we can easily spend a majority of our waking hours obsessing, sitting and doing nothing, lying in bed and feeling depressed, or chasing after other people's needs. Not taking those two hours for a meeting can cause us to waste the remaining hours.

Too tired?
There is nothing as invigorating as getting back on track. Going to a meeting can accomplish that.

Today I will remember that going to meetings helps.

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Old 01-30-2016, 07:19 AM
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January 30

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Religious Freedom

"...a Power greater than ourselves...." "Higher Power as we understood Him." These words introduce spirituality in the Twelve Steps. They are the first two references to Higher Power, and they are worded that way for a reason.

We each have the freedom to define and understand our Higher Power as we choose.

That means we do not bring our religious affiliation into our recovery groups. It means that we do not try to impose our religious beliefs, or our understanding of Higher Power, on anyone else. We do not use our groups or meetings as a soapbox to gain religious converts. We do not try to force the particulars of our religious beliefs on others.

We give each person the right to a personal understanding of a Higher Power and ourselves.

Today I will respect other people's understanding of Higher Power, as well as my own. I will not allow others' judgment of my beliefs to cause me anxiety and distress. I will seek to grow spiritually in recovery, with or without the assistance of a particular religion or denomination.

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Old 01-30-2016, 07:28 AM
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^^That's one of the big reasons Alanon works so well. Keeping outside affiliations out of it. I have friends from the program who are polar opposites of me in terms of religion, politics, etc. But we can all come together on common ground and create a safe and loving space to share and grow with one another.
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Old 01-30-2016, 07:33 AM
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I have mixed feelings about that, depending on the Alanon group...usually for the body of the meeting, that's the way it is. However, in my neck of the woods, it is standard for meetings to close w/the Lord's Prayer. I remember I had posted this in a discussion thread quite some time ago and another member from a different part of the world said there'd be wholesale revolt in her meetings if that was done there.

I guess, like a lot of things about Alanon, it can vary a lot depending on the meeting and the region. I don't particularly like that practice myself, but I do as they say and "take what I like and leave the rest..." The benefit to be gained is worth a minor annoyance, to me.
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Old 01-30-2016, 07:40 AM
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Most of our groups skew toward the more religious overtones, but we have one where several members congregate a half hour before the official meeting time and do 30 minutes of meditation together. AA members from the adjoining meeting have started coming in for that as well.
I think that having a ritual can be comforting, whatever my feelings about the actual prayer. I have this thing about the Serenity Prayer myself. A couple of times people have forgotten/not used it it at the beginning of meetings and I found myself feeling really tense and wanting to say something. Silly, because I can go home and say it to myself a million times whenever I want, but for me there's something about saying it with the group. I don't know.
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Old 01-30-2016, 07:45 AM
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And you know, I think the groups near me use the Lord's Prayer partly b/c it's something that everyone knows, regardless of religious affiliation or lack thereof. I have never been a part of any organized religion, either as a child or an adult, but I knew enough of the prayer to follow along when I started Alanon.

I don't think the use of it is a conscious effort to force Christianity on anyone, I just think it's a simple common denominator-type thing, an easy and fairly comfortable way to close the meeting.
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Old 01-31-2016, 06:55 AM
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January 31

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Asking for What We Need

One evening, I was alone, weary, and exhausted. I was in the midst of extensive traveling, disconnected from friends and family. I had flown home for the evening, but it seemed like nobody noticed. People were used to me being gone.

It was late at night, and I began arguing with Higher Power.

"I'm out there working hard. I'm lonely. I need to know someone cares. You've told me to tell you what I need and tonight, Higher Power, I particularly need the presence of male energy. I need a friend, someone I can trust to care about me in a nonsexual, nonexploitive way. I need to be held. Now, where are you?"

I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes. I was too tired to do anything but let go.

The telephone rang minutes later. It was a former colleague who had since become my friend. "Hey, kid," he said. "You sound really tired and needy. Stay right where you are. I'm going to drive out and give you a foot rub. It sounds exactly like what you need."

Half an hour later, he knocked on my door. He brought a small bottle of oil with him, and gently massaged my feet, gave me a hug, told me how much he cared about me, then left.

I smiled. I had received exactly what I asked for.

It is safe to trust Higher Power.

Today I will remember Higher Power cares about what I need, especially if I do.

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Old 02-01-2016, 06:44 AM
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February 1

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Step Two

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
-- Step Two of Al-Anon

We come to believe in a better life through the powerful gift of other people - hearing them, seeing them, and watching the gift of recovery at work in their lives.

There is a Power greater than us. There is real hope now that things can and will be different and better for our life and us.

We are not in a "do it ourselves" program. We do not have to exert willpower to change. We do not have to force our recovery to happen. We do not have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps just so we believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves - one who will get the job done in our life. This Power will do for us what your greatest and most diligent efforts could not accomplish.

Our Higher Power will restore us to a sane and beneficial life. All we do is believe.

Look. Watch. See the people around you. See the healing they have found. Then discover your own faith, your own belief, your own healing.

Today, regardless of my circumstances, I will believe to the best of my ability that a Power greater than myself can and will restore me to a peaceful, sane way of living. Then I will relax and let Him do that.

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Old 02-01-2016, 09:43 PM
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February 2

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Trusting Our Higher Power

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Higher Power, as we understood Him.
--Step Three of Al-Anon

So much talk about a Higher Power, Higher Power, as we understand Higher Power. So much joy as we come to understand Him. Spirituality and spiritual growth are the foundations of change. Recovery from codependency is not a do-it-yourself task.

Is Higher Power a relentless taskmaster? A hardhearted, shaming wizard with tricks up the sleeve? Is Higher Power deaf? Uncaring? Haphazard? Unforgiving?

No.

A loving Higher Power, a caring Higher Power. That is the Higher Power of our recovery No more pain than is necessary for usefulness, healing, and cleansing. As much goodness and joy as our heart can hold, as soon as our heart is healed, open, and ready to receive Higher Power: approving, accepting, instantly forgiving.

Higher Power has planned little gifts along the way to brighten our day and sometimes big, delightful surprises perfectly timed, perfect for us.

A Master Artist, Higher Power will weave together all our joy, sadness and experience to create a portrait of our life with depth, beauty, sensitivity, color, humor, and feeling.

Higher Power as we understand Him: A loving Higher Power. The Higher Power of our recovery.

Today I will open myself to the care of a loving Higher Power. Then, I will let Higher Power show me love.

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