honeypig

No, it does NOT make you a hypocrite. You have "a few drinks" on a "rare occasion" when out w/friends. Do you lie about how many drinks you had, or deny having them at all? Does your behavior change for the worse? Do you not know what you did that night? Do you miss work or other responsibilities b/c of your drinking? Do you have financial trouble b/c of your drinking? In short, is your drinking causing problems in your life?

If the answer to those questions is no, what reason would you have for not drinking? Hoping that if you don't drink, it will somehow keep him from drinking? His sobriety or lack thereof depends on HIS actions, not on yours.

I find I do much better when I avoid eating wheat and corn products, but I'd never expect my family to ban those items from holiday get-together menus just b/c I choose not to eat them. Comparing a food intolerance to alcoholism isn't accurate, but you get the idea.

The results of drinking are just not the same for A's and non-A's. IMHO, if you like a glass of wine or a margarita w/friends once in a while, by all means, enjoy yourself. No hypocrisy there that I see.

LexieCat

I'm with hp on that one--no hypocrisy. Alcohol itself isn't "evil"--it's just poison for the alcoholic. We aren't on a temperance crusade here to bust up every bar in the country.

The only time I think it's best for a partner to not drink is when in the company of the alcoholic. If the alcoholic is still actively drinking, it can be a form of enabling, and if the alcoholic is in early recovery, it's often easier for them if people aren't drinking right in their face (after the alcoholic is solidly sober, it might not bother him or her any more, but it's best to ask--that's just being supportive and considerate).

Hummer

Very helpful comments guys - I can see this quite differently now - many thanks

Hummer

Hi everyone,
I'm unsure as to whether my husband is sneakily drinking or not -
We spend every other week apart for work so it's very hard to know for sure.
Since I discovered his alcohol addiction over three years ago he has never consumed alcohol in front of me and we don't keep it in the house. If I've had a drink at social gatherings he drives and is capable of being very sociable and enjoys himself although he no longer dances - fair enough!
But, because I suspect or even know that he drinks secretly (sometimes I get a strange smell like medicine or mouthwash) when we are together - I think maybe he has a small amount to keep him going and suspect that when he's away out of the country on business he can do as he pleases and as well as every other week that we aren't together. October and November will be a bit different as we will be spending several weeks together - see how that goes!
I'm just wondering about detachment - because I'm doing things for myself such as talking to a counsellor , hobbies etc just getting on with life but with the thought always at the back of my mind that we may have to split up because I've told him I can't do active addiction and I'm sure I've given him plenty or warnings about this. Meanwhile our relationship continues to be very good in many respects, he hasn't ever been violent nor aggressive but I somehow don't give myself 100% to the relationship and may have shut down a bit sexually as I feel it's difficult to be physical and totally absorbed in a relationship that I may have to leave - does anyone else have any ideas/suggestions about how to deal with this side of things?
Many thanks for reading and hopefully responding

LexieCat

My second husband did the same thing just before, and shortly after, we got married. I pushed my suspicions out of my mind, but once his drinking really took off again I was able to see how I was consciously ignoring the signs he was already drinking again.

So your suspicions are probably on the money. All I can tell you is it's a crappy way to live, waiting for that other shoe to drop. You're already married--if you weren't, I'd tell you to hold off.

All I can say is that it's any person's privilege to leave a marriage that is a source of anxiety and unhappiness. You don't have to have ironclad proof that he's drinking. HE may insist on it, but you aren't obligated to provide that.

I'd suggest you not make any drastic changes in your life in the belief that he's sober and will stay that way.

letitend

gosh, it really seems you are on the verge of coming to terms with your husband's drinking. I read thru all your posts on this topic, and it is the same thing over and over ... I don't mean to sound crass, but YOU know what you know, but you seem to be holding onto HOPE. You seem to know what the reality is, but you can't let go of the dream ??

I think you need to ask yourself what it is you want.

I have personally been on a merry-go-round with my xabf for closing in on 10 years. I have been living on a dream of who I would want him to be. I have finally accepted him for him. And I realize I am who I am. I don't want what we have/had.

Sorry to be blunt and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you need to be rational here. You need to take what you know and make a decision based on that.