Final chance...??!

Old 12-13-2015, 08:10 AM
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Final chance...??!

Hello everybody, I am going to attempt my first post and will try keep to the point as I am in dire need of opinions from all you guys on here who have more first hand experience of what I'm going through than any of my well meaning friends do.
I am 42 and husband 48. We have been married 3 and a half years (together 6) and I discovered his drink problem 2 and a half years ago.
He is a lovely man and even drunk he doesn't get abusive - the suffering I am going through is the emotional sort and I have never had so much drama nor anxiety in my life ever. Our relationship is beginning to lack in intimacy. I keep information from him at times as it can be turned back at me when he has had a drink and becomes negative believing he is hard done by in situations etc he works extremely hard and has a very good job and his working life has so far gone unaffected by his alcohol addiction.
In the beginning we tried to get him to stop drinking at harmful levels - we agreed that he would never drink on weekdays, never alone ( as 90% of his drinking is done alone) and only ever while we were out with friends at social occasions.
I opened a bank statement of his six months later as I had suspicions that nothing had changed and his drinking habits were same as before and I discovered that was true. He was very annoyed that I had done this and now doesn't trust me!
October last year he asked me to look on his iPad and when I did I saw a dating agency website with all of him details filled in - I was horrified. Things hadn't been going well but I still didn't expect that. We managed somehow to get passed it and I put it behind us.
I should mention that we live separately due to work and live 400miles apart - we spend every other week together and also extra weekends here and there and also holidays. The reason I mention this is because this arrangement provides him with ideal circumstances to drink secretly which will always be a source of suspicion and worry for me.
In April of this year (6months after the dating website) I discovered texts on his phone from a female - cosy, supportive texts with lots of kisses. He had deleted his part of the conversation so I have no idea what he was saying to her. At the time this happened it was our 3rd wedding anniversary and his eldest daughter was unwell in hospital. He begged for another chance and somehow again we moved on.
I have found evidence of drinking when I go to our home near his work and I know he hasn't stopped as he would lose the weight around his middle if he did. He is a wine drinker and could easily polish off 3 bottles in an eve - maybe more.
In May this year I had reached a place where I wanted no more of this life of stress and worry and worry of what kind of future we would have.
I told him that I was walking away if alcohol was to remain a part of his life. He agreed he would stop as he knew I was serious but there is definitely resentment for this - and because I insisted upon this and not that he wanted to stop I knew there was high likelihood that it wouldn't last...and it didn't.
When I discovered that the drinking continues to be a big part of his life and that I have to be true to my word and leave as I said I would but we had several commitments to see through with visitors travelling long distance to visit us so I kept a lid on things.
We also had a holiday booked for both of our birthdays - we got back last week and I thought I could keep a lid on things until Christmas had passed for the sake of everyone including our children - we don't have any children together, I have one adult daughter who is due to give birth any minute and he has 3 young adult daughters from a previous marriage. During our holiday he caught food poisoning - I had to go to the restaurant alone several evenings. I would be gone 30-40 mins max and when I returned to our room he would be drunk , eyes rolling , lying on couch trying to watch tv. He was asleep and snoring by 7.30pm each evening! Again, not the future I want. Like I'm his minder and responsible for him. I have spent many years alone with my daughter before she left home- I am not afraid to do it just deeply saddened and worried about his future. He is begging for a final chance to go into recovery and prove himself.
I really, honestly can not say whether I want this anymore? I feel I am too tired for any more. On the other hand would it be wrong of me not to give him this final chance and maybe we would have a good marriage once again. I feel it's a huge risk to go back but it feels awful to not have a concrete answer form him as he is not coping well in this period of limbo - I also feel bad that Christmas is just two weeks away - what on earth should I do?? I know I have to figure it out but I would really appreciate any comments/options and experience you all may have?
Thank you
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Old 12-13-2015, 08:58 AM
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Not one bit wrong. There will always be "one more chance" he wants. There also will always be another event or circumstance that makes it "not a good time" for you to leave.

I'd suggest you consult a lawyer at your earliest opportunity and factor into your decisions the information you get from the lawyer.

You are both stalling, and ten years from now you could be looking at the same situation, only much worse. I wouldn't make any decisions based on what he tells you. He will tell you whatever he thinks you need to hear to get you to stay.

If you leave and he decides on his OWN to stop flushing his life down the drain, you can revisit the relationship. AFTER he's solidly sober. For right now, I'd suggest doing what is in YOUR best interest.
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Old 12-13-2015, 09:19 AM
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For me infidelity is a deal breaker. Infidelity has nothing to do with him drinking. So there are more issues here than just alcoholism (which is enough in itself). Additionally, when infidelity and alcoholism invade a marriage the only way to rebuild is through transparency. Impossible to do when you are seeing each other 4 days or so a month.

"He is begging for a final chance to go into recovery and prove himself" . translation: "I will go into recovery in order to keep you from divorcing me". This is not going to work. If he was serious about recovery he would be there RIGHT NOW. He isn't serious, he is just manipulating you.

How would I handle? Tell him I need some space and want to enjoy the holidays. Lets talk about it after the new year. New year comes, new life, new me and good bye.

Again, there would be no second chance after the dating sites and texts etc. others may feel differently. BTW how weird that he deleted his part of the conversation, but not hers.....almost seems he wants you to see it. My guess is you only know a little about what he is really up to.

Sorry you are going through all this and welcome. Hope we can help you out.
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Old 12-13-2015, 09:37 AM
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Hi, Hummer--glad you found your way over here! This pretty much says it all, and not just in reference to the infidelity:

My guess is you only know a little about what he is really up to.
My XAH stood in my kitchen yesterday and informed me that during our marriage, I only "knew what he allowed me to know" and that he had indeed "purposely lied to and manipulated me" throughout. I think that may be the only true thing he's told me in many, many years. And I'm certain I will never know 1/10th of all he's done behind my back.

He seems to think that makes him much smarter than me. I think that makes him a lying, stealing scumbucket. I'm pretty sure I'm right, not him...

I would imagine that your situation has a lot of levels and sublevels too, but it doesn't matter there any more than it matters in my case now. You have plenty of reason to start looking to your own welfare, and I hope you do so, however that may play out for you.
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Old 12-13-2015, 09:51 AM
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Haven't you given him enough chances?



Originally Posted by Hummer View Post
Hello everybody, I am going to attempt my first post and will try keep to the point as I am in dire need of opinions from all you guys on here who have more first hand experience of what I'm going through than any of my well meaning friends do.
I am 42 and husband 48. We have been married 3 and a half years (together 6) and I discovered his drink problem 2 and a half years ago.
He is a lovely man and even drunk he doesn't get abusive - the suffering I am going through is the emotional sort and I have never had so much drama nor anxiety in my life ever. Our relationship is beginning to lack in intimacy. I keep information from him at times as it can be turned back at me when he has had a drink and becomes negative believing he is hard done by in situations etc he works extremely hard and has a very good job and his working life has so far gone unaffected by his alcohol addiction.
In the beginning we tried to get him to stop drinking at harmful levels - we agreed that he would never drink on weekdays, never alone ( as 90% of his drinking is done alone) and only ever while we were out with friends at social occasions.
I opened a bank statement of his six months later as I had suspicions that nothing had changed and his drinking habits were same as before and I discovered that was true. He was very annoyed that I had done this and now doesn't trust me!
October last year he asked me to look on his iPad and when I did I saw a dating agency website with all of him details filled in - I was horrified. Things hadn't been going well but I still didn't expect that. We managed somehow to get passed it and I put it behind us.
I should mention that we live separately due to work and live 400miles apart - we spend every other week together and also extra weekends here and there and also holidays. The reason I mention this is because this arrangement provides him with ideal circumstances to drink secretly which will always be a source of suspicion and worry for me.
In April of this year (6months after the dating website) I discovered texts on his phone from a female - cosy, supportive texts with lots of kisses. He had deleted his part of the conversation so I have no idea what he was saying to her. At the time this happened it was our 3rd wedding anniversary and his eldest daughter was unwell in hospital. He begged for another chance and somehow again we moved on.
I have found evidence of drinking when I go to our home near his work and I know he hasn't stopped as he would lose the weight around his middle if he did. He is a wine drinker and could easily polish off 3 bottles in an eve - maybe more.
In May this year I had reached a place where I wanted no more of this life of stress and worry and worry of what kind of future we would have.
I told him that I was walking away if alcohol was to remain a part of his life. He agreed he would stop as he knew I was serious but there is definitely resentment for this - and because I insisted upon this and not that he wanted to stop I knew there was high likelihood that it wouldn't last...and it didn't.
When I discovered that the drinking continues to be a big part of his life and that I have to be true to my word and leave as I said I would but we had several commitments to see through with visitors travelling long distance to visit us so I kept a lid on things.
We also had a holiday booked for both of our birthdays - we got back last week and I thought I could keep a lid on things until Christmas had passed for the sake of everyone including our children - we don't have any children together, I have one adult daughter who is due to give birth any minute and he has 3 young adult daughters from a previous marriage. During our holiday he caught food poisoning - I had to go to the restaurant alone several evenings. I would be gone 30-40 mins max and when I returned to our room he would be drunk , eyes rolling , lying on couch trying to watch tv. He was asleep and snoring by 7.30pm each evening! Again, not the future I want. Like I'm his minder and responsible for him. I have spent many years alone with my daughter before she left home- I am not afraid to do it just deeply saddened and worried about his future. He is begging for a final chance to go into recovery and prove himself.
I really, honestly can not say whether I want this anymore? I feel I am too tired for any more. On the other hand would it be wrong of me not to give him this final chance and maybe we would have a good marriage once again. I feel it's a huge risk to go back but it feels awful to not have a concrete answer form him as he is not coping well in this period of limbo - I also feel bad that Christmas is just two weeks away - what on earth should I do?? I know I have to figure it out but I would really appreciate any comments/options and experience you all may have?
Thank you
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Old 12-13-2015, 10:00 AM
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Hi Hummer, glad you found the F&F section! you'll be a forum pro in no time!
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Old 12-13-2015, 10:05 AM
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Hello and welcome to the forum Hummer.

Originally Posted by Hummer View Post
I keep information from him at times as it can be turned back at me when he has had a drink and becomes negative believing he is hard done by in situations etc
This caught my eye, I was wondering if you would be willing to elaborate. If you don't want to, that is okay, it's just that this is a very vague statement about what you keep from him. When you say you keep information from him that could set him off, that could range from something as innocent as spending a few extra dollars on a present for yourself to something as serious as having an extramarital affair. The advice that you receive really could change a lot depending on the circumstances. That being said, it is quite common for drunk people to have heightened emotions and reactions to events and memories from the past, and sooner or later even 'happy drunks' change into 'unhappy drunks' somewhere down the line.

In the beginning we tried to get him to stop drinking at harmful levels - we agreed that he would never drink on weekdays, never alone ( as 90% of his drinking is done alone) and only ever while we were out with friends at social occasions.
I opened a bank statement of his six months later as I had suspicions that nothing had changed and his drinking habits were same as before and I discovered that was true. He was very annoyed that I had done this and now doesn't trust me!
This is a classic mistake that a lot of well-meaning people make, myself included with my ex wife who is an alcoholic. The problem with this kind of thinking is that you are applying a rational solution to an irrational disease. You want him to only drink on weekends and on social occasions because you are not an alcoholic and you have the ability to approach drinking with rationality and moderation. He simply can't do that, long term alcohol consumption seriously degrades an individual's sense of self control. You are trying to make rules for him to follow around something that he can not control - being an addict. And by doing so, you are trying to control or moderate his behavior - which causes him to be resentful. Nobody likes the feeling that someone else is trying to control them to do something they don't want to do, it isn't a nice feeling. This is why ultimatums and joint rules around drinking and behavior often backfire, because they start a cycle of resentment and negativity from the person being controlled which then spreads through other aspects of the relationship.

October last year he asked me to look on his iPad and when I did I saw a dating agency website with all of him details filled in - I was horrified. Things hadn't been going well but I still didn't expect that. We managed somehow to get passed it and I put it behind us.
I should mention that we live separately due to work and live 400miles apart - we spend every other week together and also extra weekends here and there and also holidays. The reason I mention this is because this arrangement provides him with ideal circumstances to drink secretly which will always be a source of suspicion and worry for me.
In April of this year (6months after the dating website) I discovered texts on his phone from a female - cosy, supportive texts with lots of kisses. He had deleted his part of the conversation so I have no idea what he was saying to her. At the time this happened it was our 3rd wedding anniversary and his eldest daughter was unwell in hospital. He begged for another chance and somehow again we moved on.
I have found evidence of drinking when I go to our home near his work and I know he hasn't stopped as he would lose the weight around his middle if he did. He is a wine drinker and could easily polish off 3 bottles in an eve - maybe more.

I feel it's a huge risk to go back but it feels awful to not have a concrete answer form him as he is not coping well in this period of limbo - I also feel bad that Christmas is just two weeks away - what on earth should I do?? I know I have to figure it out but I would really appreciate any comments/options and experience you all may have?
Thank you
I think these things speak rather loudly that he isn't ready to change and doesn't want to change. The only person you have control over is yourself - we can't make other people change, the only person who has the ability to change his life is him, and it will only happen if his own desire for change becomes stronger than the lifelong pull of his addiction. This is why you may often hear about letting addicts hit their "rock bottom," because that is the only point at which an addict truly becomes aware of how much their addiction has negatively impacted their life.

You are married but not living together and this isn't exactly a normal living situation. The number one environmental indicator for happy, long term relationships is closeness, proximity. Is your line of work unavailable in his city? Is his line of work unavailable in your city? Or is this arrangement his decision?

I agree with Lexie in that you recognize what you need to do for yourself but you are stalling. Giving multiple "final" chances is not healthy for either of you: it reinforces his ability to continue living the way he does, and it degrades your own sense of self worth and self respect. Ask yourself what is more important: your mental health and self respect, or putting on a farce for friends and holidays. If you want to give him this last final chance that is entirely within your right to do so, but I would advise that you ask yourself "has he actually done anything to show that he is genuine in wanting to get on top of his addiction and truly change his life?" Is he going into AA meetings and rehab and asking you to see him through, or is he asking you to stick around with the hope that he might get serious about it in the future? If he isn't in rehab and AA right now, what is stopping him from going?

Just a last note on his infidelity tendencies - you've caught him twice already. That's just what you found out, there is the possibility that there's been more that he's been able to hide. There's an old saying: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... well, I'm sure you know the rest. The most important thing to do through this is remember to take care of yourself, mentally and physically. Don't let your desire to fix him surpass your ability to love and respect yourself.
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Old 12-13-2015, 10:10 AM
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I would also highly recommend that you go to your local library and take out a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, as I believe it would be very helpful to you. You may also benefit from reading the stickied threads at the top of this forum.
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Old 12-13-2015, 10:46 AM
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Welcome!! Keep reading....we have all been where you are-we all have chance after chance until we decided to reclaim what was ours-peace. There are some of the greatest people on this forum-we are here for you. Please keep posting and home back often. Peace to you today
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Old 12-13-2015, 11:08 AM
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Haha, I doubt that but I am finding the advice here very useful.
I think my gut instinct is telling me to leave - but why does it have to be Christmas time?!
Many thanks
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Old 12-13-2015, 11:18 AM
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it will always be "SOME" time.....

it's best to already have a plan in place and a date in mind, helps to firm up our resolve. you don't have to make THE decision TODAY.
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Old 12-13-2015, 11:21 AM
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Because if it weren't Christmas it would be the middle of winter--tough to put someone out in the middle of winter. Then it would be springtime, and it's such a darned HOPEFUL time of year--tough to put him out then. Then it's glorious summer and so many things are going on--vacations and stuff. Then before you know it, it's fall, with more holidays on the horizon.

Seriously, there is no time like the present.

I'm a big believer in "Moments of Clarity"--I had one when I quit drinking, and I've heard many other alcoholics and addicts talk about it. And I've also heard a lot of partners of alcoholics/addicts talk about it--that moment when the fog lifts and you can clearly see what needs to be done.

Here's the thing about this Moments of Clarity. In my experience/observation, they have a limited shelf-life. The window opens, the fog clears, but if you don't MOVE and ACT on it, the window closes, the fog moves back in, and it may be a long time before it opens again.
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Old 12-13-2015, 11:27 AM
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Thomas45,
Thank you for your detailed reply which gave me a lot to consider. I do believe I am displaying co-dependant tendencies - need to undo that as part of my own therapy. I am on the waiting list to speak with a counsellor.

With regards your question about 'information I keep from him' - it really is trivial stuff such as spending a little extra here and there and not telling him if I've treated family members as he would cast it up in a later (drunken) conversation - he sometimes feels as though he is a 'financial institution' (his term). I earn too and I definitely live within my means so think it's just alcohol impacting negatively on his thoughts.
His first wife was rather skilled at spending his hard earned cash and this may have caused some bitterness. He is actually a very generous guy ordinarily.

You are right about us living apart not being conducive to a happy relationship. We met where I live and where I currently hold down a job. I have family ties in the area so not keen to leave and less so now that I need my support network around. He couldn't find any employment in the area for his line of work so this was the only option for us to travel - many other couples can survive long distance but I guess not with the added complications of addiction and infidelity.

I have discovered something new today. I thought the alcohol was my biggest concern and the infidelity was a by-product but, I'm actually finding now that I feel just as strongly about this issue - have just buried it. I find it totally unacceptable and have never behaved that way but I forgave him because he was drunk - how ridiculous !

Thanks again, I'm so grateful (and surprised!) that there are people out there willing to take time to counsel newbies like myself, I really do appreciate all the feedback.
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Old 12-13-2015, 11:29 AM
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Forourgirls - peace is what I'm striving for - thanks for your input
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Old 12-13-2015, 12:07 PM
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Peace is ours for the taking-we just have to take it!!! And fight for it!!
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Old 12-13-2015, 12:15 PM
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I've found there is never a good time,there will always be a reason. Birthdays,Anniversaries,Holidays etc,etc,etc.


Originally Posted by Hummer View Post
Haha, I doubt that but I am finding the advice here very useful.
I think my gut instinct is telling me to leave - but why does it have to be Christmas time?!
Many thanks
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Old 12-13-2015, 03:09 PM
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How many chances will be enough for you?? or him??

It is only your decision not to tolerate such disrespect from your husband. Would you recommend a man like this to your sister/best friend?? Then why would you tolerate it for you.

You are worth so much more!! Hugs my friend. Make a plan and execute it.
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Old 12-14-2015, 04:17 AM
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I have discovered something new today. I thought the alcohol was my biggest concern and the infidelity was a by-product but, I'm actually finding now that I feel just as strongly about this issue - have just buried it. I find it totally unacceptable and have never behaved that way but I forgave him because he was drunk - how ridiculous !

You aren't alone in this mind set. A's will say they didn't know what they were doing, or they did it because they were drunk. Spouse's and SO's buy into that as well. NOPE. Its two completely separate issues one having nothing to do with the other.
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Old 12-14-2015, 09:46 AM
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Thank you to yoga, maia1234 and redatlanta for the fresh posts.

I continue to struggle with the guilt (useless pastime I know). Spent part of the day chatting with and receiving support from my sister and father - did me good to shed some light on an issue I have kept under wraps for others sakes - namely husband - he text me today and he has told a colleague that he is currently travelling with for work that he is an alcoholic - massive step forward for him I guess.
I know he will be trying to convince me to allow him home for Christmas and I really am battling with 1) clean break and take care of self v. 2) allow him to spend Christmas with me and spend time with his children who live with their mother close to where I live.

When the decision is final in my mind I will be able to forge ahead - why
Am I finding it so hard to achieve clarity - filled with sadness.

Very grateful for all your opinions.
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Old 12-14-2015, 09:47 AM
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Ps have purchased copy of codependent no more - will begin reading this evening!
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