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Being Enough

Old 12-18-2015, 05:59 AM
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Being Enough

For my entire life, until recently I always felt that I was never enough. I remember hearing someone share in a meeting one day about how she, too, never felt like she was enough. It took me 3 years of program, an awesome sponsor, a lot of prayer and spiritual growth for me to realize that I am enough. That I am a child of God (a Higher Power) and that I am OK right where I'm at. I don't need to be anything more than what I am at this very moment, but I will always be changing and always be growing because that is part of the human experience. Growth, change, stagnation, more growth, pain, joy, setbacks and tribulations.

Last night, I texted my new boyfriend and asked him if he needed me to bring anything over when I go there tonight after work. He said, "Not that I know of. You are enough."

He has no idea what those words actually meant to me. To hear someone actually say I was enough, that my presence was all they needed. What a concept!

With my XAH, I squeezed everything out of myself to pour into him, to fill that empty hole inside of him, to meet his demands, appease him, twisted myself into a pretzel emotionally to avoid more pain or abuse or resentments or misdirected anger. I manipulated situations so that I could avoid more pain and I'd constantly try to predict what would set him off and then I'd try to fix everything in our lives so that he wouldn't get upset and punish the family with his gas lighting, passive aggressive attitudes and behaviors, the silent treatment(he was an expert at this one). I gave until I had nothing left to give and I, myself, became an empty shell of a woman who hated her life and wanted it all to just be OVER, and I was still left with a husband who wanted more from me. I can take ownership of that today because I chose to stay. I was in denial. I own that. I had choices, I just didn't see them while I was in the middle of it all. Today I have awareness and I can see my part and I can learn from what happened. I am grateful for the lessons I learned and I am so happy that I can bring it all in to a new relationship that is so much healthier than where I was before.

So, I'm here to tell you today: YOU ARE ENOUGH. Don't believe lies that other people tell you or those that you tell yourself. You deserve joy, peace, serenity, and happiness. There will be trials and hurdles in life, but they don't have to define your worth. Hugs! Have a great weekend everyone!!!
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Old 12-18-2015, 06:03 AM
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Thank you Liz. Good message for me today - AH (RAH?) is coming home tonight after 5 weeks in rehab. And I'm focusing a bit too much on making it perfect....which is my hangup. I'm sure he'll be happy as a clam to sleep in our bed even if the sheets don't get washed today.
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Old 12-18-2015, 06:09 AM
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I could have written this post. I too, have been made to feel as though I am not enough, what an awful feeling when you're pouring every fiber of your being into someone just for them to still twist, squeeze and wring you like a wet rag to get another drop out of you. What's ironic is that I was always confident and outgoing, those things were taken from me and I became an emotionally abused, empty shell with no self esteem and identity. That's not spousal love, nor is it self love.

I'm so grateful so have found my way back to myself and I 'm still picking up more pieces of myself along the way every day.

Let's all promise to never let anyone or thing feed on us and make us feel less than what we KNOW we are. We are enough!
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Old 12-18-2015, 06:55 AM
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Fantastic share, Liz! Your growth the past couple of years has been nothing short of amazing! I'm so happy that things are going so well for you now. Life always has a way of handing us unpleasant surprises from time to time, but without having to deal with alcoholic behavior on a day-to-day basis, plus having the tools for coping with problems as they come up, gives us a chance to really SHINE.

Hugs!!
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Old 12-18-2015, 06:57 AM
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Liz-your words are beautiful. Yes-YOU are enough. I too echo your feelings during the marriage and the awakenings during and after. It is a beautiful thing !! Bless you for sharing. Peace to you today, friend!
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Old 12-18-2015, 06:59 AM
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I love this share, Liz. I never, ever felt like I was enough with STBXAH. There were times when I would get so frustrated I would declare I was doing the best I could, and he would just mock me for saying that. There was a lot of subtle gaslighting on this issue, too. He would say passive aggressive things that were CLEARLY meant as insults, but when I expressed outrage at the insult, I was the crazy and negative one for "interpreting" them that way.

I'm so happy for you, dear friend!
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Old 12-18-2015, 07:49 AM
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Wonderful, humbling, inspirational share...!!!!!


Thank You...!!!!!!
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Old 12-18-2015, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I squeezed everything out of myself to pour into him, to fill that empty hole inside of him, to meet his demands, appease him, twisted myself into a pretzel emotionally to avoid more pain or abuse or resentments or misdirected anger. I manipulated situations so that I could avoid more pain and I'd constantly try to predict what would set him off and then I'd try to fix everything in our lives so that he wouldn't get upset and punish the family with his gas lighting, passive aggressive attitudes and behaviors, the silent treatment(he was an expert at this one). I gave until I had nothing left to give and I, myself, became an empty shell of a woman who hated her life and wanted it all to just be OVER, and I was still left with a husband who wanted more from me. I can take ownership of that today because I chose to stay. I was in denial. I own that. I had choices, I just didn't see them while I was in the middle of it all.
Ugh, I could have written this too. And, I've been pushed so far, I've actually screamed (which is REALLY out of character for me) in the middle of a fight, more than once, that I'm never enough for him, no matter what I do. It was always followed by his silence, him laying low a few days, then his gaslighting and pretending that fight never happened and those words were never said. It took so much courage for me to say those words, and then "poof" didn't happen. I was so exhausted and depressed all the time. So I just went along with the dance, yeah, let's pretend the fight and those words were not said, just so I can get through another day without a soul draining fight, and each time I felt a little less sane. Never again.

Thank you for telling us that we are enough.
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Old 12-18-2015, 10:51 AM
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Thanx Lizatola for this.

I have been really struggling with this as of late.



Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
For my entire life, until recently I always felt that I was never enough. I remember hearing someone share in a meeting one day about how she, too, never felt like she was enough. It took me 3 years of program, an awesome sponsor, a lot of prayer and spiritual growth for me to realize that I am enough. That I am a child of God (a Higher Power) and that I am OK right where I'm at. I don't need to be anything more than what I am at this very moment, but I will always be changing and always be growing because that is part of the human experience. Growth, change, stagnation, more growth, pain, joy, setbacks and tribulations.

Last night, I texted my new boyfriend and asked him if he needed me to bring anything over when I go there tonight after work. He said, "Not that I know of. You are enough."

He has no idea what those words actually meant to me. To hear someone actually say I was enough, that my presence was all they needed. What a concept!

With my XAH, I squeezed everything out of myself to pour into him, to fill that empty hole inside of him, to meet his demands, appease him, twisted myself into a pretzel emotionally to avoid more pain or abuse or resentments or misdirected anger. I manipulated situations so that I could avoid more pain and I'd constantly try to predict what would set him off and then I'd try to fix everything in our lives so that he wouldn't get upset and punish the family with his gas lighting, passive aggressive attitudes and behaviors, the silent treatment(he was an expert at this one). I gave until I had nothing left to give and I, myself, became an empty shell of a woman who hated her life and wanted it all to just be OVER, and I was still left with a husband who wanted more from me. I can take ownership of that today because I chose to stay. I was in denial. I own that. I had choices, I just didn't see them while I was in the middle of it all. Today I have awareness and I can see my part and I can learn from what happened. I am grateful for the lessons I learned and I am so happy that I can bring it all in to a new relationship that is so much healthier than where I was before.

So, I'm here to tell you today: YOU ARE ENOUGH. Don't believe lies that other people tell you or those that you tell yourself. You deserve joy, peace, serenity, and happiness. There will be trials and hurdles in life, but they don't have to define your worth. Hugs! Have a great weekend everyone!!!
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Old 12-18-2015, 11:26 AM
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Awesome post and beautifully expressed. I've been working so much with this exact subject. So much so, that this past weekend I took a jewerly workshop and made a beautiful silver ring and inside I engraved the words "I AM ENOUGH" and I wear it every day as a reminder that no matter what he tried to take away from me, "I am enough". I have value and worth. And so do you. We all do. What a great post and very inspirational. Thank you so much.
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Old 12-18-2015, 11:34 AM
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Wow Liz!! That's awesome... thanks for sharing
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Old 12-18-2015, 01:21 PM
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Liz, what an extraordinary path you've been, and what an awesome summit you've climbed to.

Many many congratulations! I am awed by where your work has brought you, and the health and peace you show to us.

ShootingStar1
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Old 12-18-2015, 07:34 PM
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Beautiful post-- just beautiful! It probably means as much to many people here as your boyfriend's text did to you. Thank you so much for sharing it!

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Old 12-19-2015, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
Liz, what an extraordinary path you've been, and what an awesome summit you've climbed to.

Many many congratulations! I am awed by where your work has brought you, and the health and peace you show to us.

ShootingStar1
Thank you! And thanks to everyone who read my post and needed to hear it themselves today.

I will say one thing, though, about being in a new relationship: even if someone is healthy emotionally and doesn't have addiction issues, they can still drive you crazy sometimes, LOL! My boyfriend is nowhere's near perfect nor am I. We have often thanked each other for 'putting up with one another'. I'm a planner and organizer and I like to know where things are going and I like to have things set up weeks in advance. Him? NOPE. He's a fly by the seat of his pants and an "I'll just figure out my plans as the day unfolds" kind of guy. It drives me CRAZY. His house is a mess, at times, and he lives in his head and is very intellectual. I'm emotional, I'm verbally expressive, etc. He is not. You get the picture. There are times when I wonder how the heck we stay together.

But, here's the thing: I'll take the mismatch that we are any day over where I was living with my alcoholic XAH and all the co-morbid stuff that went along with it! I'll take minor miscommunications and clothes on the floor over dealing with insanity and gas lighting and manipulation any day.

Boyfriend and I have yet to say I love you yet to each other. I'm not sure why I have been OK with it, but I am. He's moved slowly and I'm grateful for it, even though I know I love him. He treats me with love and kindness, expresses gratitude for every little thing I do, communicates daily, laughs at me and with me and expects me to laugh at his quirky crap too. He is agreeable and doesn't get angry often. He is consistent with his attitudes and values and beliefs. He's boring. And, for today, I kinda like boring.....even though I still got a lot of codependent crap shuffling through my brains at times. I am finally adjusting to BORING. And, I think I like it!
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Old 12-19-2015, 12:20 PM
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Liz.....however the relationship looks today---it will morph into something different by 3yrs. from now.
Who knows in what ways and in what direction....?....that has yet to be written ...

I wouldn't try to define it, quantify it, label it.....or try to "lock it own" with the "I love y ou nails"........

You don't completely know him....nor, him you......

The conflicts will come soon enough.....they always do....

dandylion
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Old 12-19-2015, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Liz.....however the relationship looks today---it will morph into something different by 3yrs. from now.
Who knows in what ways and in what direction....?....that has yet to be written ...

I wouldn't try to define it, quantify it, label it.....or try to "lock it own" with the "I love y ou nails"........

You don't completely know him....nor, him you......

The conflicts will come soon enough.....they always do....

dandylion
Amen!!! You got that right! I have yet to ask him for a definition of the relationship or have 'the talk' with him. I like things the way they are, honestly. I'm fully aware that there will be plenty of time for us to work on things and to find out more about each other. My sponsor always says: More will be revealed!!

We have had conflicts but he's always willing to see his part and to work with me. So far, he hasn't had any complaints about me, which I find humorous because I'm just as human as he is.

As for the future: well, he's building a new home that will be less than 2 miles away from my current home. We live 16 miles apart now so I think a lot more will be revealed when we live within a closer proximity to each other. He is currently storing his collectable paintings, wine, and other collectables at my home while his current home is on a lockbox for showings. His house should be done in late March/early April.

And, as a funny aside: his 7 year old called me mommy last weekend while at a family party (his sister's 50th birthday at his home). I told her, "No, sweetie. You have a mom and she's awesome, right. I'm not your mom." She replied, "But you will be!!" Ummm? yeah, not sure what to do with that one. Out of the mouths of babes, right? I still haven't told the bf what she said because I'm sure it didn't come from him as he's pretty tight lipped with his kids when it comes to us.
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