hopeful4

It sounds like you have gotten great input, but I wanted to jump in and welcome you to our board!!! Glad you are here.

be81174

OMG...I totally understand what you are saying! I am in the same sort of position - ready to leave but it's Christmas!

Hummer

B81174, yes I am struggling with the whole Christmas thing and I'm afraid that when he starts tugging at the old heart strings I will cave but I am trying to remain focused. I have strength when I read posts on here and similar websites but when I read his texts my resolve seems to be endangered.
I can't help but wonder if perhaps he has hit his bottom?! And that the future is salvageable. I know more experienced members will recognise that I am being hopeful and possibly naive too - just really really hard to finally close the door isn't it?
My husband has admitted to colleagues that he has a problem - never thought I'd see the day!
I am scared. Scared to give him the final push and also scared to stay as I'm sure I would always be wondering about possible relapse etc
I also have the added complication of him being in touch with another female by text earlier in the year.
Extremely anxious but have decided that I will not allow him home for Christmas - his work/temp home is 400 miles away so there's no chance he will just turn up.
Good luck with your decision.
Keep in touch.

Hummer

Ps my friend who is a member on Facebook has told me that my husband has posted today something along the lines of "after much thought and consideration I have decided that alcohol is no longer going to be a part of my life and. I will not be drinking alcohol ever again. A difficult decision but definitely necessary"
I'm not sure how I feel about this - a few months back I would have been elated but really mixed now. I can see that it is a brave and bold move for him - is this his rock bottom - could he turn things around? I don't know? Other members please leave feedback.

Wisconsin

Talk is cheap, Hummer. If I had a nickel for every time my STBXAH said he was quitting, I'd have a mansion on Lake Michigan. Try not to invest yourself in his words. Actions are what matter. And just deciding to quit isn't working a recovery program.

If your heart is telling you it's time to separate, this random Facebook declaration shouldn't be the thing that hooks you to stay. After all, that may be why he made the declaration in the first place--to keep you engaged.

firebolt

I have to second the ACTIONS, not words sentiment. People can say anything. What we DO tells all we need to know.

honeypig

Seconding what Wisconsin and firebolt said. My A also told me many, MANY times that he was quitting/that he had quit (and this was not just in relation to drinking; he was also a secret cigarette smoker, silly tho that seems).

And you know what? It was NEVER true. EVER. There were simply no actions of any kind to back up the BS words. EVER.

It's all in the actions. Folks here know whereof they speak when they talk about this.

RollTide

My XAH told me that same thing many times. We've been divorced for years and he's still drinking.

ladyscribbler

As of last August, my ex supposedly hadn't had a drink in a year. His wife didn't allow alcohol in the house. But then in November they both said under oath that he had learned to moderate and only drinks "1 or 2 beers" once a month.

There's a post somewhere from long ago about what true recovery looks like- silent, determined and not given to large, attention-getting statements.
The Facebook post is pretty transparent quacking, designed to keep the little hooks of hope stuck in your heart.

AnvilheadII

trust me, rock bottom is never followed up with a FACEBOOK post. that's neither brave nor bold, that's stupid and grandiose.

speaking of rock bottom, i almost wish they'd do away with that term because in so many ways it is a myth. the problem with it is, the addict can ALWAYS decide to keep digging. or drilling, or using dynamite to blow the hold deeper. and the concerned F&F, the spouse, the enabler, etc always think that they can tell WHEN the addict has surely HIT rock bottom - and many even try to bring it about. only to be left confused and dumbfounded.

it will be what it will be. and it will have nothing to do with what YOU do at all. if he is truly going to sober up, it will be all upon HIM....whether it's Christmas or Flag Day, and where he gets his mail has no bearing.....and.......he may actually be better able to DO so ON HIS OWN. being allowed 'back in" gives the signal that all is well, again, the storm has passed again, and he may see this as the SIGN that it was never really THAT bad and maybe drinking really isn't a problem and he can handle it now.

don't rock the boat. let things BE. he's out of the house now, KEEP it that way.

honeypig

I think this may be the quote ladyscribbler was thinking of. It was sent to me when I was hearing a ton of quacking about recovery from my A and I wasn't sure what to do/think/feel about it. It is beautiful, powerful, and I think most of all, it's true. Here it is:

Ya wanna know the SECRET to whether someone is serious about recovery or not? When they stop TALKING and start DOING. When they abandon the alcoholic oath:
I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen AGAIN
Talk is just squawk....noise to diffuse and disturb....

We live on a lake and have ospreys and eagles that come 'round. When they are on the hunt, there is NO doubt about their intentions...they hover above, they swoop and swirl and then DIVE after their prey. It is magnificent and silent. They have a purpose and have no NEED to announce their plan. They are unconcerned with the world around them....for the eagle there are always the attendant "murder" of crows, dive bombing, harassing, relentless...they are honed in on their goal.

Recovery is the osprey, tucking its wing in close to its body, a missile now, a projectile diving in a straight line towards the water, seeing beneath the surface to the fish.

I love this more every time I read it. Thanks for making me think of it, ladyscribbler.

ladyscribbler

^^^ That's the one.

AnvilheadII

LexieCat

My OWN "rock bottom" in terms of drinking was nothing dramatic. It was when I was no longer able to bear it--fortunately I have a relatively low pain threshold. I told a few people who supported my quitting drinking, but I held off on telling some who were close to me, like my first husband (who had then been sober for 28 years) because I wanted to be sure I was likely to STAY sober before I made any announcements. I told him after I hit 90 days and was feeling like I could really DO it.

The FB post means nothing, in short.

Hummer

I appreciate all of you for taking time to comment, your advice is really helping. Don't think I have far to go now!

AAPJ

It may suck now but if you do leave now my guess is that in a few years you will consider leaving the best Christmas present you ever gave yourself.

redatlanta

Rock bottom really is more about the moment of clarity in realizing the A is powerless over alcohol and their life has become unmanageable. The FB post to me seems like a white knuckle approach -like if he tells everyone then that will reinforce him not to drink. He will have accountability. Others will be accountable and responsible for making sure he doesn't drink.

So I don't really believe he is there yet. It takes a lot to undo the obsession in the mind, believe it or not putting the alcohol down is the easiest part.

Thing is you don't have to decide whether to end your marriage now, or anytime soon. You can stand back and watch what he does then make your decision at a later time. If he starts drinking again you'll know. If he doesn't get in a recovery program of some sort he most likely will. Of course in the meantime the cheating need to be addressed as well. If it were me I wouldn't put much effort, if any at all, into mending the marriage until I had solid proof of recovery. There is no point is wasting one kilowatt of energy into repairing this if he doesn't' get sober.

be81174

I totally understand what you're saying!! I recently read an article about how people get brainwashed into groups such as ISIS...stick with me here...

Anyways - the article went on to explain the the "default" behaviour of the human brain is to believe. Acquiring knowledge and processing alternate theories etc... takes more brain power than just believing what is in front of us.

We want to stay and believe because it's easier. You and I have different yet similar situations and I read your story and think "leave" yet here I am in mine, wanting to believe. They cry and cry and beg and cry. Promises. And we believe them all and think this could be "the big change"!! And then we also think that regardless of his "big change" (or not) we don't really want to gamble on it. Another 6 months to see if MAYBE there is something there??

It's kind of like laying the part of Mulder AND Scully in a really bad episode of X-Files!

Liveitwell

You want to know when I have my ex his "last chance"? Two weeks after we got married-I got a tearful heartfelt apology from him on his knees crying and begging me not to leave him-telling me that there was sonething wrong with him. That was over 9 years ago and the divirce was just final in march of this year. I so wabted to believe him-and I did-and my God things just got worse and worse and more abusive and disgusting and twisted. Looking back, I wish I had stuck to my "last chance"....but I would t be the person I am today - strong, resilient, no longer afraid, with two beautiful girls who mean the world to me. There's always a last chance.....and after I finally walked away for good, my then husbands promises if being a godly husband and fatger turned into more abuse, terror and plain evil. Actions-not words.

Hummer

I'm doing some work on myself and reading some recommend books for the codependent and also focusing my energies on newborn grandson who was unwell but not anymore
I have arranged for a friend to drop off the Christmas presents to my husband's daughters who live locally and I am taking his gifts to the post office today. Think after the 25th has passed the guilt may begin to ease.
Husband getting lots of support on FB, has signed up to soberistas and suchlike and is seeing a counsellor (he had been seeing one off and but regularly now) says he knows it's a mental obsession he's dealing with.
I do think this all counts as actions? Not only words?
My main only thing that is niggling me today Is that 'if' he should make a miracle recovery (some do!) how would I know? Given that we live 400 miles apart it's going to be nigh on impossible for me to know - the only proof I was ever able to gather was during time spent together or snooping....
Please post if you have any thoughts/opinions on this, thank you.