qtpi

DD talking with me again and in a loving way now- but wants me to talk to STBXAH. I explained to her he has not shown responsibility, remorse, or repair, and I will not be responding to the self-centered email he sent me asking me to come back. I guess STBXAH is still using her to try to get me back. Ugh. Well- at this point - what did I expect? I don't want to waffle. I hate to disappoint DD. I know that sounds so codependent. I wonder- she is an adult now- if I say something like that to her- is it over the line? Or is it displaying to her that I am not to be disrespected any more and I am worth more than what I got all those years? I think the latter. I think - especially if he is asking her to ask me to talk with him, I should tell her my reasons why I won't. I know I don't have to justify anything to her. But I want her to understand that the person I am today will not put up with garbage- and hopefully she will never put up with garbage either- if I act in a strong, intelligent way now. If he is pulling this crap with DD, I can see why DS has cut me off. This is crazy and wrong.

Praying

What about telling her something like this...

He's your father, and you love him, and I'm glad for that. I want the best for him. I also want the best for me. I raised you in this environment, I know it may seem normal to you. But if it were you--if I saw you entering a relationship like mine, I'd beg you to walk away and honor yourself. I'm afraid that by staying all these years I didn't show you how to truly love and value yourself. I didn't love and value myself like I should have. But I'm going to. You may not understand now, but I hope someday you see my new boundaries as normal, and I hope and pray more than anything that you demand more than I did in the way a man treats you. I deserve it. You deserve it.

And then tell her it's not up for discussion anymore because you've made your decision. You love her and you love him (if so), but you also love yourself.

Just a thought in case it helps, because I don't want you to ever doubt yourself. I think what you're doing is so incredible. And so very hard with the added pressure from her...and I think you should be so proud!

The very best thing you can do for your daughter is continue to make choices that honor yourself and live a full life. Even if it's tough for a while, she'll see your example and how happy you become...and she'll come around one day. I truly believe that.

maia1234

Q,
For the first time In your life you are putting you first. You are entitled to that. People work you and make you feel guilty to do the things they want/need you to do. That hasn't made you happy for many years, you are entitled to take control of your life.

Of course it will hurt you and other people you love. Change is hard on anyone. Over time they will see a healthy strong mom and be proud of what you have accomplished. We support you here and we understand 100%. Do what's best for you and keep moving forward my friend.

HoldOnLoosely

This. Well written, Praying. It shows strength, dignity and grace...and respect for everyone involved.

ConfusedDaily

I don't have kids. But, my dad was/is an A. I wished for YEARS that my mom would leave my dad... And she never did. There are 3 of us, I'm the oldest then my sister and last my brother. When he used to be in his rages, she would lock herself in her room and my brother (8 years younger) wouldn't know what was going on.

I made stories for a long time, "Oh, mom and dad are just playing hide and seek". "Oh, look they are playing a yelling game". "Now, they are playing who can stay quite the longest game"... As he got older, he started piecing things together.

We all wish that our mom would have just told us- "Hey, your dad is an alcoholic. He disrespects me, he disrespects you guys. I choose to stay because ________________________________________."

When children get older, I feel like, parents then realize that even if the kid is 5 it has a HUGE impact on the child.

I think that you should be honest with your DD and let her know that this is going on... I wish my mom would have.

qtpi

Hello- Praying. I sent DD an email and part of it was what you wrote word for word, because you captured very well what I was feeling and hoping to express. DD thanked me- I think it may have been because I acknowledged the past and the environment- and I think it touched her. So thank you. and thank you maia, hold on . and confused, I appreciate your viewpoint as a child in that environment.

Praying

I'm so glad you two seem to have connected...remember that you are doing some pretty great stuff.