CPS called and wants to meet.
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I gotta say this whole thread got my butt in gear and yes, I called family services and reported my wife for continually putting the kids in the car and driving around with them drinking. I am the SAH parent and financially dependent and will have to start from scratch. Yes there was a domestic 911 call last nite for her hitting, spitting and just raging on me cuz I stood between her and my 5 yr old cuz she wanted to take her somewhere after being gone all day w/the kids and drinking. The older 2 said "she didn't drink that much and ain't drunk". They're my step-D's and they were only going 2 blocks to their grandmother's so I could not control that. What I can control is my not trying to get, help or wait for her to be sober. Our lives start now. Ain't pretty but it has to be done. I could care less about divorce--I won't leave my D in her care while I'm gone. Also any doc will tell you antabuse is the least effective and very dangerous (kills liver) especially if one drinks on it. It does nothing for the desire. Naltrexone, campral and baclofen are proven craving abaters but the person has to want to stop. My wife just quit taking Naltrexone because it was working --she would rather drink. Made my choice crystal clear.
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There's no miracle cure. Antabuse will only be as effective as the desire of the addict to allow it to help them quit drinking.
You cannot control or cure him. You will drive yourself crazy in the process of trying.
You cannot control or cure him. You will drive yourself crazy in the process of trying.
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Re: last post of mine. That might have been a little too heavy for you right now. I wouldn't have understood that while I was in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). You will hear many things here that you may not want to hear, or you don't like, and I really do want you to "take what you can , and leave the rest". Everyone has their own pace. My pace was about how fast a snail moves. (lol) I was married 27 1/2 years.
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Ok, think we got that settled. You can't drug your H, and you can't kill him. (lol)
I have a funny story for you. When I was in the hospital because my ex said I tried to commit suicide, (I was asleep) I saw a psych. He asked me if I had any suicidal or homicidal thoughts. Told psych no to suicidal, but that when my ex would rage at me that I was able to not respond to that, because I was picturing myself in my head stabbing him in the back repeatedly. He asked me if I would ever do that, I told him, I pictured the knife because I am afraid of knives, that I would never pick one up for that reason. He then told me that I was normal except that he wanted to continue to see me for ptsd that developed during my marriage.
Can't drug the hubby!!!
I have a funny story for you. When I was in the hospital because my ex said I tried to commit suicide, (I was asleep) I saw a psych. He asked me if I had any suicidal or homicidal thoughts. Told psych no to suicidal, but that when my ex would rage at me that I was able to not respond to that, because I was picturing myself in my head stabbing him in the back repeatedly. He asked me if I would ever do that, I told him, I pictured the knife because I am afraid of knives, that I would never pick one up for that reason. He then told me that I was normal except that he wanted to continue to see me for ptsd that developed during my marriage.
Can't drug the hubby!!!
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angrywife......no, it is not a new drug. It has been around for a few decades.
It is given to those who are sober and in good enough health to take it. It is usually given in the early days, after detox. when the patient is very vulnerable to impulses to drink.....and......AND, is attending regular AA meetings and wants an extra tool to keep from impulsively reaching for that "first" drink.....
It is entirely voluntary by the alcoholics request or agreement.
Most only take it for a few weeks.......
dandylion
It is given to those who are sober and in good enough health to take it. It is usually given in the early days, after detox. when the patient is very vulnerable to impulses to drink.....and......AND, is attending regular AA meetings and wants an extra tool to keep from impulsively reaching for that "first" drink.....
It is entirely voluntary by the alcoholics request or agreement.
Most only take it for a few weeks.......
dandylion
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The church basically states that alcoholism is immoral behavior. They say the only answer is a spiritual one. I tend to believe it. My husband acts like a piece of garbage under the influence. To say that alcoholism is a disease is insulting to those that really suffer. My views are much different than most folks here and i hope thats okay.
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Originally Posted by angrywife232310 
The church basically states that alcoholism is immoral behavior. They say the only answer is a spiritual one. I tend to believe it. My husband acts like a piece of garbage under the influence. To say that alcoholism is a disease is insulting to those that really suffer. My views are much different than most folks here and i hope thats okay.
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sparkle, my husband has always drank like a fish. So I suppose I don't know his normal. I think giving alcoholics the disease excuse does not help them in any way. You good folks here talk about enabling, I believe that buying into that argument IS enabling.
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I think reasons and excuses are different things. And I don't personally believe that the disease model excuses people from making bad decisions. A diabetic who chooses to ignore dietary advice from their doctor is similar. They can't help having the disease, but they have options to treat it. So do alcoholics. So I fundamentally disagree that buying into the disease model makes someone an enabler. Doing things to protect another person from the consequences of their addiction does that, whether you believe it's a disease or not.
At any rate there's always lively debates over the disease model in every forum on this board and I don't think that's what you came looking for. So what we can do to help you through this? We have experience, strength, and hope to share in spades, but sometimes it's good to remember that Help doesn't always look or sound the way we want it to.
At any rate there's always lively debates over the disease model in every forum on this board and I don't think that's what you came looking for. So what we can do to help you through this? We have experience, strength, and hope to share in spades, but sometimes it's good to remember that Help doesn't always look or sound the way we want it to.
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Some people do say that alcoholism is a disease. Some even qualify it the same as cancer or diabetes. The truth is, you don't need to drink, but for an alcoholic one drink usually leads to a drunk. So if they didn't have that first drink ( and that part is strictly on them) then they wouldn't be drunk or continue drinking. They may be a dry drunk and white knuckling it, but I think that is besides the point.
I do feel from what you are writing that you are feeling hurt because it seems or appears that your H is being coddled, while you feel that he should be making amends to you. Hell, no way about it, I agree with you.
Though I think you have probably felt that you have been through enough, and you don't want to coddle him anymore. Is this true?
I wouldn't want to.
That's why I think everyone is telling you to look after yourself and your children and thwh. (2 h3ll w him)
It's hard, but I would gently suggest that you learn to not lean or depend on him. After all, you have us now (lol)
amy
I do feel from what you are writing that you are feeling hurt because it seems or appears that your H is being coddled, while you feel that he should be making amends to you. Hell, no way about it, I agree with you.
Though I think you have probably felt that you have been through enough, and you don't want to coddle him anymore. Is this true?
I wouldn't want to.
That's why I think everyone is telling you to look after yourself and your children and thwh. (2 h3ll w him)
It's hard, but I would gently suggest that you learn to not lean or depend on him. After all, you have us now (lol)
amy
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My uncle is dying from prostrate cancer. It is insulting to me to put alcoholism in the same league. We live in a PC world where even a women can get arrested for domestic violence like I did. My kid brings a bottle of booze to school and it's time for an intervention. Take a wild guess where he got that bottle from.
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I think giving alcoholics the disease excuse does not help them in any way. You good folks here talk about enabling, I believe that buying into that argument IS enabling.
We're actually saying the opposite. We - or I, anyway - am saying that EVERYBODY on this earth is responsible and accountable for their choices and their actions no matter what they do or what their "extenuating circumstances" are.
Someone who is an alcoholic is totally accountable for how they behave, even when drunk.
The truth is that when we really understand that the alcoholic in our life has the right to make his or her choices, the right to drink or not drink, then we also understand that we can't make THEM do ANYTHING. Nothing. Nada.
Then we get to the real part: what our choices and obligations are.
If we can't control them or change them (and we can't), then the truth is that the only thing we can control and change are our OWN decisions and actions.
If we are still focused on what we can do to change them, fix them, make them stop drinking, make them act how WE want them to act, then the alcoholic has all the power. Our behavior is re-active to what they do or don't do. We wait for them, and, even on this thread, a lot of ideas have come up like feeding them drugs to make them behave. That is what co-dependence really is: giving up your own rights and sovereignty to someone else and letting their choices control our choices.
The word co-dependence may not be the one you want to use, but the truth of it is that in most of your posts here, you have focused on what your alcoholic husband is doing, not doing, might do.
When you focus on you and your choices, you will take his power over you and your children away. If you don't care what he does, and you choose what you and your kids do based on what is healthy, his dysfunctional control sputters away. He can stand on his head, yell, drink 4 bottles of vodka instead of 2 to punish you, whatever squirrely controlling nasty punishment he can think up, and it still won't matter. When you are in that frame of mind, YOU make YOUR choices and he can just like it or lump it.
As for it being a "disease", I understand that saying that seems to excuse the alcoholics bad behavior because they are "sick". But that's not the truth of it. Unlike someone who gets cancer who cannot just decide not to have cancer anymore, an alcoholic CAN decide to never take another drink and arrest their disease and become sober.
The part of the "disease" model that is accurate is that alcoholic's body chemistry and physiology literally change as their alcoholism progresses just as a cancer victim's disease can progress. Alcoholics still have the power to choose to never drink again.
I'd say, as others here have, let him go on his own merry path into deeper and deeper alcoholism, and make the choice to save you and your kids. Freedom is yours to take, if you stop thinking about him and take control of your own choices.
ShootingStar1
We're actually saying the opposite. We - or I, anyway - am saying that EVERYBODY on this earth is responsible and accountable for their choices and their actions no matter what they do or what their "extenuating circumstances" are.
Someone who is an alcoholic is totally accountable for how they behave, even when drunk.
The truth is that when we really understand that the alcoholic in our life has the right to make his or her choices, the right to drink or not drink, then we also understand that we can't make THEM do ANYTHING. Nothing. Nada.
Then we get to the real part: what our choices and obligations are.
If we can't control them or change them (and we can't), then the truth is that the only thing we can control and change are our OWN decisions and actions.
If we are still focused on what we can do to change them, fix them, make them stop drinking, make them act how WE want them to act, then the alcoholic has all the power. Our behavior is re-active to what they do or don't do. We wait for them, and, even on this thread, a lot of ideas have come up like feeding them drugs to make them behave. That is what co-dependence really is: giving up your own rights and sovereignty to someone else and letting their choices control our choices.
The word co-dependence may not be the one you want to use, but the truth of it is that in most of your posts here, you have focused on what your alcoholic husband is doing, not doing, might do.
When you focus on you and your choices, you will take his power over you and your children away. If you don't care what he does, and you choose what you and your kids do based on what is healthy, his dysfunctional control sputters away. He can stand on his head, yell, drink 4 bottles of vodka instead of 2 to punish you, whatever squirrely controlling nasty punishment he can think up, and it still won't matter. When you are in that frame of mind, YOU make YOUR choices and he can just like it or lump it.
As for it being a "disease", I understand that saying that seems to excuse the alcoholics bad behavior because they are "sick". But that's not the truth of it. Unlike someone who gets cancer who cannot just decide not to have cancer anymore, an alcoholic CAN decide to never take another drink and arrest their disease and become sober.
The part of the "disease" model that is accurate is that alcoholic's body chemistry and physiology literally change as their alcoholism progresses just as a cancer victim's disease can progress. Alcoholics still have the power to choose to never drink again.
I'd say, as others here have, let him go on his own merry path into deeper and deeper alcoholism, and make the choice to save you and your kids. Freedom is yours to take, if you stop thinking about him and take control of your own choices.
ShootingStar1
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I am very sorry to hear about your uncle. I lost a very good friend to metastasized colon cancer a little over six months ago. I understand feeling insulted. Nobody asked to get cancer.
I grew up with an alcoholic mom and a codependent dad. It took me a long time to learn what was normal and what was dysfunctional because of my environment. Living in a house with active addiction affected every other area of my life with a knot I will be untangling until my dying day. This is reality for me. I can be as angry at my parents as the day is long but at some point I simply had to accept where I came from and where it led me and start taking responsibility for what I could control, and for the things I had done that I never wanted to do again.
You got arrested for domestic violence because you hit someone. CPS is involved because your kid took a bottle to school. These are consequences of addiction and a household where addiction has been allowed to rule the roost. I'm sorry you're dealing with it, but you are and blaming your husband isn't going to protect you from your responsibility as a parent or as a person who knows better than to resort to violence when frustrated.
I grew up with an alcoholic mom and a codependent dad. It took me a long time to learn what was normal and what was dysfunctional because of my environment. Living in a house with active addiction affected every other area of my life with a knot I will be untangling until my dying day. This is reality for me. I can be as angry at my parents as the day is long but at some point I simply had to accept where I came from and where it led me and start taking responsibility for what I could control, and for the things I had done that I never wanted to do again.
You got arrested for domestic violence because you hit someone. CPS is involved because your kid took a bottle to school. These are consequences of addiction and a household where addiction has been allowed to rule the roost. I'm sorry you're dealing with it, but you are and blaming your husband isn't going to protect you from your responsibility as a parent or as a person who knows better than to resort to violence when frustrated.
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Yep, I'm pretty sure no one here said alcoholism is a disease and that you should learn to live with it.
So can you release that thought from your brain? I know, many times, that I had to sort of label boxes in my head, and I would try to put things in boxes in my brain, that I refused to open till I was able to deal with it.
You can put that "alcoholism is a disease and you need to coddle an alcoholic" in a box, with a Do Not Open label on it, or your can just throw that thought right out of your mind. I'm really not open to debate on whether it is or isn't because being an RA myself, I would never justify drinking by saying I have a disease.
Just want to know, How are you holding up? I really do care about you.
So can you release that thought from your brain? I know, many times, that I had to sort of label boxes in my head, and I would try to put things in boxes in my brain, that I refused to open till I was able to deal with it.
You can put that "alcoholism is a disease and you need to coddle an alcoholic" in a box, with a Do Not Open label on it, or your can just throw that thought right out of your mind. I'm really not open to debate on whether it is or isn't because being an RA myself, I would never justify drinking by saying I have a disease.
Just want to know, How are you holding up? I really do care about you.
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I gotta agree with SK. I'm alcoholic too if I drink. I don't anymore. Took this side of the boards to enlighten me on being a "double winner" (or quad winner since we're both co-dep and alcoholic). My point is this: It's not her fault that I married her, tried to fix her and have had a pollyanna attitude toward our family's recovery. These kids are getting more messed up daily in the present arrangement and I can, will and must change that. I'm responsible for staying--wrong answer and I will atone with action. I may not be here in a couple days as she is supposedly taking out a restraining order on me but I will fight to the end for what's right for the kids. My life mission if you will.
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so you aren't willing to OWN one shred of responsibility here, are you?
it's ALL his fault. your SON got the booze out of the HOUSE he lives in....the one he has had to live in all his life with an alcoholic parent. and even now you don't see that as a call for help from your SON, but a damn inconvenience to YOU.
you stay, you are filled with rage and resentment, it literally oozes out of you, and sometimes results in violence towards others. you don't think your kids SEE that?
if it is so danged awful and your husband is so subhuman, explain why you choose to stay rather than make changes and get some peace for yourself? you are clinging to your desire to be in the right and blameless as much as your AH clings to his right to drink, unwilling to see any other way............
it's ALL his fault. your SON got the booze out of the HOUSE he lives in....the one he has had to live in all his life with an alcoholic parent. and even now you don't see that as a call for help from your SON, but a damn inconvenience to YOU.
you stay, you are filled with rage and resentment, it literally oozes out of you, and sometimes results in violence towards others. you don't think your kids SEE that?
if it is so danged awful and your husband is so subhuman, explain why you choose to stay rather than make changes and get some peace for yourself? you are clinging to your desire to be in the right and blameless as much as your AH clings to his right to drink, unwilling to see any other way............
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